Terrible Love
by flawlesspeasant
Summary: Jo is finally on her way to graduating college and pursuing her much desired dream of attending medical school. But she never counted on falling in love during her last year of college, and she certainly didn't imagine falling for the one that's responsible for grading her papers...
1. All About Us

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but the plot. Story title inspired by Terrible Love by Birdy.

* * *

As usual, the metal handle on the door shrieked like nails on a chalkboard once it was pushed down; a sound so harsh that nearly everyone around flinched once it fell upon their ears. Almost all the passersby were used to the sound of door opening and closing, as it was a sound they heard plenty of times before, but no matter how many times they had heard it in passing, it was never something they fully got used to. It always took them by surprise and brought them out of their busy element, forced them to look up, grit their teeth and curse at the person that had made it elicit such a noise. It was something they could gladly go the rest of their lives without witnessing ever again. Almost all the buildings were old. Some of them were being redone, some of them were being left alone. But all of them had flaws. None of them as bad as the annoying squeaky door, though.

With one unapologetic, gentle yet forceful nudge, brisk, wintry air flooded the building and collided with the heat emanating from within the four walls. Snowflakes moderately speckled down from the sky, collecting on the pre-existing white blanket covering almost the entire campus, and the sun just barely peeked out from behind a sparse gray cloud that hung in the sky. It was less than ideal for a typical morning. It was the kind of weather that made her, and at least a few dozen other students want to do nothing but stay in the comfort of their heated residences.

She licked her lips as she stepped down onto the crunchy, snow-covered pavement and folded her arms tightly across her chest. Purely out of habit, she geared her head towards the ground and stared at the glimmering snow with every step she took, silently cursing at herself for not choosing to dress better. It was a usual January morning. The wind was blowing her hair in all directions, her lips were chapped as soon as she stepped out into the cold and her teeth were even chattering. She was expecting this. She knew it was going to be cold; she had been in New Jersey long enough to predict the weather sometimes better than the sketchy meteorologists on the channel twelve news. What she didn't know was what possessed her to put on a thin pair of black yoga pants and a gray hooded sweatshirt with nothing underneath.

As the wind continued to whip her hair, which was still damp from the brief shower she took about an hour earlier, all over her head, she plunged her hands deep in the pockets of her sweatshirt and slowly lifted her head because though she knew she was walking in the right direction, she wanted to ensure that she wasn't in anybody's way when she walked. She sighed and watched her breath leave a trail of white smoke in the air.

Approaching the light brown bricked building, she pulled the slipping strap of her backpack up on her shoulder and lightly jogged up the small flight of steps. Just as she reached in to grab the handle, the heavy wooden door flung open and through it rushed a small group of other students, gleefully chatting about the class they were clearly just released from. Careful not to get in their way, she politely stood off to the side and let them walk out before she walked in. She eyed them when they passed and her eyes widened when she noticed the girl that walked past her.

With long, blonde hair that fell past her waist and perfectly winged eyeliner, the girl uttered a hearty, fake laugh at the guy she was walking beside and adjusted the flimsy black cardigan she wore over an orange spaghetti-strapped camisole. Sure, the blonde's jeans were tight and sported holes along the legs, but the things that made her eyes widen the way they did were the silver, sparkly, open-toed sandals that she wore.

She stared at her while she walked the entire way down the steps. She didn't mean to, but she did. And she shook her head at the stupidity that masked her own. _And I thought I deserved to catch a cold_ , she thought to herself. Still shaking her head, she easily slipped through the door that was now closing and dragged her own knock-off UGG boots across the black carpet that laid out a dry pathway down the entire hallway.

"104A, 104A, 104A," she mouthed to herself and under her breath as her eyes scanned the hallway.

She had many classes in this building before, but never one in 104A, which had to be an auditorium. Every room that had a letter "A" succeeding it was an auditorium, she knew that much. Though she was far from it, she couldn't help but feel as if she was a freshman again. Like a lost freshman, too. Like the freshman that was aimlessly wandering her way through the halls, hoping that some ruthless senior didn't notice that she was lost and inevitably offer a kind helping hand. It was nice of the seniors to point her in the right direction the way they did when she was a freshman, but she was independent. And she distinctly remembered the conversation she had with Dale Winston, quarterback of the championship football team, three years ago. She was looking at her schedule, he asked if she needed help. She said no, he went about his business. It wasn't much to remember, but she did solely because by refusing help from him, she had successfully made herself late to her third class ever, freshman year. That was always a problem she had, though. She didn't quite know how to accept help from anyone.

"104A." She nodded to herself once she finally found her way to her classroom and meandered inside.

She eyed the sea of chairs, most of which were already filled up and hooked her thumbs underneath the straps of her backpack just to seem like she was doing something besides standing and looking for a place to sit. There weren't many places to sit, even in an auditorium. Though prestigious, it was a small university and there wasn't really a need for an abundant amount of chairs in the small lecture hall. She shrugged her shoulders just slightly and carelessly sat in a chair near the back wall.

Usually, she'd aim to sit in the front. It was just the kind of student she was. And it wasn't like there weren't any free spots in the front, because there were tons. But for some reason this morning, she just didn't care. She plopped her backpack down on the flight of steps beside the chair she sat in and crossed her legs, resting her elbow on the writing tray in front of her. _I'll sit in the front on Wednesday_ , she reasoned. _And I'll go to bed an hour earlier so I'm not resentfully dragging my ass to class, too._

Pulling her out of her thoughts, the air beside her shifted and of course, she turned her head to see what—or who, was the matter. An easy grin spread across her face once she saw who it was, and she moved her backpack out of the way.

"I was beginning to think you weren't going to make it," she mumbled.

"I didn't even brush my teeth," Stephanie hurriedly sat down in the empty chair next to her, and stuffed a piece of gum into her mouth. "Why didn't you wake me up?!"

"You were sleeping so peacefully."

"Yeah right Jo," she chomped, yanking the ponytail holder off her wrist and forcibly tying her thick black curls up into a messy bun. "You really should've woken me up."

Jo combed her fingers through her own messy, soggy brunette waves and sighed. "Last time I woke you up, you told me to leave you the hell alone and never touch you again."

"I wasn't serious!" Stephanie sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes. "You really thought you could leave, knowing we have the same class, without waking me up? You have to be the worst roommate."

"I thought you were intentionally skipping," Jo shrugged her shoulders.

"On the first day of spring classes?"

"Alright, alright. I'll wake you up next time. Sorry," Jo sighed. She leaned over towards her backpack and unzipped the front compartment. She filed through it for a moment, grabbed her pencil, then unzipped the bigger part and pulled out her notebook. "How'd you do last semester?" she asked, merely trying to make conversation with her best friend solely because she was bored and there were still three minutes before class was slated to begin.

"Four As and a B," Stephanie mindlessly fumbled with the bent edge of her syllabus, noticeably avoiding eye contact with her. She was wondering how long it would be before Jo brought up grades. They just got back on campus last night from the winter break and somehow the topic hadn't already come up. She knew it was only a matter of time, though. Though she and Jo had been roommates since freshman year and best friends for just as long, she still found it hard to admit to her when she got less than desirable grades. She was the opposite of Jo, both physically and internally. "3.67. How about you?" she retorted, more out of obligation than interest.

"I did okay," Jo shrugged again. She always found herself downplaying her success, because she knew it bothered Stephanie. She would never mention it, but Jo was far from stupid. She could pick up on the way her friend visibly and audibly grew uncomfortable when grades were discussed. Truth be told, she did more than "okay". Grades were printed and the Dean's List came out two days ago, and she was sitting on a comfortable 4.0 grade point average. She wouldn't boast it though. Not around Stephanie. "Where are you headed after this again? I don't have class again until one…wanna go grab lunch?"

"You wanna go down to the Wilcox Room to eat or what?"

"We can go to Wilcox if you want, since it's closer," Jo nodded. "Are you gonna ask Heather and Leah too?"

"No," Stephanie shook her head. "If I ask Heather and Leah then I'm gonna have to ask Shane too and no offense, but Shane's been way on my nerves lately. It's just gonna be me and you."

Jo laughed, "Why would I take offense to that? I can't stand Shane. He's such a know-it-all."

"I was just saying that—"

Interrupting Stephanie mid-sentence, a slight tap on a microphone echoed throughout the entire auditorium and commanded everyone's attention to the front. A short, stout, elderly man with wispy white hair and a thick pair of glasses on cleared his throat and adjusted the podium, slowly scooting his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. He wore a light blue and white button-down shirt and a casual pair of jeans, attire that surprised everyone in the classroom. Usually, the professors here dressed to the nines in business suits that were various shades of blacks, blues and grays. This professor surely was extraordinary donning his off-the-cuff attire and rundown sneakers. Secretly, Jo liked it though. His outfit made her smile. She thought it made him seem carefree, which was something not often seen by Princeton professors.

"Alright, it's 9:00 on the dot and I would like to get started," his meek voice was phlegmy and though he was speaking into the microphone, he barely projected. His stiff, liver-spotted hands moved slowly as he tapped the space bar on the computer and lit up the silver screen that hung behind him. "I'm Dr. Leeds and welcome to Molecular Histology." He cleared his throat and looked around for a moment before tapping the space bar on his computer again and adjusting his glasses for the second time. "As you all should know or at least be familiar with, histology is the study of the microscopic anatomy of the tissues of animals. This semester, you all will be…"

Naturally, Jo flipped open the cover of her notebook and pressed the lead through her mechanical pencil, prepared to begin taking notes. For the second time of the day, her mind wandered back to when she was a freshman. She remembered how embarrassed she was when she came to class her first day, totally unprepared. She didn't expect work on her first day of classes. She expected her professors to just go over their syllabuses let them leave. Boy, she was wrong. She was a freshman, though. And she never made that mistake again. From that moment on, she expected this. After all, it was the Ivy League. These days, she was prepared for lectures to start on the first day and last the entire hour and twenty minutes she was in the class for.

They never wasted a moment.

* * *

"Jo, what are you doing?" Stephanie asked, mouthful of cantaloupe. She stabbed her fork down into the white porcelain bowl in front of her and picked up another piece of the orange fruit. "You're supposed to be eeeeating."

"I _am_ eating," Jo mumbled, quickly picking up a French fry and stuffing it into her mouth. She chewed it slowly so that she could maintain her concentration on the task at hand. Her hand busily flew across the sheet of notebook paper as she silently read the page of the book that was opened and sitting on the table in the middle of all their food. Stephanie sighed hard and audibly and Jo looked up. "See?" She opened her mouth and stuck her tongue out to reveal the chewed-up French fry.

Stephanie turned her nose up and shook her head, forking more fruit into her mouth. "I meant put away the book. It's the first day of classes, letting your homework sit won't kill you. It isnt' due until Wednesday."

"Why let it sit when I can just get it done?" She picked up another fry, dipped it in the cup of ranch dressing she got for her chicken tenders and ate it. "Besides, don't even act like you aren't going to ask me to copy mine when you don't feel like doing yours tomorrow night."

"You act like you ever let me copy." Steph pushed her bowl away and scooted Jo's plate of fries toward her. "When's the last time you ever let me copy your homework?"

Jo looked up from her homework briefly and put her pencil down, reaching across the table and lightly slapping a golden fry from her friend's hand. "Last semester, before finals week. I let you copy my A&P worksheet," she said. Stephanie rolled her eyes and ate one single fry before Jo reached across the table again and slapped her hand. "Paws off my food."

"I didn't slap your hand when you ate one of my croutons," Stephanie spat back.

"I'm not on a strict diet that I'll lose my scholarship over if I don't make weight," Jo quipped.

Steph looked away, knowing that Jo was right. Sometimes, she hated being in college on a cheerleading scholarship. Sometimes she just wanted to eat French fries and big slice of pizza without having to worry about gaining the weight. Sometimes she just wanted to skip "weigh-in" for the week and not worry about which one of her coaches was going to tell her to lose an unreasonable amount of weight to stay on the squad. Sometimes, she wanted to be just like Jo. She wanted to be here on an academic scholarship instead of an athletic one. She wanted to eat whatever she wanted and not gain anything from it the way Jo seemed to. She just wanted to be like her best friend.

"Did Leeds say to turn this in to him on Wednesday by hand or e-mail it to him?" Jo asked, finally closing her book.

Stephanie nibbled on a piece of lettuce and sighed. "He said turn it into his TA on Wednesday. In class."

"He has a TA? Since when?"

"Since the last ten minutes of class when he said that he had one."

"Must've dozed off during that part," Jo giggled. She seriously didn't recall Dr. Leeds ever mentioning that he had a teaching assistant. Usually when professors had TAs, they were introduced on the first day of class. Maybe today was different. "Was his TA there today?"

"No, he said he'll be there on Wednesday. Seriously, did you pay attention at all when the man talked?"

"Apparently not. Does the TA have a name?"

"Karen…Alexandra or Alexandra Karen…or something like that, I dunno."

"Ooh, a girl," Jo licked a bead of ranch dressing from the corner of her mouth and exhaled, scooting her cup of Diet Dr. Pepper over so she could take a sip. She sucked on the straw for a few seconds before swallowing the mouthful of fizzy soda and sat back, prodding the ice cubes in the bottom of her glass with her straw out of boredom. All of a sudden, Steph gasped and sat completely upright in their booth, craning her neck. "What? What happened?" Jo sat up too. "What?"

"Look, look! Look! Oh god, look!" Steph beamed, subtly pointing her index finger toward the serving stations. "Oh god…he's gorgeous."

"Who?" Jo turned all the way around in her seat just so she could see. "Who's gorgeous?"

"Him!" Steph exclaimed in a loud whisper.

Jo traced her friend's bony finger with her eyes and finally saw who she was pointing to. He was standing at the grilling station, scrabbling around with a pair of black plastic tongs to grab a hamburger bun. He wore baggy jeans that had a neat crease ironed down the leg and a deep crimson colored sweater. His light brown hair was neatly combed, his muscles almost burst through his shirt and when he smiled, his clean white teeth aligned perfectly. He blinked, batted his long eyelashes and smiled at the lady behind the serving station with haunting blue eyes. He was aesthetically perfect, the essence of everything desirable. Star point guard on the basketball team, weight lifter. So charming that he could make even the most shrew women tame. He had an aura about him that was likable, tons of friends and so well known.

Jo licked her lips as her stomach did a backflip, and she sat back down in her seat. Faintly, she pushed her plate of fries away from her and looked away from her glass of soda. She wasn't hungry anymore.

"God… Mike McDonald…he's SO fine," Stephanie sighed dreamily and shook her head as she finally looked away from the man just as he nestled a hamburger patty between the buns. "And I can't believe he's single!"

"I can," Jo muttered.

"You don't think he's sexy?!"

"He's alright," Jo shrugged. "I wouldn't date him."

Stephanie rolled her eyes and shook her head. She didn't get Jo at all sometimes. Almost every girl on campus was attracted to Mike McDonald. Even some of the professors were! Princeton was a small school and an even smaller campus. Everyone knew everyone. Mike was everything a man ought to be. He was smart, he made the Dean's List every semester. He was athletic, here on a basketball scholarship. He was sweet, too. He volunteered to help out with the Special Olympics every summer. How wasn't Jo attracted to him? He had everything!

"Sometimes I don't get you," Steph began. "You think Shane, who's a first class douchebag, is attractive but you wouldn't date Michael McDonald? You'd date SHANE ROSS, but not Michael McDonald."

"I NEVER said I'd date Shane, I just said he was nice looking. I wouldn't date Shane," Jo accidentally snapped. Steph didn't understand her logic, which was clear. But at the same time, she didn't fault her. Nobody understood how un-fascinated she was with Mike McDonald. Nobody probably ever would, either. "But I definitely wouldn't date Mike McDonald," she sighed. "I just don't get the hype around him…he's not that special…" she glanced back over in the direction of Mike again and felt goosebumps raise up on her arms. "He's kind of a tool."

"You don't even know him!" Steph countered.

"And _you_ do?!" Jo folded her arms across her chest and bit at her bottom lip. "Whatever Steph," she mumbled and ran her fingers through her hair, preparing to change the subject. "I'm gonna go grab some ice cream. You want anything while I'm up?"

"No," Steph shook her head.

Jo nodded once to avoid saying anything further and began scooting out of the booth. She looked up and noticed someone approaching the very booth she sat in though, which made her immediately cease to even attempt getting up. She sat completely still and closed her eyes, feeling her cheeks flush bright red.

"Oh no," she whispered to Steph. She opened her eyes and noticed her friend's concerned look. "Just….act natural, act casual, whatever," she whispered again.

"What?"

Jo just expressively rolled her eyes around and pretended to be busy and preoccupied by hurrying up and opening her Molecular Histology book again. _Maybe if he sees I'm busy, he won't stay long._ She glanced up quickly and saw him blissfully walking, with a bounce in his step, over to them. He lifted his hand up and shot a crooked smile her way, greeting her. Jo's shoulders slouched, but she lifted her hand up anyway and lazily waved at him. Stephanie looked back at who Jo was waving too and pursed her lips together to conceal her laughter.

"Hey Jo!" he said cheerfully, gripping a white porcelain plate full of meatloaf in his hands. He stood at the end of their table and looked on. "You look nice today."

"Hey Isaac," Jo said back, wearing a clearly uncomfortable smile. "Thank you." _How do I look nice? I'm literally wearing yoga pants and a hoodie. And my hair air-dried from my shower this morning. And I'm not wearing any makeup. Why are you lying to me?_

"You're welcome," the blond, baby-faced boy politely nodded his head and gave Jo an eager smile. "So…are you workin' on homework?"

"Mmm-hmm," Jo nodded.

"Do you guys mind if I sit here? Or…"

"We were just getting ready to l—"

"Oh yeah, of course," Stephanie graciously scooted over and moved her plates and bowls over too. "You can sit right here Isaac." Jo shot Stephanie a look and Steph just raised her eyebrows.

"Thanks!" Isaac enthusiastically sat down beside Stephanie and looked across the table at Jo. She was beautiful. Her brunette hair rested in gentle, casual, tousled waves around her chest and she had the biggest, most beautiful brown eyes he had ever seen. He could get lost in those eyes. Her lips were perfect and heart-shaped and God, even in a sweatshirt she looked like she stepped off a runway. She was the woman of his dreams. Someday, she'd be his. He promised himself that. And when that day came, he would cherish her forever and never let her go. Ever. "Is that Molecular Histology?"

"Yep," Jo nodded her head.

"Are you taking Leeds?" he asked. Jo nodded again. "Good luck. I hear he's a really tough grader. He's got a TA this semester too and I heard last semester he just passed all his papers off to his TA to grade. It's not the same TA, but my friend Andrew had his TA last semester and he said she graded really easy. His TA this semester is a guy though. Last semester it was a girl."

"I thought you said his TA's a girl?" Jo asked Steph.

"I didn't really pay attention, it could be a guy," Steph shrugged.

"And you say I don't pay attention."

* * *

 **A/N:** So I took a pretty long hiatus with writing multichapters, but I really missed it and now I'm back! It's my first time attempting a story in third person, so I hope you guys like it.

Also, this story is a little bit different as each chapter will be titled after a song. If you are ever interested in what song the chapter is titled after, just ask.


	2. It's All About You

The keys jingled when they were roughly inserted into the lock and turned. The shiny brass knob turned and slowly, the door creaked as it opened. Inside the tiny, usually cramped apartment, it was quiet. The television in the small living room didn't play, the sink in the kitchen wasn't running and the bedroom door was still closed the way it was when he left this morning.

He kicked his shoes off beside the door and hung his keys on the keyrack that was mounted to the wall just above the end table that housed all the unopened mail. He reached up and slipped his beanie hat off his head and hung it up on the coatrack, before unzipping his heavy leather jacket and shrugging out of it as well. It was peaceful in the apartment, just the way he liked it. He enjoyed it when he could just be alone. He enjoyed it when he could have a moment to think. Those moments were so few and far between.

His socks, which were soggy and wet due to the fact that he had trudged through a few inches of snow in inappropriate running shoes, sunk deep into the plush carpeting of the apartment as he dragged his feet to the kitchen. He slapped at the light switch and finally brought some life into the deadened complex. He left damp footprints all across the hardwood floor of the kitchen as he walked over to the refrigerator, eyeing the empty sink. She had been home. He didn't know where she was now, but she had been home. When he left out this morning, last night's dinner dishes still inhabited the sink and the stove was still cluttered with the pots and pans she dirtied to make it.

It was clean now. The sink was empty and water droplets were collected in the base, the stove was cleared off and it looked as though nothing had been made in the kitchen in a few days. _She must've come home on her lunch break_ , he figured.

He yanked the fridge open and grabbed the carton of orange juice that resided behind a leftover container of Chinese food and unscrewed the cap. He took a few long, drowned out sips straight from the carton and belched once he finished. Deep in the pit of his abdomen, he felt the familiar rumble of hunger prodding at his stomach, but he closed the fridge anyway. It was going on 5:30. She'd be home soon enough and he could hold out until then instead of eating a measly bowl of cereal or entire bag of chips to hold him over. Besides, she sometimes got angry if he ate something before she had the chance to come home and cook.

He shut the light back off and headed back toward the living room, plopping down on the couch and finally allowing himself to rest. He had been running around all day. He aimed the remote at the television set and turned it on, kicking his feet up and resting them on the cheap coffee table.

Just as he expected, the door to the apartment opened once again and he didn't have to look to know who it was. She stumbled inside, stomping her boots free of snow and flexing her fingers which had gone numb on the short walk up the steps. He paused the TV so he didn't miss a moment of The Big Bang Theory and quickly took his feet off the table before she had a chance to notice they were up.

"Was it snowing when you came home?" she asked him, pulling her arms out of her heavy Columbia coat. Her usually pale white cheeks were a brilliant shade of red and her bouncy blonde curls swung voluminously with every move she made, even despite being tied up in a ponytail. "Because it's snowing out there now."

"Nah," he shook his head and watched as she bent down to unzip her knee-high boots. "It wasn't snowing out there when I came in. Must've just started."

"Yeah," she locked the front door and sauntered over to the couch that he was sitting on. "It must have just started." Instead of sitting on the empty cushion beside him, she made herself comfortable on his lap and flashed him a bright, "I missed you" kind of smile. "How was your day?"

Though he wasn't quite in the mood to have her slumming all over his lap, he still placed his hands on her hips and welcomed her by shifting his weight so she was comfortable.

"Boring," he murmured, leaning in to give her the kiss he knew she was waiting for. She cupped her hands gently around his face and held him still. She pressed her soft lips neatly to his and gave him a quick, chaste kiss. "Mmm," he groaned when she pulled away. "How was yours?"

"Same," she sighed and brushed her thumb along his lips. "You hungry?"

"Very."

After giving him yet another quick kiss, she climbed off his lap and dashed off into the kitchen. From the corner of his eye, he watched her as she walked away and when she disappeared into the kitchen, he unpaused the TV and tuned back into the episode he was watching before she came in.

Secretly, he wondered what she was going to make. She wasn't a horrible cook, but she didn't have much of a variety. He wasn't picky though. He would eat whatever she made. Usually, when she came home from work, she didn't feel like cooking. When she worked late like she did today, they ate takeout. He figured today was a day she actually felt like cooking though.

"Alex."

"Huh?" he turned his head toward the kitchen, where she was peering around the corner.

"I asked you if you wanted spaghetti."

"Oh?" he raised an eyebrow. "Didn't hear you… But yeah. Spaghetti's fine."

She nodded her head once and went back into the kitchen, still talking when she walked away. He couldn't hear her, so Alex sighed and begrudgingly paused the TV once again. He hated when she talked while she was walking away like that. She'd talk while she was walking in the opposite direction so of course, he couldn't hear her and then she'd have the audacity to get mad when he'd ask her to repeat herself. So instead of causing an argument, he figured that he should just get up and go into the kitchen until she was done talking about whatever it was that she was talking about.

He wandered into the kitchen to find her thawing a package of ground meat. She stood at the sink, running hot water over the unopened package and he plopped down at one of the kitchen chairs.

"Well how was your first day?" she turned the faucet off and turned around to face him. "Meet any students or whatever?"

He shook his head and pretended to be interested in a piece of plastic fruit in the woven basket in the middle of the table. How many times did he have to tell her that he wasn't going to be in the actual classroom until Wednesday? It was Monday. He had to fill out an ungodly amount of paperwork today and shadow someone until he learned the entire campus. Tomorrow would be the same thing, except he'd be shadowing the actual Doctor he'd be studying under. Wednesday was his first day in the classroom. He told her that at least a dozen times.

"I still don't get why you have to teach a class if you don't want to be a teacher. That still doesn't make any sense to me."

"Because I'm applying for an internship at a _teaching_ hospital when I graduate, Luce. It just looks better on my resume," he shrugged and picked up a plastic pear. He twisted the stem. "And it pays alright."

"Who's the guy you're studying under? What's his name again?"

"Leeds. He's a retired...something. Think it said he's a histologist but I can't remember," Alex sighed.

"And what exactly are you going to do?" Lucy asked, feigning genuine concern. "It's not like you can actually teach the class. You don't know anything about Histology."

"I'm not gonna literally be teaching," he sighed again, flicking the stem he pulled off the pear onto the ground. Sometimes it felt as if Lucy never listened to him. He explained all this before. Then again, that was always the case. Everything he said to her always seemed to go in one ear and out the other. The only time she ever really seemed interested was when it had to do with her. "I'm just assisting. Probably grading his papers, helping out if they need it. It's a high-level senior class so it's not like I'll be babysitting kids."

"So basically you're the Doctor's bitch."

"No, I'm more like…," his voice trailed off. The more he thought about it, the truer it seemed. He wasn't going to actually stand in front of the class and teach. Instead, he'd be helping the professor grade papers as needed, run a few tutoring sessions if needed...yeah. Maybe he was. "Yeah," he shrugged. "I'm basically his bitch. But the pay's nice, so."

Lucy giggled. "You know, I never thought you'd be the one to be a teaching assistant. You don't seem like the type."

"Yeah, well… If it'll help me once I graduate," once again, he shrugged his shoulders.

Lucy snickered again and shook her head for some reason, the second time was what bothered him. It seemed like she was making fun of him, but she of all people should've known what it was like. She was a second year obstetrics and gynecology resident. She graduated med school already. She was in his predicament once. She knew what it was like to be in the last year of med school and doing whatever was necessary to boost your chances of getting into a good program. Why was she poking fun of what he decided to do? That was one thing he didn't like about her.

He scooted out from his chair and stood up. "Lemme know when dinner's done. I'm gonna go take a shower."

* * *

The door opened and spilled hot, steamy, stuffy air out into the otherwise air-conditioned room. Once she felt the onslaught of heat rushing onto her face and causing her glasses to fog up, Stephanie took her attention off the opened Histology book that was sprawled out across her bed and looked up, only to find Jo exiting the bathroom.

With her hair soaking wet and dripping down her back, Jo held the fluffy white towel up around her chest and quietly made her way over to the dresser that housed her clothes. She opened a drawer and stared inside it as she tried to decide which t-shirt to wear to bed. She stood beside the wooden dresser and squished her still-damp toes into the carpet. It was cold outside since it was still the dead middle of winter, but it was stifling hot in the average-sized dormitory that she shared with Stephanie.

Over the winter break, they were instructed to keep their heat running so the pipes wouldn't freeze, and they were surely feeling that. Having the heat running for six weeks straight made everything warm and even though Jo and Stephanie both had agreed to keep the windows open in hopes of letting some cool air dilute the hot air, it was still like a crematorium.

Logically, Jo knew that she should put on a pair of flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt to sleep in since it _was_ winter after all, but she had to grab a tank top and a pair of shorts. There was no way she would survive the night sleeping in pants and a t-shirt. Not without burning to death.

"What's your schedule like tomorrow?" Stephanie asked, innocently watching as Jo yanked a red camisole from her drawer and a pair of black yoga shorts. "How many classes you got?"

"One," Jo tossed her clothes onto her bed and opened her underwear drawer next. "Theoretical Chemistry from 2:30-4:00. Should be illegal."

"I've never met a Chemistry major that hates Chemistry as much you do." Stephanie shook her head and went back to her Histology homework.

"It's _Bio_ chem," Jo corrected her, emphasis on the "bio" part of her major.

She truly did hate Chemistry as much as Stephanie thought she did. It wasn't an act. Though, she was hoping that theoretical chem would be easier for her due to the fact that it had a heavy focus on Mathematical structures. She was good at math. She didn't really have a weak subject as she had gotten fairly decent grades in nearly all the courses she had taken since freshman year, but if she had to pick a spot that she was slightly weaker, it would have to be Chemistry. She just didn't get the way the processes worked sometimes but usually, she could work through it. Math was her forte though. Math was something she could get into.

Although she wasn't alone in the room, Jo carelessly dropped her towel, her back facing Stephanie, and picked up the pair of black and cerulean blue underwear she laid out for herself to wear. Back when she and Steph were still just getting to know each other freshman year when they had been stuck together during their random housing assignment, both of them would change in the bathroom after taking their shower. Steph was private with her body and so was Jo. But, as they both got more and more comfortable with each other, the need to cover up became practically nonexistent.

Once she was fully dressed, Jo flopped down on her bed and picked up the hairbrush on her nightstand.

"What about your schedule?" she asked, gritting her teeth to bear with the pain of dragging her brush through her tangled mess. "What do you have tomorrow?"

"Bioethics from 10:00-11:00." Steph bent her knees and kicked her legs up, flexible enough to touch them to her head with very little effort. "What'd you get for number three?"

"Epithelial tissue," Jo rattled off, mostly from the memory of doing the worksheet only hours prior. She picked up the remote and turned on the TV before reaching over the side of her bed and grabbing the bottle of water she sat there before her shower. "Do you have cheer practice tomorrow?"

"No. I have to do an hour of workouts tomorrow though, but I don't think I'm gonna do it with the squad. I think I'm just gonna go alone. Probably around 12:30 if you wanna come to the gym with me."

"I'll think about it." Jo rolled over onto her side so she could face Steph and held her head up with her fist. "I've been meaning to tell you how much I hate you for telling him he could sit with us today."

Steph snickered, "I was just being nice."

"Yeah yeah yeah, you're such a martyr," Jo rolled her eyes. "But seriously. You know I try to avoid him at all costs and you just invite him to sit by us? What is honestly your problem?"

"He's adorable!"

"Adorably annoying," she mumbled. "Look, just don't do that anymore. I don't really want to give him false hope."

"Is that what it is?"

"That's _exactly_ what it is." She sprung up off the bed and merely tiptoed to their kitchen, letting the zebra print curtain close behind her once she left their bedroom. "Look," she spoke louder so Steph could hear her a room away. "Isaac is sweet and all but he's just not… My type, you know?!" She opened up the cupboard and craned her neck to look around for a snack. "He's nice! But I don't want to lead him on when he really doesn't have a chance!"

"I still think you'd like him if you gave him a chance!" Steph yelled back. "If you can get past the weirdness thing!"

"There is no getting past that!" She stood on the balls of her feet and grabbed the box of saltine crackers and the jar of Jif peanut butter. "He's like 22 and still watches Pokemon!"

"What's wrong with Pokemon?! I like Pokemon! And you like Star Wars! You can't judge him for liking Pokemon when you have a life-sized pillow of R2D2 on your bed!"

"R2D2 is friggin' awesome!" she giggled, slathering peanut butter on a cracker with a spoon. "Pokemon is just childish!"

"You're shallow enough to paddle in, Jo!"

"That's my middle name!" she tossed the peanut butter infested spoon into the sink and sandwiched her crackers together before gathering them all in her hands and carrying them back to the bedroom. "Seriously. If you like Isaac so much, why don't you date him?"

"Because I'm not you." Steph finally closed her book and sat upright on her bed. "And I'm about 90% sure he's not interested in me. He thinks the sun shines outta your ass, Jo. I don't think anybody else has a chance with the poor kid."

"Well he should take up interest in someone else," Jo spoke, her mouth full of peanut butter saltine cracker. "Because I'm not interested," she swallowed. "I'm not really-"

"I know. You're not looking for anyone right now," Steph mumbled in the best impression of Jo's voice she could offer. "I still think you should give Isaac Cross a chance. He'd treat you like royalty."

"Drop it Steph," Jo licked her lips. "I'm not getting with Isaac. Not now, not ever. Even if I was looking for a boyfriend, it wouldn't be him. He'd be the furthest thing from my mind…and I do mean the furthest."

"So shallow," Steph sighed. "So anyway, it's Monday. Teen Mom comes on tonight. You in or you out?"

"Which one is it?"

"The one with the regular girls on it. Not with the other girls...the regular ones."

"Ehhh," Jo pressed her tongue to the corner of her cheek and sighed. "I guess I'm in."

Truthfully, Jo didn't really get the fascination with trashy reality TV. Steph was practically obsessed with it and she had a pretty solid lineup on the weekdays. Mondays were for Teen Mom, Tuesdays were for Dance Moms, Wednesdays meant she had to put up with the Kardashians, Thursdays were dedicated to Project Runway and some show called Bring It came on on Fridays. Usually, Steph controlled the TV and most of the time, Jo didn't mind that.

Coming into college freshman year, she didn't have any favorite TV shows. Admittedly, she hardly knew what a TV was. It was a rarity where she came from and needless to say, she was surprised when she waltzed into her dorm on freshman Move-In Day only to find that her roommate brought a TV. For the third time of the day, she allowed her mind to go back to when she was a freshman, but for the first time of the day, she actually allowed herself to slip into a rather pleasant daydream.

" _Hey," she speaks up and breaks the silence that's been between them for almost two hours now._

 _They set up their room, made their beds, saw her parents off and have been doing nothing but relaxing since. They have some kind of orientation program to go to, but that's not for another two hours. This is supposed to be bonding time. But not much bonding can be done when both of them are too shy and nervous to speak a word._

 _The brunette looks up from the purple binder on her lap and puts down her Sharpie marker while she sees what her roommate wants._

" _Do you wanna watch something?" she nudges the remote towards her new roommate just to be nice. After all, the channel has been locked on Lifetime for two hours._

 _The brunette shakes her head and continues quietly labeling her binder. She figures that being quiet is the best option anyway. She hopes her roommate doesn't mistake her quietness for bitchiness because that's not the case. She just doesn't want to admit that she doesn't have anything that she would want to have turned on. She's not familiar with television. She doesn't know the channels. She doesn't even know what would be on._

" _So…," she speaks again, causing the brunette to once more put her marker down. "Do you have any favorite TV shows?" The brunette shakes her head slowly. "Do you like the Kardashians?" The brunette shrugs. "Have you ever watched their show?" She shakes her head again. "What?! You've never watched the Kardashians?!"_

 _She takes a deep breath and stuffs the cap onto her marker. She figures telling the truth would be better than having her roommate think she's a sheltered weirdo. She already knows something's up anyway. After all, she didn't have parents here today. She moved herself in. She didn't have much, either. Dollar store school supplies, a plain colored comforter for her bed and only one single sheet set. She didn't come here with suitcases full of clothes and crates full of belongings. She came with one garbage bag._

" _I've never really watched TV," she sheepishly admits. "I like this show...whatever it is," she shrugs._

" _This is Dance Moms…," she perks up just slightly and turns the TV up. She didn't know she had been paying attention the entire time. She figured she was lost in labeling her binders. "That little girl right there? That's Maddie. She's supposed to be the best but Paige is my favorite."_

" _...I kind of like Chloe," she whispers. "I think. I've just been listening mostly, but Chloe seems...she seems sweet."_

" _She is!"_

To herself, Jo secretly smiled at her memory. In a sense, she couldn't believe how far she'd come. She'd gone from being too nervous to speak to her roommate to being best friends and carefree enough to change clothes in front of her. She'd gone from not even wanting to look up from her binders to wanting to do nothing but lounge around and watch Netflix with Stephanie. She had gone from not knowing what the channels were to having a favorite show and knowing that that show came on Adult Swim every night at 11:00. Something about Family Guy always made her laugh.

"Hey Steph," Jo spoke, still secretly reeling from her miniature daydream. Bending over to take her socks off so she could finally get into the shower herself, Steph looked up when Jo summoned her. "You remember freshman year when I didn't really know what a TV was?"

Steph cracked a smile. "...You didn't know what anything was." She sat back down on the bed and swung her feet. "You remember when you went home with me that one weekend freshman year and you were so surprised when my mom told you you could wash your clothes? Even though you only had a pair of jeans and a t-shirt dirty?" Jo closed her eyes as her cheeks flushed bright red. Stephanie laughed, "You felt so bad! You felt so bad for wasting water and laundry soap!"

"Alright, alright," Jo held her hand up. "Enough. I was a freshman and I was coming off of living in a car...where I only did laundry once every two weeks at the laundromat."

"You were like 'Really? Mrs. Edwards, really?!' You were so cute!"

"Stop making fun of me!"

Steph quieted her laughter down and shook her head when she looked at Jo. "...I'd never make fun of you," she smirked. "I just loved that. I loved how ignorant you were… It was just…," she trailed off. "...Humbling,

I guess." Jo raised her eyebrow and Steph blushed this time, embarrassed. "Well… I mean… You never really notice how much you take for granted, you know? I came into college as a TV addict and got paired with a roommate that never watched TV before. You think of watching TV as nothing special… Like a right of passage or whatever. But then there's you… Never watched it… And I realized…that's a privilege."

As she laid on top of her bed, Jo stared up at the ceiling and let what Stephanie had said resonate with her. She, of course, never thought about it that way. Though in the back of her mind she knew it wasn't true, she couldn't help but find a sense of normalcy in the way she lived before college. Hell, she still lived that way during university recesses.

She knew there was nothing normal about being sixteen years old and sleeping in the backseat of a car. She knew that circling around to find a safe place to park the car at night wasn't something that held true for most people. She knew when she was squatting behind a bush or ducking into a convenience store to use the bathroom that it wasn't typical to live that way. But still, she had done it for so long that it was somewhat normal to her. It held a sense of comfort for her.

Of course, she'd much rather live in the safety and comfort of the dorm she shared with Stephanie. It had heat, a functioning toilet, a hot shower, a warm bed and an unlimited amount of food able to be prepared in the kitchen. In her dorm, she didn't have to worry about whether or not she could go to the bathroom right away. She didn't have to ration out her clothes to last until she was able to do laundry. She rarely went to sleep for the night with an uncomfortable rumbling sensation in the pit of her stomach. She lived comfortably in her dorm.

But during the winter and summer breaks, when school was let out, she had to go back to the life she knew in the car and though most people would probably be bitter about that, she never was. Going back to her car was always bittersweet. Bitter, for obvious reasons, but sweet because she was, in a sense, going home. To most of the people she knew, going home to them meant lounging around in a living room with a plasma screen television set. It meant eating hot, home-cooked meals prepared by Mom and Dad and sometimes a chef. It meant sinking down into a king-sized mattress that hugged bodies like a cloud and staying up until ungodly hours of the night talking on lavish cell phones. To them, that was "home." But to Jo, home was stretching out in the backseat of the car and occasionally turning on the radio for entertainment. It was camping out in the local public library and filling her head with stories of knights slaying dragons at the expense of silly princesses getting in the way and occasionally indulging in a Nicholas Sparks romance novel. It was unconventional, but it was her definition of home. And though it was less than desirable and almost deplorable conditions, it was something she found solace in.

After spending nearly ten minutes lost in her own thoughts, Jo sat upright on her bed again and looked at Steph again, who was now standing in nothing but her bra and the jeans she wore all day.

"Steph," she crossed her legs and mindlessly picked at a frayed split end that rested neatly on her chest. "Are you sure Leeds said to turn in our homework to his TA on Wednesday?"

Stephanie sucked her teeth and threw her head back. She hated when Jo excessively worried about her homework like this. There weren't many things she didn't like about Jo. She didn't like the way her hair got everywhere and stuck to all her clothes. She hated the way she felt the need to lock the door all the time, even when she only ran down to the laundry room. And she hated, above everything else, the way Jo shook the packets of oatmeal before she dumped them into the bowl. It was loud and obnoxious and annoying. There weren't many things about Jo she disliked though. But perhaps the most irritating thing was when she fretted unnecessarily about homework that wasn't due for a while. THAT really got on her nerves.

"Yes, Jo," she sighed. "I'm sure. He said to turn it in on Wednesday. I'm positive. Stop worrying your pretty little pointed head."

"I'm just making sure," Jo mumbled, cautiously aware that she had ultimately annoyed Stephanie. "I just… I wasn't paying attention when he said that and I'm just trying to be sure."

"I swear I heard him say that. Okay? I swear." Steph turned around so her back was facing Jo and unbuckled her bra. "He told us that his TA would be there on Wednesday and collecting our homework. I promise."

"Okay," Jo settled. Sometimes, she thought it seemed as if she always annoyed Steph. At least when it came to discussing schoolwork. She made a mental note to avoid asking anymore questions about homework. At least for the night. "Well, what do you think his TA's gonna be like? Isaac said that Leeds usually passes all his work off to the TA…" Jo sighed and flopped down on her stomach. "I hope we don't get an asshole in charge of our grades."

"Aren't most TAs assholes though? Dr. Coleman's TA was an asshole last semester and the semester before that? Remember how we had to deal with Manges' TA?"

"Oooh yeah," Jo cringed as she remembered. "I think it's like a right of passage or something. Or like a test that they have to pass. Must be a certified asshole to be a teaching assistant."

Steph laughed as she stepped out of her underwear and wrapped her pink towel around her body.

"Yeah, that's more like it."


	3. Rude

The bright red pickup truck rolled to a slow, gentle stop and sputtered a few puffs of thick, black smoke from its outdated muffler. As it laid dormant, it rumbled boisterously and continued to chug until he finally turned the keys and killed the power. He needed a new one, that was for sure. It broke down maybe once or twice a week, sometimes it wouldn't start and it desperately needed a new pair of brakes. It sincerely was a piece of junk. But it got him from place to place and that alone was enough to not warrant a complaint from him.

He stepped out of the truck and crunched down into the still-there blanket of brown, muddy snow, slamming the door shut behind him since the only way it ever did close was if he slammed it. He slung his brown leather briefcase over his shoulder and stuffed his keys into his coat pocket, not even bothering to lock his car doors. If someone actually put forth the effort to hotwire and steal a 1998 Ford Ranger pickup truck, he figured that they were pretty desperate and at that point, they probably needed it more than he did. Realistically, the truck probably belonged in a junkyard and if someone wanted to steal it, they could have it. At least then it would be off his hands.

His phone buzzed in the back pocket of his baggy blue jeans and for a second, he thought that maybe he should ignore it. He knew it was Lucy. It was almost 8:30 in the morning and this was the usual time she'd text him. Normally, he'd answer her right away when she text messaged him, but this time was different. This time, he didn't care to hold a conversation with her.

Somehow, he had finally managed to get out of the foul mood she put him in before he left the house this morning, and he knew that she was only texting him to rehash the same issue. She always did it. It was a vicious cycle. They'd argue, she'd tell him he was wrong, he'd explain why he felt like he was right, she'd tell him again why he was wrong and she was right, and for the sake of saving his breath, he'd let her win. And after letting her win, he'd leave the house or go into the bedroom just to get away from her and cool down, but she never let that happen as almost immediately, his phone would light up with a text message from her "just making sure he understood her point." It was a constant continuum. He got in the car, turned his radio up loud and tried to rid himself of his bad mood since it was his first day. Now, he actually had done that, and of course, his phone was buzzing. He just didn't want to look at the text. He wanted to preserve his good mood.

But, since he knew that the only thing worse than answering was _not_ answering, he reached in his back pocket and plucked his outdated iPhone 5 from it. If he didn't answer, he'd surely be hearing about it over dinner tonight.

As he trudged through the sloshy parking lot, he kept his head geared toward the ground as his thumbs mindlessly flew across the touch screen of his cell phone while he typed his response.

 **Wednesday, January 13, 2016**

 **8:32 a.m.**

 **iMessage**

 **Lucy** : Ik you left the house this morning when we were on bad terms but just wanted to wish you luck on your 1st day. You'll do great. Love you and see you later!

 **Alex** : Thnx see u later

He slid his phone back into his pocket after tapping the blue "send" button and wrapped his now free hand around the icy stone railing as he climbed up the stairs. Like he always did after sending a text message back to Lucy, he combed his brain for potential errors. _She could get mad that I didn't tell her I loved her too_. He sighed. Error number one. _She probably won't. She'll just be happy that I texted her back in the first place._ Yeah right. Who was he kidding? Lucy always found a reason to be mad at him.

His light brown Timberland boots squeaked while he walked down the hallway and down a small, hidden flight of steps that would lead him to the front of the auditorium. He pushed Lucy to the back of his mind, too. Most likely, his failure to reciprocate her "I love you" would lead to an argument later but it was something he just couldn't deal with. Not when he was already dealing with the nerves and jitters of his first day of work.

He felt prepared though. All day yesterday, he shadowed Dr. Leeds and he knew what he was supposed to do today. He knew the exact auditorium he would be spending the semester in, he knew exactly what to say when he introduced himself this morning, and he knew that his first job was to collect a homework assignment that was assigned to the class on Monday. For that part, he wasn't nervous. He was well prepared and he had all the necessary equipment to ensure that today ran smoothly. He wasn't about to let Lucy throw a wrench in his plans.

He yanked the door open and shuffled through it, entering the familiar auditorium. It, of course, looked the same as it did yesterday when he shadowed. The rows and rows of cushioned chairs were empty and all their accompanying desks were folded down, the carpet had fresh vacuum lines in it and it still wreaked of the chemicals the maintenance people used to clean it. The projector was powered off, the screen wasn't down and the microphone wasn't on either. It was the site of a class before it was taught. Before the students wandered in and before any questions were asked.

He took a deep breath. This was it. This was the room he'd be spending the majority of the semester in. It seemed simple, his job. He was being paid $15.75 an hour just to grade papers. It was well over minimum wage and even if it only lasted eighteen weeks, he figured the money was worth it. $15.75 was an ungodly amount of money. In fact, when he had signed the contract and first caught a glimpse of the wage, he had to do a double take. He figured he'd be paid well, being hired in the Ivy League and all. But $15.75 seemed unrealistic. $15.75 seemed ridiculous.

He set his briefcase down on the table at the front of the stage and unzipped it just as the door opened again. Through it walked the same man he was with all day yesterday and for some reason, that settled him. He exhaled a breath he didn't even know he was holding in and finally felt totally at ease.

"Morning," Dr. Leeds fashioned a friendly nod towards Alex and set his blue coffee thermos down on the podium. "Ready for your first day?"

"Ready as I'll ever be," Alex mumbled, rummaging through his briefcase for his USB stick. He wanted to have his PowerPoint presentation up and ready when the class walked in so he didn't seem unprofessional with his introduction. "You want me to just collect the papers after I go through my slideshow? Or before?"

"It doesn't matter to me." Leeds took a long sip of coffee and leaned against the podium, flipping through the teacher version of the Histology book. "You seem nervous… Are you?"

"A little," Alex admitted coolly. He plugged his USB into the computer port and pushed the button on the remote to bring the projector to life. "Not much."

"Don't be. The worst thing you can be is apprehensive. The kids… They smell nerves like fear. They'll see you're nervous and capitalize on that. So don't be apprehensive." The older man pushed the switch on the side of the podium to bring the screen down.

"Got it," Alex mumbled back. He double-clicked on his PowerPoint file and brought up the opening slide, which was a plain one with nothing but his name on it. Perhaps his presentation was what he was most nervous about. He threw it together at 10:00 last night and didn't even go through it to make sure it was free of spelling errors.

"What university did you say you graduated from again?"

"Iowa State."

"Ah," Dr. Leeds leisurely threw his head back as if Alex answered a question he already knew. "That's right. Iowa. And you're studying where now? Rutgers Medical?"

"Yep."

"What're you hoping to get into?"

"Surgery. Hoping to get into surgery. I've got my eyes set on an internship program out there in Seattle. It's at a teaching hospital. But if I don't get in there then I'm looking at Cooper up in Newark."

"Cooper's good. A buddy of mine actually did his internship up at Cooper. Said they've got one of the best cardiothoracic programs in the country. You got your mind set on a specialty yet? Or haven't thought that far?"

"Right now I'm thinking plastic surgery, but yanno… I'm open to change," Alex shrugged his shoulders. He took another deep breath, let his shoulders slouch and glanced at the silver watch on his wrist. "What time do they usually start coming in?"

"It's almost 8:50 so they should be starting to wander in any minute."

* * *

With her backpack hanging firmly from her shoulders and condensation dripping from the polyester fabric of her windbreaker, Jo stalked down the carpeted steps of the auditorium in search of an empty seat. She was feeling better today. Much better than she felt on Monday. Probably due to the fact that she actually got a full eight or so hours of sleep last night.

She felt energized enough to stuff her legs into a pair of tight skinny jeans, her feet into a pair of black fur boots and her upper body into the only black and orange "Princeton Tigers" t-shirt she owned. It was a long sleeved black shirt with orange lettering across the breasts, and it was comfortable. She even found the time to quickly run a straightener through her hair before she left. She still didn't dress to impress much of anybody, but it was definitely a step up from the yoga pants and sweatshirt she wore to this class on Monday.

She shrugged out of her damp jacket and draped it across the back of her chair. She tossed her backpack down on the steps beside the chair she elected to sit in and plopped down. Stephanie was running late this morning, but she'd be there. Jo doubted she'd sit by her though. Steph didn't really like to sit in the front as much as Jo did. But still, Jo figured she should leave the chair beside her empty just in case Steph wandered in and wanted a place to sit.

Like the good student she always tried to be, she unzipped her backpack and situated her binder and textbook on the desk tray in front of her, crossing her legs underneath the desk and facing straightforward.

Again, Dr. Leeds was dressed like he was going to hang out at a friend's house than teach a college class. He had baggy, paint-stained jeans and a casual yellow button-down t-shirt on. It was again something that only made Jo like him more. He seemed so laid back compared to her other professors but at the same time, he meant business. She grinned at his leisure attire and looked down at her binder just to double check that she had her homework in tow.

Just as she was halfway expecting, the sight of a pair of gray leggings flew by the corner of her eye and though she didn't look up to see who exactly it was that was coming to sit beside her, she scooted her legs to the side to allow the person ample space to get by. The chair beside her was soon filled and long blonde hair grazed her vision. Her jaw clenched. _Not Leah. Anybody but Leah._

"Hey Jo."

Although the didn't want to, Jo forced a smile anyway. Leah was far from her favorite person. She liked her, she did. She liked the kind of person Leah was and when she wasn't being downright insulting, she was actually quite funny. But when she wasn't funny, she was downright rude. Jo didn't dislike her, but Leah just wasn't her favorite person.

"Morning Leah," Jo mumbled and tucked a loose, stray strand of her long, brunette hair behind her ear. "I didn't know you were in this class… I didn't see you Monday."

"I just switched into it." Leah opened her own notebook and leaned closer to Jo. "What's he like? I hear he's a jerk. Is he?"

"I dunno enough about him to say for sure," Jo replied. "But I think he's pretty cool so far. What'd you switch from?"

"Anderson's class. He spit when he talked and I could hardly understand what the hell he was saying." Leah licked her lips and glanced at the seat beside her. Stephanie finally wandered in and much to Jo's surprise, she actually took the seat next to Leah.

"Is that the TA?" Stephanie whispered, loud enough for both Jo and Leah to hear. "Right there?" she pointed discreetly towards the front of the room.

"I think so," Leah replied.

Jo looked away from her friends and up at the stage. Her eyebrows raised when she finally noticed the other person standing beside the podium. She had been sitting in class far longer than everyone else and it was the first time she even noticed the other man standing next to Dr. Leeds. How long had he been standing there?

He swayed back and forth with his hands in his pockets, looking down at the ground. His wavy brown hair was neatly combed, his dark red sweater was tucked into his jeans and his boots were tied. He was dressed cleanly but he surely didn't look like a TA. He almost looked too young to be one.

"He's hot," Leah whispered. "Oh God I hope he's the TA."

"He looks like one of us. He can't be any older than what, 20?" Stephanie commented. "What could be possibly teach us?"

"I think he looks like he's nice," Jo shrugged. "Maybe he's like… A grad student or something."

"He's _super_ hot," Leah reiterated. Jo sucked her teeth and shook her head, looking away from Leah. "What? Like you weren't thinking it!"

"I actually wasn't." Jo rolled her eyes and looked back down at her binder. "He's your _teacher_ , Leah."

"He's just the assistant!"

Stephanie chimed in, "He's still in charge of grades. You're just sick."

"Whatever, he's still-"

"Alright it's 9:00, which means it's time to get started." Dr. Leeds clasped his hands together and sauntered over to the podium. Stephanie, Leah and Jo all closed their mouths instantaneously and faced forward, Jo with her hands on her binder, Leah with her eyes still locked on the attractive teaching assistant and Stephanie fiddling with the tattered edge of her homework sheet. The three girls all listened intently. "Before we begin with our lecture this morning, I'd like for you all to become acquainted with Mr. Alexander Karev. He's going to be with us for the remainder of the semester as my assistant," he motioned to the young looking guy standing to his left. Alex took his hand from his pocket and raised it, lazily greeting the entire class. "Mr. Karev is going to be a valuable resource in my classroom for the next eighteen weeks and I expect you all to utilize him to maximize your grades. He's prepared a small presentation just to tell you about himself and I'm going to let him do that." He nodded at Alex to let him know he could begin now, and Alex nodded back.

He took a steadying breath, pulled his hands from his pockets and cleared his throat.

"You guys can call me Alex," he began, his voice clearly unsteady with nerves. "None of that 'Mr. Karev' stuff. Just Alex." He dragged his feet across the stage and over to his slender, silver MacBook computer. He pressed on the mousepad and brought up the first slide of his presentation. "...My bad if you see mistakes and cra-stuff," he caught himself. "Like that on the thing. I made it at like 10:00 last night and didn't proofread."

Jo cracked a smile as an easy laugh escaped her mouth. He didn't seem like an asshole. It was kind of an unspoken law that teaching assistants had to be assholes, and she was pleasantly surprised to see that this didn't seem to be the case for him. He seemed easy-going. It probably helped that he was most likely the same age as them. Maybe a year older. No more than that, Jo figured. He couldn't possibly be any older than they were.

"So um… Yeah," Alex turned and motioned to the screen as a picture of an old, white, Cathedral-like building popped up on the screen. With another press of the mousepad, a gold and red logo came up as well. "I grew up in Des Moines… graduated from Iowa State in 2012 with a dual degree in Biology and Chemistry. Went from there straight to Rutgers Medical here in Jersey. I'm in my last year up there. I've got three more clerkships to ace before I graduate from there."

Around the auditorium, dozens of surprised gasps and murmured astonishments filled the capacity. Almost everyone in the room seemed to be surprised by that, Jo, Stephanie and Leah included. How was he a fourth year med student? He didn't look old enough!

Jo closed her mouth, which had dropped upon his revelation, and quickly did the easy calculations in her head. Assuming he graduated high school at 18, he'd have been 22 when he graduated from college, right? Which meant that he had to be about 26 now right? How?! He didn't look a day over 21!

"And that's really it for me," Alex shrugged his shoulders. "...You guys have any questions?" Of course, a few stray hands rose up in the air. "Go ahead," he pointed at one girl in the front.

"What are you going to do when you graduate med school?"

"Surgery. I'm looking into an internship up at Cooper hospital but there's another one in Seattle I'm hoping to get, too." He turned towards the left side of the auditorium. "Yes?"

"What kind of surgery are you interested in?"

"Plastics."

From the corner of her eye, Jo watched as Leah's hand weaseled into the air. Alex nodded his head at her and she seemed to perk up and sit up straight.

"If you're going into surgery when you leave here and not teaching, why are you a TA?" she asked, curiosity genuinely laced in her voice. Jo thought she could hear a faint hint of infatuation in her voice too, though.

"Because all the internship programs I'm looking into are at teaching hospitals so this looks better on my applications," he explained as if it was second nature. It was definitely something he had to explain before. Jo knew that. She could sense that just by the way he said it. "Anything else?" He asked again. Nobody else seemed to have anymore questions. So, he sighed and glanced at his watch. "Alright so… You guys had an assignment? Can you pass that towards the front? Make sure your names are on it."

 **x x x**

"He's stupid hot though," Leah delved her fist into the bowl of popcorn beside her and shoved an entire handful into her mouth. "I think I'm attracted to teachers… Or just authority figures in general."

Heather laid across Jo's bed, aiming the remote at the TV and scrolling through the channels since she was the only one in the room that didn't have Histology homework, due to the fact that she was in a different class. She settled on an episode of The Divorce Court and tossed the remote onto Jo's body pillow.

"What's he look like?" she asked.

"Brown hair, big, big muscles… God, he's got the sexiest scruff on his face… He's so hot Heather," Leah gushed.

"He can be hot all he wants, he's still a giant douche-face for assigning fifteen pages in one night." Stephanie slurped her can of Dr. Pepper and pumped the lead into her mechanical pencil so she could continue to write in her notebook. "I mean seriously. FIFTEEN pages in one night? The guy is a bastard."

"He can give me fifteen more pages as long as he lets me ride his-"

"Jo, what'd you get for number 34?" Shane interrupted just before she could get the nastiest part of her sentence out. He didn't want to hear about that. They came over to Jo and Steph's dorm to do their homework, not talk about guys and how hot they were.

"34?" Jo leaned back in her desk chair, smile still spread across her face from laughing at the way he cut Leah off. "I don't know yet. I didn't get that far. I'm on 31. Gimme a minute."

"Lemme know once you get there."

"Oh yeah Jo," Heather sat up on the bed. "I've been meaning to ask you. You know Isaac? Cross?" Jo's shoulders slouched. She lazily nodded her head and continued to write on her paper, feigning disinterest. "He asked me for your number yesterday. I didn't know if I should give it to him or not. But he said he's your anatomy lab partner… Wasn't sure if he was lying or not."

Jo sighed. "He is."

Stephanie gasped and tossed her book to the side, a wide, honest smile on her face. "WHAT?!" She sprung up and nearly ran over to Jo. "He's your lab partner?! When were you gonna tell me?!"

Jo blushed. She really didn't want to tell Stephanie about it, mostly because she knew she'd tease her over it. It wasn't a big deal. They were just paired together yesterday. She got her lab assignment emailed to her last night and admittedly, when she saw that she was paired with Isaac Cross, she wanted to crap her pants. How cruel was the universe? Her totally "random" lab partner assignment just so happened to be the guy that had a creepy crush on her. Surely Isaac was happy. He probably died and went to heaven. Funny that way, how her biggest nightmare was having him as a partner and his biggest dream was having her. She had to see him every Thursday now. What a joke.

"I just found out last night," she admitted to Stephanie. "I'm so not looking forward tomorrow."

"Wait, Cross?" Leah spoke. "Baby face Cross? That Isaac Cross?"

"Dude's been in love with you since like freshman year," Shane mumbled.

"You think I don't know that?" Jo rolled her eyes. "I might ask Dr. Lu to switch me partners. I just don't-"

"Don't want him to cut off a piece of your hair and stick it in some kind of cloning device," Leah mused.

Heather laughed, "Yeah he totally has a picture of your face taped onto a blow up doll… He probably whacks off to your picture."

"Because you know he _loves_ him some Joooooo," Stephanie chimed in, singing the "O".

"Stop it," Jo mumbled. "He's not like that. He's not that weird. I just don't… I don't want him to hit on me. I don't want him to feel bad when I let him down. Remember when he asked me to Snowball last year? Remember?" How could they forget? Every year, one of the sororities on campus, Phi Sigma Sigma, hosted a Snowball dance. It was always totally lame. Nobody ever went to it, as most Ivy League students preferred to study than waste their time at a sorority-sponsored event. It wasn't something that you were really supposed to ask someone to, either. It wasn't like a high school dance where you needed a date. "I thought he was borderline suicidal when I told him I wasn't going."

"You did crush his spirit," Steph snickered. "But still… You better ask for a new lab partner before he kidnaps you and holds you as a sex slave."

"Before you're in a basement and he's lowering down the bucket telling you to put the lotion on your skin or get the hose again," Leah retorted, under her breath.

"You guys are rude." Jo shook her head. _I'm just gonna suck it up… It probably made his day to see that he was paired with me._

She sighed and just returned back to her homework. Sometimes she really hated it when her friends made fun of people like

Isaac. It wasn't that she was holier than thou. She didn't think she was above any of them and she surely wasn't too good to join in on their jokes. Sometimes she would joke too, like with Stephanie and the Pokemon incident. But sometimes the jokes just weren't funny. Maybe it was because she didn't like it when people used to laugh at her and call her weird, she didn't know. What she did know was that she didn't find it funny the way they bullied Isaac at times. At least _she_ wasn't rude to his face.

"I didn't even think to check my email for my lab partner assignment. I didn't even know they were posted yet," Stephanie plopped back down on the floor and scrolled through her phone. She gasped and then squealed upon opening up her email, which of course, caused concern.

"What is it?!" Leah asked.

"Who'd you get?" Heather too.

"You'll never guess! Jo, you'll never guess!" Steph could hardly believe it herself. Jo turned around and raised her eyebrows to let her know she was listening. "Mike… McDonald!"

Leah and Heather both squealed, joining in on Steph's inherent celebration. Stephanie was so lucky! She was lab partners with Mike McDonald! She got to see him and work with him every Friday! Mike McDonald… Most popular guy in the entire university! God, was she lucky.

Jo offered Steph a half-smile as her form of congratulations and just turned back around in her chair. She had homework to do. She had homework and a giant lump forming in the back of her throat.

She swallowed the lump and knocked it down to the pit of her stomach, though.

* * *

 _I don't wanna close my eyes. I don't wanna fall asleep 'cause I'd miss you, babe. And I don't wanna miss a thing. 'Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do I'd still miss you, babe. And I don't wanna miss a thing._

Alex tapped the volume button on his iHome and continued to quietly hum the tune of the song that blared through the speaker. A small pile of unchecked papers sat on the coffee table in front of him, a bottle of water to his left and a red correcting pen in his right hand. So far, checking papers didn't seem that bad. There were a few things that he'd rather be doing but for the most part, it wasn't that horrible.

As the apartment door opened, he sped through the last three questions and scribbled a grade at the top of Henry Beck's paper. He pulled another paper in front of him and looked up to find Lucy strolling through the door.

"Hey," she greeted him. As she usually did, she kicked her shoes off and pulled her jacket off as well. "Wasn't expecting you to be here."

"Lectures got done early today," he explained, turning down his music. "How was work?"

"Great." She walked over to where he sat and put her hands on the hips of her orange scrubs. "Assisted on four deliveries today and fixed a placental abruption. Have you ever seen the inside of a woman's uterus? It's so bloody disgusting and awesome at the same time," she beamed. She looked down and finally tuned into what he was doing. "Did you get your first batch of bitchwork?"

"Something like that," he muttered. He figured getting offended over her insulting his work was pointless. All she'd do was make it seem like he was overreacting anyway. _At least she's not upset over the text message this morning._ He scribbled another grade at the top of the paper and moved on to the next.

"Hey…," Lucy started. "...About this morning… Everything alright?"

Alex looked up and raised his eyebrow. "Yeah? Why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know…" Lucy licked her lips and tilted her head to the side. "Maybe because you didn't say you loved me back? You're not still mad, are you? Because I told you I was sorry for saying what I said."

 _Dammit. Spoke too soon. Err, thought too soon, rather._ He sighed and put his pen down. Sure, she pissed him off this morning. When she implied that this apartment was more hers than it was his just because she paid his portion of the rent last month. When she implied that she was more of a man than he was. When she implied that he was selfish and immature and not ready for a commitment. All because he told her that he "didn't know" if and when he planned on popping the question. Sure it pissed him off this morning. But was he still mad? Of course he wasn't! Gosh, how could he have "forgotten" to say "I love you too" after she said all that to him?

"I was in a hurry," he lied. "My fault."

Lucy nodded her head and accepted his answer. She sighed. "...I'll order a pizza for dinner." She took her hands off her hips finally and walked towards their bedroom door.

Alex closed his eyes, took a breath and re-focused his concentration on the paper he was supposed to be grading. He just didn't have the time or energy to argue with Lucy anymore. Most of the time, he found that he just let her win simply because it was easier.

He picked up his pen and scribbled the first and only "20/20, 100%" at the top of the paper. He glanced at the name. _Jo Wilson._

 _Well at least "Jo Wilson" seems to care about his grades. Everyone else is just lazy, getting 10/20 on this easy assignment._

He took Jo Wilson's paper and set it aside since he finally had a perfect paper to use as his key.


	4. Nobody Knows

**A/N:** Important Jo information in this chapter, guys! And finally, she and Alex meet!

* * *

Almost three minutes late and in a sure hurry, Jo walked briskly down the hallway of the Nursing and Health Sciences building, yanking a black elastic ponytail holder off her left wrist. She overslept. For the first time since sophomore year, she hit the "snooze" button and figured that after a long day of Wednesday classes yesterday and not having to be up until 11:00 A.M. for her lab, she deserved an extra five minutes of sleep. But somehow, an extra five minutes turned into an extra twenty minutes and before she knew it, it was 10:34, she wasn't dressed, she was a ten minute walk away from the building and she was going to be late.

Her lab didn't start until 11:00, so when she wandered into the spacious room at 11:03, she wasn't terribly late, but she also wasn't surprised when she saw that all the seats at the lab benches were filled up except for one. Embarrassed, she hurried to the back row and dumped her backpack on the floor without even so much as looking in her lab partner's direction. She was much too flustered from being late to deal with him at the moment.

 _Late on the first day._ Since she felt the coolness of the air spewing from the vents above her head beating down on her lower back, she reached behind herself and pulled her pink and purple t-shirt down over her exposed skin. She didn't match today. She didn't have time to match. She grabbed a pink and purple Princeton Tigers Cheerleaders t-shirt from Stephanie's clean clothes basket and a pair of dark, navy blue sweatpants from her own. She was thankful that it was the first day of lab too, because she hadn't the time to wear proper shoes. Appropriate lab attire constituted as long sleeved t-shirts, long pants and no open-toed or loose shoes. If it was an active lab day, she surely would've been sent back to her dorm for the pair of furry brown Moccasins she chose to stuff her feet into.

"Perhaps punctuality should be added to the syllabus," the Asian professor's accent was thick, but he was very clear in what he said and the way he looked directly at Jo when he said it made her want to shrink. She felt her cheeks redden and she looked down at the wooden lab bench. "Dr. Zheng Lu," he spoke louder and more clearly. "Welcome to my anatomy and physiology lab."

Once the embarrassment wore off, Jo sat up a little straighter and reached back to tie her hair, which was messy and wavy, up into a messy bun that sagged almost to the middle of her back since the weight of her hair weighed it down. She leaned to the side so she could reach down on the ground and grab her lab notebook and her reference atlas from her backpack.

When she bent over, her t-shirt rose up just slightly around her waist and revealed two deep back dimples, a sight that inevitably drew the nervous yet excited blond boy's attention. Isaac's glassy blue eyes inherently fell on Jo's waist and for a moment, he found himself lost. God, was she beautiful. In everything she wore, too. Even in a bun, her hair fell to the middle of her back. He bet her hair was silky. He thought about pretending like he was picking a piece of lint from it just to have an excuse to touch it. The skin on her lower back was a pale, creamy white color with specks of brown sprinkled about, and she had the dimples in her back. He bet her skin was soft. He gave her a hug once. On move out day last year, he hugged her and he felt her hands when she wrapped them around his torso. Granted, he didn't feel them skin to skin but still, they were soft. Her hands were soft.

She was amazing. The way she always smelled as if she stepped out of a steaming hot shower, the way her long eyelashes brushed against the lens of her reading glasses when she had to wear them and the way her lips always looked so soft and never chapped. He thought she was the most beautiful woman he ever laid his eyes on. Everything she did was just magical. From the way she walked to the way she talked to the way her nose would whistle sometimes when she breathed. She was inhuman. Or at least, she had to be.

Once she gathered her notebook and her atlas, Jo sat upright on the swivel stool, which forced Isaac's eyes off of her. Isaac reluctantly peeled his eyes off Jo's waist and brought them up to her face, which ultimately, turned out to be better than the little bit of skin he could see on her waist. She didn't look at him though. She looked straight ahead at the overhead projector and pretended to be interested in what Dr. Lu was saying.

Isaac studied her though. He studied the way her shoulders moved up and down in rhythmic patterns when she inhaled and exhaled. He studied the way her lips parted when she was sitting dormant and the way she seemed to blink no more than four times a minute. Her fingernails weren't polished. He noticed that. She hardly ever wore fingernail polish. But they were clean. They were long and unpainted but so clean it appeared as if she had just washed her hands. He wondered if she would ever notice.

"Did you bring your syllabus?" Jo cleared her throat, which was still groggy with sleep-induced phlegm, and spoke up.

She figured she should just be nice. She would much rather be paired with anyone in this room for lab but she wasn't. She got stuck with Isaac and she figured she might as well make the best of it. Isaac, on the other hand, was surprised. Was she really talking to him? He was speechless. He didn't know what to say. He knew what he wanted to say, but somehow all the words jumbled in his brain and wouldn't allow his tongue to spit them out. Why did she do that to him? She was just a girl. She was a beautiful girl, but nonetheless, she was a girl. Why did his brain always turn to mush every time she spoke to him?

"Y-yeah," he stammered, nodding his head as he spoke. "Do you need to look at it?" he pulled it from his binder and handed it directly to her with no further questions. "Here you go."

"Thank you." Jo flipped to the second page and skimmed over the course content. In her haste, she of course forgot to print her syllabus out and bring it to class. This week just wasn't her week.

"Are you...excited? About this semester?" Isaac asked. Internally, he was cringing. Was that the best he could do? He knew he was being weird. But he just wanted to talk to her. That's all he wanted.

"Mhm," Jo nodded her head and handed his syllabus back. "It's the last semester before graduation. Aren't you excited?"

"Well uh yeah, but… I haven't really… You know… Decided where to go to med school yet."

"That's okay. You still have time."

"Where are you thinking about going?"

Jo hesitated. She didn't know if she should tell him the places she was considering. What if he got the idea to follow her? That would be the last thing she needed.

"I was looking at schools in Massachusetts and Pennsylvania," she answered. She just wouldn't tell him exactly where. He didn't need to know that she was desperately trying to get into Harvard Medical, falling back on Johns Hopkins if that didn't go as planned, and using the University of Pennsylvania if all else failed.

"Where at in Pennsylvania?" Isaac sat up, more attentive than ever. He wanted to be calm and cool about it, but he couldn't hide his eagerness. He couldn't disguise the fact that he was excited to know which school in Pennsylvania Jo was considering, because he too was thinking about schools in Pennsylvania. How perfect would that be? If Jo was considering the same school as he was? "Because I was looking at UPSOM and that seems doable," he elaborated. "Were you thinking UPSOM too?"

"UPSOM's good," Jo nodded her head, ignoring the second part of his sentence. It wasn't something that she was proud of, but she was pretty good at deflecting Isaac's questions and his passes. She took pride in the fact that she didn't hurt his feelings though. She tried hard to be nice and keep from hurting his feelings. "I hear Pittsburgh's program is really good. It's in the top 20. I hear they're good for biomedical research if that's what you're after."

"Yeah, number 16. I was really thinking about it, but I don't know." Isaac sighed and looked to the front of the classroom at the whiteboard the professor was now busily scribbling on.

As good as Jo was at kindly rejecting him, he was equally as good at picking up on her refusals. He didn't think he should push her or pry. Jo was a pretty private person, which was something he knew. He tried to make it a point to learn everything he could about her just through his observations. He sat beside her in freshman year general biology and that was when he noticed that she was not only smart, but brilliant. Sophomore year, he sat beside her in Organic Chemistry and that's when he learned that she hates all things Chemistry related but excels at the mathematical components of it. Just last year as a junior, when he sat beside her in Genetics and Immunology, he learned that she's allergic to sheepskin and she has a bad temper that she could've inherited from either her mother or her father's gene pool. He didn't learn about how private she was just by sitting next to her in classes though. He learned about how private she was through a totally different situation altogether, but he wouldn't relive that. Not whenever she asked him not to.

 **x x x**

Reluctantly, Jo removed her hand from the pocket of her sweatpants where it was warm, and brought it out into the bitterly cold air. She lazily tapped her student ID card against the sensor, listened for the buzzer to beep and waited to hear the sound of the door's lock being unlatched. Sighing, she pulled the door open and let it slam behind herself as she banked a left turn down a long hallway. _I really need to start wearing a coat._ Still freezing, she stood in front of the radiator at the end of the hallway for a few moments until she felt her hands, cheeks and ears unthaw.

She was tired, which was an understatement. It was more like exhausted, drained and completely lifeless. It was the first day of lab. She wasn't expecting to do much of anything but of course, Princeton University professors proved her wrong once again. She was expecting to walk into lab, listen to the professor go over the syllabus and finally be sent on her way. She couldn't have been further from the truth. Sure enough, Dr. Lu to find some way to make his students stay the entire two hours, even on the first day. After sitting for two hours in a stool that made her back ache and listening to a monotonous voice read an entire chapter from the anatomy atlas, Jo wanted nothing more than to collapse onto her bed and take a three hour nap.

So she mustered up a little bit of energy and somehow managed to climb the small flight of steps that led up to the second floor, the floor she and Steph lived on. She pulled her lanyard from her pocket and fumbled amongst her mailbox key, her USB drive and the black and orange pawprint charm that Heather gave her for her birthday last year. She found her room key and shoved it into the lock, turning it and giving the door a hard shove.

As soon as she stepped in though, she stumbled and tripped over a few pairs of shoes that were scattered in front of the door. Her eyebrows wrinkled and irritation running rampant now, she looked down at the floor and kicked the shoes to the side. She recognized Stephanie's UGG boots, Leah's blue and gray converse sneakers and Shane's Nikes. There was a fourth pair of shoes too, shoes that she didn't recognize, but she figured they belonged to Heather. Heather didn't come over frequently enough for her to recognize the kinds of shoes she wore, but she figured the other pair of Nike sneakers were probably hers. After all, she was the only other person Stephanie really associated with.

Jo closed her eyes, gritted her teeth and threw her head up to the ceiling. _She could at least tell me when she's going to invite people over._ She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down before she had to deal with people. She knew that her irritation didn't exactly stem from the fact that Stephanie invited Shane, Heather and Leah over. Shane and Leah came over quite often. Heather not so much, but still. Her irritation came from the fact that she wanted nothing more than to come home, take off the clothes that were freezing cold and soaked from the falling snow outside, and take a nap. She doubted that would even be possible now because without a doubt, Shane, Heather and Leah were piled up in her and Stephanie's room, probably talking loudly and laughing about something completely pointless. That was one of the very few things Jo actually disliked about living with Stephanie.

Like Steph, she also didn't have many complaints about her roommate. She didn't care that Stephanie was somewhat of a slob that would leave dirty clothes and dishes strung across the dorm, because she was too. She never mentioned just how much Steph's curly black hair shed, because she was guilty of shedding her hair too. There weren't many things she disliked about living with Stephanie. But one of the things she did find herself despising was the way Steph constantly felt the need to invite people over. She wasn't big on that. Jo didn't mind sitting alone for a while and being by herself, but that seemed to be something Steph wasn't able to handle. She had to be in constant company, and because she and Jo shared their suite, she had to deal with that too. It never bothered her enough to say anything about it, though. Most of the time she was able to suck it up and deal with it. She'd go in the living room to study if she couldn't concentrate around everyone else, but most of the time they weren't too loud.

Today though, it annoyed her more than usual. She kicked her moccasins off next to the rest of the shoes, threw her backpack down next to the door and stomped to the kitchen. From the bedroom, music played and the sounds of hysterical laughter and meaningless conversations were loud. Trying to keep a handle on her irritability, Jo snatched a bottle of water from the refrigerator and walked hastily through the zebra print curtains that separated her and Stephanie's bedroom from the kitchen and living room.

She froze, though. Just as se expected, Stephanie was in their room with company. She was sitting on the edge of her bed with her steaming hot hair straightener in her hand. Sitting on the floor, between Steph's legs, Leah was sitting with her head down and allowing Steph to run the straightener over her long, blonde hair. Shane was sitting at Steph's desk with all his attention on his phone, which happened to be the one hooked up to the iHome that was playing the music. And the fourth person sat comfortably, right in the middle of her bed. His head bobbed to the music, his thumbs scrolled across his touch screen cell phone and he looked as if he belonged.

Her stomach hurt. Her mouth was bone-dry, her jaw completely unhinged and her eyes wide. She felt vomit brewing in the pit of her stomach. What was he doing here?

"Hey Jo," Steph looked up for a moment to greet her before going back to focusing on Leah's hair. She picked up the flat iron and ran it over a long strand, not even thinking to mention the third person that just so happened to be sitting on HER bed.

What was she supposed to do? She wanted to turn around and opt to sit in the living room instead. She wanted to take her bottle of water and her cell phone and sit down in the living room until everyone was gone, no matter how long it took. She'd sit in there for hours if she needed to. But she couldn't. She couldn't just turn around and sit in the living room without at least saying hi to everyone. Not whenever she couldn't offer an explanation without even so much as throwing up. She could see it now. She'd turn around, walk aimlessly back to the living room and sit down. And Steph, confused and convinced that something was wrong with her roommate, would follow her and sit next to her and demand she tell her what's wrong. And of course, Jo would have to tell her. Because she was good at lying, she was. She was great at it, even. But something about lying to Steph never did sit well with her.

"How was lab?" Steph asked, dragging Jo out of her thoughts and bringing her crashing back down to reality. Jo swallowed a lump in the back of her throat and looked at Steph, eyes glistening with tears. The look on Steph's face said it all. She was waiting for a response.

"It was fine," she said in a single decibel above a whisper.

Her eyes couldn't help but make their way back to him. It was like he was a magnet and her eyes couldn't help but be drawn to him. She stared at him and tried to make sense of why he'd be sitting there. Why would he be on her bed? Why, with eyes as blue as the ice cold blood that ran through his veins, was he in her bedroom, staring at her? Her stomach churned.

"How was Isaac?" Steph asked another question.

"He was fine too."

Stephanie wrinkled her brows. Jo seemed distracted, and she didn't know why. She knew that if she asked though, Jo would never answer. So she shrugged it off and went along with it. "Did you talk to him?"

"Of course."

"Did he faint?" Shane asked this time.

"No," she subtly shook her head when she answered, willing her eyes to stay away from her bed.

She could feel herself descending from being calm and collected into being a real case, but she couldn't help it. Her palms were beginning to drip sweat and she felt dizzy. It was almost as if the room was spinning and she was losing consciousness. She needed to sit down. But she couldn't sit on her bed. She was going to faint if she didn't sit down. But he was on her bed.

"Ooh," Leah spoke up and began to tease her. Admittedly, Jo wasn't entirely sure what the topic of conversation even was anymore but she pretended to listen anyway. "Either Isaac's crush is wearing off or Jo's finally starting to return the feelings. Which one is it?"

Jo shook her head again, and in order to keep herself from passing out and ending up laying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, she took an unsteady step towards her bed and rested her hand against the wall for support. He looked up at her, smirked, and then went back to looking at his phone as if she was a stranger to him. She sat down on the edge, as far away from him as she possibly could be. She knew she could tell him to get up if she wanted to. She could tell him to get the hell off her bed and sit on the floor for all she cared, but the words weren't there. The words were gone and she truly thought that if she opened her mouth to speak a word, a scream would come out. Either a scream or putrid yellow vomit, whichever came first.

"Hey Jo," he mumbled to her, the tone of his voice sounding as if it was a slight inconvenience to speak to her.

She wasn't sure, but she could've sworn that she heard a hint of amusement laced in his voice. It was as if he found something humorous in the way she couldn't speak. Nobody else in the room could tell. Nobody else knew that her stomach was doing backflips, her heart was beating a thousand times a minute and her hands were so sweaty that she had to wipe them on her pants. Nobody else in the room could tell that she was so pale that she was almost translucent. Nobody else in the room could tell that she was sick. But he could. He knew she wanted to throw up. And he was taunting her with it.

Once she was done straightening the last piece of Leah's hair, Stephanie looked over at Jo and raised her eyebrows. With just one look, she knew something was wrong with her. After living with Jo for four years, she began to pick up on her cues. She knew when Jo was overly quiet, she was pissed off about something. She knew when she was trying too hard to be happy, she was most likely sad. And she knew when she deflected a question, it was something she seriously didn't want to talk about. She knew Jo. She knew her best friend. But this look wasn't something she's ever seen before.

"Jo?" she called her name. Jo snapped out of it again and looked up at Steph, confusion written clear across her face. "You alright? Everything okay?"

"I'm fine," she whispered and began picking at the label on her bottle of water.

Steph sucked her teeth and sighed. She knew she was lying, but even more than that, she knew that pushing Jo wasn't something that would end well. She wanted to know exactly what was wrong, and she wanted Jo to talk to her about whatever it was that was bothering her, but she knew that she shouldn't push it. She had a million theories in her head. Maybe Jo just wasn't feeling well. That made sense. After all, she did hit the snooze button this morning, which was something she had never even seen Jo do. So that was probably it. Either she didn't feel well or she was upset that she didn't ask her if she could invite Leah, Shane and Mike over. That could've been it too. She probably should have mentioned that she invited them over, but she thought that they'd be gone by the time Jo came back. All they were doing was working on the lab proposal that was assigned to them yesterday. It wasn't supposed to take them long, but then Leah wanted her hair straightened and they started talking and eventually it turned into two hours. Whichever it was, she didn't know. But Jo said she was fine, so maybe she really was. She shrugged her shoulders, took Jo's word for it and turned around to face Shane.

"Did you save the proposal on your flashdrive, Shane? Because Mike and I were just going to go to the library print it when we go down to the café."

"Yeah," Shane nodded his head and handed Stephanie his little black USB memory stick. "I saved it under Ross, Edwards, Murphy and McDonald."

"Okay." She unplugged her hair straightener and stood up. She looked at Jo and tilted her head, noticing that she didn't seem to be paying much attention. She figured she should ask anyway, though. "We were gonna head down to the café for lunch if you wanted to come with us..."

Jo shook her head and from the corner of her eye, she looked at Mike. He was grinning, laughing at something that he saw on his phone and she looked away. She closed her eyes and pursed her lips together once he started to get up off her bed.

She was hungry before she came home. As she was walking back up to her dorm from her lab, she told herself that she was going to eat something before her nap. She was starving. But now, she had no appetite. And even if she did, she wasn't about to go sit in a cafeteria with them. She'd rather starve. She just couldn't wait for them to leave so she could resume with her original plan of taking a nap.

Sleep was what she needed at this point.

* * *

"There are a total of four types of Neuroglia in the Central Nervous System," Dr. Leeds spoke clearly into the microphone attached to the podium he was standing in front of.

For the first time since the first day of class on Monday, he was actually dressed nicely, and Alex wondered why. Usually on Fridays people dressed down. Typical Friday attire was the baggy jeans and button-down t-shirts that Leeds usually wore every day. But today was Friday, and he was wearing a pair of tan khakis and a black sweater. When he walked into the auditorium this morning and saw his boss dressed nicer than usual, Alex was confused. He thought that maybe he was a shade under dressed in his jeans and long sleeved t-shirt, but Leeds didn't seem to mind. He was a pretty easy-going man and for that reason, Alex felt lucky. He heard horror stories from his friend Jackson, who was also a TA this semester. Apparently Jackson got assigned to one of the strictest professors in the university and he wasn't even allowed to show up in casual clothes. At least Leeds didn't really care what he wore.

Alex looked down at the watch on his wrist and sighed. Class ran from 9:00 to 9:50, and he was a little disappointed to find that it was only 9:40. Sure ten minutes left was a blessing, but he swore that there was ten minutes left when he checked ten minutes ago. He sighed. All he had to do was get through this class and he was home free for the weekend. Of course the class was dragging though. Bored with listening to Dr. Leeds lecture about stuff that he, of course, already knew, he looked at the stack of homework assignments that he graded on Wednesday night and slouched. He had to hand them back at the end of the class and talk to the three students that got the highest grades on the assignment. Leeds was making him ask the kids if they would consider being peer tutors, because everyone else in the class got lower than 15/20 on the assignment and that just wasn't good enough.

"Astrocytes help regulate the extracellular composition of brain fluid, Ependymal cells secret cerebrospinal fluid…they also move the fluid along the brain and spinal cord. There are also Microglia, which are phagocytic cells…just like the cells we looked at on Wednesday. Oligodendrocytes are the Neuroglia that form parts of the myelin sheaths…the ones that belong to the axons." Leeds cleared his throat and looked at his own watch. "And that seems like a pretty good place for us to end the week."

As soon as the last syllable left his mouth, every student in the auditorium began to put their notebooks and pencils away. Alex stood up from the swivel chair he spent the entire class period sitting in and picked up the stack of papers.

"Before you leave, stop down here past Alex and pick up your graded assignments. You'll find them very helpful to study for your first exam from. If you neglect to take yours with you, I won't hesitate to give you a zero for the assignment. So make sure you grab them," Dr. Leeds said into the microphone before turning it and the overhead projector off.

In a neat, orderly fashion, the students filed to the front of the room and as they passed, they spat their names out and took their assignments from Alex, most of them feeling the disappointment when they saw the grade plastered at the top in red ink. Once he reached the bottom of the pile, only three students were left standing around waiting to be handed their papers back. Just to be thorough, he double-checked the names on the top of the papers and the grades too. One 20/20, one 18/20 and one 17/20. The auditorium was silent now, as the last few students that weren't included in the three highest, wandered out and went about their days.

Alex cleared his throat and looked at the names at the tops of the papers again, just to make sure they matched what he was expecting. Thomas Anderson, Phillip Varner and Jo Wilson. He was expecting three boys to be standing in front of him. Clearly Thomas, Phillip and Jo were boy names, right? So why were there two boys and one girl standing in front of him?

"Thomas?" he asked.

A tall, lanky kid with black hair and red glasses on his face held his hand out and took the paper with the 17/20 on it from him.

"Phillip?"

A bigger kid with curly red hair took the paper with the 18/20 on it and sighed when he saw the grade.

"And you must be Jo," he handed the girl the only perfect paper and she nodded at him when she took it.

At her, Alex couldn't help but grin slightly. She looked so out of place. Thomas had to have been about six feet tall, maybe more. Phillip had to have weighed about 300 pounds, maybe more. But she stood at a dainty five-foot five or five-foot six, and she couldn't have weighed any more than a hundred and twenty pounds. She was tiny and her brunette hair was tied back in a messy ponytail and she looked as if she could care less about what she looked like as she wore a pair of baggy sweatpants and an over-sized t-shirt.

He cleared his throat again and began to talk. "You guys are probably wondering why you had to stay after. You're not in trouble or anything. You guys-," he caught himself and retracted. "And girl—just got the highest grades on the assignment and I'm supposed to talk to you about maybe becoming peer tutors," he explained. "Uh…so next Monday, Dr. Leeds plans on giving the assignment out again to be corrected since there were so many low scores. And Monday night, down in the Academic Success Center, I'll be holding a…like a study session for those who need help maximizing their grades. If you guys would like to come down there and help me out…you know, just basically helping your classmates study and whatnot…" _Yeah right. They couldn't look any more disinterested._ "If you're interested, just fill out this form and bring it back to class on Monday. I'll talk to you about it after class on Monday if you're interested."

"Do we get paid? Like the other peer tutors?" Thomas asked.

"Yeah," Alex nodded. "You'll get paid university standard for the length of the time you're there. So yeah…just let me know if you guys are interested. I'll see you Monday if you are."


	5. 21 Questions

**A/N:** This is a funny, rather lighthearted chapter. Important ideas of friendship here. Pay attention to how deep the friendship between Jo and Steph here is, and how they can talk about literally anything. They really are best friends. Everything here will come into play later down the line.

 **A real little bit of M rated language here, but it's humorous.**

* * *

Washed up 80s music blared from an old-fashioned jukebox in the corner, the scent of alcohol laced with fried chicken wings filled his nostrils, and so many side conversations were going on that they all ran together until they sounded like a low, drowned-out hum. Inside the four walls he was sitting between was loud, but inside his head it was quiet. For the first time all day, he had a moment to himself to think. He had a moment where he was alone with his thoughts. He never thought it would come as he was sitting on a hard, leather bar stool, but he was grateful for it anyway.

The lights were so dim that if he didn't know any better, he'd have thought that it was at least 10:00 at night. But he knew better. He knew better than to think that, and though it seemed as if he had been there for hours, he knew that no more than 45 minutes had passed. 45 minutes was already too long, though. He knew that he should get up, pay his dues to the tender and be on his way home. His back was aching sure, but he couldn't bring himself to stand up. Standing up meant grabbing his keys, and grabbing his keys meant getting in the car, and getting in the car meant going home and going home meant being miserable. After knocking out an eight hour shift at work, most people would want nothing more than to go home and recover from the day. But not him. Going home, even after the day he had, seemed more like a punishment more than a reward.

For the third time in less than ten minutes, the back pocket of Alex's jeans vibrated so violently that the entire stool he sat on shook. Part of him knew that if he didn't answer this time, it would only be a matter of moments before his phone buzzed again but for some internal reason, he just shrugged it off and wrapped his hand around the frosty glass mug that sat on the counter in front of him.

As he tilted the glass up to his lips to take a sip of the ice cold beer inside the mug, he could feel a pair of eyes on him; a pair of eyes that incidentally let him know that his phone didn't go unnoticed. He swallowed the mouthful of beer and wiped his mouth with the back of palm, trailing his eyes to the side. Of course Jackson had something to say. He always did. It wouldn't be Jackson if he didn't have some kind of quick, smart-assed remark.

Most of the time, Jackson's constant snide comments were what made him and Alex get along. In fact, it was a snarky comment that made him and Alex link up during their first year of med school, and the two had been best friends ever since. But sometimes, like now for example, Alex really hated how his best friend always had a quip. He hated how he always had something to add to every situation. It was a quality that he himself had possessed, but for some reason, it always annoyed him more when he saw it in someone else. It was something that could make him either really get along with a person for the sake of being so alike. Or, it was the type of thing that could make him clash with a person for the sake of being so alike.

"What?" Alex asked, swallowing a belch that rose up in the back of his throat.

Something told him that he was going to regret asking Jackson to clarify what he meant by the sarcastic look he gave him, but it would've bothered him more if he never asked and just let it go. He had been friends with him long enough to know that all his looks meant something, even if he couldn't decode them right away. He was usually pretty good at deciphering what Jackson's looks meant, but he was lost at the moment. This wasn't a look he'd seen often enough to attach meaning to it.

Sitting on the stool beside the one that Alex was perched on, Jackson shook his head and allowed a half-smile to ravage his face. "You should probably answer that," he chuckled, still shaking his head. Alex narrowed his eyes at his friend, silently asking him once again to clarify. "Your phone...it's been going off like crazy."

Alex sighed and for a brief moment, allowed embarrassment to flush through his body. It was short-lived, though. If anyone knew how Lucy could be, it was Jackson. Funny that way, how Jackson knew, even without looking, exactly who it was that was blowing up his phone. It was always her.

"Yeah well…," Alex mumbled under his breath, swishing the beer around in his glass before picking it up to take another sip. "I'm already in trouble anyway. Might as well make the most of it."

"How'd she even know you're here? You didn't tell her you were coming down here after work, did you?"

Alex shook his head, swallowing a gulp. "She knows I'm not home, though. She got off like half an hour ago and if I'm not home, she automatically assumes I'm with you."

"What're you gonna tell her? When you do go home?" Jackson wondered aloud, drumming his fingers along the cool marble surface. "You gonna tell her you came down here with me for a drink or something else?"

"Probably just gonna say I got stuck setting up my office," Alex shrugged his shoulders.

He knew the key to telling a good lie to Lucy was to use details that he already mentioned. He told her this morning before he left that he was getting his office today, and he did. Granted, his office was just a tiny little cubicle in the basement of the Academic Success Building that didn't require much setup, but still, he figured he could use that to his advantage. It wasn't like she'd ever see his office to know that he was lying about having to set it up. In reality, it only took him about ten minutes to set it up. He put a few pens in the desktop cup, a stack of filing paper, a package of folders and notecards all in the drawers, a calendar on the corkboard and his schedule on the whiteboard. It took him all of ten minutes and he was soon on his way, but Lucy didn't know that. For all she knew, he had to do more than what he did.

"It's a shame you've gotta lie to your girl just to come down to The Grease Monkey for a brew after work," Jackson said.

Alex fumbled with the handle on the red ceramic ashtray next to his mug and mindlessly let his foot tap along to the song that played on the jukebox. Jackson was right, that much he knew. But he didn't feel like discussing his relationship right now. That was the last thing he wanted to do. He flicked a stray ash that seemed to have missed the tray and lifted his head up.

"Speaking of girls…," he mumbled. "What's up with you and that one? You still with her? What was her name? Briana? Something like that."

"Breanne," Jackson licked his lips and looked down, the same way Alex had done when he wanted to deflect a topic. "Yeah, she was a one and done."

Alex raised his eyebrows and smirked, silently asking for details but not at all expecting them. He wasn't expecting Jackson to spill his guts and give him all the dirty details on what happened between him and his "one and done", but he figured asking with a look wouldn't hurt anyway. He and Jackson weren't the kind of friends that sat around and talked about the women they've slept with. Occasionally, they would spill if they had a really good experience to talk about, but sex wasn't exactly what they harped on. They talked about girls, but hardly ever about the stuff they did with the girls. None of that ever seemed real important.

Jackson read his friend's face and pursed his lips into a hard line, willing himself to stay silent. But internally, he was bursting. The things he wanted to say we're jumping on his tongue and begging to be let loose. It had been two weeks since the last time he and Alex had hung out. They had both been busy with starting their clerkship projects lately, so they didn't have as much time to hang out as they used to, but they were hanging out now. And so many things had happened since the last time he had hung out with his best friend. He sighed and finally gave in.

"She wouldn't…," his voice trailed off, and Alex could tell that he was thinking of a way to word what he wanted to say. It was going to be good. He knew that just by the way Jackson was struggling. "She wouldn't… She refused. She said it wasn't something she did."

"She wouldn't go down?" Alex asked, his voice laced with disbelief and secondhand embarrassment. "She serious? What is she? A high schooler?"

"I know!" Jackson replied, his own irritation resurfacing and shining through. "I tried to not let that be a deal breaker but… I mean who doesn't go down on a guy?!"

"Well I mean, if it wasn't something she was comfortable with…"

"Don't give me that," Jackson held his hand up to stop Alex before he could go any further. "Don't act like that wouldn't have been a deal breaker for you before you got with Cruella Deville. You'd be in my same situation if you weren't tied down." With that, Alex didn't argue. Being with Lucy, his first serious relationship since senior year of high school, did change him and he wouldn't deny that. Before he got with Lucy, he was just as bad, if not worse, than Jackson was. "I wasn't gonna pressure her into anything. If she wasn't comfortable with it, that was fine. But she kind of… Acted like the whole idea of sex crept her out so I wasn't going to force her into anything. We did it once and that was it."

"And what was that like?" Alex asked. "Obviously it wasn't all that good if you were able to just drop it like that, but… Was it good? At least?"

"It was alright," Jackson shrugged and answered as honestly as possible. "I've had better but it wasn't the worst I've had either. Wasn't top five but wasn't bottom five either. It was in the middle. I did all the work. She wasn't comfortable with on top."

"What did you, take her virginity?"

"She said she wasn't one, but was starting to feel that way." Jackson nodded his head and turned his can of Coors Light up to his mouth. "Doesn't matter though, because Breanne's history and I'm on to the next one."

Alex's eyebrows raised again, this time involuntarily. "Oh? Already?"

"I got with her right after I ended things with Bree, so I've been messing with her for almost like three weeks now."

"Yeah? What's her name? She hot? I know her?"

"You probably don't know her. She goes to Rutgers too but I met her in my Psych workshop. You know how I thought I was the only one that signed on to do that project with those Psych patients? Because pretty much everybody else signed on to do what you did for your final project? Everyone else decided to be a TA?" Alex nodded his head and listened. "Yeah well apparently she signed up to do the Psych thing as her project too and I met her there. Her name's April."

"April…," Alex tested the name out to feel the way it rolled off his tongue and wrinkled his nose when it didn't feel or sound right. "There's no such thing as a sexy April. What's she look like?"

"She's like… 5'6, 5'7. Brownish reddish hair, green eyes…" Jackson explained as best as he could. "I think she's hot."

Alex cringed. "She's a ginger? Come on dude… There are no hot gingers…." He shook his head. "You got a picture of her?"

"Gimme a minute," Jackson muttered, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He opened up his Facebook app and waited for it to load. "What about your thing? You started it this week, didn't you? How's it going?"

"It's cool," Alex nodded. "I'm studying under the most chill professor, which is cool. I've been talking to a few others that did the TA as their project and they all've been telling me that their professors are hard asses. Mine's pretty cool. He's a Histology professor though. I was hoping for like… some kind of Chem or Ethics… Or a lab, even. I didn't want a Biology. But whatever. He's pretty chill anyway."

"So what do you do? You basically just sit around and grade papers? Is it easy?"

"So far, yeah. So far all I've had to do is grade here and there, but on Monday I have to host this tutoring thing. That's basically it so far."

"Any hot chicks?" Jackson asked, of course. The way the question rolled off his tongue so effortlessly, it almost seemed as if he wanted to ask that from the start. Alex chuckled and shook his head as a sign of disapproval. "What?! You're tied down but that doesn't mean you can't look. And I know you've looked. Any hot ones?"

"College girls?" Alex asked, his voice heightening. "No thanks."

"Oh come on, college girls!" Jackson nudged him with his elbow. "College girls are young and they're wild and they're tight. You remember some of the chicks from college, don't you? College chicks are wild. Don't tell me you haven't seen at least one hot one."

"I haven't really been looking," Alex admitted. "I've only been there for two days. Today and Wednesday were my two days. I haven't been looking."

Jackson just shook his head. "Cruella really does have you tied down. You don't even _look_ at other chicks anymore."

"It's not her." Alex slid his now empty mug across the counter and messed with a hangnail on his thumb. "I've just been too busy to look, really. Wednesday I had to give this stupid presentation and collect papers. And today I had to hand papers back and stuff. So I haven't really been looking. I'll look Monday and let you know though, alright?"

"Alright." Jackson tapped on a profile on his phone and slid it across the counter towards Alex. "There. That's her."

Alex picked up the phone and gave his eyes a moment to adjust. He stared at the profile picture that was on the screen in front of him and wrinkled his brows as he studied the girl's features. _She's not that all bad looking_ , he thought to himself. He scrolled to the left and came across a picture of the tiny, pale-skinned redhead wearing a black mini dress. His eyebrows raised.

"She ain't bad," he admitted and handed Jackson back his phone. "She ain't bad at all. She's definitely one of the prettiest gingers I've ever seen."

"I told you she's hot." Jackson locked his phone and stuffed it back into his pocket. "She's funny too, you know? She's real funny. And she's smart. And she's cool. Like with everything. She's just real calm and cool about everything. I think I like her."

"You mean like her, like her? Or just _like_ her?"I

"Like her, like her," Jackson shrugged his shoulders and brushed his thumb along the wet condensation on the outside of his beer can. "Think I might ask her out."

"Whoa," Alex laughed, covering his mouth to avoid spitting beer all over the place. "You're making fun of me for being tied down but you're thinking about tying yourself down? What's up with that?"

"It's not… April's just…" Jackson sucked his teeth. There really was no way to explain it to Alex without sounding like a total and complete sap. "She's different, alright? She's different."

"You're whipped." Alex shook his head and continued to laugh with his lips together, the sound that came out crossed between a snicker and a chuckle. "You're so whipped."

"And so are you!"

"Me?" Alex pointed to himself and shook his head. "I'm not whipped."

"Why don't you check your phone?" Jackson mumbled, tossing the wrapper to a straw across the bar and hitting Alex in the elbow with it. "Before she cuts your balls off and hands 'em to you when you walk through the door."

"You're just mad because you're whipped and I'm not." Still laughing, Alex slipped his phone back out of his pocket and unlocked it. He would never admit it to himself, much less to Jackson, but he was a little bit nervous about going home after having ignored Lucy for so long. At this point, going home would never be a good thing. He sighed and tapped on the green "messages" app.

 **Friday, January 15, 2016**

 **7:15 p.m.**

 **iMessage**

 **Lucy** : where are you?

 **7:27 p.m.**

 **Lucy** : Are you staying late? Pizza for dinner if that's ok

 **7:35 p.m.**

 **Lucy** : You could at least txt me back Alex damn

 **7:49 p.m.**

 **Lucy** : Doesn't campus close 8?! You should have been home by now

Alex sighed for the billionth time of the night, stuffed his phone back into his pocket and took the last sip from his beer. He figured going home now was as good a time as any. At this point, it didn't matter if he came home an hour late or three hours late. It was going to be an argument no matter what. _Might as well get it over with_ , he thought.

"I gotta run, Jax," he mumbled and slid a $20 bill underneath his mug to pay for the two beers he drank, plus tip. "I'll hit you up later...let you know when we can do this again."

"Alright," Jackson nodded his head just once and glanced at the watch on his wrist. He was about ready to leave too. "Take care, man."

* * *

With her fluffy pink and white towel rolled and tucked neatly underneath her armpit, Jo carefully stepped out of the shower and onto the cold linoleum bathroom floor. She reached back and yanked her hair out of the messy, sloppy bun she tied it up in and sent it tumbling all down her soaking wet back. She pulled the bathroom door open and tiptoed back to her and Steph's bedroom. She didn't want to admit it, but she was sure that she overdid it down at the gym just a little. She was feeling it in her calves, mostly.

She walked slowly over to her bed and sat down on it, picking up her phone immediately and clutching her towel close to her body. Sitting on her own bed and still dressed in the lime green sports bra and spandex leggings that she wore to the gym, Steph looked up from her phone and over at Jo.

"Save any hot water for me?" she asked.

"I didn't use it all," Jo promised and locked her phone back up. She flopped back on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. As she laid dormant, she could really feel the aches and pains setting in. She went to the gym with Steph often. Obviously being a cheerleader and all, Stephanie practically lived in the gym and most of the time, Jo was free enough to tag along with her. But it had been a while since she went and she was really feeling it. Sometimes it seemed like Steph never got sore though. She was always so in shape. "I'm really gonna start rethinking when you ask me to go to the gym with you. I'm beat."

"You biked like what? Six miles? Then did the elliptical for like half an hour and you're dead? I'd hate to see you go through Hell Week." Stephanie shook her head and sat up. Sometimes she didn't understand why Jo even wanted to go to the gym. It wasn't like she needed it. Jo was a teeny tiny 120 pounds and she couldn't gain weight if she tried. "I don't even know why you work out anyway. You lose anymore weight and they'll be nothing left of you."

"Who me?" Jo sat upright and ran her fingers through her hair. "I'm not really trying to lose weight really…" she ran her fingers along the cotton fabric of her towel next. "But I've got some flab that needs toned."

"Yeah right!" Stephanie exclaimed. "Jo if you got flab then I must be a damn whale."

"At least you've got a butt! I need to do some squats or something. I've got no junk in my trunk." Jo stood up and dragged her feet over to her dresser. "If I could take your butt and your boobs and put some on me, I'd be all set." She pulled a pair of fleece pajama pants from her drawer and a t-shirt.

"You honestly have the most perfect body." Stephanie bent down and took her socks off, tossing them into her laundry basket so she could finally take a shower too. "No stretch marks, no love handles, back dimples...You're perfect."

"Far from that," Jo mumbled and tossed her clothes onto her bed.

It wasn't the first time she had been told that she had a nice body, nor was it the first time she had been called "perfect" before either. But in all honesty, not just for the sake of being humble, she didn't see it. She was flat as a board with no chest and no ass. The only thing she even remotely liked about herself was her hair. She thought that was pretty. It had been growing out since eighth grade. She had a pretty embarrassing shoulder-length cut paid for by her second-to-last foster family ever and ever since then, she vowed to herself she'd never cut it again. And she hadn't. Her hair fell to the middle of her back and the most she'd ever gotten were trims here and there, mostly done by herself.

"Can I ask you a question? A weird one?" Stephanie asked. She stepped out of her leggings and stood in the middle of the room in nothing but her thong and her bra, but she wouldn't budge until Jo answered her. "Jo? Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot," Jo shrugged her shoulders and sat back down on her bed. She didn't yet have enough energy to put her clothes on. Getting them out of her drawer was half the battle.

"It's a weird one." Stephanie giggled before she even got the question out.

"Go ahead and ask." Jo was suddenly interested. She was used to Steph's weird questions but she was kind of curious as to what her latest one would be.

"Quarters, dimes, nickels or fifty-cent coins?" Steph asked. Jo raised her eyebrows. She wasn't sure she quite understood the question. "How big are your nipples?"

Jo's eyes widened. "What?"

"Quarters, dimes, nickels or fifty-cent coins? How big are they?" Jo just stared at her for a moment. Was she really asking this? Of all questions for her to ask, she had to ask this one?! She didn't know how to answer! "Come on! You have to answer!"

Jo pursed her lips together to conceal a laugh as she shook her head. "I-I don't know!? Do you mean the…" She felt her cheeks flush bright red and a hard laugh escaped her throat. "Do you mean the actual nipple? Or the...areola?"

"Just… How big are they?! Because mine are big and I was… I was just wondering if bigger boobs mean bigger nipples."

"I don't…" She shook her head slowly. "I don't wanna talk to you about nipples. This is… This is awkward."

"Please Jo!" Steph begged. "I've been wondering this for a while!"

Jo busted out in hard laugher and flung herself back on her bed. "You've been wondering about my nipples for a while?! What the hell?!"

"Not _your_ nipples but just… Nipples in general. Like mine are kinda big but I'm in a C-cup so that's understandable, isn't it? But you're a B. So I can ask you. Come on Jo. You're my best friend. We've talked about worse."

"I really don't know…" Jo stared up at the ceiling and tried to keep herself from laughing again. "I-I mean… If I had to guestimate… I mean… I dunno…. They're kind of big too, I guess… I mean… I don't know? Not quarters…. Bigger than quarters but not really as big as fifty-cent pieces. They're like…" She held her hand up and made a circle with her thumb and forefinger. "This big."

Steph nodded, but Jo could tell that she was still a bit dissatisfied, which wasn't a good thing for her. When Steph wasn't content with the answer to a question she asked, it almost always meant she had a follow-up and the follow-up question was always, always worse. So much worse that Jo literally cringed when she saw Steph opening her mouth and gearing up for another question.

"What color are yours?" Stephanie asked, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. She said it so casually that it was like she asked her if she was hungry. Like she didn't just ask her one of the most personal questions you could ask a person.

Jo wrinkled her eyebrows and slowly, her head shook. "I-I'm… I'm not answering that."

Stephanie sucked her teeth. "Jo! Come on! I'll tell you mine!"

"I don't wanna know! I know you'll tell me yours but honestly no thanks! I don't-"

"Are they pink?!" She interrupted her and fought off a laugh when she saw just how wide Jo's eyes got in that instant. "Because Leah told me that hers are-"

"PLEASE DON'T FINISH THAT STATEMENT!" Jo held her hand up and got up off her bed again, readjusting her towel.

She grabbed her stick of deodorant from her dresser, smile spread across her face out of both nervousness and genuine amusement. She honestly couldn't believe what was coming from her friend's mouth. Steph had asked her fair share of weird questions, and Jo was usually on the receiving end of them but she had to admit that this one took the cake. This was hands-down the weirdest question Stephanie ever asked.

As she pulled the cap off the powder scented Suave deodorant, she could feel Stephanie's eyes boring into her back and waiting, anticipating her response. She didn't even have to turn around to know that she was being stared down.

"I'm not answering that question, Steph. Give it up."

"Why?!" Steph stomped her foot and pouted like a six year who was just told they couldn't have a piece of candy. "Come on Jo. It's not like I'm gonna tell anyone! I just want to know if they're-"

"I don't know what color they are," Jo finally admitted as she was raising her arm up in the air to apply her deodorant. "I don't make it a point to stare at myself naked and when I do see myself naked, I certainly don't make it a point to check and see what color my….nipples," she mumbled the word, suddenly embarrassed to say it aloud. "Are."

"You don't know what color your own nip-"

"No," Jo shook her head. "I don't."

"So check!"

"Why is it so important to you?!"

"Because Leah told me that she has-"

Jo sighed hard and turned around so her back faced Stephanie again. _Only because I really don't want to know what color Leah's are_. She unwrapped her towel and looked down at her chest for a brief moment before closing it up again and plopping back down on her bed for the third time.

"I don't know what color they are," she mumbled, shrugging her shoulders. "They're weird colored…"

"Are they lighter or darker than your skin?"

"...Lighter? No… Darker. I dunno," she shrugged again. "They're darker. They're like… Tan." When Steph nodded her head this time, Jo could see that she was actually accepting of the answer and for that, she was grateful. It meant no more creepy questions. "Is that the end of your weirdo questions?"

"For now," Steph laughed.

Jo just playfully rolled her eyes and for the fourth time, stood up from her bed. With her back once again turned to Steph, she finally dropped her towel and stepped into the pair of underwear she set out for herself to wear. Though it was only going on 8:00 in the evening, she found herself feeling somewhat giddy for the fact that she could put on her pajamas for the night.

It was a rough first week back and she was beyond tired. She was sure that some of the fraternities on campus like Kappa Zeta and Sigma Beta were going to be hosting some kind of party since it was a Friday night after all, but she had no interest. Nothing pleased her more than putting on some comfortable clothes and curling up for the night to read the six chapters of Molecular Histology and five chapters of Theoretical Chemistry she was assigned. To some, it sounded boring. Spending a Friday night in bed doing homework was less than ideal for typical college students. But to Jo, it was her pleasure. Homework to her was what parties were to the majority of her friends. She would rather catch up and get ahead on homework than stand against a wall listening to music at a party any day.

"So what did Leeds keep you after class for?"

Jo pulled her t-shirt over her head and looped her hair through the head hole before opening her mouth to reply. "Nothing," she bent down and stuffed her feet into a pair of socks. "Some tutoring thing. The TA wanted to know if me and a couple guys wanted to help him run this tutoring session thing on Monday. You know, the thing Leeds mentioned at the beginning of class?"

"Yeah," Steph nodded, finally taking off her sweatpants and moving on to her sports bra. "Are you gonna do it?"

"I dunno. I was thinking about it but I don't think so. It just seems kind of lame, really." Jo adjusted her favorite pillow on her bed before laying down on it. She unlocked her cell phone and held it above her head so she could scroll through it. "Like just pointless. Because there's only what? 30 of us in the class? Maybe 40 at best? If he can't handle 30-40 kids on his own then maybe he shouldn't be a TA."

"Well yeah, good point. But don't you get paid to tutor? Don't the student tutors get paid university standard?"

"That's another thing," Jo sighed and exited out of her Instagram app. "I mean it seems kind of lame yeah, but if they're gonna pay me for it…I'm not gonna say no to money. Especially when I don't have any hours next week."

"Yeah, when do you start back to work?"

"I don't know yet. I have to go in on Sunday to get the new schedule but as it stands right now, I don't have hours next week. But I'm hoping someone asks me to take their shift," she sighed once again and put her phone down this time.

She wouldn't admit it, but she was actually having fun with not having to worry about her stupid little job across town at the Caribou Cafe. It was nice to come home from classes and have time to relax but it had to be short lived. She needed the money, even if she didn't make much as a crummy coffee shop waitress.

"You think I should? It'll only be like… Fifty bucks or something like that… Maybe less. But do you think I should do it anyway? I mean it's better than nothing, right?"

"I don't think it'd hurt. It's just peer tutoring for a couple hours. And you're getting paid. It's an extra couple bucks in your pocket no matter what."

"You're right…. Guess I'll do it," she picked her phone back up with that decision and tapped on the web browser. Her phone was a crappy, way-outdated iPhone 4, but it did the job. It ran slow but hey. She went to her student email center and tapped on "compose" so she could email the Dr. Leeds and let him know that she would sign on to be a tutor.

"Oh, yeah!" Steph exclaimed, whipping around to face Jo. She was now fully naked and standing in the middle of the room, but Jo of course, didn't mind. Stephanie was always naked and it was never a surprise when she caught a glimpse of a butt cheek or two. It wasn't like she herself was a prude, because she wasn't. She too had no problem dressing and undressing in front of her best friend. But Stephanie was _always_ naked. So much that it seemed like she just give up and join a nudist colony. "I meant to ask you… Did you want to come down to Sigma Chi later? It's not really a party but Shane said a few of his friend's brothers are having a little back to school get together. There will be liquor, they said. You know that was the first thing I asked."

Jo sighed when the dreaded question came up. She knew how to say no to her friend, so that wasn't the issue. The issue was that she knew that when she did say no, Steph was going to take it upon herself to try and give her every reason in the book as to why she _should_ come out and party.

"Who's all going?" Jo asked. She was slightly interested. She was leaning more towards staying inside but maybe she'd come out for a little while.

"It's just me, Leah, Heather, Shane, Mike and Mike's friend Chris."

Internally, Jo felt herself deflate. It was like someone had taken a needle and popped her balloon, released all the air out of it and left her with nothing but a lifeless sack of rubber. Nope. Not interested.

"I'm not feeling it tonight, Steph. Maybe tomorrow… There will probably be parties tomorrow too since it's Saturday."

Steph blinked twice when she looked at Jo, shook her head and then shrugged her shoulders. She could suit herself. It was usually hit or miss with Jo and parties. Sometimes she was all for getting dressed up to have a drink with the group and other times she just wanted to sit inside.

Wasn't going to stop her from having a good time, though.

* * *

"So they'll just have to sign in on this sheet? So you can give them credit for being here?" Alex pointed at the clipboard lined with college-ruled filler paper. "And it's five bonus points if they come? But I shouldn't tell them that?"

"Right," Dr. Leeds nodded his head and motioned towards the whiteboard without even taking his hands out of his jacket pockets. "I expect you to utilize the board to explain the concepts. Two of the students signed up to help out tonight and I want you to award them ten bonus points for that. I'm not sure where they are, but they should be here shortly. Anymore questions?"

"Nah," Alex shook his head and looked around the room, trying to feign genuine interest in being there. In truth, he'd rather be anywhere but where he was at. Except maybe back at home dealing with Lucy. "I should be good. I can handle a couple hours of tutoring."

"Alrighty then." Leeds started walking towards the door. "Email me later and let me know how it went."

"Will do."

As soon as the Dr. Leeds left him alone in the small classroom, Alex sat down on one of the desks and sighed. Secretly, he hoped no one would show up. Now, he knew that wouldn't be the case. These were Ivy League students he was dealing with, so he knew for a fact that they'd come. But the thought of them not coming was tucked away in the back of his mind. How easy would that make his job if they didn't?

He glanced at the analog clock on the wall and swung his leg, which just barely dangled above the ground when he sat on the desk. It was 4:37 and the session began at 5:00. He told the two people that signed up to help him run the thing today in class that they should be here at least ten minutes before the session started so he could get familiar with the topics they knew the best.

Bored and alone in a quiet classroom with nothing but his thoughts to accompany him, he slid his phone from his pocket and casually went to the music app on his phone. He turned the volume down to a low shush, pressed play and let the sounds of Bon Jovi keep him sane.

 _I wonder how long this is gonna take_ , he thought. _We've got the room for three hours but it's not gonna take that long… Is it? It better not. I'm starving. And not to mention, if it takes three hours, Luce will have a fit. I told her I'd be home by 6:30 or 7:00… I hope I didn't lie to her._

 _She says we've gotta hold on to what we got. It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not. We've got each other and that's a lot for love… We'll give it a shot._

He tapped his foot in tune to the song as it played and hummed almost inaudible. "Halfway there…," he mumbled. "Livin' on a prayer…" he sighed and looked at the clock again. "We'll make it I swear…"

As the last syllable of the lyric rolled off his tongue, he heard subtle footsteps behind him. They were quiet and very faint, but loud enough to make him turn his head. In the doorway, the tiny girl from earlier stood.

She was still as short as he remembered her being, and she was still just as wispy. She wore a dark purple hooded sweatshirt and a tight pair of black leggings. Her feet were small and stuffed into a pair of brown fur boots and her bouncy brunette curls clustered around her chest. Her thumbs were hooked underneath the straps of a multi-colored tribal printed backpack and her eyebrows were raised. When he looked at her, she seemed to shrink. She was nervous and she looked lost.

"A-am I early?" she stuttered, looking behind herself as if someone else was back there too. Her eyes wandered the room and she looked as though she was going to crap her pants. "You said ten minutes…and I'm more like twenty... But I can…"

She turned to leave and possibly wait out in the hallway, but Alex got up off the desk and paused his music. "You're fine," he stopped her. She turned back around slowly and seemed to ease up a little. "You're right on time," he assured her. Sure she was ten whole minutes earlier than her scheduled time, but he kind of liked that a little bit. She was punctual. He quickly filed through his brain for her name and tested it when he found it. "…Jo, right?"

She nodded her head.


	6. Body Language

**A/N:** Sorry if you're bored with the story so far. I get that it can be a little bit boring to have to sit through the expository chapters while everything is being introduced and set up. So I tried to make this chapter a little more interesting with lots of foreshadowing and flashbacks that make things a little more clearer. Plus, there's some real Jo and Alex interaction here. So maybe that'll make it more interesting for you.

* * *

She nodded her head and fashioned one foot in front of the other, her eyes still continuously scanning the room. Okay, so she was early. By only like ten minutes though. So why was she the only one? I mean come on. She did everything in her power to ensure that she was actually, just a little bit "fashionably late", but still early enough to not be the last person straggling through the door, yet she still managed to be an entire twenty minutes early? And nobody else was here? With her teeth pressed down firmly against her bottom lip and her thumbs slowly uncurling from the straps of her backpack, she eased into the room.

Six rows of five desks a piece littered the room, all of which were empty. The dry-erase whiteboard wasn't yet written on, there were stacks of empty filler paper on top of the desk that TA had sat on, and now that he turned his music off, the room was quiet. The only audible noise came from the buzzing of the thermostat mounted to the wall. Unsure of what else she should do, she shrugged her backpack off her shoulders and hung it on the back of a chair. She could feel his eyes on her, watching her every move, but she just sat down in the chair anyway. She crossed her legs under the desk, slid her cell phone out of her front hoodie pocket and pretended to busy herself by scrolling through her Twitter feed. She hoped to God that someone else would come in here, and come in here quick. She didn't want to seem rude by not speaking to him, she just didn't know what to say. Obviously he didn't either, though. It wasn't like he was breaking his neck to put forth the effort to talk to her.

Alex too pretended to be busy, this time by sifting through the pile of blank assignments he was going to hand out once everyone got into the room. He didn't know much about her, but he decided that he kind of liked her. He liked the way she was asked to show up ten minutes earlier than the session's slated beginning time and showed up twenty instead. And he also liked the way she didn't feel the need to fill the silence. He probably would've liked her a lot less if she was one of those people that couldn't take silence for what it was. If she was the kind of girl that thought she just had to talk and forced conversations for the sake of hearing something besides the sound of the thermostat, he probably wouldn't have liked her. But she wasn't. She was okay with taking a seat at a desk and pulling out her phone and keeping herself busy. She left him alone and in turn, he left her alone too.

Casually, he put the stack of papers down and picked up the clipboard, grabbing the blue inkpen to go along with it. Without a word, he walked it over to the desk she elected to sit in and slid it on top of the tray. Startled due to the fact that her sole attention was given to reading a petty argument between two girls on her Twitter timeline, Jo jumped just slightly and snapped her head up. She looked at him intently, cautiously waiting for directions on what to do with the clipboard. It had an empty piece of paper on it and he gave her a pen. Obviously he was asking her to write something, but what?

Noting the confused and attentive look on her face, Alex motioned to the clipboard with his head and spoke up.

"Just sign your name...prove that you were here," he mumbled, sitting back down on the desk. He picked his phone back up to pass some more time but before he could go back to looking at it, he watched her obediently nod her head and almost skeptically pick up the pen. His eyes narrowed and a slight smirk crept across his face. She seemed scared. What was she so afraid of? Why was she cowering? Like a scared, beaten puppy, she was hanging on to his every word and being so attentive that it was like she was scared. What was she scared of, though? Was it him? "You know I'm not gonna bite you, right?"

Jo looked up again, her eyebrows raised and her eyes locked on him and on him only. He was talking to her, and talking to her normally. That in itself was surprising. She wasn't usually the type to pass judgment or jump to conclusions, but he always seemed so...serious. Even in the classroom. He just always seemed like he was goal-oriented and small talk...well, that didn't seem like something he did. He was always so calculated and put together. He would come into the auditorium in the morning, take off his coat, sit down, do his work and then leave. At least for the last three times she'd seen him in class. Maybe she was wrong though. Because he _was_ talking to her, after all.

"Y-yeah…," she nodded her head, the words jumbling when she spit them out. She could tell that he probably thought she was weird, so she parted her lips and offered him the most honest smile she could give him. She didn't want him to think she was dense. "I just um…," she trailed, laughing softly to mask the awkwardness. "Wasn't really expecting to be the only one here."

Alex raised his eyebrows in mock surprise and allowed himself to smile back...though his came out as more of a goofy grin. "Well whaddya know? You have a voice. You can actually talk."

Jo's face fell a bit and her eyes narrowed. She wanted to stick her tongue out at him and if she was more comfortable around him, maybe even toss up her middle finger. But instead, since she wasn't familiar with him and didn't quite know exactly how he'd take it, she wrinkled her nose and gave him a dramatic, over-exaggerated eye-roll. Another soft laugh escaped from her chest.

"I don't talk to strangers," she joked. "Didn't your mother ever teach you about stranger danger?"

"No," he retorted with a slight nod of his head. "But she did teach me about selective mutism and that was my diagnosis before you opened your mouth."

This time, a more honest, high-pitched laugh came out of her mouth but she concealed it as best as she could by smashing her lips together. Again, she narrowed her eyes at him but this time, she shook her head. _Smart ass_ , she thought.

"Thought you said you wanted to be a plastic surgeon… You sure you don't wanna hang that up and pursue being a psychologist instead? Since you know so much about psychological disorders."

"Nah, I'm just fine." Alex smirked again and turned around, walking back to the desk to put the clipboard down on it so it'd be ready when other kids needed to come in and sign it. "I aced my psych clerkship though… If you must know."

Jo just nodded her head, feigning impression and turned her attention back to her cell phone. She felt her shoulders unhinge, her body relax and the air clear. It was just a little bit of small talk, some playful back and forth banter. But it was enough to make her feel comfortable enough to relax. Alas, there actually was a TA that wasn't an asshole. That was surprising. Every one she'd come across was a flaming one. She exited out of her Twitter app and sighed at the fact that there was nothing entertaining on it. She sat back in her chair, put her hands in her pockets and allowed her foot to shake unconsciously.

He was busy, but she couldn't help but watch him. There was nothing else to do besides. She thought for sure that he was probably confused and maybe even a little bit nervous because obviously he'd never run a tutoring session before. He was a med student and though she hadn't been to med school just yet, she was fairly certain that teaching wasn't something they lectured on in med school. She knew that he has to be at least a little unsure of himself. But he didn't seem nervous. Not even a little.

"...Mr. Um… Karev?" she called.

"It's Alex," he mumbled, staring at the paper he was supposed to pass out and internally going over all the answers. He was a little bit rusty on his Histology skills but for the most part, he knew the answers.

"Oh…well… Alex?" Jo corrected herself.

"What?" he looked up and gave her his attention.

Jo pursed her lips together and her jaw shifted, as if she was thinking about something she didn't quite know how to articulate. "...What's it like?" she finally asked. "Medical school, I mean. What's it like?"

For the second time, his eyebrows raised but this time, he was genuinely surprised. He didn't know what he was expecting her to say, but it surely wasn't that. He wasn't expecting her to ask him about med school.

"It's uh…," he shrugged his shoulders. "It's cool, I guess. A lot of work but yanno… So is college, so."

"Is it...like…hard? I mean obviously I know it's not easy, but…" her voice trailed off when she finally realized what a dope she probably sounded like. She probably sounded like some mesmerized little kid asking Mommy or Daddy how exactly Santa Claus fit through the chimney. Or better yet, like a child asking their pregnant mother where babies come from. She was curious. And just like the child that wondered about babies, she wanted to consult an expert . Who better to ask about med school than a med student himself, right? But she probably sounded stupid. "Can you just tell me what it's like?"

"It's…," Alex moved his tongue to the right side of his cheek and sighed. It was a simple question sure, but it was loaded. He didn't know much about this girl, but he figured that for her to have gone far enough into biology to have taken histology, she was probably a biology major. And biology majors usually had one thing in mind upon graduation. He understood why she'd be curious but still, he wasn't sure he had an answer to give. "It's a lot of hard work but it's doable."

"Oh," Jo nodded her head. "Thanks," she whispered. It wasn't exactly the answer she was hoping for, but she'd settle. She was hoping for a detailed rundown of the things he does on a day to day basis, maybe an outline of his schedule, maybe information about how clerkship work and maybe even an explanation as to why exactly he had to be a TA if he wants to be a surgeon. But she'd settle. It was better than nothing anyway.

Alex could see the disappointment and dissatisfaction on her face, and he felt bad. He wanted to give her information, he did. He could put himself in her shoes and almost remember what it felt like to be in her shoes as a last semester senior just trying to make it. He would want all the information he could get too. But he just didn't know what to say. What was she asking for?

"You thinking med school after graduation?" he asked. She nodded. "Got one in mind? Or not yet?"

"I've got a couple, but I'm not really sure about them." Casually, she ran her fingers through her hair in a near-desperate attempt to not seem nervous.

"What are they? You thinking Rutgers at all? Because they're tough, but they're pretty manageable at Rutgers. And they'll let you in if you've got 3.9."

"I wasn't really thinking Rutgers," Jo admitted sheepishly. She didn't want to tell him her choices because…well, they probably sounded foolish. They probably sounded like fairytale fantasies as far-fetched as being swept away by a unicorn. Maybe it was time for her to start thinking more realistically. Rutgers could be a possibility. "I was… Thinking more like Harvard… Or Hopkins… Penn, maybe."

"What's your GPA?"

"I'm not sure. Last time I checked it was a four but it could've changed," she shrugged.

"Harvard, Hopkins and Penn are tough but… I mean you could probably do it. The worst they could say is no, right?"

"Right," she agreed.

Alex nodded his head, sealing the conversation and watched as she buried her nose into her cell phone for the third time. _When I'm wrong about a person, I'm really wrong._ He was wrong about her. Terribly wrong. Up until about five or six minutes ago, he thought for sure she was a little bit airheaded. He had met chicks like that before. Extremely book-smart but with about as much common sense as a doornail? Yeah, he'd met his fair share of chicks like that and he thought for sure that this Jo was just another one of them. But she wasn't, not even a little bit. She was actually pretty cool. She made the time go faster and well… She kind of made the fact that he had to be here suck a little less.

He looked down at his phone and pressed the home button but before he could even check the time, he heard footsteps in the doorway again.

And that was the last of the time alone he spent with Jo.

* * *

"How'd your tutoring session go?" He heard her voice before he even saw her face. The bathroom door creaked a bit when she opened it and once it was cracked, she peered inside. The air was thick and humid from the steamy hot water that he showered with, but she could still make out his face. If she squinted, she could see.

Alex rolled his towel around his waist and stepped onto the soft memory-foam rug, reaching for his razor blade and shaving cream. Already dressed in her pajamas, Lucy crept into the bathroom and stood behind him, leisurely draping her arms around his waist. Since she was so much shorter than him, her face could only reach the middle of his back and so that's where she rested her cheek.

"Alex?" she called his name as if he didn't hear her initial question. "How was your tutoring thing?"

"It was okay," he answered, smearing shaving cream on his face. Her hands strayed away from his waist and wandered up to his chest. He just ignored her and tilted his head up to the ceiling so he could shave the underside of his chin. "Pretty much everyone in the class showed, so that was pretty good."

"Really? I'm glad." She took her arms from around his waist and walked over to the toilet. She shut the seat and sat down on the back of it, inquisitively looking up and watching his every precise movement as he dragged the blade back and forth across his face. "So listen… There's been something I wanna talk to you about."

"Go ahead," he mumbled. By this point, he was pretty much an expert at pretending to pay attention to her when she spoke. Sometimes the words that came out of her mouth were genuinely interesting and he found himself actually paying attention, but other times he just wasn't interested. He had her down pact, though. And he knew that all he had to do was nod here and there to make it seem like he was paying attention.

Nervously, Lucy played with the drawstrings on her pajama shorts and cleared her throat to speak up. "So yeah, I was talking to one of my coworkers today. You know Claire? The one that just got married last week?" Alex nodded his head. Did he really remember Claire? No. But he did remember how she had to go to a wedding last weekend and he could stick a name to that. "And she said that the cheapest time to have a wedding is in the summer because…,"

Alex closed his eyes and blew air out of his nostrils just to let her know how he felt about where this discussion was headed. Why was it that every single time they were just talking, talking about anything, she had to somehow morph it and bring up love and marriage? Every. Single. Time. He clenched his jaw, snapped his eyes open and tried to tune her out the rest of the time he was shaving.

Noticing the way he seemed to be turned off to the idea of the conversation, Lucy sprung up off the toilet and folded her arms across her chest.

"I know you don't want to talk about it but we have to," she said, irritation laced in her tone. They _had_ to? Alex didn't see a reason why. Marriage was way, way down the line. It was like talking about kids when you had none. Or talking about how you'd drive a car when you didn't have one. It was pointless and unnecessary. Why'd they have to talk about marriage? He was only 26 and she was 27. They had a while to even consider it. "Look Alex, I don't know about you, but I don't want to be 30 and still living with my boyfriend, waiting for him to pop the question."

Alex stayed quiet. He didn't know about her, but marriage was something that he tended to take seriously. For the last two or three months, she had been watching her coworkers get engaged and married and he knew that the marriage bug had bitten her in the ass. She was anxious and she was excited and she wanted to join the club. But marriage was a big deal. It wasn't something you just up and decided one day. If he was ever going to ask Lucy to marry him, it was going to come from his heart and it wasn't going to be because she pressured him into it.

"Do you even want to get married?" she asked him and again, he was silent. "Alex." Still silent. "...Then what the hell are we even doing? If you don't want to get married then what-"

"I never said I didn't wanna," Alex finally spoke up in his defense. He patted his face dry with the hand-towel and turned off the faucet. "I'm just saying that you're not gonna-"

"Man up, Alex." With her arms still folded across her chest and her eyes glossed over with anger and slight sadness, she glared at him. "When are you going to grow up? We've been together for a year and three months, living together for six. If you're not ready by now then you'll never be. What's the next step for us? What's the next step? Or are we forever going to be living together the way we are now?"

He let that thought sit in the back of his mind and marinate a little as he pondered it. What was the next step for him and her? He liked the way things were. Things weren't complicated, they weren't messy, but they weren't good. But even still, he liked them. He liked coming home to her and having a share of the bills to pay. Call him crazy, but he was satisfied and content with the way things were between them. Next step? How could they take a next step when they haven't even conquered the one they were on? They still had quirks with living together that they needed to sort out. She couldn't possibly think they were ready to get married, could she?

He wasn't going to marry her just because it was what she wanted. Half-marriages didn't exist. For a marriage to work, both parties had to be all in. He knew that for a fact. He saw that first hand growing up. Not that his parents were ever married or divorced, because they weren't. They weren't married when they had him or his siblings and it wasn't a big messy separation/divorce when his dad left and never came back. But he had friends. He had friends growing up and he saw the way marriages worked. And for a long time, he knew that marrying someone just to divorce them three or four years later wasn't what he wanted. When he married a girl, he wanted to marry her because he was so in love with her that he couldn't imagine _not_ spending the rest of his life with her. Could he imagine a life without Lucy? Probably.

"It's time for you to grow up." Lucy shook her head and stormed out of the bathroom.

And that was the last of their conversation.

* * *

Jo picked up her silver fork and weaved it through the mound of mashed potatoes she had on her plate, absentmindedly picking through her food. It wasn't that the parsley-covered mashed potatoes didn't look good, because they did. So did the tiny pile of peas next to them and the gravy-covered slice of meatloaf as well. It all smelled good too. But she just wasn't hungry. She didn't have much of an appetite, which was weird. She should've been hungry. The last time she ate was 12:00 in the afternoon for lunch. It was 7:30 now, and they were all sitting at dinner. But she just couldn't stomach even the thought of food.

"Jo," Leah called her name, slathering her red apple with peanut butter. Jo stopped playing with her food for a moment and looked up, her eyes blatantly avoiding the left side of the table. "Can you help me with that paper? If I come up to you and Steph's room, will you help me with it?"

Jo nodded her head and looked back down at her plate. Leah hadn't been able to make it to the tutoring session and for that, Jo would help her. She probably wouldn't help her if she had just decided to blow it off but it wasn't like that. She had a night class today and she couldn't attend. She'd help her out… Mostly just to ensure that she didn't fail. Leah had gotten one of the lowest grades in the class on the assignment.

Sitting in the chair next to her and watching her every move from the corner of his eye, Isaac turned his body completely and faced her. He wanted to touch her. He wanted to reach his arm out and wrap it around her shoulder or at least, he wanted to hold her hand. Maybe she was tired. He'd never been around Jo when she was tired to know how she acted when she was, but that was his first thought. Either way, something was wrong with her. She wasn't her usual bubbly, energetic self. That much he knew.

"What's wrong?" he asked without even bothering to disguise or lower his tone. In that instant, Jo wanted to scream and possibly punch him. It was sweet that he was asking her if she was alright, really it was. But did he really have to draw attention to her? He could've been discreet. She could kill Steph for once again, inviting him to eat dinner with them. She was all for being polite and nice to Isaac but still. She could've gone without eating with him.

 _Then again, if I killed Steph I doubt she'd even notice. I could have the noose around her neck and she'd still be drooling._

Jo peeled her eyes away from Stephanie who was too enamored by the person sitting beside her to notice anything else, plastered a fake smile on her face and shook her head. "Nothing. The food's just… Not very good today, really. I think I'm gonna go grab a cupcake." She scooted out and stood up.

"I'll grab it for you, what flavor do you want?" Isaac offered.

"It's fine Isaac, I can get it myself." She flung her hair to the side, shoved her hands down into the pocket of her hoodie and walked briskly over to the dessert station.

 _The universe can be so cruel._ She stood beside the salad bar and looked on at all the desserts, trying to decide which one she could take and not eat. _Seriously, how is it that he just so happened to be here?_ If she had left the tutoring session one minute later, texted Stephanie half a second earlier, even walked down to the cafeteria a little slower… They would've missed him and he wouldn't be sitting at their table right now. _She's so enchanted by him._ But she didn't know the truth. He was, for lack of better word, enchanting. Those eyes and that hair and that smile… He was enchanting.

She grabbed a styrofoam bowl from the pile and elected to get some ice cream from the soft-serve dispenser. She knew she wasn't going to eat the ice cream, but it might've gone better than picking over a cupcake. She held her bowl underneath the vanilla hole and pulled the lever. While it spewed out, her eyes couldn't help but wander back over to their table.

Leah was hungrily chomping on her peanut butter covered apple, chatting to Heather who sat across from her. Heather was eating crispy golden french fries two by two, laughing at something Leah said. Isaac had his nose buried in his phone now that she wasn't at the table anymore and Steph… Oh, Steph. She was smiling, laughing, batting her eyelashes, flirting. While he was soaking it up. His blue eyes sparkling, his attention solely. Jo's eyes traded him. His muscles seemed to almost be bursting out of his shirt. He laughed. She wasn't close enough to hear his laugh, but she still could. She heard it ringing in her ears. Teasing her. _Taunting_ her. Mocking her.

" _I don't really wanna do it," she smiles nervously and gently offers his chest a nudge. His tongue slips and slides all over her neck and his hands cup themselves around her waist._

" _But why? You're so…," he stops just to kiss her neck again. "Beautiful."_

" _Thank you…," she whispers, her eyes rolling towards the ceiling. "But I don't wanna…" She pushes his chest again and wriggles her hips out of his grasp._

" _Stop movin'," he mumbles._

" _Mike stop, I don't…"_

Suddenly, her hands were ice cold. Her hands were freezing, dripping, sticky and wet. And with that, she was ripped from her thoughts. She took her eyes off the table and looked down, gasping when she realized that her bowl was overflowing. She had been distracted and that was all it took for thick vanilla ice cream to drip all down her hands and line the sleeves of her sweatshirt. She sucked her teeth and shook her hands, grabbing a brown napkin from the dispenser next to the machine. As best as she could, she wiped her hands off and tossed the bowl into the trashcan.

Shaking her head to both further clear her thoughts and formally give up on the ice cream, she just walked over to the dessert table, picked up a chocolate chip cookie and decided to head back. Keeping her head down, she returned back to her seat and plopped back down next to Isaac.

As soon as she sat back down in her seat, Isaac immediately put his phone back into his pocket and perked up a bit. "I...thought you wanted a cupcake."

"The cookies looked better," Jo mumbled and shrugged her shoulders. Sometimes, much like now, she had to actively try to be nice to Isaac. It was easy for her to get annoyed with the way it seemed like he constantly worried about her every move.

Isaac said nothing else, but he watched her from the corner of his eye. The last time he saw Jo like this… granted, it was last semester around Halloween, coming back from Sigma Chi's infamous Halloween party. But last time he saw Jo act like this, he didn't see her for three days. She skipped class, she didn't come down to the cafeteria when she usually did and she was AWOL. Was she going to disappear again?

She put the chocolate chip cookie down on the plate next to the mashed potatoes and poked at it with her finger. It was soft, so her finger sunk straight to the bottom but she couldn't seem any less interested. Chocolate chip cookies were her weakness but it just didn't seem appetizing. She pulled her finger out of the cookie, wiped the gooey chocolate on her napkin and just sighed.

" _Stop…," her voice sounds more like a whimper than a voice at all. Her hand touches his face and pushes but he doesn't budge. "Stop! I said I don't…"_

"Are you okay?" Heather asked this time, after watching the entire finger-cookie exchange. "Is there a reason you're fingering the cookie?"

Leah swallowed a laugh and nodded her head. She couldn't help but laugh at Heather's joke, but she knew she should be serious. Jo didn't seem quite like herself. "Yeah," she said too. "You okay Jo?"

"I'm fine," Jo spoke louder this time but her voice was still muffled and her response was still robotic and calculated. "I'm just tired. Will everybody stop asking me if I'm alright?"

"Do you want the shower first when we get back up to the room?" Finally, Stephanie took her attention away from Mike and put it on Jo. Admittedly, she heard everyone around her constantly asking Jo if she was "okay", but she didn't think twice about it. Now that she actually looked at her though, Jo did seem a little...off. Her face was so pale that it was almost translucent, he eyes seemed so glossed over that it didn't seem like she was conscious and she was stiff. "So you can go to bed early?" Jo nodded her head but still, she seemed blank. "Jo? Are you really okay?"

"I'm fine!" she shouted, officially losing her temper. "Will everybody please stop asking?! I'm fine! I'm okay! God, can't I just be tired without you asking me about a damn cupcake, you asking me about a cookie and you assuming everything is wrong?! I'm fine! I'm-"

"Geez," Mike snickered, shaking his head. "Calm down, why don't you? You're so tense."

She bit down on her bottom lip so hard that she broke skin, but she didn't care. Her eyes filled with tears but instead of letting them fall, she scooted out from her chair again, stood up and slammed her chair into the table instead of casually pushing it in. The chair hit the table with such force that both Leah and Isaac's drinks toppled over, but instead of tending to the spilled mess, their eyes; just like everyone else at the table's, followed Jo.

"Jo!" Stephanie called after her.

Jo ignored her, kept her hands in her pockets and stormed out of the cafeteria. Tears ran, hot, thick and plentiful down her cheeks as she walked. She pushed the door open with her elbows and stomped down the hallway.

" _I just think that we should…"_

She felt her chest tighten and her stomach clench. It was like everything and everyone around her moved in slow motion. It was all a blur and her head was spinning. Her ears were ringing.

" _Don't!"_

It was like someone had punched her in the middle of her back and stole all her oxygen. Like someone squeezed her lungs and gave her a drinking straw, then expected her to breathe out of it. She heard her heart beating in her ears. She wanted nothing more than to go back up to her dorm and lie down in her bed but she couldn't. With the way her legs were feeling, walking was out of the question.

" _Get… Off… Don't…"_

She banked a left turn and pushed the bathroom door open. She shuffled into a stall and clasped her hand over her chest, breathing so heavy that she sounded as if she had run a marathon. She stood with her back against the door of the stall and tried to focus on staring at the toilet's automatic flushing sensor. _You're okay… You're okay._ She kept her hand over her heart while it thumped fast.

Slowly, she slid down while her back was against the wall until eventually, she was sitting. Her knees were tucked into her chest. _I can't breathe… I can't… I can't breathe._ She continued to gasp for air. She took her hand away from her chest and brought it up to wipe her face. _Calm down… You're okay. Just calm down._ She closed her eyes tight and plugged her fingers into her ears, which were still ringing.

 _He squeezes his hands around her waist so tightly that she can't move and guides her to lie flat against his bed. The smell hard liquor and sweat fills her nostrils, but she can't breathe. It's like someone laid a five pound weight on her chest. His presence is overwhelming, overbearing and for the first time in her life, she feels small. She stuffs her hands against his chest and shoves but for his 230 pounds against her 120, it does nothing._

" _Mike, stop it…" she squeezes her legs together in hopes of making it difficult for him. But it's easy for him to part them and pull so hard that the button on her jeans snaps off. "Stop it!"_

" _Calm down." He laughs in her ear before pressing his lips to her neck again. He keeps one hand between her legs so she doesn't close them and skillfully uses his free one to pull his own down. It's like he's done this before and maybe, he has. He's too good with it. He knows what to do. It's the kind of skill that comes from experience. "You're so tense."_

Feeling her heartbeat and her breathing both returning back to normal, Jo unplugged her ears and took a few more deep breaths. She was dizzy but she felt better.

She was okay to walk back to her dorm.


	7. Push Rewind

**A/N:** Please take this as a trigger warning. This chapter deals with heavy content, as you find out just **exactly** what happened to Jo on Halloween night. You can skip over everything in italics if you're not comfortable reading, but you might be a little confused down the line if you do. I'll make it so things get cleared up if you choose not to read though, I promise. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I put a lot of emotion into it.

Also, I know some of the things said don't quite make sense just yet, especially when the ideas are abstract. But I think I cleared up why Steph and Jo's personal talk two chapters ago was so important in this chapter.

Enjoy!

* * *

As quietly as she possibly could, Stephanie opened the door to her room and stepped inside, barely making noise. She twisted the handle downwards and shut it behind herself before bending over and slipping her feet out of her wet black Bearpaw boots. She neatly placed them beside the door and tiptoed into the kitchen. She peered into the sink. It wasn't empty like it was when she left this morning, which meant that Jo had been up. For that, she breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the bowl of milk with three Cheerios still floating around inside the sink.

She tiptoed towards the zebra print curtain that closed off their room from the kitchen and pulled it apart. When she entered their room, she found that she had to step over a pair of size three jeans and a plain navy blue long-sleeved t-shirt. She glanced over at Jo's bed and felt her face fall when she saw that she was exactly the same way she left her this morning. She was buried underneath her blankets and perfectly still. So still that she had to actively concentrate if she wanted to see the blankets pulsating up and down in rhythm of her breathing.

Jo had been nearly silent for almost an entire day. The last time she heard her best friend's voice was yesterday, when Leah came over for help on the Histology worksheet. Jo talked her through it and when Leah was done, so was she. She buried herself in her bed and went to sleep at 9:00 last night. She woke up at 9:15 this morning, got dressed, went to Theoretical Chemistry and came back. When she came back, Steph watched her shed her clothes and bury herself back in her bed. She hadn't heard a word from her and she was starting to get worried. But there was a bowl in the sink, which meant she ate somewhere along the lines while Steph was at her Protein Biochemistry class.

"Jo?" she whispered her name softly, just in case she actually was asleep. She didn't think she was, only due to the fact that she could see light illuminating from underneath her covers, but on the off chance that she actually was sleeping, she didn't want to take the risk. She walked over to her bedand stood over her. "Jo? You up?"

Underneath her blankets, Jo closed her eyes and took a few deep, steadying breaths. She'd admit to anyone that asked that she hadn't quite been herself since yesterday. Something inside her felt…off. She felt empty on the inside, just hollow. Like she was a shell of a person just continuing to exist in the realm of the universe. Sitting at dinner yesterday… That simple notion took something from her and she just didn't know how to get it back.

Sentences of his, all the words he spoke, were running through her head and every time she thought about them, she had to search for a way to catch her breath. Every time she allowed herself to think, to tune into how she was truly feeling, it was like she couldn't breathe and he was all over her again. Could he really joke about it? Or was she overreacting? No. She couldn't be overreacting. He was clearly making a joke about it, wasn't he? Why else would he say that exact sentence? Why else would be use that exact phrasing? He had to know that's what he said to her. He had to remember. He was mocking her. He had to be. Or was she overreacting? She didn't know.

If he truly was making a mockery of it, then how could he? What kind of person was he? How could he so casually say those words? Those very words that have been ringing in her head since Halloween. Since October 31st. It was January now. But they were still fresh in her mind. They were still there and every single day, she heard them. If he truly was making a mockery of it then, how could he say that so easily? As if those words had no meaning whatsoever behind them?

" _Calm down," he laughs in her ear before hungrily pressing his lips to her neck again. "You're too tense… If you loosen up, you might be able to enjoy it."_

 _His breath smells like beer and spearmint. Beer and chewing gum. That scent is burned into the back of her mind now, and it's forever a scent that she'll remember him by. Now, any time she smells beer and chewing gum, she'll remember him. And she'll remember his burdening presence, his body suffocating her, covering her like a blanket and his sweat filling her every pore when it dripped down on top of her._

 _She'll remember the way his hips felt when they crushed against hers and the way he didn't even go soft when he heard her cry. She'll remember the way he seemed to get off on it. She'll remember tasting salty sweat when he covered her mouth with his hand, the way his fingernails scratched her cheeks when he dug them in and the way his hand felt clammy when it pried her legs apart. She'll remember choking when she tried to scream because his hand was over her mouth, she'll remember the way pushing against his chest seemed to do nothing and how when she tried to close her legs, she couldn't because he was already between them. For the rest of her life, she'd remember him and everything he took from her with just the scent of beer and chewing gum._

 _Below her waist, she feels herself stretch to accommodate his length, and for the first time, she feels her heart drop. Her hands, which are stuffed against his chest from her desperate attempts to stop him, go limp and she stops resisting. He won. He got what he wanted and she failed._

 _Sure he already snapped the button off her jeans and they were broken. A sure sign that he had to force his entry. Sure he already stuffed his hands up her shirt and touched her breasts without even bothering to take neither her bra nor her shirt off. A sure sign that she wasn't a willing participant. And sure he already covered her mouth to render her silent. A sure sign that he was in the wrong. But when she feels him enter her, it's like everything she ever had… Every thought, every emotion, every idea, every plan… Everything she'd ever had… Was taken._

 _It was real. It was actually happening. He was inside of her and she was being raped and something that had so preciously belonged to her didn't anymore. Her mind wrapped around that thought. That if he wanted it, he could take it. If he wanted it, and wanted it badly enough, he could hold her down, bypass her resistance and take it. He was taking it and she couldn't stop him._

 _Her ears are ringing, like the sound of a high-pitched beep, and her mind is fuzzy like it'd be after a few drinks. Her throat burns and she feels vomit rising up in the back of it. She holds it back, though. His hand is pressed so firmly against her mouth that if she throws up, she has no choice but to choke on it. To aspirate it. And possibly die. She closes her eyes, because the only alternative is to look him in his. In some instance, she feels like she's dozing off. She feels like she could fall asleep and though she's never felt it before, she's fairly certain that this is what losing consciousness feels like. How pleasant would that be?_

 _Please pass out, please pass out, please pass out._

 _In her ear, he's grunting. His hand is still wrapped around her mouth, but it's slipping as his palm is getting sweatier by the minute. He's hard, he's erect and he's enjoying himself. He's out of breath, but God she feels so good. She's not naked, but he knows she's the best he's ever been with. He doesn't have to see her naked to tell._

 _He always did think she was beautiful. He sat by her at freshman orientation nearly four years ago and ever since then, he thought she was gorgeous. Her oodles and oodles of thick brown hair, her perfect pink lips, her eyes that were such a pretty shade of brown. She was thin, too. Inside clothes, she looked to be no more than a hundred pounds but now that he felt her without them, he knew that she was thicker than she looked. Flat stomach, warm, thick thighs. She was on his list. Since freshman year, she was on his list. He had crossed off many. Phoebe Phillips, check. Tia Bradford, check. Emma Kane, check. Kayla Daniel, check. Brianna Armer, check. Jo Wilson, check._

 _Phoebe? She had the best rack. She was fat, so overweight but she had a nice rack. Tia? Best ass, hands down. Emma wasn't anything special but she didn't put up a fight either, Kayla had a sexy moan and Brianna liked to scratch his back. But Jo? God, she was everything. So she fought it a little? She gave up when he got in. The sexy ones always fought. They always faked like they didn't want it but by the end of it, he had them in the palm of his hand like putty. They would say they didn't want it but as soon as he took their panties off, they were wet and purring like a kitten for him to rock their worlds. She was no different. She said she didn't want to, put up a damn good fight but as soon as he was in? As soon as he gave her what she wanted? She shut up. All he had to do was cover her mouth. He hated that crying shit. Damn was that a way to kill the mood._

 _She's quiet, so he finally takes his hand away from her mouth. She spit all over it, so he wipes it on the fitted sheet of his bed before grabbing onto the wooden post to brace himself so he could go harder. He was almost there, just a little bit more. Man, was he glad he ditched the condom. He thought about putting one on but Jo… She was such a once in a lifetime girl, he had to do it raw. And yes, he was glad he'd made that decision. She wasn't as wet as he'd hoped but she was still so damn tight. Just a little bit more, he was almost there._

 _Beneath his body, she's limp. Her head is turned to the side, her eyes are closed and she is completely motionless. It's almost as if she's asleep. Her arms are both bent at the elbows, her hands lying open as they're still in the same position they were when she was pushing him away. She did what she wanted and she never even knew how. Maybe it was the Rohypnol he'd slipped in her drink back at the party that was finally having an effect on her, or maybe her body just didn't know how to handle the trauma. Whatever the reason, she did what she wanted and she passed out._

 _That didn't stop him though._

A stray tear slid out of her eye as the memory dissolved and the fabric of her pillowcase caught it.

How was it that in that instant, when she was under the influence of a drug, she did what she so desperately wanted to do? She wanted to lose consciousness. She wanted something, _anything_ to put her out of her misery and it happened. She passed out. She lost consciousness and when she woke up, it was over. When she woke up, she was sore between her legs and sticky on her stomach where he had done his business. But she was covered with a sheet. He cared about her enough to cover her with a sheet when he was done with her. She didn't remember much of it, but it was over. It was over and he was nowhere to be found. And she stuffed her legs back into her broken blue jeans, put her shoes on, fixed her bra and walked up the hill back to her dorm.

How was it that she wasn't even sober but she was able to tell her mind what to do? She wasn't even sober but she was able to do the very thing she desperately wanted to do. But now, she couldn't? Because now, all she wanted was to forget. All she wanted was to forget it happened, stop reliving the memory and force it from her head. But she couldn't.

She felt hollow, like a lifeless shell of a person. But she pulled her covers back, exposed herself to the harsh sunlight that was spilling through the window and looked at Steph. She wasn't sure how long it had been since she called her name. It could've been minutes, it could've been hours. She didn't know how long her mind had gone off into that memory. But Steph was still there, so it couldn't have been that long. Steph was sitting on her own bed, book spread across her lap and glasses on her face.

Steph looked up since saw Jo's blankets move from the corner of her eye and grinned. She took her glasses off her face and folded them up, placing them on top of her book.

"Good morning, sunshine," she said playfully.

Jo let an easy smile cross her face too and she sat up. She adjusted the t-shirt she had on and pushed a loose strand of hair out of her face and looked down at the ground. _Maybe if I talked about it… I'd feel… Better?_

"You feeling any better today?" Steph asked. At this point, she was just desperate to get any kind of response out of her best friend.

"Yeah, actually…" Jo said.

Honestly, the sound of her voice surprised even herself. She too hadn't heard her own voice in a while. There was a piece of her that wondered if maybe Mr. Karev-err Alex, rather, was right. Was she selectively mute? Maybe. It wasn't like she was ever trying not to talk. She just didn't have anything to say. Sometimes she just didn't know how to say everything she was feeling. Was that selective mutism? It had been a while since she had taken a proper Psych class, so she didn't know.

Jo rubbed her lips together and again ran her fingers through a piece of her hair that had fallen out of the bun she put it in. She looked across the room at Steph and took a deep breath. _Here goes nothing…_

"Do you like Mike?" she asked, pursing her lips harder in an attempt to prevent herself from vomiting upon saying his name.

"You mean like him? Or like like him?" Steph countered.

"Like like."

"A little, I think." Steph shrugged her shoulders. "I mean he's pretty… He's pretty funny and he's not bad looking. And he's sweet every time we hang out and do lab work together. Why?"

"Just wondering," Jo mumbled. _Chicken shit._ She couldn't tell Steph. She wanted to, but she just…she couldn't.

"So what was up with you at dinner last night? We ever gonna talk about it or are we just gonna pretend like it never happened?"

"I wasn't… I just wasn't feeling very well. There isn't really much to talk about. I thought I was coming down with the flu or something but low and behold, false alarm," she lied. "I'm fine, really. I was just kind of sick of people asking me."

"Yeah I get that. I told Leah and Heather not to do that. I know how much it bugs you when people ask you what's wrong when there's nothing wrong. I told them about that. Your man candy seemed kind of worried about you, though. Said the last time you acted like that, he didn't see you for a few days."

"My man candy?"

"Isaac."

Jo rolled her eyes up to the ceiling and clenched her jaw. She wished to God he was never even there that night. She wished to God she had taken the longer way back to her dorm that night to clear her mind and hadn't run into him. She wished that she hadn't been sobbing her eyes out walking home, that he of all people wouldn't have been the one person she saw on her way home, and that he would keep his fucking mouth shut when she asked him not to mention it. Now he thought the two of them had some kind of inside secret between the two of them and that wasn't the case. He saw her at a very low point. He didn't know what happened, he'd NEVER know and he should just shut the hell up.

"He's so annoying, I swear to fucking God," Jo spat and Steph's eyebrows raised. Jo never had that foul of a mouth. She didn't usually drop the f-bomb so hearing it come out of her was shocking, to say the least. Stephanie could count on one hand how many times she'd actually heard Jo drop an f-bomb. "Sorry," Jo mumbled, noting the surprise on her face. "But he is! He's so freaking annoying and he's so freaking obsessed with me that it's actually irritating."

"Calm down, killer. He just said that he was worried about you. He said he saw you act that way before and the last time he did he didn't hear from you. Then he asked me to take care of you and Mike told him that you'd be fine. That's all."

"Oh, Mike told him that? Mike did?" Jo felt anger, white hot brewing in the pit of her stomach. "Mike said that? Mike doesn't know shit about me and you can tell him to keep his fuck-"

"Jo!" Steph held her hand up, eyes wide and confusion, honest confusion, written blatantly on her face. "Calm down, geez! What is with you?! You've been so crazy lately. Damn. What the hell is the matter with you?"

"Nothing." She sighed and flopped back on her bed. She stared up at the ceiling and forcibly willed herself to calm down. But seriously? Mike was speaking for her now? How dare he! How dare he act like he knows her well enough to know if or if not she'd be fine. How. Dare he?

"...So did he?" Once the air seemed to be clear and less tense, Steph spoke again. Jo wrinkled her brow and looked over at her. "Isaac. Did he see you act like that before?"

Jo rolled her eyes and looked back up at the ceiling. She knew Steph wasn't going to let it go though. It was like her and her weird questions. Once she had something in her mind, it was damn near impossible for her to give it up. She knew she would either have to tell Steph or kill her in order to stop hearing her ask the same question over and over.

"Once, yeah," she nodded her head. "You know Sigma Chi's Halloween party? I ran into him that night. And… Yeah."

"Oh…" Stephanie just nodded her head and there was a part of her that knew that she should probably just drop the subject.

She remembered that night clearly. Sigma Chi's Halloween party was one night she just couldn't forget. She remembered how Jo was when she came home. She never did ask her about it, but she remembered so vividly the sound of Jo's sobs when she collapsed on the living room floor and curled up into a ball. She remembered hearing Jo scream at the top of her lungs when she tried to touch her and better than that, she remembered sitting down in the middle of the floor with her and holding her while she cried. She remembered holding her hair back while she threw up for hours straight and she remembered making her drink bottles upon bottles of water so she didn't dehydrate. She remembered thinking that Jo was drugged, but dismissing the thought due to the fact that she was taking a toxicology class at the time and often found herself just trying to constantly pinpoint drug symptoms. She concluded that Jo was just really really drunk that night and that was the end of it. They hadn't talked about it since. Jo never seemed to want to.

"Hey Jay," Steph said, which caught Jo's attention almost immediately. She almost never called her "Jay." The only time she called her that was when she was going to ask her something serious. "...What ever did happen that night? You never… Really told me the whole story."

Jo licked her lips and looked down at the ground this time. _She deserves to at least know the truth… She's your best friend, for crying out loud._ She took a breath, cleared her throat and looked away from Steph. For some reason, it was always easier to speak when she wasn't looking at her.

"...Remember how I told you… I met a guy at that party?" She began and Steph nodded her head, listening intently. Jo had told her that much. She told her that she met a guy at the party, got his number but never heard from him again. "He was really nice at first. We danced at the party and he gave me a couple drinks… Told me I was beautiful and all that. Told me that he wanted to go back to his room to get to know me better. And I went back to his room. He lived over in Dod, so it was kind of a walk but not too far. Anyway, we went back there and he turned on a movie and stuff since it was only like 11:00 by then. And we started making out… And he moved in kind of rough and stuff…" To her surprise, she didn't even feel like crying. To her surprise, talking about it felt natural. Talking about it felt like she was simply telling a story. "...I told him no. I asked him not to… Told him I didn't want to… But…" She shrugged. "What can you do?"

Stephanie's jaw dropped and her eyes filled with tears. Was she saying…? Her best friend, her girl, the one she was close to just like a sister? Jo… Her beautiful, smart, independent Jo? Was…? She was taken advantage of? In the worst way possible? Jo? This Jo? This bubbly, polite, so very sweet Jo? The one that laughed and blushed at the thought of seeing her own self naked? Why didn't she tell her? Why? She would tell her anything. She could trust her with anything. She would tell her about the sex she had back in high school, no problem. She would drop her towel in front of her and get dressed without a thought. She would cry to her about how she had nowhere to go on breaks, about how she grew up as a foster child and sometimes, she'd even come home with her for a weekend. She could talk to her about the details of her _boob_ s, for crying out loud! But she didn't tell her this?

"He….you were…" Steph tried, but in that instant, she knew. She knew exactly _why_ Jo didn't tell her. How could she? She herself couldn't even say the word. Knowing Jo, she probably just wanted to forget. "You were?" She asked, not wanting to believe it and deciding. That she'd only believe it if she said it. Jo just nodded her head. Steph blinked and with that one blink, tears flooded her cheeks. She got up off her bed and rushed over to Jo's. She wrapped her arms around her best friend and held her so tight. "Jo, I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry."

Jo rested her head on her best friend's shoulder and hugged her back. Steph stroked her hand through Jo's hair and sniffed, trying to stop the onslaught of tears from ravaging her face. In a sense, Jo felt… Lighter. She felt like a weight was lifted off her chest and she felt so much better.

Steph sniffed again and pulled back, cradling Jo's cheek in her hand like a mother would her child's. "Are you okay?" Jo nodded her head and gave her an easy, convincing smile. "Really okay?" Jo nodded again. "I'm so sorry it happened to you… I'm sorry…" She wiped her tears. "Why didn't you tell anybody?"

Jo hesitated. Why didn't she tell anybody? Because who would believe her if she said Mike McDonald, star football player, guy who volunteers at homeless shelters and helps with the Special Olympics, raped her? Who would believe that? No one. And she'd be damned if she had anyone call her a liar after what he did to her. Besides… She was unconscious during part of it. Doesn't that mean she loses some credibility?

"I didn't think anybody would believe me," she shrugged and looked down while she played with the fringe on her blanket. "And I just wanna forget about it now."

"Do you see him? Around campus? Like often?" Steph asked and Jo didn't answer. Steph folded her arms. "Who was it, Jo? Who did it? What's his name?"

Jo hesitated again. She didn't know why, but she felt the need to lie. She didn't know why, though. She had already laid everything on the line. She told Steph that she was raped. She let her in on the most personal secret. But she couldn't tell her more than that. She just couldn't seem to tell her that her precious Mike, the guy she had a serious crush on, laid down and had sex with her lifeless, unconscious body for god knows how long.

"You don't know him…," she shook her head. "He doesn't go here anymore. I heard he transferred."

* * *

 **Wednesday, January 20, 2016**

 **8:36 a.m.**

 **iMessage**

 **Lucy:** what time do you think you'll be home tonite?

 **Alex:** Idk depends wat time I get outta here

 **Lucy:** do you have to do anything special today? like stay after?

 **Alex:** Not that ik of yet but could chnge depend on wat prof. wants me 2 do

 **Lucy:** ok. just let me know. i want to go have dinner tonite so we can talk.

 **Alex:** K. Dinner where

 **Lucy:** idk probably The Pink Palm that ok?

 **Alex:** Fine wit me

 **Lucy:** ok. sounds like a plan. love you.

 **Alex:** Luv u 2

He quickly typed out his last calculated, rehearsed response and put his phone in his back pocket. Sometimes, much like he was now, he found himself wondering if he even meant what he said. Did he love her? There was once upon a time when it wasn't even a question. There was once upon a time when he could tell her that he loved her without a second thought because he did. He loved everything about her. He loved the way she was always so damn determined to do what she set out to do, and he loved the way she accomplished anything she put her mind to. He loved the way her eyelashes fluttered when she woke up in the morning, the way she would laugh whenever he kissed her cheek. There was once upon a time when he loved her more than he even loved himself.

These days, he was unsure though. These days, love seemed like a figment of his imagination and a thing of the past. Because she changed. As soon as she started her internship and got on the way to becoming an obstetrician like she always wanted to be, she was different. She was colder these days.

When she'd come home from work after a long day, she'd bitch at him about the way he needed to help her out because she was the one with a "real" job. She'd put him down about the way she pays most of the bills. She'd make him feel like he was so much less of a man just because he wasn't as far along in his schooling as she was and somewhere along the lines, he fell out of love. He didn't love the person she was now. He didn't love the kind of bitch she turned into. He loved the way she was before. And maybe he was wrong for stringing her along. Maybe he was wrong for not voicing this to her. Maybe he was wrong for continuing to let her believe that he loved her when he didn't know if he did anymore. But somewhere in the back of his mind or deep in the bottom of his heart, he hoped she would come back.

Because he loved that person. He loved who she was. If she had stayed who she was? He would've gotten down on one knee last week and asked her to be his wife. But she wasn't that person anymore and he, for whatever reason, just couldn't see himself proposing marriage to a woman he wasn't sure if he even liked anymore, let alone loved.

He wondered what she wanted to talk about at dinner. What if she wanted to break up? _Okay, that would suck but it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would hurt and it's not what I would want but I could get over that._ He'd have to find a place to live. He'd have to find himself another apartment, one that he could afford on his own. And yes being broken up with would suck, but he would get over it. Worst case scenario, she wanted to talk about marriage again. _Then I'd have no choice but to tell her how I feel. I'd have to tell her that I feel like she changed and that too would suck._

He sighed and pushed all that from his mind, at least for eight hours. He didn't have time to think about Lucy while he was at work. If he thought about her at work and kept her on his mind all day, he'd probably end up being too distracted to properly do his job and well that, could possibly get him fired. So for eight hours, he wouldn't think about Lucy.

Only for eight hours though.

 **x x x**

"So far we've looked at hyaline cartilage, stratified squamous epithelium and pseudostratified ciliated columnar epithelium. The last one we're going to look at is compact bone, which I think we'll save for Friday since time seems to be running out on us." Dr. Leeds closed out of his PowerPoint presentation and as soon as he did, the sounds of students packing up filled the auditorium. "I expect your homework assignment to be emailed to either me or Alex by 11:00 tomorrow night, no excuses as to why it shouldn't be. We'll go over your answers on Friday in class."

As soon as Leeds stepped away from the podium, Alex knew that he was officially done teaching for the period. He scooted out of the chair he always at in at the front of the room and stood up so he could back up his briefcase and take it down to his office while he waited until 12:00 for Dr. Leeds's next class to begin. He had papers from the 12:00 class to grade and he figured that he could at least get those done while he was free and waiting.

"Just email me and let me know who emails theirs to yours. That way I can give them credit for it as I go," Dr. Leeds spoke. "If nobody emails them to you by about… 10:30 tomorrow night, let me know."

"Got it," Alex nodded his head and latched the buckles on his briefcase.

With that, Dr. Leeds hurried out of the auditorium and left all his papers in a disarray. It was another thing about him that Alex kind of liked. He was messy and unorganized but the dude was a hell of a teacher. A few straggling students still made their ways out of the auditorium and Alex picked up the stack of papers he intended to grade, as well as his can of Monster energy drink, and headed for the door so he could go down to his office.

Too preoccupied with wanting to get out of the room and move on to his next task of the day, he didn't pay attention to how close he was to the pillar, and he bumped right into it. His papers slipped out of his hand and scattered in a mess all over the floor and his drink spilled all over his t-shirt and his pants.

"Dammit," he mumbled in clear frustration and knelt down on the floor to clean up his mess. He mumbled a few more profanities under his breath and worked to shake the energy drink off the drenched papers and huddle them into a pile. His day just started and it was already crap. If this was any indication of how the rest of the day was going to go, he wanted to just hang it up and give up.

As he was still kneeling on the dark red carpet, which was soaked through with energy drink, he felt the air shift beside him and from the corner of his eye, he could see the white tip of a sneaker. He traced it to a black and white with gray leopard-printed Nike running shoe and looked up only to find that it was connected to a leg that wore black legging capris and a white sweatshirt. She knelt down beside him and helped him pick up his papers.

"Thanks…," he muttered. "You don't have to help me y'know."

"I know," she admitted, her voice soft and very friendly. "I would want someone to help me though. If I screwed up and dropped my stuff all over the floor."

"Well...thank you." He paper-clipped all of the wet assignments together and stood up. She stood up too, shaking her hands free of the sugary, sticky drink. "See you around."

"Did you want this?" She bent down and picked up the can, which was now halfway empty. "Or did you plan on tossing it?"

"Is there anything left in it?"

She shook it so he could hear the liquid sloshing around in the empty spaces. "A little."

"Just toss it. I'll grab another down in my office," he shrugged his shoulders and turned away to continue on his way now.

"You have an office?" she asked, making him stop and turn around again. "Like… An actual office? With office hours and stuff?"

"Yeah…," he nodded his head. Why wouldn't he? He was a teacher here, wasn't he? He was an assistant, and he didn't do much, but a teacher nonetheless. Was he not supposed to have an office? "Am I not supposed to have one?"

"No, I just…." she shook her head. "I didn't know they gave assistants offices. I think that's pretty neat."

"Yeah, I guess it is," he casually shrugged his shoulders. Why was she staying so late after class? Usually students were high-tailing it outta here and rushing off to their next class. Didn't she have somewhere she needed to be? "Where you headed?"

"Nowhere, really… Back to my dorm probably. Maybe I'll stop at the dining shop on my way back to grab a granola bar," she replied, pulling the straps of her backpack up on her shoulders. "I don't have another class until 11:00, so." She sighed and looked around. "Guess I'll talk to you later." She turned around and started to walk the other way.

Alex watched her as she walked. Her long brown ponytail swung hard from side to side with every step she took and she seemed to walk slowly. He didn't know if he should, but a part of him felt… Bad? Obviously this was something she did every day. Obviously she walked back to her dorm every day. But she seemed… She seemed lonely. _What the hell?_ He figured.

"Hey Jo… You're smart, aren't you?" he asked her.

She turned around again and wrinkled her brow. She didn't know how to answer that. She didn't want to seem braggy or overconfident by saying yes, but she didn't want to lie by saying no. What was she supposed to say?

"I um… I… I make okay grades," she shrugged her shoulders. "Why?"

"Wanna help me grade some papers?" he offered. Her eyes widened. "The ones I just spilled Monster all over."

"...Wouldn't that be bad?"

"You're just helping me. It's not against the rules. I'll give you a key and you just mark answers," he shrugged. "Not like you're breaking any rules. You don't have to, though. If you don't want to."

Jo looked down at the ground and nervously twisted her feet. It wasn't like she was doing anything else. She was just going to stop at the shop, grab a granola bar and an orange juice and sit in her dorm for an hour until she had to head to Protein Biochem at 11:00. She didn't have other plans. Besides… If she stayed in this building, at least she'd already be in it for when she had to go upstairs to the classroom for her next class. It all worked out.

"Sure," she nodded her head.


	8. I Wanna Know You

He shoved his keys into the lock of the door and twisted them while she waited a few paces behind for him to open it. She held onto the straps of her backpack the way she always did when she was nervous and looked around at the walls which had at one point, been painted white but were now a shade of yellow with paint chipping off. She had never been in the basement before, in all her four years of attending Princeton. She didn't even know there was a basement until she had followed Alex onto the elevator and watched him press the "down" button. It smelled like a basement though, and she hoped that maybe once they were actually inside his office the smell would subside because it was starting to give her a headache.

Alex pushed the door to his office open and turned on the light, stepping aside so that she could come in with him. She hadn't spoken a word since they got on the elevator, and he thought maybe it was because she was nervous. He didn't know much about her, but that seemed to be something she did. She didn't seem to talk much when she was nervous. He dropped his briefcase next to his desk, put the pile of papers down and pulled out his chair.

Jo dragged her feet inside the office and again, started to look around. It didn't look exactly like most of the professor offices she had ever been in, but it was close. It was smaller than a regular office and not as nicely decorated but it was nice and it didn't smell as bad as the hallway did. The carpet was stained but for the most part, it was a decent shade of brown. The walls were white painted cinderblock and his desk was against a wall, next to a gray filing cabinet. She could tell that he didn't put much effort into making it look nice but he did at least try. Next to the silver MacBook computer on top of the desk, a dish full of white lifesaver mints rested, a few brown picture frames too.

Before he sat down in his big cushioned swivel chair, he went over to the corner and grabbed a small step stool. "I know it's not the most… Ideal place, but…" he unfolded the stool and set it up in front of his desk. "You can sit there."

"Thanks." Jo shrugged her backpack off her shoulders and put it down on the floor next to the stool he gave her to sit on. "How often are you actually down here?"

"Pretty often. It's quiet...I can get some work done." He sat down in his chair and opened up his laptop. "My office is the only one down here so it's always pretty quiet...except for when the janitors come down here and start making noise. But that's only once in awhile."

"You ever get lonely down here?" Jo crossed her legs and waited for him to tell her what to do. "Being so secluded?"

"Nah not really," Alex shook his head and unclipped the stack of papers. He handed her a red pen, took the key from his top desk drawer and handed it to her. "I kinda like being alone sometimes. Gives me time to think."

"I can dig that." Jo uncapped the pen and began checking the paper at the top of the pile. "Is this really what you do all day though? Just basically sit around grading papers?"

"Something like that," Alex replied. He opened up his desk drawer and grabbed the bag of nacho cheese flavored Doritos that he kept in there. He opened them and put them on top of his desk, gearing the opening towards her. "Sometimes I gotta run tutoring sessions but you know, this is basically it. I get paid to sit down here on my computer."

"I see…," Jo scribbled a "-0" on top of the paper and moved on to the next. "..And slumming it down here with me is just a bonus?" In that instant, Alex stopped scrolling through his computer and looked directly at her. He tried not to, but he couldn't help it. He cracked a smile and let a hard laugh escape his throat. Jo laughed too, shaking her head. "I'm just saying! You get paid to sit down in a basement and be a loner...slumming it with me today must just be a bonus."

After her laughter subsided, Jo returned back to focusing on grading the papers in front of her and Alex himself went back to looking at his computer. _She's funny,_ he thought to himself. _She doesn't talk much but when she does, almost everything she says is hilarious._ She was concentrating on the task he gave her and he was busy figuring out his schedule for the rest of the week. It was quiet between the two, but it wasn't awkward. It was a little bit nerve wracking though, so Alex clicked his "iTunes" icon and put his music on shuffle just to fill the emptiness in the air.

Jo didn't seem to mind. She didn't budge when the music came on, she didn't even look up to see where it had come from. She treated it as if it was natural and moved onto another sheet of paper. Alex _was_ looking at his schedule but eventually, he found his eyes wandering over to her. She was busy drawing bright red lines across all the wrong answers and did it in such a way that it truly looked as if she was putting forth no effort in thinking about it. She was too engrossed in her own task to realize that he was looking at her, so he took her momentary lapse of attention to really look at her, for the first time. He had been in her presence on more than one occasion and spoken to her on two, but up until now, he never really truly got a good look at her.

She wore a loose-fitting, baggy white sweatshirt with the Princeton Tigers logo across the front and a pair of tight black leggings that rose up around her calves. Though her legs were crossed, he could still see part of her foot and he could tell that her feet were rather small. Her socks, what he could see of them, were really white and she seemed to be clean. It also seemed that sweatshirts and elastic pants were her usual attire. She didn't dress up often and it didn't seem like she cared to. He looked at her face. She bore a few light brown freckles on her nose, but they weren't all that noticeable. She had her hair tied up into a ponytail, but pieces of it were hanging out and she had casual side-swept bangs left down. Her hairline looked as though it started on her forehead. It looked silky and the top half was perfectly straight until the ends of her ponytail gave way to bouncy brunette curls.

She was kind of...pretty, if he did say so himself. And he didn't usually have a thing for brunettes, but she was a particularly pretty one. She had long, curled eyelashes and she didn't wear much makeup. He could see eyeliner along her bottom lid but that was it. She didn't have on concealer, no eyeshadow and no mascara. She was natural. He watched her lips part as she whispered the lyrics to the song that played and that was what pulled his attention away from her. He blinked twice and finally stopped staring.

"My name's blurry face and I don't care what you think…," she whispered so low that he wasn't meant to hear it.

Alex cleared his throat, sipped from the can of Monster he cracked open from the mini fridge beneath his desk, and unlocked his phone. Instead of tapping Lucy's conversation thread, he went to Jackson's.

 **Wednesday, January 20, 2016**

 **10:06 a.m.**

 **iMessage**

 **Alex** : Found 1.

He sent the message and locked his phone back up. He wasn't looking forward to explaining to Jackson that yes, he found a "hot" college girl but he didn't necessarily think she was. Jo was pretty and all, but he didn't really think she was "hot." Still, at least it was someone to tell Jackson. He had been asking him since their conversation at The Grease Monkey if he had found any hot college girls and the answer was always no. At least now he had someone to tell him and it wasn't a lie. Jo really was pretty.

"Do you really like Twenty One Pilots or are you one of those people that just listens to the mainstream stuff?" Jo licked her thumb and peeled the paper off the top as she moved on to check yet another one.

"I'm more into old school stuff," he admitted, finally closing his computer. "You wanna hand me a couple of those?"

Jo handed him a few papers from her stack and tucked her bangs behind her ears so they were out of her way. "If you like old school stuff then what do you know about Twenty One Pilots?"

"Heard that song on the radio on my way here last week and I liked it," he shrugged. "What is this? 21 Questions? Because if it is then I think I liked you better when you were selectively mute."

"First of all," Jo started, finally feeling comfortable enough to shove her hand down into the bag of Doritos on his desk. "I only asked you two. And second of all, you can't knock me for wanting to know more about the guy I'm sitting across the desk from and down in a basement with."

"What do you, think I'm gonna murder you?" Alex too delved into the bag of Doritos. He shoved a handful into his mouth and chomped away. "No offense," he spoke with a mouth full of chewed up food. "But if I was gonna kill you, don't you think I would've done it already?"

"Maybe you don't wanna kill me," she licked the cheesy flavoring off her thumb and put her pen down to grab more chips. "Maybe you're some kind of Hannibal Lecter… And by the end of the day I'll have to put lotion on my skin or face being hosed down."

"Well luckily for you, I'm not into brunettes," he retorted.

He resumed grading and she squinted her eyes at him. She too had never really gotten a good look at him. She'd been around him a total of two times and this was the first time she really took the time out to make herself familiar with the way he looked. His hair was neatly cut short and it was a dark shade of brown. It looked soft. His face was cleanly shaven and his eyes were low, a shade of brown that was kind of mesmerizing. Were they green? Maybe. She thought they were brown. But maybe in the right light they could pass for green. She closed her eyes and silently willed herself to stop staring at him. She regrouped, picked her own pen back up and finished grading the paper she paused in the middle of grading.

"What kind of old school stuff do you like?" she asked, scribbling the amount of questions missed at the top of the paper.

"Rock, mostly… Like Def Leppard, Led Zep, Guns 'N Roses, Kiss… Things like that." He punched a few numbers into his calculator and jotted a grade at the top of his paper. "Why're you so interested in what I listen to?"

"I dunno," she shrugged her shoulders. "I just… I don't know, I've always thought that you could tell a lot about a person by the music on their iPod."

"Oh yeah? What're you telling about me right now? What kind of drift are you catching?"

"I…," she pursed her lips together, put her pen back down and looked straight at him. "I'm beginning to think my whole entire theory is wrong because you seem pretty...dense. If all you like is death metal."

"Dense?" he snickered and took another sip of his drink. "I don't _only_ like rock. It's just my favorite. I… I like 80s stuff. I get down with 80s pop and stuff," he defended himself. "And some of the crap on the mainstream radio."

"80s pop?!" Jo held her stomach and laughed at him. "Don't tell me you're into Rick Springfield and Duran Duran."

He squinted his eyes at her and blew air out of his nostrils. "Shut up."

"Shutting up."

"You seriously don't have anything better to do than sit down here, bust my balls and eat chips?" He scribbled another grade and looked up at her. "This is seriously it for you? No other Wednesday plans?"

"This is it," Jo sighed and handed him her stack once she finished. "The highlight of my day is unfortunately hanging out with my TA," she mumbled and her cheeks got slightly red.

An easy smirk worked across Alex's face, but he didn't know why. He didn't know why he was smiling, especially when she didn't say anything funny or amusing. Maybe he was smiling because she considered what they were doing to be "hanging out." Or maybe he was smiling because...well, he was no better than her. Hanging out with one of his students was the highlight of his Wednesday too.

"What's your major, Jo?" he asked. He was sure that in the first conversation he had with her, she implied that she was a biology major but he just couldn't remember. And plus, he just wanted to have something to talk to her about. "Biology?"

"Biochem," she corrected him. "But I hate Chem."

"Really? You hate Chem?" she nodded her head and that genuinely surprised him. Most people he knew liked Chemistry but not Biology. It was rare to find someone that thought the other way around. "I was always pretty decent with Chem… What don't you like about it?"

"It's just way too ambiguous. I can't stand the way everything has a rule but there are exceptions to every rule and all that crap. Like why can't everything have one answer and that's it? Why's there have to be all these exceptions and all these reactions that undo things? It's just annoying and my brain doesn't work that way."

"Huh," he tilted his head back. "Never thought of it that way. So you're probably more of a math girl, aren't you? You like things with one answer."

"Exactly. I want to be a doctor but if I didn't, I'd want to be a Statistician. I love math. I'm good at math."

He chuckled. "That's where you and I aren't alike at all… I'm horrible at math. Probably why I decided surgery was the best way for me to go. Can't be a nurse or a PA… I'd never get the dosage calculations right and I'd end up killing someone."

Jo laughed at that and ate just one more Dorito. "I thought about being a Physician Assistant too but surgery sounds really cool. I don't know… I guess I just want to help people. I wanna fix the problems nobody else can. Is that why you chose surgery?"

"Nah, not really…," he shook his head.

"Then why did you?"

"I never really thought about it…" he admitted, his voice trailing as if it was something he was finally giving thought to. "I guess I probably chose it because it's hardcore… It's not sissy stuff, y'know? That's probably why I picked it."

She nodded her head. "And you like hardcore stuff? You're not into sissy stuff."

"Not even a little bit. Wrestled all through high school, did it in college too. Played a little football…all the rough stuff. S'not in my blood to be into sissy stuff."

For the billionth time, Jo just nodded her head. She knew she probably looked like she couldn't be any less interested in what he had to say, but it was actually the opposite. She enjoyed learning about him for some reason. Maybe she was jumping the gun just a little bit, or maybe she was reading too much into it, but she thought that maybe she and Alex could be friends at this point. She knew that he was still her authoritarian and that she was a step below him. She knew that she probably wouldn't even be talking to him if he didn't need someone to pass his work off to. But still, they were talking and he was pretty cool. He was sarcastic and a bit of a jerk at times, but on the whole he was pretty cool. They were friends, weren't they? She thought so. And because she thought they were friends, she enjoyed learning about him and what he liked and disliked. She soaked it up like a sponge at the bottom of a bucket.

She looked away from him and sighed, allowing her eyes to scan the room again. A calendar with cheap looking racecars was pinned to the wall above his desk and that was it. Nothing else decorated them. She craned her neck just a little and looked at the pictures on his desk. In the frame of one, he was in a picture with three other people. One girl had her arms wrapped around his waist and she was smiling, standing beside another man that seemed to be purposely standing an arm's length away. On the other side of him, beside the girl hugging him, a smaller woman with long, bushy blonde hair stood and her smile seemed contrived. In the other frame, it was just him and yet another blonde. This one was kissing his cheek. _Well, he didn't lie. He does seem to have a thing for blondes._

"She your girlfriend?" she motioned to the second frame with her head. "She's pretty."

Alex glanced at the frame and sighed. For a while, he wasn't even thinking about Lucy. She wasn't even on his mind even though her picture was staring at him. He was just able to forget her. But of course now, she was the topic of conversation again. He nodded his head slowly.

"Yep. That's Luce. Been with her for a year and some change," he sighed again. "She is pretty, huh?"

"Very," she agreed. "How'd you meet her?" As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she immediately wished they hadn't. She bit down on her lip to silently chastise herself for being so nosy and rude and actively felt her cheeks redden. "You don't have to answer that."

Alex watched her cheeks flush with embarrassment and noticed a tiny brown dot beside her bottom lip. Every time he looked at her, he noticed something different. Last time, he noticed that she had baby hairs that came down past her ear. The time before that, he noticed that her top teeth were perfectly straight while the bottom ones were just a little bit crooked. This time it was a freckle beside her mouth. Every time it was something new.

"I met her last year in school," he replied as if she asked him the most normal thing anyone could ask a person. "She was doing her research project and she came into my lab to collect some data from my group. She's uh… She's a year ahead of me, so she's already interning up at University Hospital. She wants to be an OB."

"She sounds great," Jo's eyebrows raised. She was genuinely impressed. "Power couple… She's already a doctor and you're gonna be one too… Sheesh."

Alex laughed. "I guess you could say that…," he turned the picture of Lucy towards him a little more and looked at it. Damn, he missed the person she used to be. Damn, he wanted her to come back. He looked back at Jo and stared at the freckle beside her mouth again. "What about you? What's your boyfriend like?"

Jo cracked a smile and swallowed a laugh. "My boyfriend? He's pretty… He's pretty nonexistent."

Alex couldn't help but laugh at the way she said it so casually. "My fault… I just… I just assumed. Sorry 'bout that."

Jo shook her head. "Don't worry about it. It's alright. But I haven't had a boyfriend since… God… It's been since like… High school, I think."

"Really?!" he exclaimed and didn't even bother to hide the fact that he was genuinely shocked.

He almost didn't believe her. She had to be lying, right? Okay so he knew that looks weren't everything, which is exactly why he was so shocked! It wasn't like Jo was ugly because God help him, she wasn't. She was far from it. And when he thought about other reasons as to why she could've been single for so long, they didn't seem plausible either. Usually when girls were pretty, they had a bitch personality to accompany that, which was usually why so many of them were single. But Jo? She seemed really cool. So why was she single? It had to be by choice.

"Yeah," Jo answered as if it truly wasn't a big deal. "I don't really have time for boyfriends, you know? Between school and work, I don't really have time."

"You have a job?"

"Mhm," she nodded. "You know the Caribou Cafe? Across town?"

"Yeah," Alex nodded back. "Me and this dude I know used to sit in there and do homework sometimes. To use the free Wi-Fi, mostly."

"Yeah, well I work there. I waitress there… Haven't been getting many hours lately but that's where I work."

"I'll have to stop in and bother you sometime...complain to your manager about how slow your service is, you know?" he winked at her.

"I'll spit in your coffee," she countered him.

"I'll get you fired," he shrugged.

"Go ahead!" Jo threw her hands up and laughed. "I hate my job! Please get me fired!"

Alex shook his head at her like he couldn't believe that she would say that but internally, he was somewhat amazed by her. She was just so...easy to talk to. For a minute, he found himself forgetting that she was indeed one of his students and the only reason he invited her down here was to help him grade papers. In some ways, she reminded him of himself. The way she always seemed to have a smart ass remark for everything, the way almost everything that came out of her mouth was laced with sarcasm, and the way she could just so easily laugh about things that probably weren't funny. She was like the female version of himself and well… He had never met anyone quite like that before.

All of a sudden, his phone buzzed on the desk in front of him and lit up as a text message was delivered to it. He glanced down at it and the first thing he noted was the time. It was 10:53. They had been talking to an entire hour.

"Don't you have class at 11:00?" he asked her and immediately her face fell. She clearly forgot. "It's 10:53."

"Crap," she mumbled and stood up. When she stood up, she finally felt the pain in her butt from having sat for an entire hour on nothing but a step stool, and she winced when she felt how sore she was. Still, she bent down and hoisted her backpack over her shoulders. "Next time…," she gritted her teeth through the soreness in her tailbone. "You sit on the stool and I get the chair."

"Next time?" He raised his eyebrows. "You mean you're up to come hole yourself up in a basement with me and do my busywork again sometime?"

"Yeah," she shrugged her shoulders and nodded her head at the same time. "Why not? I have an hour break between classes every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Might as well, right? Nothing else better to do."

"So I'll see you Friday? You'll check my papers Friday?"

"Same time, same place?" she asked.

"Same time, same place," he confirmed with a slight nod of his head.

"Should I bring breakfast? You… You supplied the food this time…," she offered and she knew she probably sounded desperate and in a sense, maybe she was. But Alex was her friend now and well… She wasn't in any position to pass up or turn down a friend. The only one she had was Stephanie. Sure there was Heather and there was Leah, Shane and Isaac too if she counted him, but they weren't really her friends. They were all more Steph's friends than they were hers, with the exception of Isaac. Okay, so she knew that she and Alex couldn't be friend-friends. She would never be able to invite him back to her dorm to hang out and she would never be able to go back to his house to watch a movie like most friends did. He was her teacher, for crying out loud. But she could offer breakfast, right? That was the least she could do?

"Breakfast sounds… Good," he nodded again. "How 'bout if I bring the coffee?"

"Make it orange juice."

"Orange juice it is. I'll grab a gallon of it on my way in."

"Sounds good. You like donuts? I can bring… You know like a bag of them? Of those mini ones? I've got the chocolate ones up in my dorm if you like those."

"Fine with me."

"Okay," she smiled at him, the smile coming from genuine excitement and nodded her head. "Well I'll… I'll see you Friday, Alex."

"See you," he mumbled back, picking up his phone as soon as he heard his office door shut behind her. He finally checked the text message that Jackson had finally replied back and smirked when he read it.

 **Wednesday, January 20, 2016**

 **10:53 a.m.**

 **iMessage**

 **Jackson** : Nice! She gotta name? She hot? What she look like?

 **10:56 a.m.**

 **Alex** : Name Jo yes shes hott n she got brown hair brown eyes but pretty as hell

He couldn't help but chuckle when he tapped the blue "send" button. First of all, he loved how Jackson automatically knew what he meant when all he did was say "found one" in the first place. Secondly, he couldn't believe that he was talking about Jo like that with Jackson. But more so than that, he couldn't believe that he didn't have an issue with calling her "hott." Maybe it meant that he actually meant it.

He didn't know, though.


	9. Under Pressure

His fingertips grazed the backside of her palm when he reached out and scooted the roll of silverware over to him and he let them stay there for a moment before moving them. How come he didn't feel anything? He didn't know, but it was strange. Usually whenever he touched her skin, electric currents shot through his body and made him tingle. Like he dragged his feet across the carpet and shocked her when they touched. That was typically something that happened. But not this time. This time, he felt nothing. He pulled his hand away, wondering if she felt the sparks at all.

The aroma of decadent tomato sauce and potent Parmesan cheese filled his nostrils and made his stomach growl, and he inched the glass salt and pepper shakers over as well. He felt goosebumps raise up on his arms and the hairs on the back of his neck stand up on end, but he figured it was due to the fact that they were seated next to a window and maybe there was a draft coming in.

All day, he was dreading having to sit here across the table from her. He was dreading having to look her eye to eye and remain that way until they were finished eating their dinner. When he packed up his briefcase for the day and locked the door to his office, his mind was rushing and racing with long-shot attempts at finding reasons as to why he couldn't come. Flat tire? No, she'd come and pick him up. Wasn't feeling well? No, she'd actually go out and get him medicine. Say he had a bunch of work to do? No, that would start an argument. All his attempts came up dry.

So here he sat, his butt sinking into a memory-foam cushion, his socks wet inside his shoes from trudging through snow, and his stomach rumbling. Across the way, Lucy was twirling her fork around in a mound of white fettuccine noodles and concentrating on getting enough on her fork. Alex watched her for a few uninterrupted moments as he unwrapped his own fork. He was starting to wonder exactly why she wanted to have dinner tonight. She said she wanted to talk to him about something. What was that something?

He finally freed his fork from the cloth napkin it was wrapped in and plunged it into his platter of chicken Parmesan. He could almost hear what she was going to say next, whenever she swallowed her mouthful of pasta once she chewed and swallowed it. Sometimes, their conversations were just that predictable and he knew almost for certain that she was going to end up asking him how his day was, because she hadn't yet. They had been sitting at the table for almost half an hour now and she hadn't asked him yet, so he knew it was coming.

Since he knew what she was going to say, as he shoveled the chicken, sauce and spaghetti noodles into his mouth, he constructed a response. _Fine_ , he'd say. _It was_ _fine. I checked a few papers down in my office today and sat through three lectures. The usual._ He'd sugarcoat his day. He'd make it sound like it was uneventful because well, it was. Nothing happened. But most of all, leave out the part about Jo. Not because he was guilty of doing anything with her because truly, he hadn't. But mostly because he just didn't feel like hearing Lucy's mouth and surely she'd have something to say about him hanging out with a girl. She was one of those girlfriends. One of the ones that didn't think her boyfriend should hang out with other women no matter what. He hated that about her.

Properly, with her lips clasped neatly together, Lucy chewed her mouthful of food and convincingly kept a straight face. Her face was iron, barely readable, but inside her head was reeling. She had things she wanted to talk to him about; important things, and she wasn't quite sure how to bring them up. Asking him about his day would be a conversation starter. Asking him how his day went was a slow but sure way to propel them both into the larger topic of why they were here in the first place.

"So how was your day, baby?" she asked as soon as her food cleared her windpipe. "Anything cool, new or exciting?"

"Not really," Alex mumbled, shoveling his fork into his mouth. Internally, but not outwardly, he was smiling. Smiling at the fact that he still knew her well enough to accurately predict what she was going to say. He opened his mouth and as he expected, his cool, calculated response rolled smoothly off his tongue. "Graded a few papers, sat down in my office for a few hours, listened to a few lectures and came here." He swallowed and licked his lips. "Yours?"

"Same old thing," Lucy leisurely shrugged her shoulders and stabbed at a piece of grilled chicken. "Assisted on a C-Section." She blew on her food to cool it down and cleared her throat, preparing to finally lay down the reason she wanted to speak to Alex so badly over dinner. "So… You remember last month? When we were talking about maybe getting a bigger place?"

Alex absentmindedly and unknowingly held his breath. It wasn't what he expected her to talk about. It wasn't at all what he expected her to say. Admittedly, he was actually expecting her to say something about either marriage or wanting to break up or both. In his mind, what he came up with was the furthest thing from what she said. He figured she'd say something along the lines of, "Do you really not want to get married? What am I doing with you? Am I wasting my time? This isn't working out, Alex." It was the worst case scenario but these days, that was all he'd ever prepared for.

And if he was being honest… He wished that the worst case scenario was actually the case. He'd much rather talk about a breakup than what she was getting ready to drag him into.

"Uh-huh," he looked down at his plate, pretending to be incredibly interested in his chicken Parmesan.

"Well how do you feel about that? You still wanna do it? Because I-"

"I dunno, Luce." Clearly growing increasingly uncomfortable with the conversation, he picked up the shaker full of grated cheese and gently shook it over his plate. "I dunno if I can afford that yet and I don't get my first-"

"Yeah but Alex…," Lucy interrupted him. She hurriedly dug into her purse as if she had been waiting the entire time to do so, producing a folded-up, wrinkled piece of newspaper. She unfolded it, smoothed it out and slid it across the table so he could see the small box that she circled underneath the "FOR RENT" section. "This one is $675 a month. I think we could do it. It's got three bedroom and two and a half bathrooms."

Alex reluctantly picked up the paper and brought it closer to his face so he could read it. "Why the hell do we need three bedrooms? What's wrong with this one bedroom? One bedroom, two bathrooms, $520 a month. What's wrong with that? $520 a month, that's $260 apiece as opposed to what? Like 340 apiece with the $675? We don't need three bedrooms."

"Well it's rent-to-own, first of all. Which means we could eventually pay it-"

"I know what rent-to-own means," he mumbled.

Lucy clenched her jaw and took a deep breath, actively trying to maintain her composure. Underneath the table, her hands bawled themselves into fists and shook for a few moments before she released them. She hated when he acted like this. This was easily the most frustrating thing about Alex. He constantly acted like he wasn't interested in growing up. How could he not think about his future? Didn't he have any goals? A plan for how he wanted his life to go? He was 26 years old for crying out loud!

"I really think we should consider it. We don't need three bedrooms _now_ , but eventually… And if we're renting to own, we don't have to worry about mortgage and actually buying it until we're ready. But at least that option is there. Because if we start now… Let's say we move into a one bedroom house. We're gonna have to move in a few years anyway once we start having kids."

Alex closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Why are we talking about kids?"

"Because I see myself with kids someday and-"

"Okay yeah, but why are we talking about them right now? At this moment in time, why are we talking about kids?"

"Because I _want_ kids, Alex!"

"So do I, but we have _years_ before we even have to-"

"Years?! Years?! How long do you think I plan on waiting to have kids, Alex? How long do you think I'm gonna sit around and wait? I want at least two and-"

"But I told you…," his voice trailed off and he blew a harsh breath out through his nostrils, attempting to keep his anger at a manageable level so they didn't end up giving the rest of the restaurant a show. "I told you that I don't want to bring kids into the world until I'm established. If you don't want to wait for that then… Then I just don't know." He shrugged his shoulders.

"I know all that, Alex. I know. But I'm thinking ahead and you're not. I'm thinking about the next step for us. What is the next step? You're clearly not ready to propose to me and we're not going to have a baby anytime soon. So now what? Are we just gonna keep going on like this? Are we never going to progress? Are we just gonna keep living in a one bedroom apartment until you're ready? I'm ready, but you're not. What's the next step for us?"

"I don't know," he mumbled again.

Lucy sat back, folded her arms across her chest and looked at him incredulously. She wanted to get up. She wanted to yell, to scream, to just reach across the table and slap him until he finally got her point. What the hell was his problem?! How was he so okay with just remaining at a standstill? How could he just not care about furthering their relationship? Sometimes she just really, truly didn't get Alex.

Alex sighed, displeased with the now awkward tension in the air, and used the flat side of his fork to cut a piece off his breaded chicken breast.

It wasn't that he didn't want to marry and have kids with Lucy. That wasn't it at all. He was just like her in that sense. When he imagined where he'd be in ten or fifteen years, he always saw himself married with children. Maybe he'd coach the little league soccer team and maybe he'd be the type of dad that let his daughter paint his fingernails. He didn't know what kind of dad he'd be, but the point was that he always saw himself being one. He wanted kids and a family just as much as she did. It was just that… Well… He didn't think they were ready for that and jumping into things never worked. Lucy should've trusted him on that. He was living, walking, breathing proof that jumping into things never worked.

The last time he jumped into something, it ended with him almost dropping out of college during his junior year of it and he wasn't about to let that happen again. Why couldn't Lucy just understand that they needed to be ready? They needed to be ready. They needed to master this stage of their relationship before they moved onto the next and let's face it, they were far from mastering it. Mastering it meant that she didn't find herself insanely jealous when he would tell her that he was hanging around other women. Mastering it wasn't the way she'd constantly berate and degrade him for not making as much money as he did and to him, mastering it wasn't the way she'd expect him to drop everything and not have a social life. That wasn't mastering it.

He'd been burned before. Burned pretty bad, in fact. And he felt pretty strongly about being ready before he made another mistake like the one he made before. Maybe Lucy didn't get it. Maybe she just really didn't understand it, and if that was the case then really, could he blame her? Probably not. But if she didn't get it then pressuring him into doing things surely wasn't the way to go.

Maybe she just didn't know him. They'd been together for a while now and he always figured that she knew enough about him at this point. But maybe she really didn't get it. Maybe she really didn't get the kind of person he was. Because if she did… If she really knew him as much as she ought to… She'd know that pressuring him into something was almost a guaranteed way to get him to _not_ to something. In fact, pressure was a way to make him hate her. Didn't she get that?

He scooted his glass of diet Dr. Pepper over to him and took a long, drowned out sip before belching quietly and meeting Lucy's eyes with his own. He wiped his lips with the backside of his hand and sighed for the umpteenth time.

"Where's the house at?" The tone of his voice was whispered, defeated almost. "When can we go take a look at it?"

At this, Lucy sat upright in her section of the booth and beamed. "Thank you baby! Thank you, thank you!"

Alex just nodded his head. He just hoped he wouldn't regret it.

* * *

Jo sucked her teeth and slammed her drawer shut, clearly irritated with something and rightfully so. It was the third drawer she checked and still nothing. Surely her shirt didn't just disappear. It was around here somewhere but she had no idea where. Once again, she yanked open her underwear drawer and hurriedly sifted through it.

Stephanie pulled aside the zebra print curtains and wandered into the bedroom, wrinkling her eyebrows at the sight of her best friend wearing nothing but a pair of denim blue jeans and a black lace bra. For a moment, she caught herself staring. Not that she was physically attracted to Jo, but she couldn't help but gawk. Not at the fact that she was almost naked from the waist up. But at the way she was just so...effortlessly pretty. Her hair was tied back in a lazy, leisure ponytail and still flowing in pretty curls all down her back. And her body… Damn, did Jo have the perfect body. Her jeans hugged her hips in the right places and even without dieting and going to the gym every single day, she didn't have love handles or stretch marks. Jo was perfect and well… It just wasn't fair.

She ran her fingers through her own kinky, curly hair and flopped down on her bed. "Looking for something?"

"I can't find my work shirt," Jo mumbled and continued sifting through her drawers. "Have you seen it?"

"Which one? The dark green one?"

"Either one," Jo shrugged. "The brown one or the green one, I don't care. But I can't find either one and my shift starts in twenty minutes."

"You work today?" Stephanie raised her eyebrow. "I thought you said you didn't have any hours this week either."

"I didn't, but Hunter asked me if I could pick up her shift and I wasn't going to turn down money." From the back of her drawer, she yanked out the most wrinkled, chocolate brown polo shirt ever and shook it in hopes of getting some of the wrinkles out. "It's a five hour shift so my paycheck will be crappy but hopefully I'll get some tips," she tugged the shirt over her head and smoothed it down a little more since she just didn't have time to run an iron over it. "What's wrong with you?"

"Hmm?" Steph looked at her. "Nothing. I'm really tired today for some reason."

"So go to bed early," Jo shrugged her shoulders and stomped her feet into her black sneakers. "What's stopping you?"

"Mike's coming over in an hour. We still have to work on our proposal before Hendrixson eats us alive tomorrow if we don't have it done."

Jo turned her nose up and yanked her beautiful brunette hair from the ponytail she had it in. She picked up the brush hanging off the side of her dresser and combed it through. "I thought you went over his place late last night and finished it."

"We didn't do much working on the project," Steph mumbled.

Jo felt her stomach drop, just like that. She froze mid-brush and instead of the downright nausea she usually felt whenever Mike's name was mentioned, she felt anger in place of it. Disgust, even. She resisted the urge to take her brush and crack Stephanie upside the head with it. _It's not her fault_ , she remembered. _She doesn't know what he is._

"You had sex with him?" She dropped her brush on the floor and instead, took her anger out by forcibly yanking her hair up into another ponytail so hard that she should probably be bald. "You had sex with Mike yesterday?"

"No," Steph shook her head. "Made out…for like half an hour straight. Probably would've, but y'know, Aunt Flo's in town."

"Oh," Jo felt relief wash over her, but not much. She still couldn't believe that it was something Steph would consider. "Good," she mumbled under her breath.

"Huh?"

"What?"

"You said something… What'd you say?"

"Hmm?" Jo raised her eyebrow. "Nothing. I didn't say anything." She shoved her arms through the sleeves of the heaviest jacket she owned and quickly zipped it.

"You said good." Stephanie sat upright and pressed. "I heard you."

"Then why'd you ask me to repeat myself?"

"Because I hoped I heard you wrong," Stephanie's tone descended into flat-out irritation. "I hoped you didn't say that."

"Well… You didn't."

"What the hell is your problem?" She folded her arms across her chest and bit her lip. "Seriously Jo, what the hell is your issue? Every time I tell you I'm hanging out with Mike, you get all quiet and smart-mouthed."

"No I don't," she lied, just trying to shrug it off.

"Yeah… You do. I mean seriously, if you have a problem with him now would be the time to say it. It'd be real screwed up if you did. I never get jealous of you whenever you-"

" _Jealous_?" Jo raised both her eyebrows and her eyes widened. "You think I'm jealous? Of you? Hanging out with Mike?"

"Well it sure seems that way with the way you always-"

"I'm not jealous of you, Stephanie." Jo took a deep breath and rolled her eyes. "Look, I just want you to… Just be careful with him, is all. He… He rubs me the wrong way, I guess." She shrugged her shoulders again and picked up her purse. "Just be careful." _Just tell her. She deserves to know. She deserves to know. Just tell her. It doesn't have to be some big reveal. Just let her know what he did and go to work. Tell her._ "Mike… He's… He's-"

"I know what you think, Jo," Steph rolled her eyes and didn't even let her finish. "Mike McDonald can't possibly be interested in one girl. He's everything. Football team, volunteer, most popular guy here. I know. You think he's a jerk. But… He's not. He's really sweet when you get to know him and I think you'd like him if you gave him the chance."

Jo pursed her lips together and took a breath in through her nose. She just shook her head. "Whatever," she turned around and fiddled with the zipper on her jacket. "Don't wait up for me. I'll take my key. I should be back around ten."

"Wait, Jo," Steph stood up. Jo stopped in her tracks and turned around, trying to ward off any frustrated tears that were threatening to reveal themselves. "I've been meaning to ask you… Where were you today? I came back to the dorm after running down to the cafe… After histology this morning. You weren't here… Where were you?"

"Oh, I was just hanging around down in Alex's office. I didn't really see the point in coming back when I had to be in that same building in an hour anyway. So I just hung around with him."

"Alex? As in… As in our TA?"

"Uh-huh," Jo nodded her head. "He's kinda cool."

"What did you… Do?" Steph seemed genuinely confused. "Was he down there with you?"

"Mhm."

"And you just sat down there with him? In his office? Just the two of you?"

"Uh… Yeah?"

"What did you even do? What did you even talk to him about?"

Jo grinned and shook her head. "We just sat around eating chips. I helped him grade a couple papers. He's cool like that."

"Teacher's pet."

"It's not like that. It was just somewhere to hang out so I didn't have to walk back to the dorm." Jo glanced at the clock on her dresser and sighed. "I gotta get going. I'll be back later."

"See you, Jo."


	10. Wide Awake

Sighing when she saw that her gas gauge was just a few centimeters above the red "E" tick mark, Jo pulled her keys from her ignition and slammed the door shut behind her as she dragged her very tired feet across the muddy concrete and to the gas station's entrance. She couldn't remember the last time she had ever been as tired as she was, but she knew it had been a pretty long time. She could barely keep her eyes open, her entire body felt as though it was going limp and she even found herself nodding off behind the wheel of the car when she drove. She needed to get back to campus and get back to campus quick.

She pulled the heavy glass door open and shuffled inside the small, cramped up Texaco station, stuffing her hand into the back pocket of her blue jeans to grab her money. She didn't make much money tonight, but it would have to be enough to at least graze the bottom of her gas tank because it was all she had until Sunday, which was both payday and the next time she had a shift to work. She unfolded the only five dollar bill she had been tipped tonight, uncrinkled a few loose dollar bills and slid it across the counter at the greasy looking cashier.

"Eight on pump three, please," she asked with the most polite voice she could conjure up but secretly, she was embarrassed. Eight bucks was all she could afford to put in her gas tank and she knew that it would barely even move the gauge an inch. She knew she probably didn't need to be embarrassed because well, she was sure that the cashier had probably seen worse, but she was anyway. "Thank you." She crumbled up the receipt when he handed it to her and hurried out of the station.

The more she thought about it, the more she realized what a long day it was. She got up at 8:00 to make it to her 9:00 class and she had been running around ever since. No wonder she was exhausted. She still needed to take a shower when she got back into her dorm though, and she needed to eat because even though she was around food all day at the cafe, she didn't actually eat anything. Her stomach was rumbling just a bit, her eyes were heavy and she wanted nothing more than to be curled up in her bed underneath her blankets.

She softly banged the pump on the side of her tank to get the last of the gas out of it and hung it back up on the rack before clambering back into her car and revving up the engine once more. Carefully, she eased out of the gas station's lot, put her turn signal on and drove a decent pace down the road to get back on campus. If Steph was in the car with her, she'd make fun of her for sure. She'd definitely tease her for the way she always drove so carefully. _The speed limit is 25, Jo. Why are you only going 15?_ She would say. _Don't you know you can get a ticket for driving too slow?_

The corners of her mouth turned up into a grin as the thought crossed her mind. Most people would probably get annoyed with the way Stephanie constantly bashed their driving. Most people would probably scream at her and tell her to shut up. But Jo never did. She always found it kind of humorous to a certain extent. Maybe her sense of humor was just crude, but it was probably due to the fact that driving slow was somewhat of her own personal inside joke. Steph didn't know that the reason Jo always drove so slowly was because she didn't have insurance. Okay so maybe the fact that she couldn't afford car insurance wasn't so funny but it was always enough to make Jo laugh. Then again, she tended to laugh at things that weren't necessarily funny at times. Probably because it was the only way she knew how to cope. Laughter was a sure way to hide pain. Nobody ever suspected the goofy girl with the wicked sense of humor was actually a foster child. So she would laugh. It was a distractor. She was a firm believer in that.

Finally, she turned her steering wheel and eased into the parking lot back on campus. As she always did when she pulled into an empty parking slot, she silently thanked God that she was a senior. Nobody realized what a relief it was to be able to park near the residence halls until they actually had a car on campus. Jo had a car since freshman year and damn did she remember how much of an actual inconvenience it used to be. Sure it was convenient for if she and Stephanie ever needed to run down to Target for groceries. And it came in handy when they were bored on a Friday night and wanted to go catch a movie down at the discount cinema. But those things were the _only_ things having a car on campus was good for, especially as a freshman.

Freshman had to park all the way down by the library in the freshman lots and Jo lost count how many times she had to walk literally twenty minutes back to her dorm from the freshman lots. Sophomore year, it was easier. Sophomore parking was near the sorority and fraternity buildings, which was still a bit of a walk but nowhere near as far as the freshman lots. Junior parking was even closer, down by the union building and the mailrooms. But senior parking? Oh, senior parking was what she lived for. Senior parking was right there. Right next to the residence halls. All she had to do was cut through Dod's walkway, walk up a small path and she was there. Damn, it was good to finally be a senior.

She locked her car doors, shut them behind her and tucked her hands deep into the pockets of her jacket, gearing her head down towards the ground as she walked. She hadn't looked at the time in a while, but she knew that it was somewhere around 10:30 or 11:00. She clocked out of work at 10:15 so it wasn't too much after that, she figured. Which was good for her. It meant that Steph would be showered and out of her way when she walked through the doors. It meant that she would be able to walk through the door, take her clothes off, hop right in the shower, eat a quick bowl of cereal and be off to sleep.

She scanned her student ID card in front of the scanner, waited for the door to beep and yanked it open. She expelled the last bit of energy she had by lightly jogging up the flight of steps that led her up to her and Steph's floor and when she got to their door, she held onto the wall and slipped her feet out of her shoes so they could stay out in the hallway for the night to dry.

She pulled her keychain from her pocket and pushed her key into the lock. She wasn't sure if Steph would already be sleeping or not, so just to be safe, she slowly opened the door and quietly padded her way into the dorm. It was dead silent, so she was pretty sure that Steph was probably asleep already, which wasn't unusual. Steph usually knocked out around this hour if she was particularly sleepy. On average, she and Jo would both go to sleep around 12:30 every night but there were some days that were just strenuous.

Jo held onto the wall for a moment, allowing her eyes a second to adjust. It was pitch black in the dorm, too. The only light came from the orange fluorescent numbers from the clock on the microwave, but Jo wouldn't dare turn one on. She knew how annoying it was when Steph would turn on lights while she was sleeping. So she blindly made her way back to their curtain and pulled it apart. When she walked into their bedroom across the usually barren carpet, she caught herself tripping over something in the middle of the floor and wrinkled her brow as her hip collided with her desk.

"Crap," she whispered to herself and silently hoped that she hadn't disturbed Steph.

A loud stir came from the bed in the corner, opposite the one her own bed resided in and a low, murmured voice came from the mound of blankets that moved around on top of it.

"Oh shit, Jo? Is that you?" Stephanie's voice was breathy.

Jo stopped dead in her tracks like a deer caught in headlights, feeling guilty and held her breath. _Damn. I didn't mean to wake her._ She licked her lips and tucked her hair behind her ears before finally allowing herself to distribute her weight evenly since it seemed that Steph was awake and nothing else she did would change it. As if Stephanie could see her through the darkness, Jo nodded her head.

"Yeah," she admitted. "It's me. Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I tried to be quiet but I tripped…"

Stephanie was silent for a few awkward, tense moments before a loud, playful giggle elicited from her mouth. Jo felt her way to her bed through the darkness, admittedly confused by the way Steph didn't even seen groggy. She was laughing, which wasn't typical for anyone that had just been awoken from a dead slumber, but more than anything, Stephanie. Steph was usually so incredibly cranky when she was woken up.

"Were you already up?" Jo wondered.

Steph laughed again, clearly not at anything Jo said and stirred in her bed a little more. "Yeah…" Her voice was distracted when she answered Jo this time. "Something like that…," she laughed again, more of a high-pitched shriek than an actual laugh this time. "Hey Jo… Can you go into the living room for a minute?" After she said that, Jo could finally hear another laugh, a deeper one, coming from underneath the covers and she immediately got up. It was clear that Steph had company and she had walked in on something she wasn't supposed to.

"Sorry," Jo mumbled and hurried out of the room when she got the picture.

She fumbled into the kitchen and turned on the light, shaking her head and actively trying to get the image and sound of what she walked into out of her head. That wasn't a first, but it was still awkward as hell and it never got any easier to deal with when it happened. She wasn't mad… She was just embarrassed and well, she wished Steph had at least texted her and let her know that she had company so she could've prepared a little better. Surely she wouldn't have gone in the bedroom had she known.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts and pulled her dirty, coffee and crumb cake-covered Polo shirt over her head. She tossed it on the counter so she wouldn't forget to wash it and carried on around the kitchen in the gray camisole she wore underneath her work shirt today.

Sighing, Jo opened up the fridge and took the two-gallon container of milk out of it. She stood on her tiptoes and grabbed a plastic blue bowl. She wanted to shower before she ate but it wasn't a big deal to do things in reverse. That way Steph could finish with her company while she ate out in the living room. No harm done. She dumped almost half the box of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios into her bowl, countered it with some milk, slid a spoon into it and carried it to the couch.

She knew that once her company was gone, Steph would come out and apologize profusely but it would be more out of embarrassment because it truly wasn't a big deal for Jo to have walked in on what she walked in on. It wasn't the first time it had happened and it most likely wouldn't be the last either. Hell, even she had been on the receiving end. It's just the way things worked. They shared one bedroom and they both have had their fair share of boys while at college. Granted, the first and last time Stephanie had ever walked in on Jo was sophomore year and she didn't see anything because she had her shirt on _and_ she was on top _and_ covered with blankets, but still. It was the kind of thing that just happened if they were being absentminded and careless. And even though it was the third time that she had barged in on Stephanie like this, it never got any easier.

 _At least she's getting laid_ , Jo sighed to herself and shoveled another spoonful of cereal into her mouth. She stared blankly at the wall while she chewed and lost herself in her thoughts and also just a bit of jealousy. _It's been what… Six months since I've gotten any? Well… Three, but I don't really count that. You aren't supposed to count that, are you? I mean technically it was sex… He was on top of me and all that but… I was unconscious and I don't really remember actually having it. Do you count rapes? As actual sex? Good question._ She licked her lips and ate another spoonful. _Six months since I've done anything willingly and three months since I've done anything unwillingly. Damn she's lucky._

She leaned forward and put the now-empty bowl on the coffee table, covering her mouth as a slight belch escaped it. She sat back on the couch and yawned, still staring at the wall. _I wish I was a slut. One of those real easy sluts that didn't care who climbed on top of them? Because if I was, I'd have sex. I'd go sit down in the cafeteria and hit on every cute guy I saw until one of them took me back to their dorm. I need that. I miss sex. Why am I not a slut? Why is my mind just wired so that I can't be one? Because I can't. I physically can't be a slut. I don't know how girls do it because I can't._ She poked her lip out. _I miss sex._

Truthfully, for a while now, she'd been wondering if she could even have it. She wasn't a virgin. She hadn't been one since freshman year of college and that happened at the third frat party she had ever gone to. The guy was nice and they talked for a few days after it happened before they both mutually decided that they'd work as friends. So it wasn't that she was scared to have sex, because she wasn't. She wasn't a virgin. But she had never really tried since _it_ happened. She wanted to get back into having sex normally. She wasn't a prude and like most girls her age, she enjoyed it with the right person. She missed it. Craved it, even. But...What if that was all she saw? What if when the next genuinely nice guy tried to get on top of her, all she could see was his face? What if she couldn't have sex anymore? What if he… Broke her?

From the corner of her eye, she saw the black and white curtain part, which killed her thoughts and seemingly made them disperse, just like that, in a puff of thin air. With the thoughts of sex the furthest things from her mind now, she turned her head and watched for the person that was enjoying her roommate to come out.

And come out, he did.

He appeared from behind the curtain , wriggling his blue jeans up on his waist and zipping the zipper. A smug, satisfied grin plastered across his face, his shirt hanging over his shoulder. His hair was wild and spinning off in a million directions and his temples were still sweaty.

She swallowed slowly and just looked away from him, pretending to be suddenly interested in what was on her phone. She felt like someone had opened up the back of her tank top and dumped ice cold water down the back of it. She had goosebumps, the hairs on her neck and her arms were standing up on all ends and instead of the nausea that usually ran its way through her body when she saw his face, she felt something different. She felt anger. Anger for the fact that he was in her dorm, anger for the fact that he had that devilish little grin on his face, anger for the fact that Stephanie was dumb enough to sleep with him and mostly? Disgust. Disgust for the fact that maybe… Just maybe… That's what he looked like when he was done with her. Maybe he wore that same grin and those same beads of sweat on his head while she laid on his bed, unconscious and unwilling.

Chomping loudly and obnoxiously on a wad of mint-flavored chewing gum, Mike pulled his shirt over his head and sauntered over to the door, where his sneakers were lying. Jo continued to ignore him, to look at her phone, but she could feel his eyes. She could feel him looking at her and the prospect of that almost made her vomit up every last bit and piece of the cereal she just ate. Slowly, almost fearfully, she lifted her head away from her phone and roamed her eyes over to the door that he stood beside.

He kept chewing his gum and gave her a menacing, haunting, bone-chilling smile. Jo looked back at her phone and shifted uncomfortably.

"Hey Jo," he said to her. His voice was so smooth when it left his throat that it felt like buttermilk when it slithered into her ears. She tensed on the couch when she saw him, out of the corner of her eye, approaching her. "How come you never talk to me when I come over?"

Jo clenched her jaw and turned away from him, subtly trying to shield her chest. Her breasts weren't that big. She was a solid b-cup in a push-up bra. But they were big enough to weigh down the tank top she was wearing and she didn't want him to see her. Sure enough though, Mike's eyes went straight to her chest.

"I was just telling Steph that I don't think you like me much. You don't, do you?" She remained silent. "Well that's a shame. 'Cause I always thought you and me would have a whole lot of fun together." He laid his hand on her leg and with that, Jo gasped and slid away from him. "Hey, hey. Relax. Take it easy… You had a crumb," he presented a fairly large piece of Cheerio to her when he took his hand away. Jo's eyes were filled with tears but ones she wouldn't dare let spill over. Not in front of him, at least. "Geez, you're so intense all the time. Why are you so tense?"

 _Please go away. Just… Just go away._ She didn't know why he made her so…off. Every single time he came around, it was like he took a chunk of her brain. When he was around, everything was impossible. Opening her mouth, screaming, saying a word, blinking, breathing… It all seemed so impossible. Why did he make her so crazy? She hated that. She hated that he had that much control over her but the sad truth was that he did. He possessed the power to shut her off with just being around.

"You really ought to loosen up and stop being so tense all the time," he flung the crumb onto the floor, shook his head and stumbled back over to the door. "Night Jo."

As soon as the door slammed shut behind him, she felt every nerve in her body just unhinge and for the first time in what seemed like hours, she took a breath. Behind her eye, she could feel a headache emerging and with one blink, all the tears came rushing down her face. As if someone lit a fire under her rear end, she sprung up off the couch, nearly ran to the curtain, pulled it aside, pushed the bathroom door open and slammed it shut behind her.

"Jo?!" Stephanie, who was still recovering from what she was doing no less than twenty minutes ago, stood up off her bed. She pinned her wildly curly, now sweaty, hair up in a ponytail and went to the bathroom door. "Jo, you alright?"

Inside the bathroom, Jo flung the toilet seat up and collapsed onto her knees, gripping the sides of the porcelain toilet bowl so tight that her knuckles turned bright red. Her stomach violently constricted, her shoulders hunched and the noise that came out of her mouth before the vomit did was animalistic. She sniffed hard but before she could finish sniffing, another round of Cheerios, milk and the caramel latte she had at work came up and burned her throat. Tears dribbled down off her chin as she looked into the pool of her vomit.

On the other side of the door, Stephanie put her ear to it and listened. "Jo? Jo, you okay? Are you okay? I'm coming in."

"Don't!" She finally squeaked out. She spit into the toilet and sniffed again, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "Don't come in here… I'm…I'm fine. I think I just ate something bad, that's all. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" Stephanie's eyebrows wrinkled. She could tell when Jo was crying and that's what it sounded like. It sounded like she was sobbing. "...I'm coming in anyway."

"I SAID GO AWAY!" Jo yelled but her voice cracked and let Stephanie know for sure that she was in fact bawling. Finally done throwing up due to the fact that she expelled all the contents of her stomach, she pulled her knees up into her chest and rested her forehead flat against them. "Please Steph… Just go away."

Stephanie lingered by the door for a few more moments, letting guilt dictate her every action. She should've kicked Mike out sooner. She shouldn't have let him finish. Poor Jo waited outside and her stomach was clearly bothering her. She shouldn't have been having sex. Her best friend is sick and she made her wait to have the bathroom because she was too busy having sex. And Jo sounded very upset. She hated hearing Jo cry because it wasn't something that happened often. She had heard Jo cry millions of times, but not usually sincerely. See, Jo was pretty much an actress. She could turn tears on and off at the snap of her fingers and it was her hidden talent. But she never cried seriously and these tears were serious and they were scary.

"...Lemme know if you need anything, okay? You hear me?" She waited for a response that didn't come, but she felt relief wash over her once she heard the toilet flush and the shower water begin to run.

Back inside the bathroom, Jo neatly folded her clothes up and placed them on top of the sink before she stepped into the shower. Her legs were loose and wobbly so instead of standing, she elected to sit. The steaming hot water beat down on top of her head and she couldn't deny that it felt good. It was hot enough to burn her skin but it felt so, so good. She kept her chin on top of her knees and stared ahead while the water hit her. She finally had a clear enough mind to think.

Why hadn't it occurred to her? Because if it had, she would've gotten back in her car and used the last five bucks she had in her pocket from work tonight to order off the dollar menu at McDonalds. She would say away until she was sure he was gone. But it didn't occur to her that the man Stephanie was sleeping with was him. It just didn't occur to her at all until after she saw him coming out of the room. And she felt stupid for it because literally, before she went to work only five and a half hours ago, she hinted at it. She told her that she was going to do it. Why was she so stupid? She was an Ivy League student and her grades? They were good. But she was the epitome of stupid.

Stupid enough to accept a drink from a guy she hardly knew. I mean come on. Freshman move in week, they had assembly upon assembly upon assembly about this. _Never take drinks from someone you don't know. Always get your own drink. Don't ever go back for your drink after you've put it down._ It's typical college safety! And she was stupid enough to violate every freaking rule.

She drank the drink. He handed it to her, she took a sip and oh god, she felt funny after it. She felt dizzy and lightheaded but she was having fun. Mike McDonald was interested in her and dammit, she wasn't gonna turn that down. She took another sip, felt even worse. She agreed to go back to his dorm.

It's her fault. If she wouldn't have taken that sip. If she wouldn't have told him "yeah, I'll come back to your dorm." It's her fault.

And she should be ashamed.

 **X X X**

Dressed in an over-sized t-shirt and a pair of comfortable underwear, she pulled back the blankets on her bed and slowly crawled between them. Her eyes were sore and her chest was too. Her stomach was still sour and her head was aching. She rubbed her eyes. They itched the way eyes always do after they've done a terrible amount of crying. She pulled the blankets up to her chin and stared up at the ceiling.

Half an hour. Half an hour she spent in the shower, just sitting there on the floor, a lifeless shell of a person. She sat there so long that her skin was pruny and she could still feel the water rushing down on her, even after it turned cold. Thank god tomorrow was Thursday and the day she got to sleep in. She rolled over on her side and closed her eyes.

 _It's your fault_. She came to terms with that in the shower. Maybe that's why it took her so long to get out. Because she was finally coming to terms with the fact that what Mike did to her was entirely her fault. _It's your fault but… Do you really want him to do the same thing he did to you to Steph? She was willing tonight. It sure didn't sound like anything was happening against her will. But what if next time, she doesn't? What if next time she doesn't want it? Do you really want him to do that to Steph?_

With fresh tears collected in the rims of her eyes, she sniffed. She cleared her throat. And she whispered.

"Steph?" she called out into the darkness. "Steph?" Still no answer. She must've been sleeping. "Steph…" One last time and still nothing. So she stared up at the ceiling again. And closed her eyes.

"Do you like Mike?" she mouthed to herself, reciting it from memory because time and time again, she rehearsed what she was going to say. "Like-Like him? You remember that night at the Halloween party? You remember what I told you? It was him. He raped- _I let_ him rape me. I'm sorry I let it happen. I'm sorry he did it. I'm sorry I didn't stop it. But I just thought you oughta know."

As soon as the last syllable rolled off her tongue, she gave herself to sleep.

* * *

 **Friday, January 22, 2016**

 **9:57 p.m.**

 **iMessage**

 **Stephanie:** Are you coming back to the dorm today?

 **Jo:** no. going down to alexs office until 11:00. see you later.

 **Stephanie:** Ok. See you.

Jo put her phone back into her pocket and held onto the railing as she descended down the steps and into the basement, trying to remember where she was going. She should've followed Alex down there after class the way she did on Wednesday, but she had to use the bathroom first.

In her mind though, she tried to calculate how much longer she thought she had until Stephanie questioned her about why she was avoiding her. She already figured that she'd lie and tell her that she wasn't, but she was. Ever since Wednesday night, she had been avoiding Stephanie. She'd eat alone, she wouldn't text her and tell her when she was going to go eat dinner and stuff and when she came home, she made sure it was around bed time. It had only been going on for a day, but still that was already long enough for Steph to notice. She figured she'd be getting questioned about it probably tonight.

She turned around a familiar corner and finally came face-to-face with the tempered glass door that was shut. Before she knocked on it, she took a moment to adjust herself. She pulled the long-sleeved plain dark purple t-shirt she wore down and fixed it around her waist. She pulled her tight blue jeans up and adjusted the rips so that they were evenly on her thighs and her kneecaps. And she wiggled her toes inside of her dark brown moccasins. She smoothed her hair, which she straightened this morning, back and gripped the bag of donuts she promised to bring. And she knocked softly on this door.

"Come in," she heard him mumble and heard the volume of the music he was playing go down. She twisted the knob and slowly opened the door and finally met his eyes. "Oh, it's just you," he shrugged and turned his music back up. "I didn't think you were coming."

"I told you I'd come," she shut the door behind herself and took her seat on the metal chair he sat out for her. It was metal and probably uncomfortable, but at least it was a chair this time and not a stool. "You got me a chair this time."

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled and typed something on his keyboard. "The maintenance men were putting some up in storage so I took one."

"Whatcha listening to?" She put the bag of donuts on his desk and put her backpack on the floor.

"Pandora. 80s station." He stopped typing for a moment and disappeared underneath his desk. When he leaned back upright, he produced two bottles of Minute Maid orange juice and slid one over her way. "I didn't forget the juice."

Jo smiled. "I didn't forget the donuts."


	11. Makes Me Wonder

**A/N:** Story really picks up this chapter :)

* * *

With her lips pressed neatly together as she chewed on her third mini chocolate-frosted donut, Jo absentmindedly scribbled another "100%" on top of the paper she was currently grading and filed it away in her "already checked" pile. She licked a stray crumb of chocolate off her lip and routinely began scanning across the paper for a wrong answer. She had already checked enough papers that the wrong answers always seemed to just jump out at her. She had also checked enough papers to have a preference, a notion that made her want to laugh when she thought about it. She wasn't even a teacher and she had a preference. She hated checking short answer questions because the majority of her peers had chicken scratch handwriting, and she loved checking matching questions because she could make words out of the letters, which made for easier checking.

Underneath his desk, Alex's foot tapped in tune to the beat of the song playing on his iHome speaker as sifted through piles of checked papers and typed the grades into his electronic gradebook. He paused for a moment, dug his hand back into the bag of chocolate donuts that was sitting equidistant between him and Jo, and shoved one into his mouth. The silence between the two of them was apparent, but it wasn't awkward. Jo was busy grading papers and he was busy updating grades, and there was just no need to talk amongst themselves. It was actually quite nice.

He hadn't specifically asked her to grade his papers today, but when she sat down, she took it upon herself to situate the pile in front of her and take a red pen from the cup on his desk. She didn't have to grade papers if she didn't want to but it seemed like she did and he didn't quite understand why.

Jo moved onto another paper. Admittedly, grading Alex's papers wasn't her most favorite thing to do. She'd rather just sit and relax and eat donuts and drink orange juice with Alex, but in a sense, she felt like she had to. They were friends, as far as she knew. But she didn't think they were the kind of friends to hang out for no reason at all. The reason she came down here in the first place was to help him grade papers, so that's what she should do...right? She scribbled a "90%" on top of the paper she was grading and moved on.

 _If this whole doctor thing doesn't work out, I'd make one hell of a teacher_. She smirked to herself at her thoughts and wrapped her hand around the dark blue cap that was fastened on top of the small bottle of orange juice. She twisted until she heard it snap off and brought it up to her lips to take a sip.

Alex glanced over for a moment, then back at his computer screen. Was she _smiling_? Subtly, his eyes were drawn back across the desk and he looked at her. The corners of her mouth were turned up just slightly and her cheeks had creases in them. She _was_ smiling. But what for?

"You sure there isn't anything you'd rather be doing?" he asked.

"You mean besides chillin' in a basement eating donuts?" Jo put her pen down and slid her hand down into the donut bag. "I think this is as good as it gets."

"Oh?" Alex raised his eyebrow. Her mouth now full, Jo just nodded her head and chewed. Alex shook his head at her, smirked and went back to looking at his gradebook. "...You know you don't have to grade those, right?"

"I figured…I mean…," Jo shrugged her shoulders. "Why not?"

"Suit yourself," Alex shrugged back.

Jo licked her lips again and took the moment to look around the room for the billionth time since she first stepped foot inside it. The cinder block walls were painted white, he had a few pictures taped to them, a few motivational posters and a calendar. It looked like exactly what it was. Like a basement. She glanced over at the clock that hung above the filing cabinet in the corner and felt her shoulders droop. It was 10:26. She'd have to leave soon, because even though her class was only up on the third floor of this building, she always tried to be early. She didn't want to go to class at all today, though.

She sheepishly picked her pen back up and drummed it along the desk, unable to concentrate on the papers again. _Maybe he won't show up for class today._ She sighed because well… She knew that was hardly possible. He was always in class. He was a lot of things, but a bad student wasn't one of them. She put the pen down once again and this time, busied herself by twisting a silky lock of her hair around her finger.

"...How long do you sit down here for?" she asked Alex, her tone heightening with inquisition. "When is your next class?"

"I don't gotta be anywhere until one," he mumbled, seemingly distracted. "Leeds' next Histology class isn't 'til one."

"So you just sit down here until one? By yourself?"

"That's usually the case." He wrinkled his eyebrows and got a little closer to his computer screen.

"...Do you… Mind if I… Sit with you? For a little while longer?" she asked, apprehension laced in her voice. She couldn't even look at him when she asked. Instead, she continued to twirl her lock of hair around her finger and look down at the pale white skin of her kneecap, which was exposed through one of the rips in her jeans. She winced when she heard him begin to answer.

"Don't you have class at eleven?" Alex looked away from his computer and at her with a confused look on his face. She wasn't looking at him though. Instead, her head was geared towards the ground and she seemed to be picking at her split ends.

"I do, but…," Jo dropped the lock of hair that she was focusing on and moved onto another. "I think I'm gonna skip today. I'm kind of tired."

"So why don't you go back to your dorm and take a nap?"

Jo hesitated. _Because I'm avoiding my roommate_. Stephanie didn't have class again until 12:00 so if Jo went back now, she would have to be holed up in the room with Steph and that was something she truly didn't want. She'd rather go to class and face the possibility of seeing Mike than be alone in a room with Stephanie right now. She swallowed and sighed.

"Because I… Don't have my key and I have to wait for my roommate to get out of class at twelve," the lie rolled smoothly off her tongue. "But if you'd rather be down here alone, it's seriously okay. I can leave at eleven like I planned to. It's really fine."

"No, you can stay," Alex exited out of his grade book and faced forward. "I don't care if you stay."

"Thanks," Jo breathed, feeling relief wash over her body the way water would if she had been standing in a shower. "I just... _really_ don't want to be in class today."

"Avoiding something?" Alex stuck another donut into his mouth and chewed it rather obnoxiously. Politely, Jo shook her head. "Avoiding some _one_?"

"No, I woke up at 6:00 this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep so I'm just pretty tired and my grade in that class is pretty good so I think I can…," she stopped when she noticed his unamused, unfazed raised eyebrows. She sighed hard. "...Is it that obvious?"

Alex sat back in his swivel chair and swayed from side to side, his hands folded neatly in his lap and his eyes all of a sudden avoiding hers. It wasn't obvious… but he kind of noticed everything about her. Even the things he didn't want to notice, he did. He didn't want to notice the way she usually had jokes to crack, the way she was usually bubbly and the way all of that seemed to disappear as soon as her eyes met the clock a few moments ago. He didn't know why he noticed everything about Jo and well...he wished it would go away.

"You just seem kinda sad today, I guess," he shrugged his shoulders to play it off. "But whatever. You can stay. You just seem sad."

"Well so do you," she countered with lightning-like speed. "But you don't hear me commenting on it," she murmured.

"Yeah but _I'm_ not asking you give me a place to hide out," Alex matched her tone out of instinct, but he didn't mean to come off so cold.

Admittedly, he too wasn't in the greatest of moods today, but couldn't help but wonder if his was so painstakingly obvious. Jo wasn't herself and it was clear… Was his just as clear? He couldn't help why Jo was in such a bad mood and now avoiding classes. He wondered about her and he'd probably be wondering about her for the rest of the day. But he didn't think they were close enough for him to ask. After all, it was only the third time the two of them had been alone together.

"Whatever it is… Or _who_ ever it is that you're avoiding isn't gonna go away just because you're hiding out in a basement stuffing donuts down your throat," he mumbled under his breath.

Her jaw hung open before he even finished the sentence. _Did he really say that?_ Her eyebrows involuntarily wrinkled and her eyes narrowed. She took her bottom lip between her top teeth and bit down hard, her vision blurring over with unshed tears. Shaking her head, she bent down and gathered her backpack in her hands and slid out from her chair.

"Jo," he sucked his teeth and tried to stop her but she was adamant. "Jo… Come on, stop. Come on. I said you could stay…"

Jo shook her head violently and hoisted her backpack onto her shoulder. "I don't want to."

He stood up and tilted his head to the side. "Come on…. I'm-I'm _sorry_ , okay? I shouldn't have… I shouldn't have-"

Jo whipped around, her face blotchy and flushed bright red and tears still collecting in the rims of her eyes. She was fuming mad and though she wanted to restrain herself, she couldn't. She hoped the basement was at least soundproof.

"You have NO idea what you're talking about! You don't know a damn thing about me and if me sitting down here stuffing donuts down my throat is such an inconvenience to you then maybe you should've just-"

"I'm sorry," he interrupted her and looked away. "Sit down, okay? You don't have to go to class if you don't want to. It's not my business why you're skipping. Just sit down. I won't say anything else."

Jo pursed her lips and clenched her jaw, willing the tears to stay in her eyes. She didn't know much about Alex, but she did know that she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry. She didn't want him to think that he held that over her, even though he truly did. He made her cry. He made tears well up in her eyes, he made her get up and he brought her so far out of her character that she yelled at an authority figure. And he did all of that with just one snide comment.

Her jaw still hardened and in tact, she looked at him and studied his expression. She studied the way his jaw was squared away and rounded to the tip of his chin. She studied the way his lips twitched a little and the way his eyes seemed glossed over with genuine sorrow. The way his eyebrows, bushy and unruly, were contorted whenever he frowned and the way that his forehead garnered lines in the middle of it even though he wasn't looking straight at her.

He really did seem sorry. She didn't know enough about him to tell for sure, but she was fairly good at reading expressions and gathering intentions and he did. He seemed apologetic. But she wasn't quite ready to forgive him just yet. She wasn't ready to let go of the anger she felt whenever he insinuated, without even knowing her, that she was someone that ran from her problems. Maybe she was. Maybe running _was_ the way she coped. But he had no business commenting on it.

She was still angry but somehow, she found herself shrugging her backpack off her shoulder again and depositing it back down on the floor where it was in the first place. She sat back down in the metal chair he provided for her and crossed her legs, looking down at the ground and not at him.

Alex sat back down too. Secretly, he was glad that she didn't leave but he was also a bit bummed at that fact too. He was glad because he genuinely did enjoy Jo's company, but he was bummed too because well… Now it meant that he would have to sit in awkward tension because he had hurt her feelings. He didn't know her. He didn't know anything about the girl that sat across from him and ate donuts and drank orange juice. He didn't know if she liked pepperoni on her pizza, if her favorite color was red, or if "Jo" was short for something like "Joanne". All he knew was that she liked chocolate frosted donuts, orange juice and bad 80s music. There wasn't much about her that he knew, but he hurt her feelings. That much, he did know.

He opened up the web browser on his computer again and pretended to be busy with something, even though he was just googling what time the hockey game came on tonight. He didn't know anything about the girl that sat across from him...and he wanted to. Again, he didn't know why. It was the same as why he couldn't quite explain why he noticed everything about her. He couldn't even begin to explain it. But it felt…biological, in a way. Like the need to breathe or the will to blink. He didn't know her, but he wanted to. And for that reason...he was glad she didn't leave.

Mindlessly, he clicked around on a few local news websites in search of the game times, too distracted to even notice that every site he'd clicked on displayed the times at the top. He seemed focused and concentrated, just the way he wanted to appear. In the back of his mind though, that thought sat and it marinated until it manifested into a full-blown obsession. He didn't know her, but he wanted to.

What _did_ he know about Jo?

He knew that she was smart. She was an Ivy League student, she seemed hardworking and that one time, she was the only person in her entire class that didn't miss a single question on her very tough homework assignment. He never really paid much attention to her assignments in particular when he graded them, but he made a mental note to be sure to from now on.

 _She's smart_ , he noted.

He knew that she was responsible; or at least, he could deduce that. She'd only been down here in his office a total of two times but both times, he didn't have to remind her what time it was. She seemed to keep track of that herself and last time, she noticed that it was almost 11:00 and she got up on her own to make it to class in time. Plus, she was punctual to that one tutoring session.

 _She's responsible._

"...I had a fight with my roommate," Jo finally spoke up after several moments of uninterrupted silence, the tone of her voice clearly offering a truce with the man sitting across the desk from her. Alex raised his eyebrows and finally stopped pretending to be interested in his computer screen. He wasn't quite ready to give up on listing all the things he knew about Jo, but he figured his list could wait. Possibly until the drive home from work today or even until he laid in bed tonight. "I'm avoiding her...and her boyfriend."

"...You try talking to her about it?"

Jo shook her head. "I had something to tell her...but now I don't think I can."

"You guys friends?"

"Mhm," she nodded this time. "Best friends. Inseparable."

"Well…" Alex shrugged his shoulders. Admittedly, he was pretty horrible at offering any kind of advice. He was bad with words, too. The majority of the time, that was why he and Lucy argued. "If you guys are really friends, you'll work it out. Why didn't you tell her in the first place?"

Jo sighed. "...I got scared. And the longer I wait to tell her… The more pointless it seems, I guess," she sighed again and tucked her hair behind her ears. "So um…" she began, her voice lighter this time around. "Is this really a job for you? Like is this your 9 to 5?" She swiftly changed the topic of conversation.

He made a mental note to add that to his list. _She doesn't like talking about her feelings._ He could tell that by the way she so fluidly switched tactics.

"Yeah," he replied. "This is what I get up to come to and go home from. This is my job."

"You get paid well?" Jo asked and immediately regretted it. "You don't have to answer that. Sorry, inappropriate."

Alex snickered and picked up his bottle of orange juice. "It pays the bills." He took a sip, swallowed and licked his lips. "Me and my girlfriend go half on the bills."

"Didn't you say she's an intern?" she wondered and Alex nodded. "Obstetrics, right?" he nodded again. "So...she gonna be your… Sugar Mama? If that's a thing…"

Alex laughed, genuinely this time and shook his head at her. She was funny...add that to his list of things he knew about her.

"Sorry to burst your little bubble there, but neither one of us make much," he screwed the cap back onto his orange juice bottle and sat back in his chair. "Not yet at least. Sorry to crush your assumptions."

"I wasn't," Jo shook her head and said earnestly. The air between the two of them was lighthearted and their demeanor was playful but she was serious all of a sudden. Not that she wasn't one to joke around and play, but she thought that he should know that she wasn't assuming. That was something she took seriously. "I wasn't assuming or judging, I promise." Alex wrinkled his brow. Why was she so serious all of a sudden? Jo's lips twitched and she licked them. She didn't know why, but something about Alex was just… Natural. He had a natural aura about him that was just so easy to trust. She knew he wouldn't tell anybody. She couldn't explain how she knew, she just did. She had a feeling he was loyal. "...I live in a car," she shrugged her shoulders to downplay it. Alex's eyes widened a bit. "On breaks and stuff and during the summer...I live in a car. I wouldn't judge you for not making a lot of money. I don't really… Assume things about people. Especially when it comes to money."

Alex looked at her face and pondered it for a bit. She seemed embarrassed by it so he figured that maybe he shouldn't make a big deal out of it. But damn, she lived in a car?

"So do you um… Is it… S'it because you're too cheap to pay your own bills? Or what?"

Jo's serious expression wavered and gave way to a lighthearted giggle and she smiled at him. "I have a job, jerk. It just doesn't pay much." She didn't feel the need to shrug this time. She felt much more comfortable. "Been living in it since I was sixteen so you know… Why part with it now?"

"Sixteen?"

"Yep."

"Like… Sophomore in high school sixteen?"

"Sophomore in high school sixteen," she sighed.

"What, did your mom and dad sleep in the trunk?"

He wondered aloud with crassness laced deep in his tone. Jo somehow managed to not take offense. She was starting to learn him, she felt like. Maybe sarcasm was just how he communicated. Maybe he was just naturally a jerk. Instead of roaring at him the way she had done several moments ago when he made a sarcastic, snarky comment, an easy smile lined her face and she was able to be light about it.

"I don't have a mom and dad. I just have me."

Alex tilted his head back as if he had gained new perspective and raised his eyebrows. He couldn't explain why, but something within his conscience felt drawn to her. Willed, even. Just compelled to open up the gate that guarded him and let her inside because that was something they shared. It was a connection that he never had to anyone else in his life. Not Lucy, not Jackson, not anybody.

"Yeah… a car's probably a lot nicer than foster homes," he mumbled.

Jo narrowed her eyes. Okay, she was getting better at decoding his blunt dry humor but that wasn't funny. "Bite me."

"Nah, I'm serious… It was probably better sleeping in a car than in a home," he defended.

Jo's eyes narrowed even more and she blew air out of her nostrils. She leaned against the desk and got a little closer to him. He was clearly mocking her and well...she didn't appreciate it.

"How many foster homes did you get thrown out of?" she pressed him. "How many times did you get settled in one place just to be kicked out and bumped around to the next until you got tired of it?"

"Seventeen," he mumbled again.

"Stop making fun of me!"

"I'm not," he shook his head. "Seventeen in a matter of a few years," he looked down at his desk and sighed. "I didn't live in no car, but Juvi wasn't really all that great either."

"...You're screwing with me."

"Am not."

"Hand to God?"

"Hand to God." He looked her dead in her eyes and lifted his right hand up. "Muh got locked up in an institution, Dad took off when I was young. He was a junkie anyway, but still…," he sighed. "Haven't seen my folks in ages."

"...I'm sorry," Jo whispered. "...If it makes you feel any better, my mom left me in a stroller outside a fire station, so," she shrugged her shoulders and cracked a smile.

Alex snickered and cracked a genuine crooked smile. There wasn't anything funny about their conversation. Nothing about foster kids being dealt the worst hands at life was funny. Nothing about a sixteen-year-old living in a car was funny. Nothing about a kid going to juvenile for stealing food for his kid brother and baby sister was funny. But somehow, Jo managed to make light of it. Somehow, joking about it with her was okay.

"Alright, you win. Your life sucks worse."

Jo nodded her head. "Told ya so."

* * *

The foam from his beer tingled when it slithered down his throat, and he belched. Nothing beat sitting on the couch with his feet kicked up, ice cold beer in one hand with the remote in the other after a long day of work. The hockey game was playing on the flat screen TV in front of him and as long as it was playing, he could forget about the rumbling sensation in the pit of his stomach that wouldn't be satisfied until Lucy came through the door and fixed dinner.

"You never did tell me about that brunette," Jackson slurped a sip of his beer and kept his eyes focused on the game. "What was her name?"

"What brunette?" Alex asked, a bit preoccupied with watching the game.

"The one you texted me about."

"Oh," he murmured. "Jo… Yeah she's pretty cool."

"Yeah? She hot?"

"Something like that. She's just cool, really. We hang out. She's more like a buddy…" He clenched his hands into fists and banged on the couch cushions at the way the puck seemed to always miss the goal. "We hung out today."

"She just comes and sits down in your office?" Jackson raised an eyebrow.

"For the most part. Why?"

"Didn't you say your office was in the basement?" he chuckled. "Basement's a good place. Won't hear anything if you make her scream."

"It's not like that," Alex mumbled for the sake of getting his friend to shut up. "If it was, I would've been bent her over the desk."

"Thought you said she was hot."

"She is. Not that kind of hot though."

"What kind of hot then?"

When the game faded to a commercial, Alex turned toward his friend and shook his head. "She ain't that kind of girl. Even if I wanted to, I don't think she would. She seems way too...studious, I guess. Like she wouldn't do it just 'cause I'm me. She seems to care about the grade."

"Think she'd do it if you gave her an F?" Jackson pressed and Alex narrowed his eyes. "I'm just saying. If you slapped an F at the top of her paper, you think she'd do it to change her grade?"

"Probably not. She doesn't seem like the type. Besides… I wouldn't do that to her. She's cool. She's hot but… It's the type of hot that you just kind of admire from a distance. The kind of hot that you don't really act on. She's like… Nerdy hot. Funny, shy loner type. Bookworm-y, anti-social, "She's All That" kind. You know… That type. I'd sleep with her if the chance came up but I'm not gonna go out of my way to. I don't really look at her that way."

"Oh, that's right. I keep forgetting you're not _really_ into brunettes. You like blondes."

"Not true."

"So true. You only ever go after the blondes. First with Iz, now with Cruella…"

"Iz don't count. That was first year. I was young and you see how bad that turned out…she turned out to be a bitch. She doesn't count."

"Don't get so defensive. I'm just saying you clearly have a type," Jackson popped a handful of peanut M&Ms into his mouth. "And the brunette doesn't stand a chance."

"She does too," Alex mumbled. "She's a hot brunette. I'd screw her if I could but… It's the whole cheating thing that's really throwing me off. I'd have to happen in like… That heat of the moment kinda thing. I'm not gonna plan to cheat."

"Yeah, I get that. You don't really wanna cheat on Cruella."

"Not with a student, at least. I could lose my job, get kicked outta school…"

"Only if you get caught."

* * *

Inside the room, it was quiet with the only noise coming from the fan that was oscillating around the room. Stephanie was quiet and asleep, the way she had been since Jo decided that it was a decent time to come home from the library at 10:00 before it closed at 10:30. She had successfully gone the entire day without coming face to face with Steph. She wondered if she could do it again tomorrow.

The room was pitch dark, too. Every single light was turned out and the darkness was overwhelming. It was exactly the kind of environment that she and Stephanie liked to sleep in, though. But Jo wasn't doing much sleeping. Her mind had been racing ever since she left his office hours ago.

She wondered what he was doing. He was probably at home in bed with his girlfriend. She was skinny and beautiful and blonde. She was perfect for him. They probably cuddled at night. He probably wrapped his big, muscly arms around her and she probably kissed his toned, firm chest.

At least that's what she'd do if she was his girlfriend.

 _"Kiss me, Jo," he says and she does. She throws herself in his arms, wraps them around his neck and presses her lips to his. He's a good kisser. His tongue is soft when it explores every inch of her mouth and his hands around her waist are strong._

An entire swarm of butterflies sashayed across her stomach and for the first time in a long time, a dazed, infatuated grin splices her lips in half. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt butterflies. Hell, she couldn't even remember the last time she had a crush. Probably in middle school, it was. But here she was… Lying in bed, staring up at a dark ceiling, letting her mind run wild with crazy fantasies. Unlike her last crush in middle school… She knew about the darker side of fantasies. She knew beyond the ones of her crush kissing her and walking her down the aisle as people threw rice at them and cheered. She knew about the ones that involved her legs shaking. The ones that involved her sweating. The ones that she was starting to have as her eyes drifted close...

 _"Alex…," she pants his name, wild and out of breath, and stares up at the ceiling as her head rests against the soft pillow. Her fingers are tangled in his hair, her toes curled under and her breath escaping in the form of moans when she lets it out. He's good with his mouth, oh god he is._

She opened her eyes and met the dark ceiling once again, her cheeks hot and flushed with embarrassment. _What the hell is wrong with me?!_ She blows a harsh breath out of her nose and rolls over on her side. _But he's so cute. His eyes and his hair and that little smirk…_ Another goofy grin cracked across her face when she thought about him. She reached over on her nightstand and pulled her phone off the charger.

She opened up her Google app and tapped on the search bar. Her thumbs hesitated and lingered, hovered over the keyboard before she finally took a deep breath and allowed herself to type.

 **Is it illegal to have an aff…**

She tapped on the third result that came up and stared at the results. **Is it illegal to have an affair with a teacher.**

 _Get a grip, Jo._

She sighed again and exited out of her app without even reading the results of the question she wanted to know the answer to. She plugged her phone back into the charger, fluffed her pillows and finally gave herself to sleep.


	12. Locked Away

**A/N:** Sorry for the long wait for an update. Little bit of **M** rated language in this, though.

* * *

With her hands on her knees as she knelt in front of the short black metal bookcase, Jo studied the spine of each book intently, and with sheer interest. She couldn't believe what she was looking at, for the most part. She looked at them the way people would look at things to be marveled at. Like an overweight man on a diet looking at a box of chocolate. Like a child in a toy store would look at everything on the shelves. Like an alcoholic would look at a bottle of whisky. She looked at them with anticipation, awe and utter amazement. Could she touch them? She wanted to know, but she wouldn't dare ask.

"How much did you pay for these? They had to have cost like...a bunch of money, right?" she asked, unable to disguise the astonishment in the tone of her voice.

Sitting at his desk and paying her little to no attention, Alex glanced down at the floor to see her kneeling and smirked. He knew she was interested in his books, but he had no idea that she would be kneeling down in front of them like a kid pressing its nose against a window, marveling at them.

"Some of them were more expensive than others," he admitted. "Most expensive one was like… Five hundred or something like that."

"Five _hundred_?!" she turned around and looked at him, eyes wide in surprise. "You're kidding."

"Nope," he shook his head and resumed jotting numbers down in his gradebook. "But it's not like college, you know? It's not like when you spend all that money on books and you hardly use 'em. You actually do use them in med school."

"I bet," Jo mumbled, clearly distracted and running her fingers along the hard spines of the books as if they weren't real.

Alex sighed and glanced up at the clock. It was almost 12:30, which meant that it was about time for him to leave and head up to Dr. Leeds' next class, which sucked. Admittedly, he wished he could spend all day down here with Jo. She was starting to get more comfortable with him, and in turn, he was getting more comfortable with her. It was simple, really. She'd come down here with him after her class let out and they'd hang out. Usually it was only for an hour, since her class let out at 9:50 and she had to leave by 10:50 to make it to her 11:00 class. But some days, like Monday when she skipped class and ate donuts with him, she'd sit down here with him until 12:30. And like today, when she checked her e-mail to find that the class she skipped on Monday was actually cancelled today. Most of the time it was an hour. Sometimes it was longer. But no matter if it was one hour or two, he always enjoyed his time with her.

"And they're just sitting here? Collecting dust?" Jo asked. Something about the prospect of med school books sitting dormant on a shelf and just collecting dust made her a little sick.

"Yeah," Alex closed his gradebook and put his pen back inside the cup at the head of his desk. He pushed his chair out and looked at the nearly-empty box of Krispy Kreme donuts that he had stopped and picked up before work, solely for the purpose of eating them with Jo. He figured that by the end of the semester, he'd put on a good twenty or thirty pounds just from lounging around and eating donuts with Jo all the time. "You want anymore of these before I toss them?"

Jo just shook her head and tried to commit the names of the books to memory. She doubted she'd be able to find them, but she planned on looking online for pdf files of the books when she got back to her dorm. She just wanted to read them. Maybe that made her a nerd, she didn't know. But she only wanted to read them.

"How about the rest of this orange juice?" Alex asked and once again, got nothing but the shake of her head. He tossed both the donut box and the small jug of juice into his trash can and glanced at Jo again, just to make sure she was still alive. His eyes stayed on her, though. This wasn't the first time she had been in his presence, of course. But it was the first time he had a moment long enough without her attention to really look at her from this angle.

It was a nice day outside today, for a winter day at least. It was a shocking 60 degrees, even though it was raining. But it was nice enough for Jo to wear nothing but a fluorescent pink, short-sleeved t-shirt, a gray jacket that she didn't have on, and a pair of black leggings. Her hair; long, wavy and unruly, was tied back in a low, leisure ponytail and she wore no makeup except eyeliner. It was a casual look, but Alex still found himself staring. He shook his head to pull himself out of it though.

"You know you can borrow those," he offered, pushing his chair in. "I don't care if you take one."

Still keeling, Jo whipped around and shot him an incredulous look. Was he joking?!

"You're serious?" she raised her eyebrows. "I can just take one? You'd let me just...take one?"

"Long as you bring it back," Alex shrugged. "It's not like I'm using them. Just take one. Bring it back. Take another. You know how that goes."

Without anymore words from him, Jo eased a white book off the shelf and held it in her hand. It was heavy, and it wouldn't fit in her bookbag, but she didn't mind. She'd carry it forever if it meant that she'd have the chance to read it.

"Thank you," she said, using the bookcase to pull herself up onto her feet. "I'll bring it back and I won't mess it up." She tossed her ponytail over her shoulder and looked directly at him. "Trust me?"

"Obviously I trust you or I wouldn't have told you to take one." Alex sighed again and flopped back down in his chair since his office was clean enough to the point where all he'd have to do is turn off the light and lock the door once it was time for him to get going. "What are you gonna do with a med school book?"

"Read it," she retorted. She eyed the empty chair across from his desk and slid back into it. "Don't you wish you could just skip class?"

"Who? Me or you?"

"You." She drummed her fingers along the book and looked away from him to avoid her cheeks flushing bright red.

She had to admit that after Monday, she didn't think she'd ever be able to face Alex again. Not after she caught herself trying to Google if it was illegal to sleep with him. Not after she found herself daydreaming about what he'd be like in bed. But surprisingly enough, facing him seemed easy today. Sure, she caught herself blushing when she saw him stumble into the auditorium a few minutes past 9:00 this morning. And sure she caught herself waving at him from her seat in the fifth row.

And she might've dazed off in class today, imagining what he'd look like if he wasn't wearing that black button-up Polo shirt he had on today. Maybe she missed half the lecture because she was too busy fantasizing about his tongue in her mouth. And she probably looked like a real nutcase when she sometimes squirmed from side to side in her chair, trying to keep herself from from staying clean even with the thoughts of how much she wouldn't care if he shoved his hand up her shirt.

But today was nothing. She counted down the seconds until Dr. Leeds let them go at 9:50, and she nearly ran down to his office just to spend some time with him. But it wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. In fact, it was kind of easy. And she almost felt like the universe was looking out especially for her when she opened up her e-mail on her cell phone and found that her 11:00 class was cancelled today, thus allowing her to spend two hours with him instead of one. But it was looking like two hours wasn't enough either. She wanted more.

"Sometimes I wish I could skip classes," Alex admitted with a slight shrug of his shoulders. "But then my paycheck would suffer and then I don't wish that so much anymore. Besides… What would I do if I could skip?"

"Hang out with me, duh," Jo sucked her teeth.

"You say that as if I didn't just spend the last two hours of my life talking to you about absolutely nothing."

"I would hardly call our conversations nothing," Jo grinned. "I happen to think that talking about The Breakfast Club and our mutual distaste for chocolate milk are very important things."

"Don't forget about your weird ass lamb allergy."

"It's not lamb! It's wool! I'm allergic to wool, okay? And… Look, it's not my fault. I just get itchy if I'm around it too long."

"Yeah yeah yeah, explain all you want. It's still weird." Alex glanced at the clock once more and stood up. "I've gotta get going now though."

Jo tried her best to disguise the clear disappointment written across her face and stood up too. She hated that she only saw him once every other day. She felt silly, she did. No, in fact, she felt stupid. Stupid to come to terms with the fact that she had a big, childish crush on him. Especially when he had a girlfriend. If he didn't have a girlfriend…No, she probably wouldn't make a move anyway. He's still her teacher and even if it wasn't against the law, she was sure it was against the rules given that he handles grades. But still… If she wasn't allowed to like him, she was still allowed to think about him...wasn't she?

"I'll see you Friday?" she asked hopefully. "And it's my turn to bring the food?"

"I'll see you Friday," Alex nodded once. "And you don't have to bring the food… I'll grab it. I usually stop at Dunkin or something on my way here anyway. I'll just grab you something too."

"Okay," Jo agreed, backpedaling her way towards the door. She didn't want to ask him and seem like she was desperate or prying, but she just had to ask. Ever since she checked her e-mail earlier and found that her class was cancelled, it's been marinating in the back of her mind and well… It was starting to become too much. So she stopped walking towards the door and opened her mouth. "Oh, and Alex?"

"Hmm?"

"...What happens if Dr. Leeds cancels class?"

Alex wrinkled his eyebrows, quite perturbed with the question. He wasn't quite sure what she was asking. "You mean.. For me? I just don't come in if he cancels his classes."

"Oh…," she whispered. "But no… That's not what I meant. I meant for _us_ , but you just kind of answered my question."

"For you guys? You mean like the students? Don't you guys just not show up if he cancels?"

"No," Jo giggled softly and shook her head. "I meant us...as in me and you. I was asking if we just don't see each other when Leeds cancels but you don't come in so you kind of just answered my question."

"Oh…" Alex mumbled. "We could go a day without hangin' out and stuff…" he answered but as soon as he heard himself say it out loud, he realized that that wasn't exactly something he wanted. He liked Jo. As a friend, mostly. He thought she was funny and she was a pretty neat student and he could probably survive if he didn't see her for two days due to a cancelled class. But he didn't _want_ to have to wait two days to see her. "We'll figure it out when we get there," he suggested.

"Okay. I'll um… See you Friday then. At 10:00."

"See ya," he said back and watched her as she left out of his office, heavy white book in tow, and closed the door behind her. For the billionth time of the hour, he checked the clock and found himself sighing.

He wished he could skip classes. If he wasn't still so new at his job, he probably would've today. He didn't realize until she was gone just how much he actually did want to spend time with her. Two hours didn't seem to be enough. If he skipped his class, he would've had another two hours to spend with her since he didn't have to be off campus until 3:00 today. He would've just skipped and hung out with her.

Why was he even contemplating missing out on money just so he could hang out with Jo though? It wasn't like he liked her. He did like her, just...not in that way. Yet he found himself missing her when she just left. He found himself wishing that he had just skipped out on his last class and e-mailed Dr. Leeds later to tell him he had to head home early for a medical reason.

All that just to hang out with Jo.

 **X X X**

 **Wednesday, January 27, 2016**

 **12:37 p.m.**

 **iMessage**

 **Stephanie:** U eat?

 **12:40 p.m.**

 **Jo:** no. not yet. did you?

 **12:43 p.m.**

 **Stephanie:** Ya we r down the caf now if u want to come

 **Jo:** who's all there?

 **Stephanie:** Just me Leah Isacc Shane

 **Jo:** where's your bf?

 **Stephanie:** Bf?

 **Jo:** boyfriend

 **Stephanie:** O lol practice not here

 **Jo:** okay lol. give me 5 mins i'll be down i'm walking right now

 **Stephanie:** K

She adjusted the grip on the white book she had in her hand and shoved her phone back down into her jacket pocket as she walked leisurely down the sidewalk. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew that she'd probably come to regret agreeing to meet Stephanie for lunch, especially when she spent the last few days purposefully and dutifully ignoring her, but for some reason today, she didn't care. She was in a good mood and nothing could bring her down.

Steph would probably comment on how she hadn't seen her in a while, but so what. She was prepared for that. She'd probably ask her if anything was wrong given that the last time she did hear something from her, she was throwing up in the bathroom over seeing her rapist in her dorm. But she'd make up a lie. She'd do anything- _anything_ -to just keep her current vibe alive.

She had come from spending time with Alex, after all. _Alex_. The teaching assistant. The sarcastic, witty and sometimes douchy teaching assistant. He made her blush. He made her smile like a kid that was just praised for using the potty correctly. He made her feel like she was in sixth grade again. Like she was a little 12-year-old fixing to draft up a note that said "Do You Like Me? Circle Yes or No." It was a crush. That much she knew. She didn't know hardly anything about him. She didn't know where he grew up, what his middle name was, what his favorite color was, what he liked to eat. She didn't know his family, his personality outside of his job and ultimately what his hopes and dreams were. But it was a crush. Something like an infatuation. Borderline obsession. And she didn't need to know all of that.

Still feeling happy-go-lucky and relatively light, she opened the door and strolled right into the cafeteria building before whipping her phone back out and shooting Steph with another text.

 **12:49 p.m.**

 **Jo:** where are you guys sitting?

 **Stephanie:** by soda machine

She put her phone back once again, dug her student ID out of her pocket and handed it to the woman standing at the podium to scan it before she entered.

"Thank you," she politely recited to the woman as she took her ID back. She stood near the door for a few more moments, looking around by the soda machine. She spotted them, smiled to herself and sauntered over to where they all sat. Sure enough, just like Steph had promised, it was only her, Leah, Shane and Isaac.

"Hi Jo," Isaac, of course, was the first one to greet her as she neared the table. He stood up quickly, as if a fire had been lit under his backside, and rushed over to where Jo stood. "Here, sit. You must be pretty exhausted carrying all this stuff."

"I got it, Isaac," Jo insisted, put her book down on the table and proceeded to pull out her own chair. "Thank you though." She was always polite to him. She made it a point to be. "So hey guys...what's up?"

"I'm surprised you actually came," Stephanie mused, stuffing a strawberry in her mouth. Her usually curly hair was pin-straight today, and her glasses were nowhere to be found. Her tribal printed v-neck t-shirt was black and white, her jeans were dark blue and ripped and the pair of black Vans she wore tied it altogether. Jo wondered what the occasion was, but she wouldn't dare ask. "I was sure you'd tell me you were gonna come."

"Yeah well, I'm hungry today," Jo sighed dreamily and folded her hands in her lap. "Is there anything good in the lines?"

"Crap, mostly," Leah answered. "The mashed potatoes taste like Clorox. Don't eat them."

"How would you know what Clorox tastes like?" Shane chimed in. "Were you chugging some of it?"

"By the looks of my grade on that Histology homework he gave us on Monday, I probably should chug some of it," Leah rolled her eyes. "I got another 4/10. And the first exam is coming up. If I don't get it together by next Monday, my grade is in the can."

"Tell me about it," Stephanie leaned forward and sighed. "I got a 5/10. I swear that asshole Karev grades harder than Leeds does."

"What about you, Jo?" Isaac spoke up, clearly just wanting a reason to talk to her. He wasn't even in their class. But he knew that Jo had Dr. Leeds too, so clearly she'd have something interesting to add to the conversation...right? "What did you get?"

"A ten," Jo admitted, sheepishly looking down and playing with the pages on the book that Alex gave her. "It wasn't that hard."

"Oh yeah right," Stephanie put down her fork and leaned forward again. "It was hard as hell. You only got a ten 'cause Karev loves you."

"That's not true," Jo defended, clearly smiling and blushing just at the thought of Karev loving her. "It really wasn't that hard if you read the book."

"You totally are Karev's teacher's pet though," Steph retorted and glanced down at the book that she was messing with. "What's that?"

"Oh, nothing, really… Just… It's a book. One of the ones they use in med school… Alex let me borrow it."

"See?!" Steph laughed. "Totally his teacher's pet. He's giving you tens on your homework, books to look at and before you know it, it'll be hundreds on your test."

"Alex wouldn't do that."

"OOOH!" Leah beamed. "You're on a first name basis with him."

"She sits down in his office every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, Leah," Steph added. "And eats donuts."

"What?!" Leah gasped. "Just you and him?!"

Jo bit her lip and said nothing. She never really realized until it was being said aloud just how bad it did sound. Okay, so her relationship with Alex _did_ sound bad. But it wasn't. It was strictly platonic. Even if she did have a crush on him… There was no way in hell the feelings were reciprocated! He had a girlfriend!

"You like him, don't you?" Steph questioned. "You like him…" Jo felt her cheeks get red and she could no longer contain the smile that was begging to come across her face. She put her head down and smirked, blushing harder with each passing moment. "Oh my god…" Steph shook her head. "You totally have the hots for Karev."

"I do not!" Jo denied it but the evidence was clear in her rosy cheeks.

"Who could blame you?!" Leah giggled. "He's _stupid_ hot."

"He has a girlfriend, okay?!" Jo rolled her eyes and caught a small glimpse of Isaac, who was visibly upset by the way he was just picking through his broccoli. Somewhere in her conscience, she felt sorry for him. "He has a girlfriend and I'm...just a student."

"So what? Girlfriend doesn't mean anything. She doesn't have to find out," Steph shrugged.

"I'm not a homewrecking slut," Jo rolled her eyes again, trying desperately to wipe the smirk off her face. She watched Isacc's shoulders slouch and felt bad all over again. "Besides.. I don't even have a crush on him."

"Yeah yeah yeah," Leah feigned a yawn. "You're not foolin' anyone."

* * *

Alex stood motionless in front of the fridge, gazing into the opened freezer with a puzzled look on his face. It was 6:30 and Lucy still wasn't home, so he figured he should try dinner. It wasn't often that Alex made dinner. It wasn't like he was ever totally against it, it was just that the majority of the things he ever tried to make weren't always edible. He'd burn the chicken nuggets, under-cook the French fries, take the pizza out too late, didn't know what "browning" the ground beef was. He always figured that Lucy would like dinner after work sometimes but every time he tried, he failed and he just stopped cooking. But he was going to try again tonight.

He pulled the green box of frozen pizza out and looked at it. It looked decent enough to eat. So he flipped it over and read the directions. _Preheat oven to 425. Sounds_ _easy enough_. He dragged his feet over to the oven and squinted so he could see the words before he pressed "bake." He tapped the button until it read 425 on the digital window and left the pizza on the counter until it was done.

He went back into the living room and plopped down on the couch, kicking his feet up and resuming the episode of The Big Bang Theory. Somewhere along the lines, it had become 6:30 and he didn't even know how the time went by so fast. His day did seem to be going in a blur, though. Maybe it was just because his thoughts were rushing.

First of all, he was thinking about it. Despite the typical impress-your-friends guy conversation that he had earlier in the week with Jackson, he thought about it. That was just talk. He didn't want Jackson to know that he'd gone soft. And honestly… Jackson was probably just all talk too. He didn't think Alex noticed, but he did. He noticed the way he hadn't even hooked up with anybody since he met that redheaded girl a few weeks ago. It was just talk. But now, it was serious.

Because for the first time ever, he thought about it on his own. About taking his first decent paycheck down to the mall and picking out a ring. He didn't know if he was going to do it. Plus, he knew that he was supposed to spend a little more than just one paycheck on it so he thought maybe he should save up a little more. But he thought about it. And he thought about how he wanted to do it. It was just a thought, though.

It wasn't that he didn't want to. Because he did. It was always something he wanted. Ever since he was younger. Especially when he would have to rub his sister's back until she fell asleep. He eventually saw himself being a husband and a father but only if he met the right girl. And he just needed to be sure that Lucy was the right girl. He picked the wrong girl once…

And he wasn't sure if he'd ever fully gotten over that. So now, he was cautious. And Lucy didn't understand that. But he was thinking about it. It was there. It was in his mind. And it was a definite possibility.

He had also spent a good chunk of his day thinking about her.

He was thinking about the way she threw her head back when she laughed, the way those brunette curls bounced when she she tossed them over her shoulder, the way her nose crinkled if he said something funny and the way she never seemed to care what she dressed like, but still managed to look nice anyway.

And he was thinking about those eyes. Those deep-set, honey brown eyes. And the long curly eyelashes that accompanied them. And that mouth. God, that mouth. She had the most perfect set off full pink lips. And the brown freckle beside them drove him wild every time he looked at it.

He tried to put it off. He tried to shove it away in the back of his brain and just not think about it. He tried to talk himself out of it. But today, it was there. And it was loud. And it was in the back of his mind screaming to be heard. So he listened. The entire way home, he listened to it. And he let it manifest. The entire. Ride. Home.

He thought about how pretty her voice was when she laughed and imagined it'd be even prettier a few decibels higher and moaning his name. How that thick brown hair would look if it was dripping with sweat or wrapped around his hand while he was pulling it. How she didn't care if she wore a t-shirt and leggings, but how he wanted to take them off. He thought about what those eyes would like if they were rolled up to the ceiling and about what that mouth tasted like.

It was just a thought, though. And he let it run rampant for a moment. For the 15 minute ride home. He let it fester and grow and blossom into a full-blown fantasy. A fantasy of him digging deeper and deeper into her body and her fingernails clawing at his back as she ached for more. For 15 minutes. He let it go.

And then he closed it up. He sealed it away. Back into that box, stashed in the back of his brain. Maybe he'd let it come out again. Maybe he'd let it breathe for a moment. After he spent an hour or two with her on Friday. He'd let it out. Let it exercise. And then he'd lock it back up.

And return to it again only when he wanted to.


	13. What Would You Do?

**A/N:** This chapter is pretty short, but I just wanted to get an update up. It's shorter, but it's still good and it's a pretty lighthearted chapter. Couple **M** rated words in it, though. Next chapter will be lengthier and better content-wise.

Also, be easy on Jo in this chapter. I know you guys don't agree with her not telling Steph about Mike, (I don't either) but just be chill.

* * *

Jo turned the page of her book and continued to read, nudging her black-rimmed reading glasses up with her index finger. For the first time since she'd actually come back to the room while Stephanie was there, she was alone and in her element since Stephanie was in the shower. Surprisingly, things with Steph weren't at all awkward today. She was hoping that they were finally moving past it and Steph wasn't going to ask her any questions about why she was clearly avoiding her for the last few days.

She had an explanation, though. She drafted one up in her mind and perfected it so that if worst came to worst and she really did have to explain to Steph why she was avoiding her, she was prepared. She would simply tell her that she had been busy. That she wasn't purposely avoiding her, that she was just too busy to really deal with a bunch. And if that didn't work, then she'd tell her everything. She'd tell her that the real reason she was avoiding her was because of Mike. And she'd explain everything. About how Mike must've drugged her that night. About how he lured her up to his room. She'd tell her everything. But only if she asked.

In truth, she didn't see the point in bringing it up anymore. For one, she wasn't thinking about it so much anymore, and for two, she was fine. Seriously, she was fine. She didn't find herself thinking about it nearly as much as she used to and well… She must've been cured of anything residual because she could actually think about sex again. That was a big deal, by the way. The fact that she could actually allow herself to think about sex. Because for a while after it happened, her mind was closed to it. She wouldn't even allow herself to think about anything physical with a man because every time she did, she would break out in cold sweats and panic. But she didn't do that anymore. So she was better, right? So what was the point of bringing it up? There wasn't a point.

Just then, the curtain pulled apart and through it walked Steph, dripping wet and clutching a towel to her body. Jo looked up for a moment just to make sure that it was indeed her, and went back to reading. She didn't even acknowledge the fact that Steph had shook her head when she saw that she was _still_ reading.

She knew that Stephanie had been shooting her confused, pointed looks ever since she opened up the medical book and started devouring it the way most people read chapter romance novels, but she didn't care. Deep down, Jo embraced the fact that she was somewhat of a nerd. She preferred to read than go out and party, she liked to watch Star Wars and she enjoyed getting good grades. She was a nerd… She might as well embrace it.

"Are you seriously reading that?" she asked.

Jo dog-eared the page she was on and closed it. Not that Steph's comments made her, though. If it was up to her, she'd read all night if she could. But she was tired and she had lab tomorrow, so she figured it was as good a time as any to put the book down for the night. It was 11:30 after all. Nodding her head, she pulled her glasses off her face and folded them nicely before putting them on her nightstand.

"Yeah," she answered, fluffing up her pillow and grabbing her phone. "It's actually really interesting. It's not an anatomy book, so I'm not sitting here just looking at diagrams like a weirdo. It's an ethics book. It's telling me all about like complications in the medical field from ethical standpoints. It's actually a good read."

"I hate it when you act like a nerd." Steph quickly toweled off and stepped into a pair of pink underwear. "You're such a little nerd, Jo. You know that? You know that you're a nerd?"

Jo shrugged her shoulders and unlocked her cell phone. "So I've been told. I still think it's interesting." She scrolled quickly up her Twitter feed and wrinkled her brows. "Who was your tweet about? About hating when people act like they're above everyone else… Who was that about?"

"Who do you think?" Stephanie pulled a t-shirt over her head and collapsed on her bed as she pulled her hair out of the ponytail it was in.

"Leah?"

"You should've heard her at lunch before you came. She just kept talking about how she got a 12/10 on her last lab quiz because she corrected those two false questions for bonus. And she said it like right after me and Heather told Shane that we got 8/10s. It was so annoying. I swear I wanted to reach across the table and choke her." Jo shook her head and laughed. "I'm serious Jo. She was sitting there just bragging and she basically called Heather stupid. Because you know how Lu changes the quiz for each class? Like you know how he has different copies for different classes?" Jo nodded. "Well Heather said that she got number eight wrong and Leah was like 'WHAT? You'd have to be an idiot to get that wrong!' And I was literally like 'Leah. I'm gonna kill you.' It's like she didn't even know that it was two different quizzes. She just tries so hard to be smart."

Jo giggled and rolled her eyes up to the ceiling. "You know how she is. She just always wants to be the best. She can't take it if she's not the best at at least one thing. You know how she likes to brag. It's just Leah. It's how she is."

"But it's soooo annoying because Jo, she's not even smart! She just tries too hard to be! And it pisses me off because like...okay, there's you. You're actually smart and you get good grades and you're literally like a genius. But you don't go around bragging. You don't go around like flaunting your grades. And Leah's not even that smart and she does that. It's just so annoying."

"I know," Jo mumbled. In all honesty, Leah didn't really bother Jo. Maybe she was just mild-mannered compared to Steph, or maybe she just never really paid attention to Leah. But she really didn't understand why Steph was so ticked by it. She knew she was just venting though. Steph just needed to get it off her chest. She wasn't looking for someone to vent back because well… She knew that Jo was the wrong person to be looking for a trash-talking partner with. Jo didn't talk about people. It just wasn't her nature. If she ever said something truly nasty about a person, she would've had to be pretty pissed to do so. "But honestly, you should just ignore her. Like yeah she got a 12/10 on her lab quiz but her Histology grade sucks. And lab's only one credit. It doesn't really matter."

"What's her Histology grade?" Steph wondered aloud, raising her eyebrow. "Do you actually know it?"

"It's like… A 73% or something like that. I don't really know," Jo almost whispered. She didn't feel right discussing Leah's grade with Steph, especially when she knew that she wasn't really supposed to know it. She caught a glimpse of Alex's gradebook today though. "I know it's in the seventies though."

"Do you know mine?" Steph perked up. "Can you tell me mine?"

"89," Jo looked down and nervously picked at her fingernail beds.

"Sweet. So… Do you just know everyone's grades? Does Karev like… Let you put in grades and stuff? Is that how you know?"

"No," she shook her head. "No, he'd never let me. I just snuck a peek at his gradebook today. He was updating them and I looked. I wanted to just check mine but I looked at yours and Leah's too. Don't tell anyone. He could get in trouble if you told anyone and he doesn't even know I was looking."

"Who am I gonna tell?" Steph narrowed her eyes. Did she really think that she would tell? Is that how little Jo truly trusted her? "Yeah, because I'm totally gonna walk around telling random people 'Yeah my roommate Jo Wilson takes peeks at our TAs gradebook!' Get real, Jo."

"I was just saying," Jo shrugged and looked down at her phone, which now promptly had Instagram pulled up. "Go like my Instagram post. My latest one. I have 99 likes. I want 100."

"Okay Mrs. Bossy Pants," Steph picked her phone up and quickly unlocked it. "The selfie?" Jo nodded. "Oh yeah, by the way… When did you plan on telling me about your thing for Karev? I mean, I knew you were going down to his office after class every day but I didn't know you actually had a thing for the guy."

She grinned as her cheeks flushed. Damn, she couldn't hide it. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't hide the fact that she had a crush on that man. She didn't want to admit it, but every time someone even mentioned his name, she got all giddy and her cheeks got red and her face said it all and there was never any sense in denying what everyone could see. She would prefer to keep it a secret. She didn't want anyone to know about it because she knew it was stupid. She knew it was juvenile and immature and childish but she couldn't help it. Every time she even thought about him, her stomach did flips.

"It's not… A thing," she closed her eyes and put her head down. "I don't know… It came kind of fast."

"So… You really do? You really do have a thing for him?!" Steph's eyes got wide and Jo just helplessly nodded her head. Steph sprang up off her bed and bounded over to Jo's, flopping down hard on her stomach. "Oh my god! You have a crush! Okay so tell me! Tell me about it! When did it happen?! When did you… When did you realize?! Oh my god, Jo! You know how long it's been since you actually liked someone!?"

"I know, I know!" Jo just grinned as she covered her face with her hands. She didn't know what else to say. Because she didn't know the answer to anything she just asked. Still blushing, she took her hands down and sighed dreamily. "It happened so fast, Steph. I just… Like… One minute I was just down there hanging out and we were seriously friends. Like we sit down in his office and we have breakfast sometimes and we listen to music and we just… We talk. And it was like… Weird when it happened, really. Because I really just liked him as a friend and I didn't even think about him like that. But I left his office one day last week and all of a sudden I just like… Wanted to see him again. I wanted to see him again REAL bad. So I saw him again like...the next class period and I felt so… I don't know! And then we hung out after class and I was just like 'Oh crap!' And now… I just…"

"So what do you like about him?" Steph was smiling almost as wide as Jo was. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen her best friend so giddy and excited about a boy. Maybe it was sophomore year. "What are some of the things that made you like… Fall for him, I guess? Because I gotta be honest, I don't see it. He seems like such a tool. He takes off so many unnecessary points and then when you ask him about it he's all dismissive. He's an asshole."

"He's not, though," Jo defended and sighed again. She was almost floating on a cloud with just the thought of talking about him. God, she had butterflies. "He's like… Really funny. I laugh so hard every time we're together and he's so sweet. Like I tried to take turns buying the food… Because sometimes we eat while we're down there. And the first day he brought Doritos so the second day I brought a little bag of donuts and he brought orange juice. And today, he brought Krispy Kreme and orange juice so I told him that next time, I'll bring the food and he was all 'don't worry about it. I'll grab something from Dunkin'.' And then he went and stole a chair from the janitors for me. Because his office is down in the basement and there aren't any chairs down there really, so he took one from the janitors so I have somewhere to sit. He's just so sweet and he's funny and… Steph's he's hot. He wore a Polo today and his muscles were all big…ugh!"

"Oh my god…," Steph shook her head in disbelief and sputtered out a laugh. "You really _do_ have a thing for him. Why don't you make a move?!"

"Because he's my teacher! He's in charge of my grades! And he's 26!"

"So?! What does his age have to do with anything?! It's only five years!"

"He has a girlfriend! He's 26 with a girlfriend and I'm 21 and in college. He's probably… Like thinking about marriage. Five years isn't a big deal and I don't think it means anything, but he's 26 with a girlfriend. So they're probably thinking about getting married and eventually having a family. 21 and 26 are two different mindsets. He has a girlfriend, Steph…"

"Again, SO?! What his girlfriend doesn't know won't kill her."

"Once again, I'm not a homewrecker. I would never make a move on a guy that has a girlfriend. That's just… That's just disrespectful. And it's trashy."

"What if he made a move on you?" Steph raised her eyebrow. "What about then? What if he made a move on you?" Jo blushed for the billionth time of the night and smirked. "Would you?! Jo, would you have sex with him if he made a move on you?" Jo kept silent. "Would you?" Steph pressed.

"...He's my teacher!"

Steph sucked her teeth, "Oh, come on! You mean to tell me if you and him were sitting down in the basement...where _nobody_ could hear you…and he kissed you and started feeling you up, you'd say no? Because he's your teacher? And it's like...what? Illegal?"

Jo pursed her lips. "...It's not illegal, I checked. But… I...I don't know. I mean… I guess," she shrugged. "I wouldn't say no. If he wanted to have sex with me, I wouldn't say no. I would do it."

"You would?! You would have sex with a teacher?!" Steph's jaw dropped. " _JO_?! Jo _WILSON_?! Little JO?! Shy, quiet, timid little Jo would have sex with a teacher?!"

Jo shrugged her shoulders and nodded enthusiastically. "Hell yeah I would. I don't care. I would do it. In a heartbeat. If he made a move on me, I wouldn't push him away. I would do it."

Steph threw her head back and laughed hysterically. "...What about for a grade? Would you have sex with a teacher for a grade? Like… Say Dr. Donnelly last semester came to you and was like 'If you suck my dick, I'll give you an A.' Would you do it?"

Jo rolled her eyes up to the ceiling and gave it a moment's thought. "...Not with him, but I would do it in general."

"JO!"

"What?!"

"You would trade sexual favors for a GRADE?! Are you KIDDING?!"

"No, I totally would. But like… It depends who it is, really," Jo shrugged as if it was the most casual thing. "If Donnelly came to me and said it, hell no. If Leeds came to me and said it, hell no. But if a hot professor was like 'if you have sex with me, I'll give you an A,' I would totally do it. Because he's hot and I would've had sex with him either way. Might as well take the grade in exchange. If Alex was like 'have sex with me and I'll give you an A,' I'd take my clothes off in a hot second. My point is… I mean if the professor is hot and I would've screwed him anyway? Even without being offered the grade? Hell yeah. Might as well take the pleasure and the grade."

Steph shook her head, an amused look on her face. "You are not who I thought you were, Jose _phine_. Not at all."

"Well!" Jo threw her hands up. "You asked! Plus, it's not like they're saying 'if you don't have sex with me, I'll fail you.' That's totally different. That's when I would tell the board on him. Saying 'have sex with me and I'll give you an A' and 'have sex with me or I'll give you an F' are two different things."

"...True," Steph nodded. "That's true. I'd probably do it too. If he said the whole sex and A thing, I'd probably do it too. But I didn't expect you to say you'd do it. That's throwing me off. So you mean to tell me that you would have sex with Karev for an A?"

"I would have sex with Alex for free. But if he's offering the A, then hell freaking yes."

"I can't believe you…"

"I WOULD'VE HAD SEX WITH HIM EITHER WAY! I'm not just gonna be like 'no, don't give me an A, just give me the D!' Like who in their right mind wouldn't take that deal?!"

"He never said anything about giving you a D though!"

"Not _a_ D. _The_ D!"

Stephanie flopped back on Jo's bed and held her stomach as she laughed uncontrollably. This was why she loved Jo. She was so funny and carefree… She loved the way she was so poised and always so introverted and quiet but had a wild side. Jo was her best friend. Hands down.

Jo too closed her eyes and laughed. "I'm just saying… Nobody in their right mind is going to say no to that. Now if he threatened to fail me over not having sex with him then there would be a problem… But if he said 'hey Jo, blow me _and_ I'll give you an A', guess where I'll be? On my knees, that's where."

"God… I gotta admit, I kind of want you to screw Karev now… Just to see you get the A and the D at the same time."

Jo rolled her eyes. "Not gonna happen though. Alex is super professional. And his girlfriend is like… Freaking gorgeous. She looks like freaking Scarlett Johansson. She's this gorgeous blonde bombshell and then there's me… I'm a lump."

"Don't say that Jo," Stephanie mumbled, suddenly serious. "You're not a lump. And I'm serious. You're gorgeous."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Jo looked down. She heard that a lot, actually. Tons of people called her pretty. But if she was being totally honest? She never really believed it. She knew she wasn't ugly. She knew she wasn't someone that people looked at and snubbed their noses at. But sometimes, she just didn't feel pretty. She had boring brown hair and dull brown eyes and rolls on her stomach when she sat down. Her eyebrows were thick and kind of bushy, her teeth were crooked and her ears were big, but the thing she hated the most...the thing she was most insecure about were the tiny brown freckles all over her body. She thought those were hideous.

"I'm serious… Jo, you're drop dead gorgeous. And I'm not just saying that because you're my best friend. I'm saying that because I hate you every single day because you're gorgeous. I'm so serious. You're gorgeous. You could honestly be a model."

"Don't get ahead of yourself, Steph," Jo mumbled.

"See?! You think I'm just saying it to be nice but I'm not. Jo, if you were ugly, I would tell you. Not to your face, but… I wouldn't be sitting here trying to convince you. I'd just be like 'yeah…everyone's beautiful on the inside though.' I wouldn't be doing this. You're so pretty, Jo. So pretty. I wouldn't mind looking like you."

"Stop it. Okay? Stop. Even if I am pretty… It doesn't mean Alex will even…" She sighed. "It's just better off as a crush. He doesn't even look at me like that."

"How do you know?"

"Believe me, I know."


	14. Only Fooling Myself

With her hands deep in the pockets of her brightly colored tie-dye sweatshirt, Jo kept her head down as she wandered over to the ice cream machine. She was tired from having only slept for three hours last night, tired from having a full day of classes and tired from working a five hour shift, and all she wanted to do was go back to her room and lie down for the night even though it wasn't even 8:00 in the evening yet. She felt like a sponge. Like someone had stuck her in a bucket of water and let her absorb all the water she could hold, and then wrung her out and hung her up to try. She was tired, weak and she really thought that she could pass out at any moment.

But she grabbed a white glass bowl from the piles on the shelves underneath the ice cream machine anyway and laid her hand on the metal lever to disperse vanilla soft serve. She filled her bowl with a decent amount, turned the container of rainbow sprinkles over above it and dragged her feet right back over to the table with her friends.

She plopped back down in her spot next to Heather, picked up her spoon and scooped up a little bit of the ice cream. In truth, she was much too tired to eat. She got a plate of spaghetti, ate all the meatballs, pushed it away. Got a slice of pizza, picked the pepperoni off, nibbled at the crust and pushed it away. She just wasn't hungry. But the last thing she ate was a granola bar before class this morning so she figured she should eat _something_ just to ensure she didn't kill over and die.

"You look like death," Leah exclaimed and scooted her cup of coffee across the table. "Here. Drink it."

Jo wrinkled her eyebrows at the steaming hot cup and pushed it away with her pinky finger. Even if she wanted the coffee, she wouldn't have drunk off of Leah. And it wasn't because she was one of those people that thought it was gross to drink off people she was close to, because she wasn't. She'd drink off of Steph is the situation called for it and back when she was dating that guy sophomore year, she used to drink off of him. It was because she didn't trust Leah. Leah wasn't a whore or anything like that, but she wasn't…the best. It was no secret that she did things to lots of boys with her mouth. Jo just wasn't interested, but she would never say that to Leah's face. She just wasn't in the business of intentionally hurting feelings.

"Leave her alone," Steph mumbled with a mouthful of lettuce and Caesar dressing, in Jo's defense. "She didn't sleep last night and she had classes from eight a.m. to twelve. Then she worked from one to six. She's tired."

Heather licked grease from her taco off her thumb and spoke up. "So I guess now would be a bad time to ask you if you could tutor me for my ethics test tomorrow..."

Jo shot her a blank look and felt her shoulders slouch. She didn't want to tell her no. She didn't want to turn her away and say "no, you're going to have to fail your test." But she was so tired. She was hardly keeping her eyes open even sitting at the table.

"Heather, I…," she started and sighed. She felt bad. "I can tutor you for an hour but after that… If you don't let me sleep, I'm pretty sure I'll die."

"I'll pay you," Heather offered, completely serious.

Jo knew she was serious, too. It was no secret that Heather was the only one sitting at the table that would graduate from Princeton this semester with no debt. Her parents could afford to pay for almost anything, and they did. Heather had the nicest car, the nicest room, and she was always stocked with food in her dorm. Jo knew that she could practically name a price that she wanted and Heather would fork it over without even a second thought. She thought about it for a moment, too. She could use gas money for the rest of the week to get to and from work since she didn't get paid until next week. She could use a couple bucks to buy deodorant and toothpaste because she was running low. She could use a little bit of pocket change to buy laundry detergent and dryer sheets. And her sneakers were worn clear to the soles of her feet, which is why she'd been wearing moccasins an awful lot lately.

But she just couldn't bring herself to take Heather's money, so she just shrugged. "You know you don't have to pay me, Heather."

"Well you're tired and I really really need your help...you're the only person I know that passed Bioethics with an A," Heather rebuked. "And if I fail this first exam then I'm gonna have to withdraw from the class because we only get two exams the entire semester so if you fail one, you're basically fucked. And I don't even know what the hell I'm doing."

"Relax. I said I'll help you," Jo spooned more ice cream into her mouth. "But you really probably shouldn't have come to me the _day_ before your test."

"I know, but…" Heather sighed and used her fork to poke through her bowl of Spanish rice. "What about tomorrow? Do you just want to do it tomorrow? I know that's pushing it, but I really do feel bad about keeping you awake when you're this tired. I can just walk over in the morning, if you want."

Jo swallowed her mouthful of ice cream and licked her lips. "What time is your class?"

"Twelve," Heather replied. "I can just come over at like ten or eleven if that works for you."

Jo quickly shook her head. Okay, so tomorrow was Friday. And if she really wanted to, she _could_ make that work. After all, she _did_ get out of Histology at 9:50. She could definitely make it back to her dorm by ten and tutor Heather for a few hours before her test tomorrow afternoon. But that _really_ wasn't a good time for her. Not whenever she had plans...and she definitely wasn't about to cancel seeing Alex just to tutor Heather. Okay so maybe she was selfish, but so what? If she didn't see Alex tomorrow, that would mean that she wouldn't see him again until Monday and that was NOT about to happen.

"Tomorrow morning's not good for me," she said shortly. "Just come over tonight. I'll tutor you until ten."

Steph wrinkled her brow. It was only a few weeks into the new semester, but she already had Jo's schedule memorized and she knew fairly well that Jo's first class was with her at 9:00 and she didn't have another until 11:00. Her schedule was the same every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. She was free tomorrow morning, she knew that much. And not that it was any of her business, but she wondered _why_ tomorrow morning wasn't good for Jo. Was there something going on? Or did she just want to sleep in?

"What's going on tomorrow?" Steph asked point blank.

"Nothing," Jo responded with lightning quick speed. "Nothing, I just… I'll probably still be tired, so I'll just probably want to come to the dorm and nap for a little while after class, that's all."

Steph looked at her quizzically and smirked. She knew what was going on. There was only one reason Jo ever got squirmy and stuttery whenever she answered questions, because naturally, Jo was a pretty tranquil person. But Steph knew that sound. She knew what it meant when Jo tripped over her syllables and sounded nervous and took almost rehearsed pauses between words. It was the same kind of reason that made her cheeks blush and her lips smile. Steph wasn't dumb.

"...You're hanging out with Karev tomorrow, aren't you?" Steph challenged but Jo didn't answer; struggling to maintain a straight face instead. "Aren't you?" She pressed.

"...Maybe," Jo murmured and turned away from her friends. Her cheeks were flushed bright red and she couldn't contain the smile that was breaking through, so she had to turn away. It was her only defense. When she figured she'd calmed down enough, she turned back to the three girls she was sitting with and studied their faces. Leah had her eyebrows raised as if she was waiting for an answer, Heather looked hopeful as if she was counting on one and Steph, with a smirk on her face, already knew it. Jo caved and sighed. "Look… Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I am unavailable from 9:50 to 10:50. Sometimes it runs from 9:50 to 11:50, but that usually depends on whether my 11:00 class is cancelled or not. Okay?"

Steph giggled and turned to Heather and Leah to fill them in. "She goes down…in the basement… every day after Histology...from 9:50 to 10:50…and hangs out with our TA."

Leah's jaw dropped. "Every day?" She was suddenly curious. "What do you guys _DO_ down there for a whole hour?!"

"Nothing!" Jo held her hands up. All of a sudden, she felt...rejuvenated. Every time she talked about Alex, she felt this way. Like butterflies were running rampant through her stomach, like she drank an entire can of Red Bull, like she could do anything in the world and ultimately like she could be awake for hours on end. Why did he do that to her? "We just… Talk, mostly. We talk, sometimes he puts on music, sometimes we have breakfast. We just hang out."

"Sounds like you guys are flirting," Heather shook her head.

"It's not like that," Jo insisted. "We're really just friends. We hang out. Sometimes I help him grade papers but it's not that often. We really just sit down there and talk. He's really cool. He's like one of us… I swear it's not like that."

"Uh-huh, yeah. If it wasn't like that, you wouldn't have this big fat crush on him." Leah rolled her eyes playfully.

Steph, of course, took the opportunity to speak up. "She said the other day that she'd screw him for an A." Jo's jaw dropped and Leah and Heather both gasp. Stephanie laughs hysterically. "She sure did. She told me that she would straight up sleep with the guy for a grade."

"Jo!" Heather gasped.

"I can't believe you!" Leah beamed. She didn't know why, but the sudden spilled beans about Jo really resonated with her. It was almost like Jo was humanized. Since the day that she met Jo, she always thought that she was nothing short of perfect. She was aesthetically beautiful, she had the most gentle personality that was evenly balanced with a hot temper, and not to mention, she was brilliant. Jo was always so perfect but now… Well now, she was just like the them. She was just as normal as they were. "You really would sleep with him for a grade? You would sleep with...any professor? For a grade?"

Jo hesitated for a moment before responding. She wasn't sure exactly what it was, but something in Leah's voice didn't set well with her. Her tone was almost...accusatory, in a way. Finally, she shook her head and sighed. "No. I wouldn't," she began. "I mean… I would but…" she sighed again. She wasn't sure exactly how to explain what she meant, but she'd give it a try. She didn't want her friends to think that she was classless and skanky. "Okay, yes. I would sleep with a professor. BUT I wouldn't sleep with him with the intention of getting a good grade. You know?"

Leah and Heather both shook their heads, a little lost on what she was trying to say. Heather, genuinely interested and Leah, ready to pounce. Jo rolled her eyes.

"Okay, seriously. I'll say it right off the bat, yes. Yes, I would sleep with a professor. But I wouldn't like… You know… Go up to them and be like 'Hey, I'll give you a blowjob if you change my C to an A. That's not what I mean. I mean I'd sleep with a professor because I don't really give a damn. If you're hot, you're hot. If I'd have sex with him anyway and he said 'Sleep with me and I'll give you an A,' I'd have sex with him. You get it? Like if I would've had sex with him anyway, I might as well do it and take the grade. But I'm not going to go up and ask them to change my grade in exchange for a blowjob. That's not right."

Heather's eyes widened. "Oh! So you mean… I get it," she nodded her head. "You mean like you're not going to go up to the guy and try and change your grade by having sex with him, but if you would've had sex with him anyway and he offers you the grade, you'd do it. That makes sense."

Jo nodded her head. "Exactly. Like you're hot and I'd bang you for free, so I might as well take the grade to go with it. It's not like I'm gonna go up to Leeds or Lu and be like 'change this and I'll go down on you.' No. It's not like that. It's like having sex and letting the man buy you dinner afterward. You didn't have sex FOR the dinner but the dinner was a nice gift."

Leah shook her head. "I just can't believe you'd sleep with a professor. I-I mean… You're _Jo_. I didn't think you'd sleep with a professor. He's...they're...they're authoritarians."

"So?" Jo wrinkled her brows. First off, she didn't quite like the way Leah said her name and secondly, why was she shaking her head? "Just because he's in charge of me and my grades doesn't mean he's any less attractive. The president of the United States is in charge of all of us but there are still people out there that think Obama's sexy."

"So what if when you're a doctor?" Leah countered, and Jo could tell by the tone of her voice that she was just being antagonistic. "And the head of the hospital or the practice you're working at comes to you and offers you a promotion in exchange for a blowy? Would you say yes?"

"It depends on what he looks like," Jo was quick on the defense. "I think you got me all wrong, Leah. I'm not saying I'm some slut that's gonna sleep with a bunch of people to advance my career and crap like that, what I'm saying is that if I was going to do it anyway, then I'm not going to say no."

"How is that _not_ the same thing, though? Jo, if you're sleeping with someone for a grade and for a promotion, it's the same thing and it's still skanky."

"But it's NOT the same thing. I'm not asking for the grade OR the promotion. I'm just saying that-"

"It's still slutty, no matter what."

"You're not letting me-"

"You don't have to finish. It's slutty and there's nothing else to it."

"Yeah, but-"

"It's slutty. End of discussion."

It was like someone flipped a switch. A switch that had been left dormant for so long that it started to collect dust in the depths of her being. A switch that she knew was there, but a switch she was always careful to not mess with. She had managed for a while but low and behold, Leah flipped that switch and it was like the floodgates open and anger, white hot and bubbling, flushed through her body. She felt herself get hot, too. And her jaw clenched, but she couldn't choke it back. She stood up quickly, knocking her glass of soda and Stephanie's water over in the process.

"IF THE GUY IS HOT AND I'D _FUCK_ HIM WHETHER HE WAS GIVING ME THE GRADE OR NOT THEN I'M GOING TO SAY YES. THAT'S LIKE YOU HAVING SEX WITH SOME GUY YOU HAD A CRUSH ON AND HIM OFFERING YOU MONEY FOR IT. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU THE MONEY. YOU DIDN'T FUCK HIM FOR THE MONEY. YOU _FUCKED_ HIM BECAUSE HE WAS HOT. NOW IF HE WANTS TO GIVE YOU THE MONEY AFTERWARDS THEN FINE. THAT'S ON HIM. BUT YOU DIDN'T ASK HIM FOR THE MONEY AND YOU DIDN'T DO IT WITH THE MONEY IN MIND. YOU DIDN'T GO TO HIM AND SAY 'HEY GIVE ME TWENTY BUCKS AND I'LL BLOW YOU. HE-"

Steph's eyes grew at least ten sizes and her jaw dropped. She knew that Jo had a temper. She'd seen it before, on more than one occasion. But she honestly never saw it happen quite like this. "Jo...Jo, sit down," she put her hand on Jo's shoulder and tried to get her to sit down, but Jo snatched away.

"NO! GET OFF ME! SHE'S NOT ABOUT TO SIT HERE AND CALL ME A WHORE WHEN IT'S-"

"You're way overreacting, dude. Nobody's calling you a whore. You didn't even do it. Now if you did do it...and it's sounding like you're thinking about it...then you are a bit floozy," Leah shook her head with a smug grin and took a sip of her iced tea. Again, she didn't know why, but she really liked seeing Jo blow up. She liked seeing the red contrast of her face, the way the veins in her neck popped out and the way her body shake. Perhaps it was because that alone was even more proof that Jo was flawed way beyond what she'd ever let them believe.

At the smirk on Leah's face, Jo barreled forward with the full intention of diving across the table and going after her, but Steph stood between the two as a barrier and held her hands out.

"JO, CALM DOWN!"

"No, I'm so tired of her, Steph! I'm so tired of her always walking around thinking she's better than everyone and trying to make it seem like-"

"Jo, you're blowing this way out of proportion!" Steph pushed her away from Leah. "It's not that big of a deal!" Leah just sat in her chair with her straw in her mouth, giggling under her breath at Jo's reaction to the entire situation. "Leah, you MIGHT want to stop laughing because if I let her go she's GOING to kick your ass and she may be small but she _can_ fight. So it's within your best interest to shut the hell up," Stephanie snapped.

"She's just…," Leah laughed. "So mad because she's thinking about it. She's so mad because she's _actually_ thinking about screwing a professor and doesn't want to be called a skank for it."

Since Steph was holding her back and she couldn't get ahold of Leah herself, Jo quickly and swiftly picked up the metal napkin holder in the middle of the table and before Leah, Steph or Heather even realized she had it in her hand, she chucked it across the table and narrowly missed cracking Leah in the head with it. It slammed into the wall behind her and hit it with such impact that it fell completely apart and into two pieces, and the entire cafeteria was silent for a moment.

"Jo!" Stephanie squeezed her shoulders and pushed her back. "Stop!"

"Let me go, Steph," she mumbled through clenched teeth. "Let me go."

"No… I'm not letting you go."

"Let. Me. Go." Jo bit her bottom lip hard to stop it from trembling. Tears, hot and thick, ran down her cheeks and her entire body shook. She hated that. She hated that 90% of the time, her anger ended in tears because usually, that led whoever it was to believe that they won. That they got the best of her. And while that was probably true, crying had nothing to do with her being weak. Crying was just what happened when she got angry. "Let me go, I gotta get out of here."

"You're gonna leave?"

"Yes! Now let me the hell go." Gently but with still enough force to send her stumbling backwards, Jo pushed Stephanie away and picked her phone up off the table. She blew right past Leah, angrily swatting her iced tea away when she did, and left the cafeteria with anger still pulsing through her body.

* * *

 **Thursday, January 28, 2016**

 **8:38 p.m.**

 **iMessage**

 **Alex:** where r u?

 **8:45 p.m.**

 **Lucy:** Sorry working late won't be home until later g2g

With that, Alex sucked his teeth, leaned across the bed, plugged his phone into the charger and left it to rest on the nightstand. He hated when she did that. He wasn't mad at her for working late, of course. He was pissed that she didn't tell him though. She did that all the time. How hard was it for her to shoot him a text or a two minute phone call to let him know that he didn't have to wait up for her?

Because he always did. He always waited to shower because he knew that she liked to shower first, especially on days that she worked because chances are she dealt with blood for the day and she felt dirty. If he had known that she wouldn't be home until way later, he would've _been_ showered and _been_ in bed. He hated when she did that shit.

He pulled his t-shirt over his head and tossed it in the dirty clothes hamper. He unzipped his jeans, pulled them down along with his boxer shorts and tossed them there too before walking to the bathroom.

Usually, he would wait up for her. He'd go in the living room and turn on a movie or some kind of corny comedy show and pop himself a bag of popcorn. And he'd wait. Wait to hear about her day, wait for her to come in and probably complain about how badly her feet hurt, probably wait for her to complain about how he didn't wash the dishes right and probably ask him to make her dinner plate. But he'd wait anyway because it's just what he did.

But tonight, he wasn't equipped to wait. He was tired and he wanted to try to get a few extra hours of sleep since he was going to wake up at 6:30 instead of 7:00 just to keep his promise. Granted, tomorrow was an early day and he was dreading it, he was also kind of looking forward to it, too. Well for one, because tomorrow was Friday and it meant that he was free for Saturday and Sunday. But also because he got to see her tomorrow. He kind of missed her.

In fact, he found himself wondering what she was doing on his way home today. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, he was only on campus for three hours while he sat in and attended one of Dr. Leeds' lab classes, and usually Tuesdays and Thursdays were blow off days. But he went to the cafeteria to grab some lunch this afternoon and he was hoping that he'd run into her, but no such luck. He missed her. He wondered where she was at. He wondered what her schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays was like and he wondered if he ever had a chance of seeing her.

But he'd see her tomorrow. Even if it was only for an hour, at least he'd get to see her. He was going to run to Dunkin too, just like he promised. Sure it was kind of out of the way and he should've held his tongue when he told her that he usually stopped at Dunkin Donuts in the morning before work, but waking up half an hour earlier wasn't unreasonable. He'd do it just to keep his promise to her.

As the shower spray beat down on his body and seemingly washed all his cares down the drain, he allowed himself to think about her for the first time today. Sure he'd thought about her today already. He thought about what she was doing and he thought about what she'd might like from Dunkin Donuts since he never asked her, but that was silly stuff. Alas, for the first time today, he allowed himself to _really_ think about her.

He couldn't wait to see her tomorrow. He couldn't wait to have one of their talks. He couldn't wait to chow down on junk and listen to her laugh at the sarcastic remarks he made that weren't nearly as funny as she pretended they were.

He really did like Jo. He thought she was a pretty neat person. She got all his sarcasm, she understood his dry humor, she laughed at his crass jokes and she was pretty funny herself. When he first invited her down to his office, it was because he felt bad. He felt bad for the way she seemed to be a loner and for the way that she was always so polite and never seemed to get much of anything in return from anyone. It started because he felt bad. But the more he hung out with her, the more he realized that she was actually someone he would be friends with. She reminded him a lot of himself in certain ways.

And then, of course, there was _that_.

The fact that she was probably the most beautiful girl he ever laid his eyes on. He didn't want to think about that, but he did. It was hard not to. It wasn't like he didn't feel bad for thinking about it either, because he did. He felt horrible. Every single time she crossed his mind and he thought about her like that, he felt badly. Because in all sincerity, he knew deep down that Jo wasn't that kind of girl. She didn't have a boyfriend or anything like that, but she did have morals and decency and a brain in her head; three things he seemed to lack when it came to her.

He sighed and put that part of his mind to rest, at least until tomorrow.

* * *

"But the difference between Kantian Ethics and Utilitarianism isn't necessarily beneficence vs. autonomy, you know?" Jo swept a thick piece of her damp hair out of her way and pointed to Heather's open book, which was laying on the bed. "It goes a little further than that and if he asks you to explain he's probably looking for you to take it a step further."

Heather nodded her head and scrubbed her fluorescent yellow highlighter along the piece of text Jo was pointing to. She actually understood something. She didn't understand why Jo would make her understand something her professor couldn't. Jo always made things easier, though. She always did. Finally though, she closed her book and sat upright.

"You got it?" Jo asked her, sitting up too. Though she was still very much as tired as she was down in the cafeteria and dressed in her pajamas ready to go to bed, she did care. She wanted Heather to understand. "You understand it or do you want me to explain it a little more?"

"No, I think I got it," Heather shoved her book back into her bag and zipped it up. "Thank you, Jo… I owe you one."

"No problem," Jo replied politely.

Her easy, peaceful mood was a complete paradox to what it had been earlier and Heather was surprised. She was surprised when Jo texted her and asked her if she still wanted to come over and study but when she walked into their dorm and saw that Jo was happy as she ever been, she was downright shocked.

Heather slung her bag over her shoulder and swiped her phone up off the ground before turning around to leave. She knew she probably shouldn't, but she couldn't just let herself leave without at least offering one more time. She offered twice already and was rejected both times but it just didn't seem fair. So she turned back around and looked at Jo for a moment. Jo, who sat on her bed in flannel pajama pants, an oversized t-shirt with thick brunette hair that was wet from her shower. Jo, who was violent enough to break a metal napkin holder, but still so gentle enough to help a friend for two hours just to ensure she didn't fail her test.

"Hey Jo, are you um…" Heather started, stuffing her hand into her back pocket. "Sure?" She offered her the two crumpled up twenty dollar bills again. "Are you sure?"

"Mhm," Jo answered without a thought. She could use the forty bucks for so, so many things but she couldn't bring herself to take it. Heather was her friend. And in her mind...you don't take money from friends. "I'm sure. You can keep your money."

She wanted to, but Heather wasn't going to fight her on it. She figured fighting her on it would be offensive. So even though she didn't want to, she stuffed the money back into her pocket and turned to leave. But...she turned back again.

"You know what, Jo?" Jo untwisted her lock of hair from around her finger and looked at Heather, waiting for more. "For what it's worth...I think Leah's wrong about you."

Jo wrinkled her brow. "Wrong about what?"

"Just the stuff that she says about you," Heather replied coolly. Jo tilted her head and Heather knew that she didn't know what she was referring to. "She says a lot of stuff about you sometimes. Mostly to me and Shane, really but...yeah. But she's wrong. Really wrong."

"...She doesn't like me?" Jo wondered.

Heather shook her head. "I guess you could kind of guess that from tonight, but-"

"No wonder," Jo mumbled and looked down, a little bit hurt at the realization. She had always told herself that it didn't matter whether or not people didn't like her and she genuinely did try to live by that standard but it hurt and she couldn't pretend like it didn't. "I always thought we were cool. It seemed so sudden the way she just kind of started mocking me today at dinner but…" her voice trailed. "She never acted like she didn't like me."

"Leah's fake, you should know that by now," Heather shrugged. "But she doesn't. She talks so much crap about you. I never wanted to get in the middle but I think you deserve to know that I think she's really wrong."

"What's she say?"

"Nothing. Just mostly stupid stuff. Like how you think you're better than everyone and how you're a bitch and a snob and holier-than-thou and self-centered. I never really did agree with her, but-"

"You know if you did agree with her, you could tell me." Jo licked her lips. She wanted to cry, but she wouldn't. She was just...hurt. Genuinely. Every time Steph would talk about Leah, she'd never join in because she thought Leah was her friend and she'd never talk about her friends. She thought they were friends...but she hated her? All this time, she secretly hated her? "If you do think I'm all those things, you can tell me Heather."

"I...I used to," Heather shrugged. "I used to think you did act like you were holier-than-thou but it's...it's really not an act with you. It's actually who you are. And Leah is so wrong. You're not a bitch. I think...I think-"

"Do I act like that sometimes? Because if I do, I don't mean it, it's just that-"

"No. You don't," Heather stopped her. "You're just really private. Like when we used to talk about like...sex and stuff and about our private lives, you never would really say anything so it kind of came across as you thinking you're better than us but you're just private. I think that's why Leah had so much fun with the fact that you said you'd sleep with a teacher. Because she found a flaw and she ran with it."

"A flaw?"

"Yeah. I...I'm not gonna lie to you. Back when I used to agree with Leah, we used to sit around and try to pick out your flaws. Because you're kind of perfect, Jo. So we used to try to find things wrong with you and we never could so it was-"

"I'm not perfect."

"But Jo, you...are. Perfect GPA, perfect grades, perfect hair, perfect body, perfect look...it's just hard to really accept the fact that you're perfect and not...a bitch, you know? Because usually when you see girls like you, they have a snooty bitch personality to go with it all and you...don't. So we used to try and figure out why you seemed too good to be true."

"Really?"

"Really. But for what it's worth, Leah's wrong. And I'm gonna tell her that she's wrong, too. You're really just a good person."

"...Thank you."

 **X X X**

Stephanie stumbled into the dorm, her hands full with a bottle of water, her cell-phone and her iPod and raised her eyebrows when she saw Jo standing at the counter in the kitchen stirring a bowl of chicken flavored Ramen noodles.

"Hey," she greeted, walking over to the trashcan to throw her empty bottle away. "I thought you were tired, why are you sleeping?"

"Heather just left, and I figured I should eat something before I go to bed since I didn't eat much of anything today," Jo responded. She sprinkled salt into her noodles and picked up the bowl.

"Are you feeling okay?" Steph asked as she followed Jo to the couch. She sat down next to her and crossed her legs. "After what happened at dinner?"

"I'm fine." Jo blew on her forkful of noodles and shoved them into her mouth. "Although now I'm really wishing you let me beat her ass. Did you know Leah doesn't like me? Yeah, and she's been talking shit to Heather this whole time about what a bitch and a snob I am. I thought we were friends and the whole time she was just-"

"Screw her," Steph mumbled. "She ought to be thanking me because if I let you go, she would be in the hospital right now."

"Yeah but still, I can't believe she-"

"Screw her. I don't know why you let her bother you that much when you know Leah's irrelevant as hell anyway. She can't even pass Histology, she's never gonna make it into led school, she's gonna be a bum for the rest of her life, she _barely_ made it into Princeton, why are you letting her get to you? And it's not any of her business. If you wanna screw a teacher, screw a teacher. It's not her business anyway."

"You're right."

* * *

Jo secured the book underneath her arm and, with a smile as bright as the moon on her face, walked quickly down the flight of steps. She had been down here so many times that she was starting to not even notice the funny smell the way she did when she was still just new to coming down here. She was used to it by now and it didn't bother her. She side-stepped the usual mops and buckets that the janitors left scattered throughout the hallway and she bypassed an open supply closet. And she made it to his door. It was open, waiting for her entrance, and he was inside it off course.

God, she couldn't believe that she was here! She'd been waiting ever since she left him on Wednesday and it seemed like a century. When she woke up this morning, she hurried up and put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt because the sooner she got to class, the sooner she'd be able to see him. Even if he was sitting down next to Dr. Leeds while she was sitting in the chairs, she still got to see him. So she hurried up and got dressed and she tossed her hair up in a ponytail and she almost broke her neck walking to class. She had to pee before she came down here but here she was, a bright and early "9:55" and she was still angry that five minutes of her time with him was gone.

She felt like a child. Like a stupid, immature, insolent little child that couldn't wait to see what presents Santa left under the tree on Christmas morning. So she stood in the hallway for a few moments, out of his view, and calmed herself down before she clenched her hand into a fist and softly knocked on the glass of his door.

Instinctively, Alex looked up from the pile of papers in front of him and let a sly grin appear before quickly wiping it away. He couldn't wait to see her either. He woke up this morning and got dressed, the whole time thinking about this moment right here. The moment where she'd wander into his office and they'd have at least an hour to spend together. He missed her. But he didn't want her to know that, so he shrugged coolly and played it off.

"Come in," he mumbled. "I dunno why you bother knocking, it's not like I'm not expecting you."

"Just to be courteous," Jo replied and shut the door behind her. She knew that she probably shouldn't. She knew that shutting the door was probably wrong because shutting the door with an authoritarian and a student in the room alone was something that was so very wrong but she had to. She HAD to be completely alone with him. "I brought your book back."

"You read it already?" Alex raised his eyebrows.

"Uh-huh," Jo nodded. "All 227 pages." She sat down in her normal chair across from his desk and looked around. There wasn't anything on it, either. No bags, no boxes, no packaged plastic. Nothing. Where was the food? "Did you for-"

Before she could finish her thought, Alex reached down beside his feet, and when he sat back upright, he set a white paper bag on top of his desk with the "Dunkin Donuts" logo across the middle. Without a word, he opened the mini fridge beneath his desk and grabbed the large cup of iced hazelnut coffee and put it there too.

"...You didn't forget," Jo smiled and took custody of the bag. Alex just shook his head and pretended to be interested in the papers he was grading. Jo opened the bag and looked in on what was about half a dozen assorted donuts. She reached in and plucked one with pink frosting and rainbow sprinkles on it out. "Where's your coffee?"

"I drank mine already. I didn't know if you like iced coffee or not, so I took a chance but I figured if I got you hot coffee it'd be cold by the time you got it. But if you don't like the coffee, don't feel bad about pitching it."

"I work in a coffee shop, I like iced coffee fine," Jo insisted with a mouthful of donut. She slammed her straw down on the desk to break open the paper and stuck it down into her coffee cup. She took a quick sip of it and washed down her food. "Thank God you didn't forget. I'm starving."

"Gimme one of them donuts," Alex mumbled and scribbled a grade at the top of the paper. Jo handed the bag over to him and crossed her legs. "How's the coffee taste? I told them cream and sugar and it's hazelnut, so…"

"It's good," Jo licked frosting off her fingers and took another sip. "It doesn't taste like hazelnut though."

"Really?"

She took another sip to further test her theory and shook her head. "No. It tastes like regular coffee." Alex's mouth twisted into a grimace, and Jo grinned. "Here. Taste it. It doesn't taste like it, does it?"

Hesitantly, Alex took the cup away from her and placed his mouth around the same straw that was just in hers. Jo didn't know why, but when she saw him do that, the butterflies in her stomach went racing. It was almost like they were kissing. His lips were now tasting hers and well that… Was to die for.

"Tastes like regular coffee," Alex agreed and handed it back. He watched as she licked her lips free of donut crumbs. Those lips…damn, those lips. They were so full and perfectly pink. And she was licking them… God, he wanted to taste those lips. "W-what's been…," his voice trailed as he took once last look at those lips and flickered his eyes back to her face. "What's been up?"

"Nothing," Jo shrugged her shoulders and leaned forward, resting her elbows on his desk. "Thinking about skipping my 11:00 class…"

"You haven't been to that class all week, I swear."

"I went on Monday! It was cancelled on Wednesday… I can skip today," she reasoned and found her eyes drawn to his hands. Of all things, his hands. His fingernails were nice and clean and his fingers were long and kind of bony. And his knuckles were hairy. She crossed her legs at the thought of where she wanted his hands-his fingers, in particular-to be. "What's been going on with you? Haven't talked to you since Wednesday...anything new?"

"Eh, not really," he shrugged and turned to a new paper.

The silence between them was heavy, but not at all awkward. He listened intently to the sound of her breathing and she listened to his own scratching across the paper and they were both content. His thoughts were running wild, filled with all the dirty, sinful things he wanted to do to her and hers filled with the things she'd allow him to do. It was different this time. It wasn't the first time they'd been alone, of course. But it was different.

This time, he missed her. This time, he was waiting with burdening anticipation for her to show up and knock on his door and eat donuts and talk. And this time...he could feel that she missed him too.

She was chewing on her straw. Her coffee straw was in her mouth being mutilated and destroyed and chewed and mauled and he wanted it in his too. He wanted to grab her coffee, slide it over to him, take that straw and bite on it too. He wanted to taste her mouth. He wanted to taste other things too…like the tender soft skin on her neck, the creases between her legs...but most of all, he wanted to taste her mouth.

He was grading papers. The pen was in his hand, between his thumb and forefinger and they were moving in rhythm while he wrote. She wanted to throw the pen across the room and tell him to move those fingers in the same rhythm, but somewhere else.

"How've classes been?" Alex finally broke the silence and snapped himself out of his thoughts; his dirty, sinful thoughts.

Jo took a moment to collect herself too and shook her head. "They've...they've been alright," she nodded this time. "Boring. What about your classes? When do you even go to them? If you're always here?"

"I'm only here for three hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have classes from 3-7 Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm here from 9-11 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then I gotta drive to Rutgers and be at classes."

"Oh." Jo sat back and sighed. She sipped her coffee through the chewed-up straw and looked around.

"You ever work things out with your roommate?" he asked.

"...Yeah," Jo answered honestly. In truth, she couldn't believe that he even remembered that she'd been having trouble with Steph. He really did listen to her when she spoke. "We're good now."

"You never did tell me what the problem was," he mumbled and finally put his pen down. He turned in his swivel chair to face his computer and clicked around. "You just gonna leave me guessing?"

"It was a boy," Jo admitted but still remained as vague as humanly possible. "Boy troubles."

Alex snickered and shook his head. "So how'd you guys squash _that_?"

"I moved on," Jo quipped.

"Oh? That's good… Who's the lucky guy?"

Jo bit her lip. She knew she was going to regret saying that. She knew as soon as it came out of her mouth that she gave away too much. She took a breath and looked down at the ice floating in her coffee.

"You don't know him," she lied. But it was a convincing lie. She didn't even sound like she was lying. But she was. Stone faced and stone cold. She was a liar.

"Obviously," Alex mumbled. "...What's his name, though?"

"None of your business!" Jo felt herself blushing and she silently prayed to GOD that he didn't look her way. "God, do you always stick your nose this far in your students' business?"

"Only the ones I like," he shrugged and Jo blushed harder.

"...So you _like_ me now?"

"No. I just buy you donuts and let you slum it down here with me for no good reason at all."

Silence again. Jo didn't know what to say back and Alex didn't know how to keep it going. So they were silent again. Until…

"Have you ever had a crush, Alex?" She immediately regretted saying it and she didn't even know where it came from. It came up out of nowhere like vomit. She didn't even think about it before she said it, she just said it. Point blank, period. She said it and she immediately wished she hadn't. "...Just asking."

"Lots," he mumbled.

"...How do you...go about them? If you can't act on them, how do you get rid of them?"

"Why can't you act on it? Is the guy single?"

"...No. But even if he was...I kind of couldn't… He doesn't really know I exist, so it's best if it just says a crush because that's probably all it'll ever be."

"You should tell him or...something," Alex shrugged. "You might be surprised. He might be crushing on you back."

"I doubt that."


	15. Crush

She skipped class. Which, for a typical college senior, probably isn't that big of a deal but it was for her. Because she skipped class. Up until this semester, the final semester of her college career, she had never even so much as showed up late to a class before and yet here she was, skipping. And the thought ran through her mind, too. Like a brushfire ripping through a clearing of trees. It was in her mind and if she didn't shut it up, lock it up and throw away the key, she was sure that she would actually get up and walk upstairs to the class even though she was already fifteen minutes late.

It was worth it though, she thought. It was worth it because after today, she wouldn't see him again until Monday and dammit two whole days was a long time. So she skipped a class...that was normal, right? Lots of college students skipped classes. It wasn't like she couldn't catch up. Cellular physiology wasn't _that_ hard. And so she skipped it to hang out with a boy. Lame excuse, sure. But she was certain that there were people that have skipped for much, much worse.

God, she just wanted time with him. An hour just wasn't enough. Honestly, she didn't even know if it truly was an hour because well...it seemed like time passed with lightning quick speed every time she was around him. She could round the corner and enter his office at 9:50 on the dot, spend what seemed like five minutes with him and look at the clock to find she only had ten minutes left with him. She just wanted longer than an hour, that was all. So she skipped a class. So she skipped the second class in less than a month. It wasn't that big of a deal, was it?

The now-empty paper bag that used to belong to the donuts was crumpled up and lying next to her backpack on the floor and the cup of what used to be iced coffee was beside the tissue box on top of his desk. He left about five or so minutes ago to use the bathroom and though she didn't want to admit it; didn't want to seem like the kind of girl that counted down every exact moment she spent with him, she was. And she was growing impatient. So to pass the time, she uncrossed her legs and leaned down to clean up her mess.

It was crazy to see how much of a mess the two of them could make in just an hour's time. Empty food bags were on the floor, empty coffee cups on his desk, graded and ungraded papers scattered all about, his iHome was plugged in, crumbs were everywhere. If she didn't know any better, she'd have guessed that a small party actually took place in here.

She stepped over her backpack and swept the crumbs off his desk and into the trashcan, picked up the two piles of papers and organized them neatly, tossed away the empty coffee cup, and turned off his iHome since nothing was plugged into it. Hands on her hips, she stood back and looked around to see if she missed anything.

He'd probably be back soon. He only said that he had to pee. Which, awkwardly enough, she found kind of surreal. Obviously she knew that he had to pee just like any other normal eating, sleeping, breathing human being; she wasn't stupid. But he never had to pee before. Of all the times she came down to his office and relaxed with him-of all the glasses of orange juice, the cans of Monster energy drinks and the cups of coffee she watched him drink, he never once had to pee. But today, he did. Today, he scooted out from his chair and said "I'll be right back, I have to pee." And for some reason unbeknownst to herself, that resonated with her. Humanized him, even. Reminded her that Alex Karev; no matter how perfectly inhuman he seemed to be; was indeed just like her.

He'd probably be back soon though, and so she figured she should sit back down in her chair. It wasn't often that she was on the other side of his desk though. In fact, the thought almost seemed forbidden. Because well, as much as he didn't seem like it, he _was_ a teacher and he _was_ in charge of her grades and something about being behind a teacher's desk never did seem quite settling to her. But she had never been behind his desk before. So she lingered for a bit and let her eyes wander.

Of course, she was unimpressed by what she saw from this angle. His MacBook was still open with the iTunes application still up and running on it, he had a pad of yellow sticky notes beside a picture frame and in that frame was the same picture she'd seen since the day she first came down here. Him standing in light brown sand with a crooked, forced grin on his face and her with a perfect bikini body, beachy blonde waves and tanned arms wrapped around his waist. Aesthetically, they were pleasing and that thought made her stomach drop. They looked perfect for each other. So perfect that, aside from his goofy grin, the picture could be used in modeling magazines.

Her stomach still churning and her heart still aching at the thought, she reached out slowly and traced her fingers along the curves of the dark green picture frame. If she concentrated hard enough, she could change that picture. If she looked at it-I mean _really_ looked at it, the shoulder-length blonde hair could grow about six or seven more inches and darken to a deep shade of brown, and the skin could lighten up a few shades. She could change that picture if she looked hard enough.

But instead, she sighed, turned around and threw herself back down into her appointed chair. Who was she kidding? If she looked at that picture hard enough to let her mind wander, then sure. She could change it. But even still, all it would be was a fantasy. When she looked away, it'd disperse into a daydream-induced puff of white smoke and when it was all said and done, he'd still go home to her and she'd go back to her dorm, lonely. What was even the point?

Right on cue, the door behind her creaked open and she sat upright, quickly fixing her face to appear as though she wasn't just about ready to cry at the harsh reality that he indeed had a girlfriend.

Alex shut the door behind himself again and made his way back to his desk, but not before setting a freezing cold can of Pepsi in front of her. Jo looked up and wrinkled her brows in confusion, but relaxed them once she saw that he too had a can for himself. _He must've stopped at the vending machines._

"You wash your hands after you went poop?" she joked, nudging her fingernail underneath the tab to open the can.

Alex paused for a moment and looked at her with both confusion and a hint of amusement on his face. "...Who said I took a dump?"

"I just figured," Jo smiled. The silence between them was filled by the sound of her soda can sizzling open and she paused to speak before taking a sip. "You were in there an awfully long time."

"I stopped at the vending machine. I was thirsty and I figured you probably were too after drinking all that coffee." He plopped down in his swivel chair and pressed "play" on his laptop, allowing the music to fill the air again. "What time's your next class?"

"I don't have another class since I skipped," she admitted and put her soda can down, swallowing a belch.

"For the record… as your TA… I don't condone you skipping classes," Alex murmured and scrolled through his computer. He really didn't have anything to look at. He updated his grades, he didn't have any new emails from anyone and he didn't have anything new to check. But he pretended to be busy anyway, mostly because it was easier to just not look at her.

Today was especially hard for some reason that he didn't know. Usually, he could control it. He could control that thought that was in the back of his mind just waiting to be let out. But today, it was angry. It was angry and it was hungry and it was in that box scratching, clawing and prying its way out. Today it was uncontrollable. Today it was like trying to tame a lion. And for the sake of her not seeing the bulge in his pants that was sure to grow if he didn't stop thinking about it, he found that it was easier to just not look at her.

Because looking at her was like letting it loose. Looking at her was taking the lid off the box he stuffed the thought in, unlocking the cage that he stowed it away in. Looking at her was thinking about turning the lights off, locking the door. Sweeping everything off his desk. Pinning her against the wall, holding her hands above her head so she couldn't do anything but take what he wanted to give her. Looking at her was letting it all loose and that was a risk he just couldn't take.

Because maybe she didn't feel the same way. Maybe if he reached out and grabbed her ass or kissed her lips the way he was dying to, she'd push him away and reject it. Maybe she'd say he was harassing her because in this day and age, figures of authority and students weren't the easiest relationships to conquer. He wasn't stupid, though. Even if he wasn't a college graduate with a degree in Biology and a fourth year med student about to graduate, he wasn't stupid when it came to girls. He was well, well, WELL experienced. And he knew there was something there.

He knew with ninety percent certainty that if he got up and shoved his tongue down Jo's throat, she'd reciprocate and probably even take off her shirt. He knew that if he got up and turned off the lights and locked the door, she'd be all for it. If he didn't think so before, he thought so today. In fact, he knew so today. There was just something there. Something in the room. It almost felt like he was starring in a decently written, decently directed porno. Not one of the ones where the pizza guy knocks on the door and is getting a blowjob ten seconds later. Not one of the ones where the babysitter is found sleeping on the couch and is upstairs in bed with the dad five minutes after. It was actually a decent one.

One where the beautiful, sexy college girl sits across from her teaching assistant and tries to act all shy and quiet but when she's on her back, she's a screaming, biting, scratching mess. One where the teaching assistant tries to resist because he knows that sleeping with her could cost him his job and his place at the medical school he's in, but can't control himself anyway. One where it's always tense and quiet in the room because when you're alone in a room with somebody you find sexually attractive, it's automatically awkward no matter how hard you try to act like it's not. It's like a decent porno...and you know it's going to lead to sown thing because well...it's a porno after all.

But maybe she didn't feel the same way. Maybe the awkward sexual tension and the banter between them was something all in his head and not at all going through her mind. And on the off chance that was indeed the case, he couldn't risk looking at her.

"...So what are you doing this weekend? Anything...interesting?" Jo asked.

"Probably nothing," he replied. "Probably gonna catch up on some work."

"You and your girlfriend aren't gonna do anything?" she asked and she didn't even know why. It's not like she really wanted to hear about him and his girlfriend whether they had plans or not. _Why is it that we as humans do that, by the way? Why is it that when something hurts us, even though we know we'd be better off not looking, we look anyway? Why are we so inclined to want to know more about the things we hate_? She always wondered that.

Alex hesitated, caught off guard. He didn't even want to think about Lucy. In fact, he spent about half an hour ridding her from his brain because as long as he was with Jo, he couldn't allow himself to think about Lucy. Because anytime he did, he felt like a cheater. He felt like a good for nothing man because while he had a girlfriend at home, he couldn't stop thinking about this one.

He cleared his throat and shook his head. "Probably not. She works all weekend."

"Sounds like me," Jo sighed. "You probably have a bunch of homework though so it's probably for the best."

"Yeah, I got a paper to write."

"When do you graduate again?"

"May 14th."

"That sounds so far away but it's really not when you think about it…," she said. He nodded his head and aimlessly scrolled through his emails. "...Alex? Can I tell you something? Something funny?"

"Mmm," he grunted to let her know that he was listening.

"I'm...well…," she sighed. "Well my Theoretical Chem professor said that we should start looking into med schools that we want to apply to and giving our academic advisors our transcripts and stuff so I was looking around the other night and… I dunno, I was kind of looking at Harvard."

"Mhm," he grunted again. Jo sat back in her chair and picked at a hangnail on her thumb. She bent the piece of skin back until she saw a little bit of blood and then left it alone. At the silence, Alex wrinkled his brow and for the first time in about fifteen minutes, he turned and looked at her. "I said 'mhm'...means I'm listening. You can continue."

"That's it," she whispered.

"That's it?" he sucked his teeth in disappointment. "I thought you said you were gonna tell me something funny."

"That is funny… Isn't it?" she whispered again. "To think that someone like me could get into Harvard Med… That's funny.

"I'm not laughing," he shrugged and turned back around. This time, he had a purpose for looking at his computer. His fingertips flew across the keyboard as he typed: **Harvard medical school requirements**. "If you wanna go to Harvard, go for it."

"But I'm…," her voice trailed and he turned back around to face her.

"You're what, Jo?"

"...Me," she mumbled and kept her eyes to the floor. "I don't have money or parents to help me and I sure as hell can't-"

"You made it this far without money and without parents. All I'm hearing is excuses."

"Yeah, but-"

"But what? You're already in Princeton, what's another Ivy League School?"

"I applied here on a whim, I didn't actually think-"

"But you did. You did and you got in and you're smart, so come up with another excuse that I can shoot down. You made it into Princeton. Why you think this is any different? You applied here and made it, why can't you apply to Harvard and make it?"

"Because I…. I don't…," she shook her head. "People like me don't go to Harvard Medical."

"People like what?"

"...Foster kids. People whose parents left them at fire stations, people who are poor, people… People like me."

"You trying to tell me that I shouldn't have made it into med school? 'Cause I'm all of the above. 'Cept for the whole 'left at a gas station' thing."

"It was a _fire_ station…Safe Haven laws."

"Whatever. Point is...we choose where we end up, you know? If I had that attitude… I mean if I just rolled over and did what was expected of me… I'd've probably overdosed by now," he shrugged. "We choose where we go."

"You really believe that?"

"I've got to," he shrugged again. "Otherwise I woulda never made it outta Iowa."

"So...you really think I could…make it into Harvard? You really think that?" she raised her eyebrow skeptically. She didn't want to believe him when he said it. He was probably joking, anyway. People didn't… They didn't usually… People just didn't believe in her, that's all. It just wasn't something people ever did.

"I think it's doable," he scooted back in his chair and turned his laptop screen to face her. "Look. The requirements are right here." Jo leaned forward a bit and squinted to see without her reading glasses. "You can come over here and look at it. I can't take it off the charger or it'll die, but here… Come look."

Jo stood up and slowly made her way behind his desk for the second time of the day. She hunched over and squinted again but read the requirements to herself anyway. She mouthed the words under her breath as she read them off, growing more and more confident as each item on the list she seemed to have already.

From the corner of his eye, Alex watched her. He watched her lips as they whispered the words off the screen. He watched the way her ponytail hung over her shoulder, the way her eyelashes fluttered while she squinted and the way her teeth showed every time she read the word "A." Dammit, she was beautiful. He wasn't even going to beat around the bush with it anymore. She was beautiful and everything she did was just so...flawless. He turned his head, not even hiding it anymore, and stared. She didn't notice, which was good, but he stared anyway. She had a freckle by her mouth that moved every time she talked. She had one on the inside of her ear too. And one on her forehead, right by her temple, that was sometimes hidden by her hair.

Jo finished reading and raised her eyebrows. She turned her head and startled a little after finding that he was so intently looking at her.

"...What?" she asked.

Alex's face fell a little and he shook his head. "Nothing." His eyes fell on her lips. God, her lips… God, her lips.

Jo traced his eyes and felt her knees go a little bit weak. It was almost like a reaction, what she did next. It was as normal as breathing. As instinctual as blinking. If felt like she was following an electrical impulse the way she tilted her head downward, to one side. It felt natural the way he tilted his opposite hers. And it felt...right, the way they both closed their eyes and eased in. She parted her lips and he parted his and she felt his breath, cool and gentle against her bottom lip. And she stopped. Maybe it was because the picture on his desk was haunting her or maybe it was because she had something in her mind telling her no. He stopped too. It was like they were on the same wavelength.

"I-I…," she whispered before standing upright, trying to pull herself out of the daze the almost kiss put her into. She felt dizzy and weak and for a second, she didn't even know what day it was. "I should go," she mumbled and hurried over to her side of the desk. "I'm supposed to… I'm supposed to meet my roommate for lunch…," she lied. She just wanted to get out of there. She couldn't stay there anymore, no matter how much she wanted to.

Alex took a moment to regroup too. He sat, dumbfounded and silent as he collected his thoughts. Why did he almost kiss her?! Why?! Why did he almost kiss her, why did he let it get that far, why did he break all his rules by looking at her, why was he just staring at her, why did he almost kiss her, and most of all...why did it feel so right?

He nodded his head and awkwardly stood up. "Y-yeah, I should um… Probably get ready for um… You know," he stuttered. "I should just… Yeah, I'll see you um… See you later. Have a...have a good weekend."

Jo slung her backpack over her shoulder and nodded her head frantically, stumbling towards the door. "I'll… I'll see you, Alex."

"See ya."

Jo yanked the door open and left abruptly, shutting it behind her. As she walked past the janitors' mops and brooms and buckets, she found herself lost in thoughts.

 _What the hell just happened?_ She didn't know. She thought she was just reading Harvard's requirements but when she looked at him after she was done reading, he was just staring at her and it seemed like he just wanted to kiss her and she didn't know what to do. Her body wanted to kiss him. It was like something...some extrinsic force just pushed them together. It felt natural and just right. It was like she had to. Like it was the most normal thing to do. It felt like she was just leaning in to give him a handshake. Why? Why did that feel so right?

 _Why didn't you just do it?_ She wished to god that she did. Now, walking with one foot in front of the other and climbing up the stairs, she really wished that she had done it. She might've regretted it later but hell, at least she would've done it. Damn. Now she'd probably never get the chance again.

She'd probably never get the chance again…

 _Screw it._

She rolled her eyes up to the ceiling, shook her head and dropped her backpack right there on the third step she made it up and turned around. What did she have to lose? She might never get the chance again and it wasn't like he didn't was to do it too.

She nearly sprinted back down the hallway, skillfully avoiding the mops, the buckets and the brooms and without any hesitation, she twisted the knob to his door and pushed it open. He sat at his desk stonefaced and confused, dazed the way he was whenever she left. He startled when she reappeared, looked up and raised his eyebrows. But before she could even let him think, let him question what the hell she was doing back so soon, she jogged behind his desk and leaned down.

She closed her eyes, held his face still with her right hand, tilted her head to the side so their noses didn't bump, and placed her lips against his. Just like that. One, two, three, four. One, eyes closed. Two, steady his face. Three, tilt the head. Four, kiss. It was easy.

Alex's eyebrows raised and his eyes widened as he adjusted and came to terms with what the hell she was doing, but it wasn't long before he closed his eyes too and tilted his head opposite the side hers was tilted. Her lips were soft against his. Soft...and closed. And while he doubted this would be the last time this ever happened, he still couldn't shake the possibility. And if this was the first and last kiss he'd ever get from her… Well he damn sure wasn't going to let it be strictly lips.

His hands made their way onto her waist and though she was standing while he was sitting, it wasn't a far reach. He cupped her waist and held her still before forcing her to part her lips by grinding his roughly against hers. Without much of a fight, Jo parted her lips and allowed him to slip his tongue inside her mouth. She pressed hers against his, swirled it around, massaged it. She was in control, no he was, no she was, no he was. His tongue was stronger, without a doubt.

But she didn't mind being submissive.

* * *

 **A/N:** I've been meaning to tell you guys about this but it's been slipping my mind, so here it goes. I've recently started writing a TV show with my friend (it's fake, but I'm hoping to make a career out of writing so it's how I get my practice) and it's a spinoff of Grey's and it basically comes from the fact that we get no Jolex in the show. So my friend and I write a show starring Jolex, Omelia, Japril and Maluca (it's an ensemble) and if I do say so myself, it's really good. We just try our takes on a lot of storylines we'd like to see happen on the show, like Jo meeting Alex's parents, Jo confronting her demons, Alex being more attentive to Jo, etc. and it's future set, so they have kids and stuff. it's all for fun, but I think you guys would enjoy it if you gave it a chance, so if you're interested, you can check it out at little-wonders-ff . tumblr . com


	16. Wild

**A/N:** **M** rated language here.

* * *

A thousand thoughts and a million guesses. That was what he had. A thousand thoughts and a million guesses. Up until now, of course.

What her lips would feel like? What her breath would taste like? And how dominant would she be? Would her lips be soft? Or chapped. Would her breath be sweet? Or bitter. Would she try to take control? Or would she sit back and let him lead. And what would the circumstances be?

He'd be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it. If he said that he didn't have this perfect fantasy played out in his mind, this perfect pattern of how it should go, he'd be a liar. He'd be lying if he didn't admit that once or twice, he closed his eyes and imagined what this moment would be like. And he'd be a damn liar if he said that he wasn't completely enjoying himself.

All the times he imagined this-all the times he closed his eyes and made an educated guess on what exactly this moment would be like-it was always the same. He looked at her lips and they always looked smooth, so he imagined they'd be soft. Her lips would be soft, smooth and pure bliss as his glided across them. He'd never been in close enough proximity to smell her breath but she seemed clean, so he imagined her breath would taste sweet. Her breath would probably taste like the sugary donuts or the sweet coffee and orange juice they usually gorged themselves on. And she seemed shy and fairly timid, so he imagined she wouldn't mind relinquishing control over to him when they kissed. She'd give in and let him kiss her as roughly or as softly as he wanted to.

He had a few guesses, but he was so, so wrong.

It was all so much... _better_ than he imagined it would be, and he liked that. Because at least… If he was cheating on his girlfriend… It was actually worthwhile. Her lips were soft, of course. But they felt like silk as his slid and grounded across them. Of course her breath wasn't bitter, but it didn't taste like the coffee or the donuts either. It tasted sweet, it tasted good and it was damn addictive. And she was every bit as submissive as he thought she'd be, but she wasn't completely out of control. The kiss…was everything he'd thought it be...and then some.

Because her body was perfect, too. And that was something he didn't even think to develop a preconceived notion about.

His hands, cupped around her waist and caressing her hips, were trembling and they wanted so badly to wander. It was like they had minds of their own and they knew exactly what they wanted. They wanted to stray away from the waistband of her jeans, where they seemed to be confined to, and possibly creep around towards the back. They wanted to touch more than her waist. They were like sharks, frenzying in the water where they tasted blood. They were greedy now, tasted a little and wanted the whole thing. So to contain himself, he just squeezed. He tightened his hands, willing them to stay put, and squeezed her hips so tightly that he probably was leaving indentations but he figured that indentations were better than giving into temptations and he squeezed.

Inside her mouth, his tongue pressed against hers and she tilted her head to the side further and allowed it to go deeper. The kiss was driving him mad. The sounds of their tongues swirling, their lips sucking and the sounds of their heavy breathing filled the room and only made him yearn for more. Her fingers curled through the hair on the back of his head, her body just hovering over him and his hands on her hips…how long could they stay like that?

How long had they been kissing? Damn if he knew. Three minutes? Maybe five? Maybe an hour? He lost track. Because that's what the kiss did to him, it stalled time, blurred his mind, made him unfocused. But he didn't want to be done. He wasn't anywhere close to wanting to be done.

The way she'd done twice already, once again, she pulled away from him just slightly and breathed. Heavily. Panting. Her breath spilling on his lips, but their noses still touching. Three seconds, she had to breathe, then back at it. They weren't kissing. No, they were making out, and he certainly didn't expect it.

Then again, he didn't expect any of this.

When he saw her come back inside his office, he thought she might apologize. She'd say sorry, he'd ask what for, she'd say something stupid, he'd apologize too for almost kissing her, then she'd leave and he'd see her again on Monday. Never did he think that she'd kiss him. Never did he think that every daydream, every fantasy, every idle thought he'd ever had about those sexy lips would come to life.

Still fighting to keep his hands on her waist and only her waist, Alex lifted his head a little more and pushed into her harder, challenging the kiss. He speared his tongue into her mouth, prodded hers with it a few times and began to return it back into his own mouth for a few breathing seconds. She did something, though. She scraped. And immediately, he wished she hadn't. Because that was it for him.

That little scrape, that two seconds of her teeth dragging across his tongue as he pulled it out of her mouth, was probably the worst thing she could've done to him because now, he was ready. The bulge in the middle of his blue jeans hardened, and all the hard work he'd done trying to keep his hands under control was tossed out the window because now, he had no other choice. He _needed_ her.

He loosened up on her waist just a little bit and pushed her towards him aggressively, until finally, she got the picture. Feeling the palms of his hands digging into her lower back, Jo quickly caught his drift and closed the few inches of space between them. She pulled away from his mouth for a few seconds, breathing heavy and still standing over him as he sat down in his swivel chair.

She should probably go. She did enough. She barged into his office, didn't give him an explanation, and just kissed him. She didn't even give him a chance to resist before her lips were on his. And now it had been somewhere between five or six minutes, they'd made out and she was so, so embarrassed. Embarrassed that she lost control for just a split second.

Did she regret it though? She didn't know the answer to that for sure, but probably not. When was she ever going to get the chance to kiss Alex again? Probably never. So she took it. Sure the friendship was probably ruined now and sure she'd probably never be able to sit down in his office with him between classes again, but so. It was a risk she had to take because well...she might not ever get the chance to take it again.

Her lips were tingling, her stomach doing backflips and her lungs tired. But it was so damn worth it. She looked at him. His eyes were on hers, then on her waist, then back on hers. And she knew that look. He wanted more. He wanted more, and so did she. She eyed the door, which was still open from when she barged through it. She eyed him.

Alex sat up a little straighter. He knew what she was thinking and he wanted to stop her. He knew she was thinking that she had to leave. Thinking that she did something horrible. Thinking that what they had just done was a mistake. And it probably was. It probably was very, very bad and he probably should let her go before it went any further than it already did. But he couldn't let her go. Not now.

So he reached out his hand. And he placed it back on her hip as if it was supposed to be there. And she didn't mind. She didn't even resist him. Not when he touched her. And not when he started pulling her back to him. No, she didn't resist. In fact, she moved. Closer now. Parted her legs. And straddled his lap.

Damn, she was beautiful. He established that sometime last week, but now it was unbearable. He brushed the tips of his fingers along her jawline and held her face still, staring up at her. He closed his eyes again and touched his lips to her collarbone. She closed her eyes too, tilted her head back a little. He didn't know how far he could take it...but he wanted to press his luck. So he slipped his hands up the back of her shirt.

How was it that she was so perfect? That even the skin on her back felt like velvet beneath his fingertips? He traced the divots in her back, brushed over her bra straps, stopped in the middle and circled back down. He parted his lips, took a small section of her skin into his mouth, and sucked. She wasn't his. She wasn't his property, his woman, his body…but he marked it anyway. With a few soft sucks, he left a purplish mark at the base of her neck and moved on.

His fingers fumble around with the strap of her bra while he sucked on the new part of her neck, and she sucked in an anticipated breath. With one quick snap, the two pieces of fabric being held together by a clasp flew apart and her breasts spilled out. He dragged his lips from their place on her the side of her neck to the middle of it and kissed there for a few moments. Against her middle, she felt him hardening and closed her eyes. God, did she want this. She wanted this so bad.

He waited. For a few moments, he waited. With his hands still up her shirt and on her back only and with his mouth on the middle of her neck, he waited for her to protest. For her to say "no." For her to shove him away. For her to tell him that she didn't want it. And when that protest never came, he slowly crept his hands around to the front and his thumb grazed her navel. She was thin and it seemed like the skin all over her body was velvety. He lifted her shirt up a little, still giving her those moments to end it if she wanted. More and more. Until finally, her breasts spilled out into his hands. He didn't look at them though, at least not right away. He put his hands on them and kissed her neck while his thumbs circled her nipples.

Her eyes fluttered shut and she bit down on her lip, trying hard to keep her breathing even. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she still doubted that this would happen. If this was all they did, then she didn't mind. If all that happened was her sitting on his lap, him fondling her and them heavily making out, then that was still a success in her eyes, no matter how much she wanted to actually feel him inside her. Because kissing and fondling was more than she thought was going to happen. She thought for sure that she'd have tapped out by now and found herself hyperventilating in a bathroom.

He lifted her shirt up just a little bit more and bowed his head, taking his mouth away from her neck finally. He smashed them together, stuck his tongue out and began tracing it along the tops before she pulled herself away a little. She surprised herself when it wasn't for the reason she thought, though. She thought she'd be pulling away to tell him that she was sorry, but she couldn't. But no. She pulled away and though her voice was breathy and laced with anticipation, she still managed to vocalize what was the matter.

"The...door," she whispered, pulling away. Alex ignored her though. He ignored her and and proceeded to pull a nipple into his mouth. She pulled further though. "The door's open," she breathed.

"So?" he murmured with his mouth full.

"So I'm not doing this with the door open." She gritted her teeth together to bear whenever he flicked his tongue across it back and forth. "Just… Lemme close it."

"Nobody's down here," he spoke clearer but only because he was moving to her other breast.

"You don't know that."

"I'm down here alone every day," he spoke quickly, eager to keep going. He held her left one in his hand and circled his tongue around it. Jo tilted her head back towards the ceiling and and exhaled. She pulled away again. "C'mon...don't make me stop."

"Just let me close the door," she insisted and finally, he let her go.

She climbed off his lap and jogged over toward the door. While she was up and he was free for a moment, Alex leaned forward and pulled his shirt over his head. He tossed it to her floor and watched as she stuck her head out into the hallway, saw that it was still barren, and shut and locked the door from the inside. She too was just as eager to get back to it. She slapped at the light switch, turned the light out and felt her way through the darkness, back over to his desk.

Alex held out his hand and led her over to him, and when she sat back down on his lap, Jo let her hands roam his chest. God, was it smooth. It was smooth and solid and chiseled and she couldn't help but plant a kiss on it. Alex grabbed at the rim of her shirt and when she caught his drift, she pulled it over her head too, shaking her hair through the head hole. Though it was dark, she found her way to his lips and gave him a hard kiss again.

Alex tossed her bra to the floor too and placed his hands back on her chest. Suddenly dissatisfied with just her breasts, his hands flew down to her jeans and pulled at the button. Unable to see, he managed to unbutton them and pull the zipper down. He stuffed his hand inside them and wasted no time finding her middle. Jo paused for a moment, waiting to feel sick. It didn't come, so she lifted a little so he could get his hand deeper between her legs. Maybe she really was over what happened with Mike. Maybe she really could enjoy it.

Confident now, she placed both her hands at the waistband of his pants too and unbuttoned them. She wanted to see it. She needed to know what she was working with. And well, she knew that she'd regret this later but it was in the moment and it was what she wanted and it was all just happening entirely too fast. But it was real. It was how it went. In real life, sex isn't planned out. It happens when it happens and it's sporadic. And in real life, you hardly ever go into your first time having sex with someone knowing that it's going to be your first time. This was real life. Not the fantasies she had where they'd been dirty-talking and flirting for a while. Not the fantasies where he'd foreplay with her for a while before making love to her body. This was real. And it was happening.

She bypassed the soft, fluffy feeling of hair and wrapped her hand easily around his shaft. Okay, so it was thick. About as thick as a banana, maybe a bit thicker. She slowly ran her hand along it and her eyebrows raised. So it was long too. If she had to guess, eight or nine inches...wow. Definitely the biggest she'd ever been with. Nervous now, she continued like that. Up and down, back and forth, slowly. How in the world was she going to deal with it when the time came? How was she going to...not scream? Because if she had to guess, she'd guess that screaming was probably forbidden if they didn't want to get caught. She was never very loud during sex anyway, but how was she going to keep quiet when something almost the size of a cucumber was about to be-Her jaw dropped and a hard gasp escaped her throat, mid thought. Her hand squeezed around his length, too. His soft-skinned yet rock-solid length.

No warning. He didn't even tell her that he was going to do it. Just one moment, he was rubbing and the next, she was full. Just like that, his fingers were in and he didn't even warn her.

Alex tilted his head again and kissed her neck while he did, too. He didn't want to hurt her, so he was slow at first. She was pretty tight so if he had to guess, he'd guess he was hurting her at least a little by even having two fingers there in the first place. So he was gentle. He moved his fingers back and forth instead of in and out. And she was pretty wet, too. If he had any doubt that she wanted this before, he didn't anymore. She was too wet for her to not want this.

He kissed the side of her mouth and quickly slipped them out. He was done with foreplay. Mostly because he didn't know how much longer he'd have with her and he wanted at least twenty minutes. But also because he just couldn't stand it anymore. He was going to burst if they didn't soon. So he took his hand out of her pants and pushed her away a little. Jo caught on rather quickly and stood up again. Though she couldn't see much of him through the darkness, she heard him shuffle and once again, took the hint. She stepped out of her own pants but not her underwear.

And now, she was confused. Still nervous for what she was going up against, but confused because where were they going to do it? Where would she lay and where would he balance and how was this going to even work? Did he think of it? Because she didn't. All the times she fantasized about him, they were in a bed, not an office. Did he have it worked out?

His mind was just the opposite. Every time he thought about this moment in particular, they _were_ in his office. And he _did_ have it all mapped out. He unfastened the middle buttons on his boxers and pulled his erection through. He felt his way over to where she stood and before he guided her to his desk, he kissed her. Sweetly, too. And he ran his fingers through her ponytail and he wished to god the lights were on so he could see how beautiful her body was but he'd settle. He pulled his lips away and guided her to his desk, keeping his hands behind her so when she came to it, she didn't hurt herself.

Jo raised up on her tiptoes and kissed him again. Figuring that this was what he had in mind, she lifted her leg and found herself confused again when he put it down. It was uncomfortable, yeah. But she figured any position would be rather uncomfortable since they weren't necessarily in a bed. Unless they got in the chair, maybe. But why was he putting her leg down? Did he not want to have sex anymore? Because she still did. She still wanted this to work and she wanted it to work while she was feeling brave enough, while she didn't feel like she wanted to hyperventilate and cry and vomit. Did he not want this all of a sudden?

Alex pecked his lips against her cheek a few times before slowly and carefully turning her around. It didn't take long for her to catch on and when she did, she naturally leaned forward and rested the front of her body on top of the desk. Alex bent over her body too, leaning forward and kissing her cheek again. He moved her hair out of her face and kissed her cheek a few more times until she seemed like she was comfortable.

She was. It wasn't as uncomfortable as she thought it was going to be, she had to admit. When he took his lips away from her cheek, she closed her eyes and took a few breaths because she felt his hands messing around down below, pulling her underwear to the side. And she felt the fabric of his boxers touching her bare backside. Then she felt the tip. And she knew she'd have to stretch because she was stretching already with just the tip. She pursed her lips together and wrapped both her hands around the ledge of his desk.

Her cheek was pressed against the cold wooden surface and she was balancing on her tiptoes. Her elbow touched the snow globe and her arm was beside a stack of filing paper, but she was comfortable. Until he made a move. She squeezed it the edge of his desk. _Okay, not too bad. Doesn't hurt too bad._ He went further now. _Still not too bad_.

"Lemme know if it hurts," he whispered through the darkness and all she did was nod her head because she knew if she opened her mouth, more than the word "okay" was going to come out of it.

Damn, she was tight. He had to clench his jaw going in and think of something else if he wanted to last. He wasn't even halfway in, but he thought he should stop. He didn't want to hurt her. Which...was something like a big deal. Because normally, he wouldn't care. He'd been with a lot of girls, some just like her. And he never cared. All those times, he shoved it in and let them adjust on their own. But with her, he wanted to be easy. He knew he wasn't exactly _small_ and she was rather little so he was especially careful.

So he wasn't even halfway in, but he stopped. And he placed his hands on her butt to brace himself and pushed it in a little more. He waited for her to tense up, to groan, to tell him she was in pain. But she didn't, so he eased it the rest of the way in and laid on top of her again. He put his lips to her cheek and kept them there as he started moving.

She opened her mouth and instead of letting out a moan, she gasped. He smirked to himself and picked up the pace a little and when he felt her beneath his body, moving with his movements, he picked up the pace _a lot_.

"Oh my god," she whispered, just barely loud enough for him to hear over the sound of his desk now creaking. He wrapped his hands around her waist and stood upright now that he knew she was fine with it, and pulled her towards him every time he thrusted forward. She opened her mouth and this time, she let out a moan. "Uhhh!"

He smirked to himself. He liked the sound of her moans. He thought about what they'd sound like time and time again, but they were so much prettier than he thought they'd be. They were kind of high-pitched and they sounded more like whimpers than moans, but he loved them. She seemed to be getting even wetter, so he grabbed her waist and held her still. And he thrusted faster until he felt his desk starting to move...so then he slowed down a bit.

He was getting close, already. But he knew he could last. All he had to do was take his mind off of it. So he thought about something else, as opposed to thinking about how good her insides felt.

 _How am I gonna tell Luce?_ He gritted his teeth again and looked down at what he could see of himself pulling out and sliding back in. He threw his head up to the ceiling. Fuck, was she good. _I can't stay with her at this point. I can't go home and act like I didn't do this. I...I gotta break up with her. How do I do it though?_ He pushed it all the way back in then pulled it back out and bit his lip at the way it came out wetter each time. _I think… I… Do I wanna be with Jo? Or is this just sexual attraction? I dunno, but I can't string Luce along while I figure it out… I gotta break up with her tonight._

"Oh my god! Uh! Uh!" Jo found herself gripping the edge of the desk so hard that her fingers went numb, so she let it _go. ….imagine what Leah would say if she knew this happened…. She'd think I was a whore for sure…. Nobody can find out about this…. Oh my god, what if someone does? What if they tell the dean? What if I get kicked out?_ "Mmmm!" _He probably doesn't even want to be with me. This is probably just a booty call… But… Why was he kissing me? He was being so sweet…. Am I slut? Does this make me a whore?_ "Alex!"

"Shhh," he mumbled. Though he loved the sound of her moaning and doubted they would get caught, he didn't want to run the risk. She had to be quiet. Because if someone knew what the were doing in there...god forbid...but if someone knew… "Shhh."

"I-I-," she stuttered with every penetration he made. "I-I c-can't!" After she spoke, more moans filled the room and they were loud.

"Just be quiet," he mumbled again through teeth that weren't clenched because he was irritated, but clenched because he needed to bear with the fact that he was so very close.

"I can't!"

He closed his eyes. If she couldn't be quiet, then they couldn't continue because they couldn't be caught. He read up on the university policies. Sexual relationships between superiors and students is punishable by both the superior losing his or her job and the student being kicked out. They couldn't get caught. They just… They couldn't. So if she couldn't control herself…

He leaned forward and clamped his hand around her mouth. They had to be done and be done quick, but he wasn't about to stop without making sure she was pleasured and finished first, so with one hand over her mouth and the other on her back to hold her still, he pumped her so fast that a few things on his desk toppled over, but she screamed, muffled into his hand before he felt her teeth bite down and her walls clench around him.

She was done, but he wasn't. So he kept his hand over her mouth and pumped a couple more times before slowing up and taking it out. He could've lasted so much longer. But she was much, much too loud. He took his slobbery wet hand from around her mouth and listened while a few moans came out with her heavy breathing while he finished too, right on her lower back.

Still catching her breath, she remained lying flat against the desk and a little bit weak from her orgasm. "Did you….?" she breathed.

"Sorry," he murmured and felt around for the tissue box.

"It's...okay," she closed her eyes and felt him cleaning her back off. "Sorry too."

"Don't be."


	17. Something To Talk About

**A/N:** This chapter's kind of short but I'll make up for it next chapter. It'll be longer.

* * *

His mind was reeling. His thoughts were whirling at a hundred miles an hour, just swirling like a tornado racing through his brain, a tornado that he couldn't slow down. He had a million things to think about, a million things to consider, but his mind was totally blank. They were racing through his head like a car around a nascar speedway, but he wasn't actually thinking about anything. He was the artist. Sitting on a stool in front of an easel with the paintbrush in his hand. He was the artist. And his brain was the canvas. The thoughts were there, they were present and damn were they loud. But he was not thinking them.

If he could go back in time and tell his past self from this morning that today was going to be the day, he wouldn't have believed himself. If he stopped himself while he was stomping his foot into his sneakers and told himself that by 11:30 this afternoon, he'd be buried inside of a girl that wasn't his girlfriend, that he'd be kissing a cheek that didn't belong to Lucy, that he'd be kissing lips that weren't hers… He'd have thought he was a goddamned liar.

But of course, he wasn't. So he thought he was dreaming. But of course, he wasn't. He wasn't a liar and the day's events were cataclysmic and real. It was real the way he guided her to lie down flat on his desk. It was real the way he slowly, but surely eased himself inside of her body. It was real the way he covered her mouth because she screamed and wiped his hand when she spit on it. It was all real. And it was real the way he was currently shoving his legs back into blue jeans and feeling around through the darkness for his sneakers.

Though she knew he couldn't see her since it was so dark in the room, Jo clung her arm across her bare chest to cover her breasts and and wriggled from side to side to pull her underwear back to normal. Between her legs, she was sticky and she was sore and she wanted nothing more than to take a long, hot shower.

She couldn't believe that less than ten minutes ago, this tiny little office was filled with the sounds of her murmuring in pleasure and him grunting. It seemed like such a lifetime away now, especially when the images flashed through her head. Her squeezing the edge of the desk, him pushing himself so deep that her legs trembled and then him having to cover her mouth so she didn't scream so loud they got caught. It all seemed like it happened a lifetime ago but it didn't.

Still keeping the quiet energy between the two of them, Alex stepped around his desk and walked slowly, feeling around until he finally got to the light switch. Without a warning, he turned the lights back on and looked around. Jo immediately turned around, still shielding her naked top half from his view. He didn't know why she bothered, though. It wasn't like he hadn't seen her breasts before he turned the light off in the first place. He knew what they looked like already. He could even tell you what they tasted like. But she was hiding them? For what?

He already had a good mental picture of them. They were small, but decently sized and heavy enough for him to palm. And her nipples...well, they fit perfectly in his mouth and they were a shade or two darker than her skin. Her chest was actually perfect and he wasn't disappointed. It wasn't like she had anything to be ashamed of. Maybe they could stand to be a bit bigger but they were actually pretty nice, he thought.

He stood near the light switch beside the door and just watched her while her back was turned toward him. On her bare back, she had tiny brown dots decorated here and there and a deep curve down the length of her spine because well, she was thin. Above her butt, just about a half centimeter above the rims of her underwear, she boasted two deep dimples in her back. Speaking of her butt, that was nice too. For her size, it was actually kind of...big. He liked it, anyway.

He watched while she strapped her bra around her chest, looped her arms through the straps then finally, turned around. Their eyes met for a moment, then hers fell. Standing in front of him donning nothing but her bra and her pants, she kept her head down towards the ground as if she was ashamed and that alone was enough to make him want to say something.

"D-Do you…," he stumbled over his words, scratched the back of his head then looked down too. And he finally understood that her looking down wasn't exactly a sign of her being ashamed. She was looking down solely because it was hard to look at him. It was hard to look at her, too. "Are you okay?"

"Mhm," she nodded and pulled her t-shirt back over her head. She sat down in his chair and started putting her shoes back on. She wanted to leave and she wanted to leave now.

She knew this was going to happen. Granted, she thought she would have at least an hour to ride out the high of having sex with the man literally of her dreams, but no. It was starting already and she couldn't stop it and she wanted to leave. Not the thinking about Mike, she figured that'd probably happen later while she was trying to fall asleep. But the guilt. The self-hatred. And the shame.

Did she really just do that? Did she really have sex with her teaching assistant? Because that was so low. She always told Steph and Leah and Heather that she didn't care, but she did. Because now she was a whore. She was a whore and an easy slut that had sex with Alex the same day they shared their first kiss and he probably thought so much less of her now. And he had a girlfriend. She just had sex with a taken man. She helped a man cheat on his girlfriend...how could she? And damn was she ashamed of herself for it. She ruined a perfectly good friendship. He was slowly becoming her best friend and now… She just wanted to leave.

Not knowing what else to do, Alex walked back over toward his desk and picked his own shirt up off the floor. He sensed that something was wrong with her, but he didn't know what and he wasn't about to ask. "You want a ride back to your dorm? I can give you one…" he offered, adjusting his shirt once he had it on. He knew it was stupid, but it was the only thing he had to say. And he desperately wanted conversation with her. Desperately.

"I'm fine, I can walk," she insisted and stood up. She slung her bag over her shoulder, gathered up her jacket and headed for the door. The tears were coming soon and she needed to get away from him before they did. "I'll see you around, Alex."

"I'll see you on Monday?" he asked and Jo stopped dead in her tracks to turn around. She turned and gave him the most confused look she could conjure up without letting her tears escape. "Or...not?"

"I don't…," she started but couldn't finish without the tears threatening to fall, so she just turned around, opened the door and disappeared through it.

"Jo-Jo!" Without even bothering to put on his shoes, Alex followed her quickly and weaved through the series of janitorial equipment. Why was she leaving? Did she think he didn't want her here? Because that wasn't the case. That wasn't the case at all. Did she feel like she had to go? Like all he wanted was sex? "Jo, wait!" He caught up to her and grabbed her hand. "Wait...what's wrong? Why are you leaving?"

"Just let me go, Alex," she mumbled and tried to pull away. "Lemme go…"

"No," he shook his head and stood in front of her so she couldn't leave. "What's wrong? What'd I...what'd I do?"

"...I don't want to never see you again," she whispered as tears finally flooded her cheeks. "But I don't want us to not be friends anymore either, so… I'm gonna go. And I...I won't be back on Monday." She tried to ease past him, but he stood firm and moved over.

"Jo, you're not making any sense… Why… Why would I not want to be your friend? Why would you not want to see me again? What's wrong? Did I do something?"

Jo looked down at the ground and breathed evenly as more tears just came and ravaged her cheeks. How could she just...how could she stand there? And look at him? When they just had sex? When she's the woman he just cheated on his girlfriend with? How could she hold her head high and feel proud of herself after what she just did? Mistake after mistake after mistake. It wasn't supposed to be anything more than a kiss. Sure, even if it was just a kiss, she'd feel guilty about having him cheat on his girlfriend. But a kiss is minor. A kiss can be overcome. But they had sex.

"Was it not...good for you?" he asked, ashamed and nervous as to what her answer might actually be.

"No!" Jo stopped him quickly and put her hand up. "No… It wasn't that at all, it was… It was SO good for me and….," she shook her head. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you and I shouldn't have made that move and I… I just wasn't thinking and I'm so sorry Alex, I'm SO sorry, I-"

"I told you not to apologize," he mumbled. "Look… I knew that was gonna happen," he shrugged. "I knew it was gonna happen and I think you knew too. It was gonna happen sooner or later."

Jo looked down and sighed.

"I like you, Jo," he spoke up and stated, matter-of-factly. "I always have. I always thought you were… Pretty, or whatever. I like you. So I just… I knew it was gonna happen. So just...whatever."

Jo sniffed and looked up. "I just want to be your friend. I'm not asking you to...to…"

"I know," Alex nodded. "I know. We can go back to being friends, if you want. I'll bring the donuts and the juice and you can help me grade papers and we can just sit and BS down here until you have to go to class. We can go back."

"Can we just forget that this ever happened?" She wiped her face with the backs of her hands and sniffed. "Can we just forget that this day even happened? Maybe we got it all out of our systems, maybe we just won't-"

"If that's what you want," Alex shrugged again.

Honestly? He didn't want that. He didn't want to have to look at Jo for the rest of the semester and tell himself not to think about the fact that the sex he just had with her was the best sex he'd had in a LONG time. He didn't want to sit across the desk from her and pretend like he wasn't thinking about how beautiful her naked body was, how gorgeous the sound of her moaning was or how amazing her insides felt. He didn't want to have to pretend that he didn't want more. But most of all, he didn't want to have to pretend like she meant nothing more than a friendship to him.

But maybe she was right. Maybe it was all out of his system now. "I'll see you Monday?" he asked.

"Yeah," she nodded. "I'll um… I'll… I'll miss you for the weekend."

"Text me," he mumbled. "641-555-8934."

Silently reciting the numbers over and over again under her breath, Jo pulled her phone from her pocket and quickly added his contact to her list. She looked up at him with hopeful eyes and gave him a half-smile. She felt a little bit better knowing that he was willing to just forget everything that happened today, but not much. She really would miss him over the weekend. She wanted nothing more than to raise up on her tiptoes, lean in, and give him a goodbye kiss. But she figured she already made enough mistakes for the day.

"See you Jo," Alex mumbled. He'd miss her too and well...he didn't want to let her go without any other form of a more personal goodbye. He knew she wanted them to act like nothing more than friends anymore, but he couldn't. Something about letting her go with no more than a "bye" after he just had sex with her felt so wrong. It felt like he thought she was cheap, and that wasn't the case. It felt like... Like if he just let her go without something more intimate after they just did the most intimate of actions, that he didn't respect her. And that wasn't true. So he leaned down and brushed his lips against her cheek. "See you Monday."

When he turned around and headed back to his room, Jo touched her hand to her cheek and smiled without showing teeth.

She still felt pretty horrible, though.

* * *

 **Friday, January 29, 2016**

 **4:35 p.m.**

 **iMessage**

 **Alex** : Luc wat time u comin home 2nite?

 **5:45 p.m.**

 **Lucy** : Staying late at hospital again. Me and coworker going out for dinner.

 **5:47 p.m.**

 **Alex** : Sumthin I want 2 talk 2 u about


	18. Confessions

**A/N:** I promised this would be a good chapter, and here it is. Enjoy.

* * *

When she slid her lanyard out of her pocket then fumbled between the mailbox key, the door key and the car key, finally, for the first time all day, she felt a sense of normalcy returning. It was just like a normal day now. Normal the way she had to jiggle her key in the lock to get it open, normal the way she trudged through her dormitory door and kicked her shoes off on the rug and normal the way she tossed her lanyard down on the coffee table. It was just like a normal day now.

Except it wasn't.

As much as she wanted to forget what had happened, as much as she wanted to pretend like today went on the way her life usually did, she couldn't. She was constantly reminded of just how _abnormal_ this day was. When she walked, her legs were sore and when she stood still, she could still feel the pressure of his hip bones slamming into her backside. Her arms were weak, fingertips still aching from grabbing the desk and her lower back sticky and uncomfortable because even though he was nice about it-a true gentleman-wiping it off with a tissue only did but so much.

And all she could think about was it. There was that word again, encompassing the day, saturating her thoughts and swallowing her up whole. That's what "it" was, wasn't it? It was it. A two letter word but that's what it was called. That's what children on the playground called it in their childish innocence. "Hey, did you do it yet?" "You know your parents do it every night." "Did you hear that Bobby and Jill did it in the back of her car?" For the longest time, she never even knew what "it" was. It was two letters that could mean a billion things. But now… It was all she could think of.

How she wanted it so bad that she did anything to get it. How she craved it even before she had it. How once she felt his length, she knew there was no turning back because she had to have it. How it felt good. How it was so disgustingly, inhumanly wrong. But how she loved every single second of it.

Thankful that Steph wasn't home, she dragged her feet into their bedroom and tossed her backpack on her bed. And then she tossed her body on her bed, too. And she looked up at the ceiling. And she closed her eyes for a minute because for the first time all day, laying down made her realize that she was sleepy. She didn't want them to, but her eyes closed momentarily and that was all it took for her to drift off into a shallow slumber.

 _"Shh," he mumbles under a breath that's laced with pleasure. She wants to listen to him but even when she tries, she can't. She purses her lips together but God more moans just come out and she can't control them. Screaming is bad. She knows that. Anyone can hear them if she screams, especially the janitors. But how can she keep quiet with something this amazing?_

 _At first it hurt. At first, it felt like something warm, hard and unwanted invading her body and making itself a home deep inside. It made her feel full, at first. But it doesn't hurt anymore. No, it definitely doesn't hurt._

 _She lies flat against the desk, her cheek smashed against it and her hands gripping the perimeter. She's on her tiptoes and her eyes are closed tight and she can hear herself moaning so loud that she's on the verge of screaming, but she can't stop. She can't contain the feeling of pure ecstasy. This is what she'd been out on, this was all she wanted and it was so worth it. It felt like she was floating, high into the clouds and drifting back into heaven. Something like infinity. Like the number eight rocked on its side and continuing on and on forever. If she could, she'd curl her toes._

 _And then there's a hand over her mouth. And she's not mad at that, not at all. In fact, she's grateful. Because she can't stop screaming. So he keeps going with his hand over her mouth. Pumping in and out, back and forth, faster and faster until eventually, the desk starts to creak. And it tingles, so she knows she's close. It gets hotter and hotter, that feeling of pure bliss swirling inside her, the feeling of an orgasm she hasn't had in God knows how long and the overwhelming urge to scream his name._

 _Did she scream? She must have. Because the hand around her mouth grips tighter and tighter until she feels fingernails leaving indentations on her cheeks. Her back starts to ache and the feeling of metal springs digging into her flesh is much too uncomfortable to bear. She moves, to tell him to ease up a little bit but he's not hunched over her back anymore. No, now he's on top of her._

 _He's on top of her and her legs are open but stiff and his weight is completely distributed over her. And he covers her like a blanket and grunts in her ear and stuffs an unwanted hand up her shirt. And squeezes her breast so hard that she can't feel it anymore. And he rocks back and forth and grunts louder as he gets closer. It's an ugly kind of grunt; more like a growl. Like the sound of a hungry bear at the site of food. It's a low, satisfied grunt and he's not hunched over her back anymore._

 _He's big and he's mean and he's heavy and he's strong and he's evil and he hurts and he hurts and he hurts and he hurts and he hurts until she hurts too and…_

She jolted awake so quickly that it's almost as if she was burned. Like she brushed her arm over the hot surface of a stove and pulled it away quickly, she jolted. She stared up at the ceiling and felt her eyes droop low again. Boy, did that escalate quickly. Dream to a nightmare in less than a second. She was sure that was some kind of record. She couldn't help the way that every time she blinked, they got heavier. It felt like a ten pound weight was superglued to both her eyelids and she could hardly keep them open anymore.

Somehow though, she found the strength and peeled her body up off her bed and ran her fingers through her knotted but beautifully silky brunette hair. She really was a pretty girl. Brunette waves that fell to the middle of her back, thick eyelashes that curled naturally, light brown eyes that had a natural glisten to them and skin that was virtually flaw-free with the exception of brown freckles that were everywhere and one single bright red pimple on her cheek that was only noticeable if you really looked at it right. She really was a pretty girl. But she didn't feel pretty.

In fact, she felt dirty. And not the kind of dirty that could be cured with a simple shower. It was the kind of dirty that she felt in her soul. The kind of dirty that sat on your shoulders and forced you to carry it around all day until you were tired and worn out by it. She wore the dirtiness like a jacket draped proudly over her shoulders.

She pulled her shirt off and over her head, tossed it into the hamper. Stepped out of her pants and out of her sticky, damp underwear and tossed them in the hamper too. She unbuckled her bra but instead of tossing that in the hamper, she stuffed it back into her drawer. Socks, hamper. She grabbed her towel off the back of her desk chair and walked fully nude to the bathroom door.

Finally, she was going to take a shower. And during her shower, she hoped to wash all her dirtiness away.

* * *

"You mean to tell me she didn't completely freak when you told her you were coming out with me?" Jackson asked as he steadied his burger with one hand and used the other to cut it straight down the middle. "She actually let you come out?"

He wasn't in the mood to talk about Lucy. Hell, he didn't want to talk about girls at all. All he wanted was to unwind from the most stressful day he's had in years and not hear anything about girls for once but of course, Jackson had to talk about girls. There was a part of him that didn't mind, though. Mostly because it was still guy time and guy time was exactly what he needed after today.

"She went out to eat with some coworker of hers so I told her I was going out to eat with you and I'd be home around nine if she got back and was wondering where I am," Alex replied. He stuffed two French fries in his mouth and chewed obnoxiously before talking with a full mouth. "Besides. It's not like I'm at a strip joint. It's just Red Robin to get a burger."

"Still," Jackson put the knife down and picked up the bigger half of his bacon cheeseburger. "I figured she'd castrate you for even wanting to come out. You know how she is. I'm surprised she didn't assume something was up with the fact that you said you'd be home by nine and it's not even seven yet."

"Eh," Alex licked grease off his lips and smacked them together. "I'm breaking up with her anyway so it don't really matter."

Jackson dropped his sandwich on his plate and coughed loudly, choking on the small bite that he got out before Alex dropped the bomb. He dramatically smacked himself on the chest and coughed some more.

"Wh-what?!"

Alex took a sip of Mountain Dew to wash his food down and nodded. "Soon as I get home. I was gonna do it earlier but I dunno… I don't really wanna break up with her over text."

"What made you decide to do that?!" Jackson's eyes were about ten times wider. "Last time...Last time I talked to you, you were thinking about rings! Now all a sudden you're breaking up? What the hell changed in a week?"

"I don't know," Alex shrugged his shoulders and bullied a French fry around his plate with another French fry. "You remember… Remember that student I told you about? The hot one? Nice ass, brunette hair, funny? Remember her?" Jackson cautiously nodded his head and Alex mumbled under his breath, "I screwed her today."

"You WHAT?

"Screwed her," he admitted. "Anyway, I don't know but… I guess I was just thinking…" He put both the fries down and looked up at his friend. "If I loved Luce, it wouldn't have been so easy for me to screw Jo, right? 'Cause I did it with no hesitation. I didn't even think about it… Damn picture of her right on my desk and I didn't even think about Luce the entire time."

"And now you're breaking up with her? Because of what, you want to be with the student? You want to screw and date one of your students?"

"I don't even know if I want to be with Jo," he admitted. "I mean, I like her and all but I don't know if it's enough to be in a relationship with her even if it did get to that point. But uh...no. No. Jo's not the reason I'm breaking up with Luce. I just don't think she's the one for me, y'know? If she was the one, I wouldn't have cheated on her, right?"

Alex sighed and Jackson just stared. He and Alex went back. Way back to college. And though Alex wasn't the easiest person to get to know and know well, Jackson knew him well enough to know that he really shouldn't comment. He knew him well enough to know that his questions as statements were all rhetorical.

After a few moments of silence, Jackson smacked the ice cubes down to the bottom of his glass with his straw and watched as the bobbed back up to the top. It was the typical use for distraction. It was something you did when making eye contact just wasn't easy enough.

"So…," he started. "What was it like?"

Alex cracked a reluctant grin at being brought back to the thought. _How was it?_ He asked himself, and he took the moment to think about it too-I mean really think about it. About Jo's pretty moans, about how she was so submissive and gave in to whatever position he wanted. About how snug and wet she was. About how nice her naked body was. About how clean he could tell she was, because she smelled amazing throughout the entire exchange. About how he wanted her again.

"It was…," he nodded his head, wearing that smug goofy grin. "It was amazing."

* * *

Her feet sunk down into the plush memory foam rug and her hair dripped down on top of it as she rolled her towel up underneath her armpit. She padded over to the sink, still dripping wet, and picked up her toothbrush.

Man, was she tired and glad she didn't have to work today. Because seriously, all she wanted to do was get dressed, crawl into bed and pass out for a few hours. That was all she wanted to do was sleep. It was all she ever wanted to do when she had a bad day, and today was just as bad a day as ever.

She squirted toothpaste onto her toothbrush and dragged it across her teeth so hard that her gums bled just a little, but she ignored it. Instead, she reached her free hand out and wiped the fog off the mirror just enough for her to see herself. And her eyes widened when she did.

"Oh crap," she murmured under her breath as her eyes fixated on the large, circular, purplish hickey that took up residence on her lower neck. She pressed her two fingers against it only to find that it was just a little bit sore, and bit her lip. It could be covered with a shirt, but it was still noticeable if the shirt wasn't the right dimensions. She sighed, spit out her toothpaste and rinsed her mouth before turning out the bathroom light and heading back into their bedroom.

Plain as day and cheerful, Stephanie sat upright on her own bed and continued to mouth along to the song playing on her laptop as she folded the basket of her clothes that had been sitting dormant in the corner for at least two weeks. Still sweaty and a little tired from cheerleading practice, Stephanie hardly even noticed Jo when she walked back into the room.

"Hey," she mumbled a greeting towards her then went straight back to singing.

Jo said nothing as she scurried over to her dresser and opened up a drawer. She grabbed underwear and a t-shirt from the drawer and dropped them onto her bed. One of the things Jo liked the most about Steph as a roommate was that she never asked questions and she rarely felt the need to talk whenever it was silent. She minded her own business that way and in turn, Jo minded her own too.

Quickly drying herself off and tying her hair up in a damp bun, Jo yanked her pajama clothes on despite the fact that it was only about seven in the evening and kept her back turned towards Stephanie to avoid questions about the hickey on her neck. Maintaining her quick speed, Jo crawled right into her bed and pulled her covers up to her neck.

"Tired?" Steph asked and Jo just nodded.

She rolled over onto her side and closed her eyes, trying to fall back asleep. Another thing she liked about Steph was that she respected nap time. Steph almost never bothered Jo while she was trying to take a nap and to her, that was an automatic ten points in her book.

When she closed her eyes though, tears began seeping out of them and rolling down onto her pillow.

 _Will this feeling ever go away?_ She sniffed quietly. _Because I feel so, so lousy. I can't… I can't even imagine how his girlfriend would feel if she knew. It would probably crush her. He said they've been together for a couple years now… If she knew… What kind of person am I? For sleeping with a taken man? And what if people find out? He's my teacher, after all. What if people find out what we did? What if my friends find out? They're gonna think I'm a whore. I didn't mean to though… Will this feeling ever go away?_

With tears streaming down her cheeks, she sat up and looked straight at Steph. "Steph…," she called her name through tears.

Steph stopped in the middle of rolling up a pair of socks and looked toward Jo. Her mood instantly deflated and she dropped the socks once she saw the tears. "Jo…?" she called her name and as soon as she did, Jo buried her face in her hands and began to sob. Stephanie sprung up and almost bolted across the room to Jo's bed. "What's wrong?" The sight was just a little bit scary to her. She had hardly ever seen Jo cry. Jo was tough. She didn't cry much. "What's wrong? What happened?"

"If I…" Jo hiccuped. "If I tell you… Please don't judge me. Okay? Please."

"Jo, I would never… What's wrong?"

"I did something really bad today," she sniffed and kept her face buried in her hands. Tears streamed down her arms and Stephanie used the bottom of her shirt to wipe them. "I did something really, really bad… And I regret it so much…"

"What did you do?"

"Don't judge me…."

"What did you do?"

Jo finally took her face out of her hands but didn't stop crying. She sniffed and wipes her relentless tears with the backs of her hands. "He was showing me something on his computer and we almost kissed so I left. But then I came back and I kissed him. I kissed him, Steph. I kissed him. I initiated it. I was the one-"

"Kissed who, Jo?" Stephanie kept her hand on Jo's shoulder in an attempt to calm her down. "Kissed who?"

"Alex!" Jo exclaimed and Stephanie's face fell. Jo sniveled and shook her head. "And as if that wasn't enough, my dumb ass went and had sex with him too." Steph's jaw just dropped and when Jo saw it, she burst into fresh tears. "Yeah. I did it. Okay? Yeah. Leah was right. I'm a slut and I did it. But I really need you to not judge me right now. I really need you to be on my side…"

"I…," Steph started but trailed. She just…she couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe what Jo was actually saying. She just… She couldn't believe it. "I'm on your side of course, but… Just… Give me a minute." Steph flopped down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, processing. "...where?"

"In his office," Jo sniffed. She was finally beginning to calm down.

"Wow…"

* * *

 **Friday, January 29, 2016**

 **8:19 p.m.**

 **iMessage**

 **732-555-8766:** hey.

 **8:23 p.m.**

 **Alex:** Who this

 **8:24 p.m.**

 **732-555-8766:** Jo…?

 **Alex:** O! My b. Hey

 **Jo** : lol hey. what's up?

 **Alex** : Nuthin just got home u?

 **Jo** : where were you at?

 **Jo** : and nothing, just watching tv :b

 **Alex** : brb txt u in 10 mins got 2 drive home

 **Jo** : okay.

He lied. He was already home. And when he pulled into the driveway, he was surprised but not unhappy to see Lucy's car already parked. So he lied to Jo. He didn't have to drive home, he just had to break up with his girlfriend. And he felt bad, he did. But lying wasn't the worst thing he'd done today. Not by a long shot. He would text her back in ten minutes though. That was one promise he'd keep.

He shoved his key into the lock and opened it, halfway expecting Lucy to be waiting for him on the couch the way she sometimes did and halfway expecting her to be in the shower because she probably didn't get home much long ago. He wasn't, however, expecting the apartment to still be pitch dark.

No lights were on, no TVs were on and the oven wasn't either. Not even the nightlights throughout the house were on. It was dead silent… Almost too silent.

He kicked his shoes off at the door and hung his keys on the rack. And he didn't know why, but something within his conscience was telling him to be quiet. And so he was. He tiptoed to the kitchen and looked around. Then tiptoed to the bedroom door. He felt like he was in a bad movie. Like he was about to walk in on something totally unexpected. Surprisingly though, he was calm.

He was calm when he placed his ear to the door. He was calm when he held his breath to hear more clearly. He was calm when his heart was pounding so loud that he could feel it in his throat and calm when he heard the sounds of a girl-his girl-moaning behind the door. The bed creaking, Lucy moaning, some guy laughing. He was calm.

He was calm when he twisted the doorknob, calm when he shoved the door open so hard that it banged off the wall and startled the bed's two occupants.

Inside the room, Lucy shrieked at the sudden interruption and sprang up, clutching sheets to her chest. The man, short haired and lanky, climbed off her quickly and looked towards the door.

What happened next was just a blur. But all he knew was that when he was leaving the house, all he could hear her say was "You weren't supposed to be home until nine," and "Wait!"

That was all he knew, though.

* * *

With her cell phone resting against her chest and her head cocked awkwardly to the side, Jo slept softly and peacefully, the way she had been for hours. After crying to Steph, she felt better. Still lousy, but better. And she texted Alex for a little while but she ended up falling asleep and she has been. She's been asleep for two, almost three hours.

Her eyelids fluttered softly when she woke up and when her eyes focused and saw that the time on her bedside clock read "10:54", she jumped up quick and felt around for her phone. _Oh god, oh god. Shit! He said he'd text me and I fell asleep. Where's my phone, where's my phone?!_

Panicked, she slapped all over her bed and sighed in relief when she picked up her outdated iPhone. She pressed the home button and felt both a sense of relief and a sense of disappointment when she saw that she had been asleep for two hours but he still had yet to text her back. She sighed, put her phone on her dresser and stretched out properly. After getting some sleep, she felt even better now. But she was thirsty and a little bit hungry and sure she slept through dinner.

So she swung her legs around the side of her bed and stood up, adjusting her t-shirt to cover her panties. Still a little bit groggy with sleep, she sauntered into the kitchen and paid no attention to Stephanie, who was sitting on the couch watching reruns of COPS. She opened up the fridge and grabbed her half-drunk bottle of water and unscrewed the cap.

"Hey Jo…"

That voice. It cut through her almost like the water that seemed to flow through her bones. You know the way it does after you haven't drank anything for a while? And when you finally do, it feels like the coldness is just rushing through your chest and it feels so damn good. The voice hit her like that, the same time her water did. And it sent chills up her spine. She slowly turned toward that couch only to find that no, it wasn't Stephanie at all.

He sat on the couch with his feet on the coffee table, perfectly at home. The remote in one hand, the over delved into a bag of Lays potato chips. He wore a smirk and a pair of pants. No shirt, no socks. Just pants.

As soon as she came to terms with who it was sitting on the couch, her hand slipped from around the water bottle and it went crashing to the floor, splattering all over the place. She gasped and jumped away from the puddle, but was too stunned to actually clean it.

"You mind bringing me one of those Moon Pies from the cupboard?" He asked from the couch.

Standing in her t-shirt and panties, Jo just… Nodded. She wanted to shake her head and tell him no, but she didn't. She fucking nodded. And like a mindless little robot, she stalked over to the cupboard and opened it. And she grabbed a Moon Pie. And she lifelessly walked it over to him.

"You gonna hand it to me?" he asked. She nodded but made no effort to hand him the snack cake. She jumped at the sound of Stephanie entering the room from the bathroom and she turned her head to look at her.

"Would you look who decided to wake up?" Stephanie joked and sat down next to Mike. But she could sense that something about Jo was wrong. Something was horribly, horribly wrong. "...Jo?"

"Would you hand me the fucking cake?" Mike muttered under his breath and for some reason, that sound-the sound of him dropping the f-bomb-really kicked her into gear.

Jo snapped out of it, wrinkled her brow and clenched her jaw. She looked at his face… His smug little face… And she lost it. She cocked her arm back and threw the packaged snack cake right at his face, then turned around and stomped toward the room.

"What the FUCK-" he started, holding his face where she had hit him.

"Whoa!" Steph sprung up off the couch and interrupted. "No! Jo, come back!" She chased Jo into the bedroom. "What the HELL is your problem?! Why did you just-" Jo sat down on the bed, shaking with anger. "JO! WHY DID YOU HIT HIM? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! HE'S DONE NOTHING TO YOU. I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE-"

"Just shut up, Steph," Jo mumbled and laid back down. She clamped her hands over her ears and tried not to cry.

"NO! DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP! YOU JUST HIT HIM AND-"

"SHUT UP, STEPH!"

"NO! HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU AND YOU JUST-"

"SHUT UP!"

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ACT LIKE THIS WHENEVER MIKE'S AROUND? YOU ACT SO CRAZY AND IT'S SO-"

"BECAUSE HE RAPED ME!"


	19. Heart Attack

There was a heavy blanket draped loosely over the back of the couch, a sheet on the cushions and one single pillow. A blanket, a sheet and a pillow. It wasn't much. Just a blanket, a sheet covering the couch cushions and a beaten down pillow. That was all he needed, though. Especially if it was just for one night. And even if he hadn't been given that, he wouldn't have complained. Hell, he was just happy to have a place to crash for the night. He'd figure everything else out later.

He didn't want to talk about it. In fact, he didn't even want to think about it. He just wanted to lie down on his perfectly made couch-bed, go to sleep for a few hours and hopefully wake up to a better day tomorrow. Because for what it was worth, today sucked.

Today, he made a mistake. Today, he did something he never thought he'd do, something he never _wanted_ to do and something he just wasn't proud of. When he woke up this morning, never in a million years did he think that he would end up cheating on his girlfriend. Never in a million years did he think that today was going to be the day he finally pulled his head out of his ass and saw that breaking up with Lucy was the best decision he could make for himself and for her, too. Never in a million years did he think that he was going to walk into the apartment they shared, only to find that she was, once again, one step ahead of him. And never in a million years did he think he'd be crashing on his best friend's couch for the night.

He was thankful for Jackson, by the way. He almost had to be. Because, if it wasn't for him, he didn't know where the hell he'd be. Probably sleeping in his car, probably in a cheap motel with bugs all over the place. Sure, there was nowhere in the hypothetical rule book that said he couldn't go back to the apartment tonight, because if he really wanted to, he probably could. He could probably get away with sleeping on his own couch. He could probably get away with not speaking to her. But the thing was that he couldn't even stand being around her. In all sincerity, he'd rather sleep outside in the cold than under the same roof as her.

With an extra blanket in tow, Jackson rounded the corner and slipped into the living room with hardly any noise. "Are you gonna tell me what the hell happened?" he asked. "You can't just text me in the middle of the night, ask to stay here and then just not give me any explanation. You'd go off the deep end if I did that to you."

Alex slurped down the last small sip of beer from his can and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand while a belch rose up in the back of his throat. He put the now empty can back down on the coffee table in front of him and looked up at Jackson with red-rimmed eyes and blurred vision.

He wanted to drink until his mind was fuzzy. He wanted to gulp and slurp and guzzle until his every memory of the day was nothing but a hazy gray cloud looming over his head and well, that was what he was going to do. The beer? That was the soft stuff. The empty beer can sat proudly on the coffee table as if it were the first and only thing he'd consumed. But on the floor, empty glass bottles that were once filled with various forms of vodka, rum and scotch were scattered about and made the empty beer can look like nothing more than a lollipop on a platter of cupcakes, cookies and pies.

For a moment, his mind was back in the apartment again. He was back to having his ear pressed against the door and hearing the sounds of Lucy moaning in pleasure. He was back to hearing the guy laughing, the bed creaking and the blankets rustling. Back to hearing Lucy say words like "Alex!" and "I'm sorry!" and "Wait!"

"I still don't want to talk about it," he mumbled.

* * *

"What?" Came the next voice and it sounded fuzzy but she knew where it came from. It came from the only other person in the room. From the person standing in front of her with hands on her hips and a real no-nonsense kind of expression on her face.

As she sat on her bed covering her face as her hands became more and more drenched with tears, Jo trembled. Her stomach muscles were tight and sore from each round of sobs when they rocked her body. Her head was throbbing, her eyes were aching and what she wanted to do was lie down. She didn't feel like herself and for that, she was scared. Horrified, even. Because she could feel herself slipping away with every second that passed and every tear that fell but she couldn't stop it.

It burned.

Her tongue sizzled, her esophagus stung and her lips were singed. It was like her saliva was replaced by acid; acid that coated the inside of her mouth and lingered around for a few moments too long. The longer it stuck around, the more it hurt and the longer it burned her and the longer she wanted to just disappear. She wanted to crawl up inside of herself and pretend as if she was no longer there. She just didn't want to be. She didn't want to see, to hear, to feel. She wanted to be somewhere far, far away from where she was.

It seemed like it was an eternity. It seemed like she had been sitting on the bed, staring up at her best friend and waiting for the response for decades. But it wasn't. It was happening fast. And No less than three microseconds after the last syllable rolled off her tongue, she already wished she hadn't said it. She swallowed her acid saliva and let it burn a fiery hot trail all the way to the pit of her stomach. And when it sat there, it sat heavy. It made her sink. It was almost like she had casted an anchor down to the pit of her stomach just by swallowing.

"What did you say?"

Her palms were sweaty, her lips now trembling and all she could do was wait. All she could do was sit and look up at Steph, and hope that she didn't screw up too badly. All she could do now was wait for her to say something- _anything_.

Stephanie stood in front of her. It was like someone took nails and hammered them into her feet just to get her to stay. She couldn't move, even if she wanted to. She stood perfectly still like a statue and looked at Jo from behind the lenses of her glasses. She looked at her. The one she once-upon-a-time called her best friend. The one that was sitting on the bed shaking so badly that it looked as though she was shivering, the one with thick tears rolling down her cheeks and the one with a scared, beaten look on her face.

"...What?" Steph croaked as soon as she found her voice for the third time.

Jo just sat on the bed, a mess of tears and emotion, and shook her head. She didn't know where any of this came from. She didn't know what the hell possessed her to throw the snack cake at his face, didn't know what possessed her to raise her voice at Steph and didn't know what possessed her to say what she said. She didn't mean to say it like that. She didn't mean to spit it out. But she couldn't help it. It just came out when she was least expecting it and it was such a horrible, horrible way to break the news. She wasn't about to repeat herself, though. She wanted to take it back, in fact. So she just shook her head. It was all she could do. Her only defense. Her head just kept shaking.

With that, Stephanie felt the anger as it grew. It started out small. A tiny little flame in the pit of her stomach that could easily be snuffed with nothing more than a simple blow. But now, it was spiraling out of control, it was manifesting and it was uncontainable. Before she knew it, her hand was wrapped around Jo's wrist and she was pulling-hard. Still loudly and hysterically sobbing, Jo latched onto her bed and dug her fingernails in.

"No Jo, get UP! YOU GET UP!" Stephanie demanded, pulling Jo harder as she screamed. "GET UP!"

"Steph…. Steph, please…. Please…. I just want to lie down, okay? I have a headache, I just-"

"NO, GET UP!" Stephanie grabbed her by the arm now and yanked as hard as she could, which ultimately left Jo no choice but to be brought to her feet. "You're gonna tell him what you said...sick bastard," she mumbled through clenched teeth and dragged Jo towards the curtains that separated their bedroom from the living room and kitchen.

"I don't want to!" Jo hiccupped and grabbed onto the doorframe. "Just let me lay down, please! I have a headache, I really just wanna-"

"You're going to TELL him what you said," Stephanie demanded and used every ounce of strength in her upper body to drag Jo towards the living room.

Jo stumbled a little bit but eventually, she figured that complying was easier than fighting. Still dressed in nothing more than a t-shirt and underwear, Jo submissively followed every movement Steph guided her to make. She couldn't tell what ran through her veins thicker. Shame? Guilt? Or complete and utter humiliation? Shame for breaking the news to her best friend in the most awful of ways, shame for letting Mike get to her enough for her to lose control and throw something at him. Guilt because she should've told Stephanie sooner, guilt because she didn't deserve to find out that her boyfriend was a rapist the way she did. And humiliation because all she wanted to do was lie down but now, she was standing in front of her rapist in underwear and a t-shirt. Each of the three things ran through her body like the blood in her veins but she couldn't tell which one was thicker. Perhaps they were all equal.

"Go 'head," Stephanie nudged her rather roughly, pushing her towards Mike a little. Jo kept her head down toward the ground and sniveled. "Tell him what you told me."

Having already heard Jo's outburst from his place in the living room, Mike sat upright on the couch and leaned forward with all his weight resting on the elbows that laid upon his kneecaps. He was waiting with a smug look on his face. He knew what was coming and he felt safe. He knew just what to say. So he let his eyes roam. Since he had it all mapped out and time to waste while Jo collected her thoughts long enough to repeat what she screamed, he let his eyes wander. Her feet first. Perfectly pink polished toenails and the most perfect looking toes. They curled under once upon a time. When she was moaning, those toes curled under and that was what made him even harder. Legs next. She had the longest, most smooth legs he'd ever seen in his life and if he closed his eyes, sometimes he could remember the way they felt like silk when he was pushing them apart. From her legs, his eyes rested at her core. Her underwear were made of that flimsy lace material and just as he remembered, there wasn't a sign of hair. He smirked to himself. One of his biggest regrets was not taking the time to go down on her when he had her to himself. He was willing to bet that she tasted like candy. He wanted her again...and he was starting to hatch a plan to get her again.

"Can I just go back to the room?" Jo whispered just barely loud enough for Stephanie to hear her.

"No," Stephanie shook her head and cleared her throat to get his attention. Sure enough, Mike stopped staring at Jo's sex and looked back up at Steph. "She has something she wants to say."

Mike shook his head and leaned back against the couch again. "I heard her." He kicked his feet back up on the coffee table and shook his head again. "Dumb bitch," he mumbled.

"So it's not true?" Stephanie folded her arms across her chest. "You better answer me, Mike. Because I'm not even close to kidding."

"Of course it's not true! She just doesn't want to look like the little slut she is."

"Did you have SEX with her, though?!"

"Nobody raped her. I didn't do anything to her she didn't want me to do. She just didn't know how to tell you that we hooked up so now she's pulling this shit."

Shocked, Stephanie immediately turned toward Jo and bawled her hands up into fists. "Why didn't you tell me?! How could you, Jo?! You don't know how to tell me you slept with my boyfriend so you just say he raped you?!"

Jo picked her head up and sniffed, trying hard to keep her jaw from trembling long enough for her to speak clearly. "I-It wasn't sex, Steph h-he-he-you remember that night! Y-you-you-rem-member," she choked, hiccupping with almost every syllable. "I-I-I-"

"So I raped you?!" Mike stood up and approached her. "Really? Is that what you're gonna tell her? You're too pussy to tell her what we did so know you're gonna tell her that I raped you? Funny, that's not how I remember it." He turned to Steph. "I fucked her. We were both a little buzzed but it happened. I should've told you….and I'm sorry I didn't. But I did not rape her."

Stephanie turned back toward Jo. "Well? You better start talking Jo, because I want answers!"

Jo just froze. The words were there. They were at the tip of her tongue and all she needed to do was say them but she...she couldn't. Not whenever he was standing less than six inches away from her and not whenever her back was against the wall. She pulled the rim of her shirt down so he wouldn't be able to see her underwear and just cried. She knew what happened! How could he lie?! She didn't want it! She said no! She said no, please, stop, don't! She pushed him! She cried! She passed out. She didn't want that… How could he lie? What more could he take away from her?

"Stephanie. Babe, look at ME," Mike began the pleading. "Look at me. Why would I rape her? Why would I rape _anyone_? You know me. You know that's not me. You know me, babe. I don't need to rape anyone. I can have any girl… You know that."

Stephanie kept her focus on Jo. "Did he rape you, Jo?" Jo opened her mouth, but the words just wouldn't come out. "Did. He. Rape you?" Her jaw trembled. "Did you say no?" She said nothing. She wanted to talk to Steph privately... Not here. Not in front of Mike. "I knew it," Steph mumbled and shook her head. She fought off tears of her own as she walked away from Jo and towards the couch to sit down. "I fucking knew it."

"Steph…," Jo's voice came out finally, but it sounded nothing like her. It sounded more like a wounded animal. "Steph, I wouldn't make this up… I wouldn't…. Please…"

"You're full of shit, Jo! You're full of shit! Because if he really did what you said he did, you wouldn't have waited! If he really did what you said he did, why didn't you tell me?! Why?! Why've you been letting him come over?! You're a fucking liar and you can go to hell because this isn't something you lie about! This isn't something you LIE about, JO! HE COULD GET INTO SO MUCH TROUBLE FOR THIS! IS THIS YOU THINKING THIS IS FUNNY?!"

Jo took a few steps back towards the wall and held onto it because the room was suddenly spinning. Her head was pounding, the room was spinning and her heart was beating entirely too fast. She could hear it beating in her ears and she honestly needed help. It sounded like a hammer pounding on cloth and she could feel her throat closing up. Was this a heart attack? She didn't know. But she needed help… She needed help… She couldn't breathe.

"I knew you were a liar…. You lied to me about a lot of things. About living in your car, about not having parents, about being a foster kid, I knew you were a liar, but I never thought you'd lie about this. This is SICK."

Slowly sliding down the wall so she could sit, Jo just opened her mouth. "I'm not lying! I'm not, I-"

"Is this what you're gonna do to Alex?! Huh?! When his girlfriend finds out that you let him bend you over his fucking desk, are you gonna cry rape there too? Because you're not-"

"STEPH, PLEASE! I KNOW I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU, BUT I WOULDN'T MAKE THIS UP! I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU, I SHOULD'VE-"

"AND EVEN IF HE DID RAPE YOU, WHICH I KNOW HE DIDN'T, BUT EVEN IF HE DID, YOU CAN GO TO HELL! BECAUSE WHO LETS THEIR BEST FRIEND DATE A RAPIST?!"

"Steph, please, I'm not-"

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

"I couldn't! I-"

"Oh bullSHIT! BULLSHIT! YOU CAN TELL ME WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD AND WHAT COLOR YOUR BOOBS ARE BUT NOT IF YOU WERE RAPED?!"

"Steph, please you're not listening to me you have to let me explain you really have to let me explain, I-I didn't have sex-"

"So now MIKE'S lying? Is that what you're saying? Are you saying you didn't have sex with him?!"

"Yes! I didn't-It wasn't-"

Mike chuckled and sat back down on the couch next to Steph. "She's got a mole on her left tit… I licked it."

With that, Stephanie seemed to be loaded with ammunition. She sprung up off the couch with the quickness and bounded over to Jo. She was sick of it. She was sick of the lies, the back and forth. First it was he raped her, now it was they never had sex at all. Well she was going to settle it once and for all.

With her knees pulled up into her chest, Jo sat on the floor shaking violently and sobbed her heart out. She didn't think she could get up but she wanted nothing more than to run away. She didn't know how to get Steph to believe her. She messed up. She messed up so bad and she didn't know what she could do to get her to believe her. It would forever be his word against hers. Was it not enough that Stephanie saw her that night? She knew how messed up she was when she came home...was that not enough? How could she get her to believe her? She wanted to run away from here and go somewhere where she'd never have to see anyone again. She kept her forehead against her knees and blubbered so hard that her legs were soaking wet. When she felt Stephanie's hands on her shirt, she just looked up but she didn't budge. She was too weak to budge.

"What're doing?" she murmured.

"I swear to GOD if he's right, I'm SO done with you Jo," Steph mumbled under her breath and began yanking at Jo's t-shirt.

"Stop! Stop okay!? Stop! Don't-Steph, don't!" She fought for a moment but she had no strength. All of it had gone into bawling and she was weak. So her shirt ended up pulled down and sure enough, the small brown dot on her left breast was exposed.

"Oh my god….," Stephanie stood up and paced back and forth. "Oh my god…"

"Steph…"

"Just… Just go away, Jo. Sincerely, fuck you."


	20. Let Me Out

**A/N:** It's short, but it's an update. Don't bug me about the length, don't bug me about the next update, don't bug me about when you'll see Jolex again. The length is short because I have to write whenever I can and I'm usually tired when I do so I'd rather get a short update up than no update at all. I don't know when the next update is going to be because finals week is coming up and I have schoolwork to do. Jolex is coming but please understand that there is more to this story than just Alex and Jo falling in love. More groundwork has to be laid down before they can be in love.

The jolex is coming. Just be patient.

* * *

With every step down the flight steps she took, the thin polyester strap slipped down further and further until finally, her backpack dangled off her back and hung on just barely by clinging to her forearms. The weight of the pencils, binders and notebooks inside the bag weighed it down and caused it to flop and thump lifelessly against the backs of her legs when she walked, but she continued on as if it was something she didn't even notice. Her backpack wasn't the only thing flailing.

The leisurely sloppy ponytail she tied her hair up in just thirty minutes ago was sagging to the middle of her back with a few missed hairs strewn all about, her black-rimmed reading glasses were hanging at the edge of her nose, and her sweatpants were below her hips. If she ran her tongue across her teeth, it felt like there was fur growing on them, the socks on her feet were slipping down her ankles and burying themselves in the sole of her sneakers and if she took off her jacket, one would see an enormous hole above the navel of her t-shirt. She didn't even bother nudging the strap up and fixing it, though. She didn't care enough to fix it. Loose straps, dangly backpacks, appearances and clothes that fit just weren't the sort of things she cared about anymore.

Lifelessly, she dragged her feet through a narrow aisle and dropped her backpack on the floor beside the desk closest to the door. She was way in the back of the auditorium, way out of sight and way out of her mind. At first, she thought she'd mind, considering the fact that in her entire sixteen years of schooling, she had never sat in the back of a classroom. But to her surprise, she found that she kind of liked it. Nobody would notice her in the back. Nobody would stare and shake their head or want to ask her what was wrong. In the back of the auditorium, she could just be.

She plopped down in the chair and stifled a yawn, crossing her legs and lazily unzipping her backpack. Just like her normal routine, she unloaded her notebook and her pencil, placed them on her desk, and patiently waited for the clock to strike "9:00" so the class would start. She nudged her glasses up on the bridge of her nose and looked around because in the back of the auditorium, she could see.

She could see Dr. Leeds and his wispy white hair that was slicked back today and neatly combed to one side as he situated his papers and prepared for the lecture. She could see Evan Embers and Lacey Matheson discreetly holding hands underneath the desk trays. She could see Georgia Smith scribbling down last minute homework answers from Peter Grubb's paper. And she could see the back of tight black curls sitting beside silky straight blonde hair. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't sit in her old seat. It was taken.

A soft aching sensation rose up in the back of her throat and almost as quickly as her vision blurred over from her eyes misting over with tears, she looked away. When she blinked, her now-wet eyelashes flung water droplets onto the lenses of her glasses and for that reason, she jabbed her fingers underneath the rims and wiped them. For the first time in two days, she had the feeling again. And it made her want to get up and leave and never ever return.

It hadn't happened in a while, the feeling. In fact, it all kind of went away and ceased to exist Friday night after she left. Because she was alone since then. She was alone and there was no one else around to look at her, shake their head and pass judgment. There was no one else around to make her have the feeling.

The feeling is what we all feel. That feeling that your heart is racing and your ears are ringing. You're dizzy and you're faint and you want to disappear because the only person that can save you from yourself is you. It happens when you raise your hand in class and call out the wrong answer. Or when you trip in front of everyone and look around to make sure nobody saw it. Like when you get home after a long day and look in the mirror only to find that you'd been walking around with that piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth since lunchtime. It's kind of like that moment where you remember that time you said something totally stupid in front of your crush and remember how big a fool you made of yourself. That wave of panic comes over you. It's nausea, it's embarrassment, it's humiliation and it's fresh in your mind and all of a sudden it feels just like it did the day it happened. It's that feeling.

And for two days, she hadn't felt it. Because for two days, she was alone. But now, it was Monday again and she was back in class and not cooped up in the backseat of the car she'd gone back to sleeping inside of and suddenly, she was in a room with someone that knew her deep dark secret and she was exposed. So the feeling was there again. And she tilted her head downward. She looked. She made sure her clothes were still on because she didn't think they were because she felt naked. And exposed. And raw. And open. And vulnerable.

Deep down, she knew this moment was going to come. Back when she was setting up her pillow and blanket in the backseat of her car on and laying down for the night and crying herself to sleep on Friday night, and studying in the front seat to pass the time on Saturday morning and hanging out in the PlayPlace at McDonald's to use their internet connection to do online homework on Sunday afternoon. She knew she'd have to face her again sooner or later. She just didn't anticipate it feeling like this all over again.

All she could think about was the look on her face and the seriousness in her voice when she said "sincerely, fuck you" and meant it. All she could think about was the feeling of her shirt fabric being ripped away from her body as her breast spilled out and became visible to both her best-friend-turned-assailant and her rapist. And the killer headache she had after sobbing for three hours straight in the backseat of her car. All she could think about was what happened that night…

 _"Steph, stop it…. Stop it," her voice is weak and shaky as she tries feverishly to clutch her shirt to her exposed chest._

 _She's half naked and Stephanie is standing over her like an angered owner about to whack a puppy with a newspaper. And Mike is standing behind her, looking at her bare chest like he has just hit the lottery. While she's on the ground with her knees pulled into her chest, tears running freely down her cheeks and sobs beating her body like a snare drum. It's the kind of thing you see in a movie. The kind of thing that makes your stomach drop. It's like witnessing a murder and in a sense, that's what it is. It's the taking of a life. It's making a girl cower half-naked in front of a man that brutally, viciously raped her just to prove a point. It's not killing her per se. But it's taking a piece of her life senselessly. It's a murder._

 _"I can't believe you…," Stephanie's voice is laced with disgust and she shakes her head like she can't even stand breathing the same air as this...this worthless pile of shit she used to call her best friend. "You...you slept with my boyfriend…"_

 _Still shaking like a dead leaf on a windy autumn day, Jo shakes her head and opens her mouth to suck in some air. She looks like a child. Like a child in a grocery store that lost its mother and needs heavy guidance. She just watches. She can't move so she watches. Watches as Steph walks away and paces the length of the living room. Watches as Mike puts his hands on her shoulders and apologizes for "not telling her he fucked the bitch sooner." Watches as her life crumbles down in pieces around her._

 _And when she finally gets a little bit of strength, she crawls. When their attention is off of her for a moment, she crawls on her hands and knees over to the counter and helps herself onto her feet so she can disappear through the curtains and back into the bedroom._

 _In the bedroom, she manages to find a pair of pajama pants and shoved her legs through them. She wants to leave and leave soon because she can't be here anymore. She can't be here. She sits down on the bed though. She doesn't know where to go. This is her dorm. Stephanie is her roommate._

 _What's she supposed to do now?_

 _"Jo!" Stephanie's voice screams from the living room and for a moment, she freezes on the bed._

 _Her name is Jo but for some reason, it doesn't belong to her anymore. She doesn't feel like "Jo" anymore. She feels… Different. Like she lost a piece of herself a moment ago._

When the lights in the auditorium dimmed, Jo quickly snapped out of her thoughts and opened up her notebook to a clean sheet of paper and pumped some lead into her mechanical pencil. Her stomach was still churning at the memory, but she wanted to get back into something normal. She wanted to take notes and find herself again. Because she didn't know who she was. When she thought of herself, she didn't know. Who was she? A good student. That was what she had.

Dr. Leeds turned on the microphone and tapped it the way he always did for a test, and feeling more confident, Jo sat up straighter. She sat up and fixed her glasses again, prepared to listen intently. She licked her lips and when her tongue ran across them, it was drawn to a specific spot. A split. Right down the middle. She tasted that nasty metallic taste and it stung, but she couldn't stop licking at it. And ultimately, she couldn't stop thinking about how she got the split.

 _"I said I'll go…," she whispers to the three of them now._

 _Now dressed in a pair of pajama pants and the same t-shirt that was just ripped from her body moments ago, Jo stands with her back against the wall. Her hands are shaking and trembling but she's managing to bring them up every now and again to wipe her face free of tears. Her hair, damp from tears, is sticking to her cheeks and her forehead. She sniffs and looks at the two girls standing in front of the door, preventing her from leaving._

 _She knew she should've been quicker. She knew that if she didn't move quickly, she'd be stuck. And now, here she is. Stuck. Because Stephanie just had to call Leah and cry. She had to call Leah and tell her what happened because she needed someone to vent to. And of course, Leah had to come over with chocolate and wine so they could talk about what happened. And now, all because she couldn't move to get out of the dorm within 20 minutes, she's stuck._

 _"I'm not letting you leave until you admit you had sex with him. You keep lying about it," Stephanie crosses her arms and remains standing in front of the door. "All I want is the truth, Jo. That's all I want. Tell me the truth and I'll let you go. I don't even… I…. We can be friends again. We can work through it. Just admit it. Literally, all I want is for you to tell the truth."_

 _"I am…," Jo whispers._

 _"What?" Stephanie demands. "Speak up, I can't hear you."_

 _"I am telling the truth!"_

 _"No you're not! Jesus fucking CHRIST, JO! All I want is the truth! Stop lying about it! You're caught! Just admit it already! He did not rape you! If he raped you, he wouldn't be able to go into all these details about the different positions!" Stephanie throws her hands up in the air as fresh tears roll down her cheeks too._

 _"Steph, I wouldn't lie! I-I passed out! I didn't have sex with him, he-"_

 _"You're full of shit! If you didn't have sex with him, how does he know?! How does he know about the mole?!"_

 _"He raped me!"_

 _"STOP WITH THAT ALREADY! IT'S DEAD! IF YOU SAY IT ENOUGH, MAYBE YOU'LL BELIEVE YOUR OWN LIES BUT I DON'T! I DON'T! BECAUSE DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE GENUINELY A SHITTY HUMAN BEING, I KNOW YOU. AND YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD ME. YOU WOULDN'T LET ME LIE DOWN AND HAVE SEX WITH A RAPIST! YOU WOULD'VE TOLD ME!"_

 _"I didn't know-"_

 _"Because Jo Wilson is just so pretty," Leah mumbles in a heavy sarcastic tone as she takes yet another sip of the wine she brought over. "Seriously. She's just so pretty and nobody can resist her. She's so pretty that Mike McDonald has to rape her to get her."_

 _"I don't think that!" Jo defends, weakly though._

 _"You're a whore," Leah mumbles again and sits down._

 _"I'm not a whore…," Jo whispers and sniffs. "Can I just leave? Please?"_

 _"Not until you admit it! This is serious, Jo! Damn! Do you not get that he could go to JAIL and lose his scholarship? He could get kicked out for this! You can't lie like this! Just tell the truth! Jo… I swear I'll let you go. I'll let you go and we can even work past this. I just want you to tell me the truth… Please," Steph pleads._

 _"I'm telling you the truth. Steph, please. Please believe me. Please. You remember me that night. I told you about it I just….I didn't know how to tell you it was him…."_

 _"I don't believe that. I'm sorry, but I don't. Because the Jo I know would have NEVER let me lie down and have sex with a rapist. Jo… If you're scared I'm going to be mad at you for having sex with Mike, I won't be. If that's why you're saying this, then just know that I won't be mad. I just want the truth."_

 _"This is the truth. He ra-"_

 _"OH MY GOD JO, YOU HAVE ONE MORE TIME TO LIE TO ME. ONE MORE TIME AND I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN YOUR MOUTH."_

 _"I'm not lying!"_

 _"DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH MIKE?!"_

 _"Not willingly, no! I didn't have sex with Mike!"_

 _"DID. YOU. HAVE. SEX. WITH. MIKE?!"_

 _"No! I didn't-"_

 _This time, Stephanie's words are not what interrupt Jo. This time, a fist does. A hard, bawled up fist that collides with her mouth._

"Exam on Wednesday. I expect you all to have your extra credit assignments turned in on Wednesday as well. Late assignments will not be accepted and you can either hand them to me, put them in my mailbox or turn them into Alex," Dr. Leeds clicked off the presentation slide and turned off the microphone.

Confused and slightly disoriented, Jo's eyes flickered up to the analog clock on the wall and she almost gasped. Sure enough, it was 9:50 and time for class to be dismissed. Damn, that was the fastest class had ever gone by for her. She looked down at her notebook paper, which was completely blank, and sighed. She'd missed the entire lecture just by daydreaming. She didn't want to, but it looked like she'd have to go read the book anyway, just to supplement for what she missed.

In the same robotic way she unpacked, she repacked her bookbag and stood up. She didn't want them to, but her eyes went immediately to the curly black hair and the blonde hair and she traced them. They were both talking and seemingly giggling as they disappeared through the front exit without even so much as looking up at her. She figured they probably thought she didn't even bother showing up for class today, which was good for her. At least they wouldn't be looking her way.

She sighed again and hoisted her backpack onto her shoulder so she could leave. Her eyes flickered again though, but this time, they went down to the front of the auditorium. When she woke up this morning, she told herself that today was a new day and this week was gonna be a new week. She swore to herself that it was over. That she wouldn't go down to the basement today and that she wouldn't hang out down there with him anymore. She swore that it was going to be strictly professional from here on out because now that the only person she told about their encounter last Friday suddenly hated her guts, she didn't want to risk anything. She told herself she wouldn't go down to that basement, which is why she didn't even look at him during the lecture today.

But instead of taking the first step towards the exit and going back to her car until her next class at 11…

She took a step towards the basement door instead.


	21. Candle (Sick and Tired)

When she woke up this morning, she told herself that this week was going to be a new week. She told herself that she wouldn't do it and she promised herself that she wouldn't even look towards the front of the auditorium and at him. She even told herself that she was going to act like he didn't even exist. Because starting this week, she was going to be a new person and every mistake she made last week, every bad judgment call, every tear she shed, every horrible thought and feeling...was going to be wiped away.

It was a new week. She was starting fresh. But off to a bad start.

She knew she shouldn't. Deep within the depths of her conscience, in the part of her mind that still existed enough to let her make rational decisions, she knew that she was making a mistake. With every step she took, every movement she made and every inch that brought her closer, she knew that it would be within her best interest to turn around and pretend like this never even crossed her mind. She knew that going back to her car for a little while was better than this. But for some reason…she couldn't.

She couldn't turn around and retreat back to her car. She couldn't turn around and dash out of the auditorium. She couldn't just do what she knew would be best for her. She had to make the decision that would probably destroy her. She had to make the decision that would even further propel her into the self hatred and shameful guilt. No, she couldn't turn around and make the decision that would benefit her in the end. For this one moment in time, the pain and suffering was just a little bit worth it.

How did she know that he would even _want_ to see her? How was she to know that he wasn't feeling the same way that she was in this very moment? How was she to know that upon knock knocking on his door, she wasn't going to be turned away? Because once was a mistake. What happened last Friday was the biggest mistake they could've made and maybe-just maybe-both of them were foolish to think that a friendship could be built despite the fact that they'd had sex. She was taking a chance, taking a gamble. Nothing more than just hoping that he wouldn't turn her away once he saw that it was her knocking on his door.

She wrapped her hand around the wooden railing and took the steps one at a time as she descended further into the basement. The usual scent of mildew and rust and paint thinner encased her and for some reason, it made her feel safe. It was a scent that she knew, a scent that she could count on. She knew that each time she went into the basement, it was going to smell exactly the same. She could count on that...and that was something that she took comfort in.

She adjusted her backpack's strap on her shoulder and dragged her soppy moccasins across the floor and down the hallway. The bottoms of her sweatpants were still lined with rainwater and the pads of her sock-covered feet were dampened from the moisture that had seeped through the bottoms of her shoes. She was nervous and a little bit worried, but breathed easier when she saw light spilling from underneath his closed door. At least he was actually _inside_ his office. It would've been a totally different feeling of disappointment had today been the day he decided not to sit in his office.

When she reached the door, she bawled her very tired hand up into a slight fist and knocked on it twice before twisting the knob and opening it before he could even give her the affirmation to come inside. Her fingertips were trembling and her head was buzzing and it wasn't until now that she realized just how badly she needed him. She didn't _want_ him. She _needed_ him. She _missed_ him. Missed his face, the sound of his voice, his laugh, his smile, the way he looked at her, the way his hands felt. She missed his presence. And she hoped to god, for her sake, that he was at least up for seeing her.

She opened the door quickly, without giving herself enough time to second guess and overthink and chicken out and ultimately end up leaving.

When the door opened, Alex looked up from the stack of papers he'd just started grading and felt his shoulders tense. Admittedly, ever since Friday, he'd been on edge. Deep down, he knew that she hadn't told. He knew that the only way that anyone would ever find out what happened on Friday was if he told or if she told or if a janitor overheard. He knew that she didn't tell and he sure as hell didn't tell but still, he felt the panic rise up in him when the door opened. Because on the off chance that it wasn't her, that would mean that it was someone else and maybe that someone else was coming to tell him that he was fired for what happened on Friday.

He relaxed when he saw that it was her, though. It was just her. She wandered into his office and shut the door behind herself without even saying a word. He fought off a smile. He wasn't expecting her to come today. Somewhere along the course of the weekend, he convinced himself that their friendship was over. She hadn't been texting him back, she made no effort to talk to him and she didn't even sit at the front of the room today. He thought for sure their friendship was over and that somehow in sleeping with her, he lost her as a friend. Maybe not, though. Because there she was, standing right in front of him.

"Hey," Jo mumbled coolly and took her backpack off her shoulders as soon as the door shut behind her. He nodded his head, keeping his eyes locked on her as she sat in the usual chair across from him.

She kept her head geared toward the ground and it was something that he noticed. Usually, when she came into the room, she was vibrant and happy and smiling and looking straight at him. This time though, she was looking at the ground and hanging her head as if she was ashamed. Ashamed of what? He didn't know. But ashamed of something. And she looked...different. Granted, she was never quite the one to dress up and that in and of itself was something that he was initially attracted to, but today she looked much worse. Today, her sweatpants were two sizes too big, her t-shirt was baggy and holey and her beautiful brunette hair was tied back in a bun so loose and sloppy that it was falling out. And it looked greasy. Jo never did dress up, but she never looked...like this.

"I didn't think you were coming," Alex answered truthfully.

"Wasn't gonna."

"What changed your mind?"

"...Stuff," she mumbled and crossed her legs. She nudged her glasses up on her nose with her finger and stared blankly at the carpet on the floor. She was tired and it showed. The bags underneath her eyes were deep and purplish and her overall aura was rundown. "What's been going on with you?"

Alex wrinkled his brows at the way her voice sounded. She even sounded exhausted, which didn't set well with him. Her voice was stringy and gravelly as opposed to that natural sexy rasp it usually had.

"Nothing," he shook his head and put his pen down to give her more attention. "You okay? You...you sleep alright?"

"Not really, no," Jo shook her head truthfully and then cleared her throat. "How was your weekend?"

"It was cool," he shrugged and picked up his pen again. He figured she was hiding, covering something up, but he wasn't about to ask what it was. He figured if she wanted to talk about it, she'd talk to him about it. She must not have wanted to. "Yours?"

Jo shrugged and looked around as if she was re-familiarizing herself with the contents of his office. Something about his office seemed different this time around, but she couldn't put her finger on it. The calendar on his wall was still there, the bookshelves, the computer, the mini fridge… Her eyebrows wrinkled when she noticed what it was that was missing.

"...I missed you," she whispered.

Alex paused for a moment, stunned. He wasn't expecting her to say that but he was damn glad she did. He smirked. "You missed me...but you weren't gonna come see me… that makes sense."

"I really _don't_ want to be down here, but-"

"Then why are you? I'm not twisting your arm. If you don't want to be down here then you're free to go."

"I had a really rough few days Alex, please don't-"

"You started it," he mumbled. "...You're the one that said you didn't want things to be awkward. You're the one that said you wanted to forget it ever happened. You're the one that's being weird. I never told you that you couldn't come down here anymore. I told you we could take this back to normal, but you-"

"How are we _ever_ going to make this NORMAL again, Alex?!" she huffed and for the first time today, tears streamed down her cheeks. Normally, she wouldn't cry that easily. But she just… Wasn't herself today, that's for sure. "You can't just-you don't just- _pretend_ like you didn't have sex with someone. You can honestly sit there and tell me that you can be down here with me and forget about the fact that we had sex? You can forget about that? And be normal?"

"It wasn't my idea! _You're_ the one that said you wanted to! So obviously I'm gonna go along with that." Alex clenched his jaw and took a breath to calm down once he saw the tears. "Look. If you don't want to have sex with me anymore, I don't care. I'm not going to beg you for sex. But what I'm not gonna do is let you sit here and try to turn this all around on me. You're not about to make me look like I'm treating you like nothing but a booty call when I'm not. It wasn't my idea to forget about the sex. And it wasn't me that told you that I don't want to be around you."

"Because I don't! I don't want to be around you right now, Alex! I don't want to be down here, I don't want to be having this conversation with you and I know for a fact that I SHOULDN'T be having this argument when you're not-"

"Then why are you?! SERIOUSLY JO, if you don't want to be here then why are you?!"

"Because I don't have anywhere else to go!" Jo threw her hands up in the air and felt her throat close up as her voice cracked. "It's here or my car and I don't want to sit in my car for an hour. I don't have anywhere else to go, nobody else to talk to and I missed you! I missed you! I'm not proud of what we did especially knowing that you have a girlfriend and I know I shouldn't be down here and helping you continue to cheat on your girlfriend because believe me emotional cheating is a thing too but I couldn't help it because I missed you and I wanted to be around you and I don't have anywhere else to go I just need someone right now okay and you're the closest thing I've got to someone and I-"

"Wait," Alex closed his eyes and shook his head, sitting upright in his chair. "Back up, back up. Take a breath and hold on a minute. What do you mean you have nowhere else to go?"

Jo just remained sitting in the chair. She covered her hands over her face and for the first time since Friday when everything with Stephanie went down, she sobbed. It had been bottled up and bottled up and just pent up inside and it needed to be released. And it was released through sobs. She didn't mean to do this. She didn't mean to come down to Alex's office and throw all her issues all over him and leave them in a pile for him to sort out, but she couldn't help it. He truly was the only thing she had and she really could use someone to talk to. Her life was in shambles. Just last week, it was perfect and this week, it was in pieces on the floor. Pieces she didn't know how to pick up. Pieces she didn't know how to make fit. She didn't want him to offer advice. Hell, she didn't even want him to say anything at all. She just wanted him to listen. That was all. She just wanted him to listen, maybe tell her that it was going to be okay and then just send her on her way. That was all she wanted.

"Jo. What the hell do you mean you've got nowhere else to go?"

She shook her head and took her hands away from her soaking wet, blotchy red cheeks. Her eyes were red-rimmed and she was even more exhausted than before because crying took the last little bit of energy she had left. She could pass out at any moment.

"No, tell me. What the hell do you mean? You don't have anywhere to go?"

"I'm sorry," she whispered and stood up. She quickly bent down and picked up her backpack again and moved for the door. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…"

"No!" Alex sprung up out of his chair and bounded for the door. He pushed past her and stood in front of it, arms folded across her chest. "Tell me. Tell me what you mean… You don't have anywhere to go? Are you...homeless or something? Is that what you mean?"

He knew it was extreme and most likely out of the question, but it seemed to make logical sense. She was dressed terribly today, her clothes were all tattered and wrinkled, she had on glasses he never saw her wear before and her hair was clearly dirty. He knew it was an extreme conclusion to jump to, but it really did make sense to him. Jo put her head down and just shook it, still sobbing and trembling. To him, she looked so… Tired. And it wasn't the kind of tired that could be fixed with a pillow and a blanket. No. She looked tired of everything. Tired of being awake, tired of crying, tired of standing and just tired of life. What had happened in two days?

"What about your dorm?" he asked. She shook her head again. "What the hell happened?" She shrugged her shoulders. "Tell me what happened…" He placed his hand inside hers and held it. "What happened?"

"It's a long story," she whispered. "I just don't have anywhere to go…"

"I have time if you wanna tell it," he shrugged.

"I don't want to talk about it," she sniffed.

"Fine. We don't have to," he shrugged his shoulders again and just looked at her. He knew what he wanted to do, but he wasn't sure if it was a good idea. If he did what he wanted to do, he was violating so many moral codes and breaking so many university rules. But then again… They already broke the rules. The second he kissed her, the rules were broken. He was already eligible to lose his job. What's another bad judgment call? "Have you eaten anything? Taken a shower?" Jo shook her head. "Where the hell have you been sleeping?"

"...My car."

"Your car?! You've been sleeping in your car?! Why the hell… Why didn't you… You… Why didn't you text me?!" She was silent. "Since when?!"

"Friday!" she croaked. "Just since Friday. I had an argument with my roommate and I… I just can't stay there right now, okay? And I wasn't gonna text you… What would you have been able to do? Nothing. I'm not your problem."

"I would've done something," he mumbled and took a deep breath. This was breaking so many rules… But he knew what he had to do. "You're not going to your class at eleven," he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

Jo's head snapped up and she looked at him with incredulous, slightly angry eyes. "Excuse me? You're not gonna tell me what I am and am not-"

"Look at yourself! You're half dead and falling over. You need to eat something, you need to bathe and you need to take your ass to sleeps. You're not going anywhere. You're gonna… you're gonna… Come with me," he walked back over to his desk and grabbed his car keys and his cell phone. "Grab your bag and come on."

"Where are you taking me?" she asked but truthfully, she didn't care. She trusted him enough to know that he wasn't going to hurt her. And well… A shower sounded nice. She hadn't showed since Friday.

Alex opened up his office door and held it open for her. "I've got a… Room. At the Comfort Inn up on 67th. It's not much but… Just come on."

"What are you doing with a motel room?"

"You're not the only one that had a crappy weekend."


	22. You Don't Own Me

Without even so much as looking up, Alex slid the card key into the slot and hardly waited for the lock to beep before he turned the handle downward and opened up the door. He treated the entire thing as if it were the most normal thing in the world. Like… Like she was his _girlfriend_ and they were a couple and all he was doing was casually escorting his girlfriend back to the hotel room that they mutually shared and that this was just an everyday occurrence. He didn't bat an eyelash when Jo dragged a trash bag full of her belongings and stuck it in the trunk of his car. He didn't even flinch when they drove off campus together. It was like this whole thing was no big deal to him; like it was something he did every single second of every single day.

When he opened the door, Jo lingered behind in the hallway for a few stray moments, looking around. She wasn't about to admit it, but in truth, it was the first time she'd ever been inside of a hotel. In the car, Alex insisted that the hotel wasn't very fancy and nice but Jo begged to differ. She liked the way the walls were painted a nice off-white color and she liked the way the chocolate brown carpet seemed to offset the walls. Paintings of inanimate objects like vases of flowers and bowls of fruit lined the walls and it smelled like cleaning supplies. It was actually quite nice, if you'd asked her.

Once inside the room, Alex flicked on the light and quickly began tidying up so she didn't think that he was a slob. He wasn't the cleanest man in the world, but he didn't want her to know that. He reasoned that had he known he'd be bringing her back to the hotel room today, he would've cleaned up a bit before he went to work this morning. He moseyed around the room and picked up the dirty underwear in the middle of the floor, the empty Chinese food containers, the bath towel and the socks.

Snapping out of staring at the scenery, Jo adjusted the grip around her trash bag and dragged it into the room. She paused in the doorway, though. Because this… Was not what she was expecting. By the sounds of it from the way he was talking in the car, she was expecting a rundown bed with cockroaches climbing out of the walls and mice partying on the dressers. She got the complete and total opposite, though.

A giant queen-sized bed jutted out from the walls and boasted dark brown head and footboards. The blankets were a little messed up and the pillows were scattered, but it looked comfortable. Next to the bed, a lamp rested on a wooden end table and beside that was a remote. Across from the bed, a flatscreen plasma TV was mounted to the wall and underneath of it was a large dresser. And off to her left was a door that was open and revealing a clean white furnished bathroom. It was small, she'd admit that. But it was nowhere near as bad as he tried to make it sound back in the car.

"Sorry about the mess," Alex mumbled and threw away an empty Pepsi bottle. "If I knew you were coming back here, I'd have cleaned up this morning."

"It's fine, really. It's okay." Jo dropped her bag off in a corner and closed the door behind herself. She exhaled deeply and looked around. "How long have you been staying here?"

"Just for a couple of days."

Alex busied himself by pulling back the blankets on the bed and adjusting the pillows. He didn't want to, but he found himself thinking back about Lucy. About how if it were Lucy standing in the doorway, he wouldn't have even bothered to clean up. He'd have let her walk into the room seeing dirty dishes and takeout containers and dirty laundry and he wouldn't have given a damn. But with Jo… He cared. He cared about whether or not she knew he was a careless slob and he truly, truly didn't want her to think so. What was so different about her? Was he going soft? God, he hoped not.

"Do you want to… Take a shower or something?" Alex stood with his hands on his hips and looked around. "All I've got is guy stuff, but if you don't mind smelling like a dude, you can use my soap in there. I don't have shampoo or anything like that, though."

"It's fine, I have my own," Jo said politely and knelt down beside her bag so she could rummage through it for the body wash and shampoo and conditioner she knew she tossed in there. "Thank you, though."

"You have your own soap? But not a shower? How the hell did you figure to bring soap if you were just gonna live in a car?"

"I was gonna ask my friend Isaac if I could use his shower today," she admitted and gathered her own shower supplies in her hands before standing up. "He would've let me. He does anything I ask him to."

"Why? Does he owe you a couple favors or something like that?" Alex asked. He sat down on the bed and blankly scrolled through his phone. "What'd you do? A couple homework problems for him and now he owes you?"

"No," Jo shook her head and sauntered over to the bathroom door. "He has a crush on me. He kind of worships the ground I walk on and I'm not sure why."

Alex froze a soon as the word "crush" rolled off her tongue. He took a breath, regrouped and shrugged it off just so he could continue scrolling through his Facebook feed without showing signs of just how badly that did bother him. He didn't even realize it, truly. But deep down, he was bothered. Just the thought kind of drove him insane. _At least Jo's not interested, though,_ he thought and with that, he closed his eyes. He locked his phone back up, closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. For the love of God, why did he care so much? Even if she was interested, it's not like he has some kind of claim over her.

He looked over toward the bathroom door and felt his shoulders slouch once he saw that it was closed. Behind the door, the shower roared to life and he looked away from it. He sighed and flopped back, staring at the ceiling while his head rested on the pillows. Did he have feelings for Jo? Something stronger than just wanting to bend her over his desk again? He didn't really… Know.

If he did, that would explain the reason why he didn't care so much about Lucy. That would explain why he was able to just let her go. That would explain why he suddenly didn't give a damn about losing his job as long as she had some place safe to stay at night. But were there feelings there?

It wasn't that he didn't care that Lucy cheated, because it would be a lie if he said that. He'd be a liar if he said he didn't cry, get insanely drunk or feel like someone punched him in the stomach when he opened the door and saw some guy climbing off his girlfriend. That stung. Bad. And it wasn't like he was mad at her for actually cheating, because he wasn't and he would be a hypocrite if he was. Because that same day, he enjoyed the hell out of Jo and planned on breaking up with her anyway. But it still stung pretty badly when he saw it and maybe because she was doing it in their bed. In the apartment that they both paid for, in the bed that they both slept in. And he knew that if he hadn't gotten home when he did, she would've played it off like it never happened and just let him continue to think that she wasn't a cheater.

He picked his phone back up from the spot on the bed he set it down on and opened up his text messages. Deep on the inside, he'd swear that he didn't care. To anyone that asked, he'd insist that the breakup with Lucy really didn't bother him and to a certain extent, it really didn't. To a certain extent, he was _glad_ she cheated, almost. Because at least then, he had a reason. At least then, the breakup wasn't contrived and was completely justified. He couldn't help but think about all the wasted time, though.

 **Saturday, January 30, 2016**

 **1:31 a.m.**

 **iMessage**

 **Lucy:** Are you up?

 **1:34 a.m.**

 **Lucy:** Alex

 **1:39 a.m.**

 **Lucy:** I know you're up your read receipts are on

 **1:40 a.m.**

 **Lucy:** Alex can we please talk

 **1:42 a.m.**

 **Alex:** wat do u want

 **Lucy:** To talk about what happened

 **Lucy:** I'm sorry

 **1:55 a.m.**

 **Lucy:** I know youre mad but I think I owe you at least an explanation so I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry and I understand if youre mad. I just want to let you know that it was a 1 time thing. It never happened before and I dont know why it happened I just wasnt thinking at all I was drunk because we went out for drinks and I really hope we can put this behind us because if you let me I really will make it up to you eventually

 **2:02 a.m.**

 **Alex:** Its ok

 **2:03 a.m.**

 **Lucy:** Youre not mad?

 **Alex:** no

 **Lucy:** Okay so when are you coming home? I really want to talk to you in person about this

 **Alex:** I'm not

 **Lucy:** Youre not what?

 **Alex:** Coming home

 **Lucy:** I thought you said you weren't mad…?

 **Alex:** I'm not but its over

He sighed again and exited out of the conversation thread. She called him a few times after that but of course, he didn't answer. He just had nothing to say to her. It wasn't like he lied, though. He didn't lie. He truly wasn't angry with her and he still wasn't, even a few days later. How could he be? How could he be mad at her for doing something he did too? If anything, he was just mad at himself for not seeing it sooner. It must've been a disconnect. Just something that wasn't meant to be. Because if it was truly meant to be, neither one of them would've cheated. So the relationship was over, he truly wasn't mad, and he was ready to move on.

Sighing yet again, he got up from the bed and dragged his feet over to the bathroom door. Were there feelings for Jo? Probably. It wasn't love or anything like that, but there was definitely something there. It wasn't as strong as love, but it was strong enough to make him panic a little when she told him that she'd been sleeping in her car. He didn't want to push it, though. Things with Jo were mellow, it seemed. And he didn't want to chance that or mess it up. Without even thinking, he twisted the bathroom door handle and pushed it open, casually walking inside.

At the sudden entrance, Jo clutched her towel to her dripping wet, naked body and froze dead in the middle of drying herself off. He wasn't expecting her to be out of the shower already, but he figured she was just a quick washer. He shrugged it off though, and started walking straight to the sink. Jo stumbled backwards a bit and eventually landed with her back against the wall.

"What are you doing?!" she shrieked. She held her towel onto her body to fully cover herself and cowered in the corner. "Get out!"

"Oh big deal, I've seen it all before," Alex shrugged and headed for a tissue.

"GET OUT!" Jo screamed. "GET OUT! I DON'T WANT YOU IN HERE!"

"Chill out! I'm not even looking, I'm just grabbing a-"

"GO AWAY!"

"Fine!" Alex quickly retreated from the bathroom and shut the door behind himself. Why did she act so weird? Okay… Maybe he should've knocked. He was sorry. But why was she screaming like that? It wasn't like he'd never seen her naked. He had sex with her, for crying out loud. If he had known that seeing her naked was such a big deal…

He sat back down on the bed and wrinkled his eyebrows. Why the hell did she act like that? She acted like he was a stranger. She acted like just a few days ago, she wasn't naked and moaning his name. She acted like just a few days ago, her boobs weren't in his mouth. She acted like he was some crazed pervert intruding in on her private time. What the hell was her problem?

 **X X X**

Back in the bathroom, Jo slid down the wall that her back was up against and rested her forehead on her knees. And she took a few deep breaths. Her heart was pounding so hard and fast that she could hear it thumping in her ears and her head was spinning. The entire bathroom looked as if it were turned upside down and spun around on its side. She felt sick. Her stomach was jumping all over the place and even though her skin was still a little damp from her shower, she felt herself sweating.

 _You're okay,_ she thought to herself. _You're okay. It's just Alex. He's not gonna hurt you, you know. He's not like that. I know you trusted Steph. I know you never thought that Steph would hurt you. But it's Alex. He really wouldn't hurt you. He brought you here. He's not gonna get you. You can breathe. It's okay. You're okay. Just breathe._

She closed her eyes and took a series of four deep, even breaths before re-opening them and eventually, picking herself up off the floor. She walked slowly over to the sink and looked down at the drain at the bottom of it. Then she looked up. And for the first time since Friday, she looked at herself in the mirror.

Dark purple bags decorated the skin underneath her eyelashes, the white spots on her eyeballs were a bright shade of red, and the split in the middle of her lip from where Stephanie had punched her was prominent. Accompanying the split was a small but noticeable bruise on the underside of her chin. She licked the cut on her lip then touched it with her own two fingers. And never in her life had she felt more...disgusted with what she saw in the mirror.

She would give anything… ANYTHING to just be normal again. She'd give anything to go back to October and avoid taking the drink that Mike offered her. She'd go back to that night and she would tell Stephanie right away, as she was collapsing on the floor of their dorm, that Mike McDonald raped her. She'd go back to Friday and take back throwing that Moon Pie at his face. She'd go back to Friday and stand up for herself. She'd go back to Friday and keep walking instead of turning around and kissing Alex. She'd just change everything. She would give anything to be normal again.

Because in the end, it was all her fault. She should've known better than to drink something a random guy at a party offered her. She should've worn looser jeans and a longer shirt that didn't show off her hips. She should've told Stephanie right away what happened and she should've gone to campus police and told them that she was raped. She should've kept walking up that hallway instead of running back to kiss Alex. She should've told him that she couldn't have had sex with him. Maybe… If she had done all those things, she would actually want to look at herself in the mirror.

She sniffed and wiped her teary, snotty face with her towel and looked away. She tucked her towel underneath her armpit, turned out all the lights in the bathroom and opened the door.

Softly, she padded over to her garbage bag in the corner and carefully avoided making eye contact with Alex, who was still sitting dumbfounded on the bed. She picked a t-shirt, a pair of underwear and a pair of pajama shorts out from her bag and walked them all over to the bed. She kept her head down, but slowly began dropping her towel. Her heart began to pound. _It's just Alex, stop it._ She settled herself and slowly, shamefully, covered her body with the clothes she picked out.

"You want me to go into the bathroom?" Alex asked, mindful of keeping his back turned. "Until you're done?"

"I-it's okay," she shook her head. "It's fine. I'm sorry for that."

"I should've knocked."

"It's okay."

Alex sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, looking down at the ground. "Did you just...wanna lie down? Or something?"

"Yeah," she nodded and sat down on the bed once she was fully clothed. "Just for a couple of hours then I'll be good to go back to my car. I just need a bed for a little while, that's all. After I rest, I can-"

"Back to your car?" Alex turned around and looked at her, irritation clear in his expression. "You think I'm letting you go back to your car?"

"Alex, you don't-"

"Shut up. You're not going back to your damn car. What the hell do you think this is? Do you know how dangerous that is? Jo, anybody can-"

"I'll be fine, Alex."

"Damn right you will be, because you're not going anywhere. You'll stay right here until you and your roommate work out whatever crap you're dealing with. But until then, you're not going back to a goddamn car. We'll go grab it off campus tomorrow. I've gotta be on campus by ten, you have a lab at eleven. You can just drive it back here when you're done. I'll leave you the room key."

"...So you want me… To stay _here_ … Until I work things out… With Stephanie…"

"It's not what I want you to do, it's what you're _going_ to do."

"You don't get to tell me what I am and am not going to do. Got that?! You DON'T get to do that."

"Well you're outta your goddamn mind if you think I'm letting you go back to sleeping in a car. Anything can happen to you in a freaking car, don't you know that? You know how dangerous that is?"

"YOU'RE NOT MY BOYFRIEND! I CAN DO WHATEVER THE DAMN HELL I WANT TO DO, YOU'RE NOT MY-"

"I'm not trying to be! This isn't about that! This isn't about me being your boyfriend or anything. This is about me _caring_ about you. So stop being so damn stubborn about it. You're staying here Jo, that's that. It's not up for debate. Either you're staying here or I'm staying in the car with you. Either way it goes, I'm not letting you be in that car by yourself. So take your damn pick."

Jo sat back against the headboard with her arms folded across her chest. She bit her lip and held back frustrated tears. She appreciated this. She appreciated it so much that she could honestly cry and kiss him right now. But it frustrated her. Because she wasn't this person. She wasn't this...this… Freeloader. She didn't want to just live off him and leech. This was HIS hotel. She was okay with coming back here for a little while but staying? Actually staying? How was she ever going to repay him?

"...How much do you pay to live here?" she asked out of the clear blue. "How much is it like… A week?"

"Don't worry about that," he retorted.

"I have a job Alex, I'm gonna help you pay it. For as long as I'm here, I'll help. How much?"

"It's $89 a week," he shrugged. "So just gimme… $44 every week."

"That's not bad." Jo nodded her head. "I can do that. I get paid every two weeks, though. Can we alternate weeks? You pay 89 one week, I'll pay it the next? That way I'll always pay it on my paydays."

"Fine with me." He leaned back against the bed again and sighed, looking at the blank TV screen. "You never did tell me what happened with you and your roommate." Jo was silent and all sense of playfulness or banter left her entire body. She was stiff and rigid again. Alex sighed. "I'm just saying, it must've been pretty extreme for you to have to move out."

"You never did tell me why you're living in a hotel and not in your apartment with your girlfriend," she bucked him.

He just looked at her with blank, unamused eyes. She raised her eyebrows up and down as if she was challenging him, and he eventually just blew air out of his nostrils and gave in.

"I broke up with her on Friday. She cheated on me… Walked in on it, actually. So I broke up with her."

Jo raised her eyebrows and fought the urge to let her jaw drop. So he was single? This whole thing… This wasn't cheating anymore? But… But poor Alex. That must've really sucked for him to walk in on his girlfriend cheating. Oh man, that must've sucked. She slowly reached her arm over and rested her hand against his.

"I'm sorry," she whispered sincerely. Alex just shrugged his shoulders. She took her hand away at that.

"So are you gonna tell me what happened between you and your roommate?"

* * *

The soft, generic sounds of the alarm clock on his phone filled the room and took until the second round of notes for him to even notice that it was going off. His eyelashes fluttered when he opened his eyes and groggily, he reached over and silenced the alarm with just the push of the lock button. It was amazing just how quickly two hours had gone by. He swore it seemed like just ten minutes ago, he closed his eyes and fell asleep. Now, two hours had gone by and it was time for him to get up. Damn, that was quick.

Still groggy with sleep, he lifted his head up off the pillow and yawned, but quickly paused whenever he realized that he couldn't move his right arm. It was weighed down heavily and only when he looked over did he notice what was immobilizing it. Oodles and oodles of thick, silky brunette hair were clustered all around his bicep and his chest and his shoulder, and her head was slumped lifelessly against his arm. She was breathing steadily and peacefully and she was quite serene.

Finally, he unwrapped his free arm from around her waist and untangled their legs. He didn't mean to fall asleep with her. In fact, he told himself not to. He set his alarm just in case he did, but he didn't think he was going to. He thought he was just going to lie in the bed and watch reruns of The Price Is Right until it was time for him to run back down to campus and close up his office for the night. He told Dr. Leeds that he had personal business to tend to so he wouldn't be available for the rest of the day, and he was fine with that. But he had to go back to campus and lock up his office for the night so he had to get up.

But when Jo laid down to finally get some rest, she didn't just lie on the opposite side of the bed like he thought she would. He thought she was gonna lie on her own pillow on her own side and sleep restfully for a few hours but no. She scooted a little close to him and laid on his pillow. And eventually, he wrapped one arm around her, then another. And she passed out. He was content with holding her while she slept. He was content with holding her and watching TV but he felt her breath tickling his chest and he heard her breathing and eventually, he fell asleep too.

Slowly, he eased his arm from underneath her body and stood up. He adjusted the t-shirt, which was rising up around her torso and pulled the blankets over her body a little more. He swept her beautiful hair away from her beautiful face and stared at her for a few more moments. Lightly, his thumb traced the bruise on her chin and he frowned. She still hadn't told him what happened and… Well… The more she put it off, the more scared he became. Because whatever it was _had_ to be horrific. She would've told him already if it wasn't something major for one, and for two, she wouldn't have a bruise and a split lip. He figured she'd tell him though. When she was good and ready, she'd tell him.

He stumbled around the room to put his t-shirt and his pants back on and though he didn't want to admit it…

He really thought he was going to come to like sharing a hotel with Jo.


	23. Am I Wrong?

Her breathing slowed to a near stop as she dug her cheek deeper into the pillow she was lying against; eyelashes fluttering softly when she opened her eyes. Her vision was blurry, so she took a few moments and blinked a few times to allow her eyes time to adjust to being open for the first time in almost four hours. She stared at her garbage bag in the corner, then allowed her eyes to roam to the vanity beside the door, then eventually to the bathroom door. She closed them again, took a deep breath, then rubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands as she stifled a yawn. Never in her life had she felt more well rested and it wasn't until now that she realized just how much she truly did miss having a bed to sleep in. It had only been three nights that she spent sleeping in the cramped-up backseat of her car but already she'd forgotten what it was like to sprawl out comfortably in a bed.

Now formally awake, she sat upright in the spacious, clean, queen-sized bed and looked around the room again. Admittedly, it took her a while to realize where she was. She was halfway expecting to wake up in the backseat of her car and halfway expecting to wake up in her dormitory. It took her a minute to register the fact that she was in a hotel room. Again, she rubbed her eyes, then she yawned, and this time, ran her fingers through her hair.

Beside her, the bed was empty and cold, but the sheets were ruffled so she knew he had been asleep next her once upon a time. Her eyes flickered back to the bathroom door and when she saw the light spilling out from underneath of it, she figured that's where he was at. How late was it? She didn't know. How long had she been asleep? She didn't know that either. In truth, she felt like she had been passed out for decades, that's how restful she slept. She thought it was rather amazing just how much crying could actually tire a person out.

What the hell was she doing here? What the hell was she doing like this? She felt better knowing that his girlfriend was out of the picture because at least now she wasn't helping him cheat on her, but still. She couldn't shake the feeling of this being so incredibly wrong. He was Alex, yes. But he was also her teaching assistant, also the one that graded her papers and also her authority figure. It felt wrong for her to know that no matter what, she'd see him. At school, she'd see him in the same classroom as her. And now… She'd see him at home? If that's even what you could call it. Was this home? It was a hotel room, yeah, but was it her new home? Could she call it that? Either way, it felt wrong.

But it also felt good. It felt good when she scooted next to him in the bed and put her head on his chest. It felt good the way she knew he felt her tears against his chest but drew no attention to them when his fingertips traced light circles around her arms. It felt good when she inhaled the scent of manly deodorant and aftershave while he held her, and the way she could hear his heart beating while her ear was pressed against his bare chest. And something that felt that good… Something that felt that right couldn't be wrong… Could it?

What did this mean? Her staying in a hotel room with him, her sleeping in the same bed as him, him being the one she came home to every night, him even offering to take her in? What did all of this mean? It didn't mean that they were boyfriend and girlfriend, did it? Because she didn't have time for that. Because she didn't need a boyfriend. At this moment in time, she didn't need a boyfriend. But what she did need was a friend. She had none anymore. Stephanie hated her, Leah never really was a friend to begin with, there wasn't a doubt in her mind that they'd somehow turned Heather against her, she never really was all that close to Shane, and Isaac… He was only someone she used. She needed a friend, not a boyfriend.

Did she have feelings for Alex? Damn, hell if she knew. Maybe she did. She was just going through too much to even tell. She didn't even want to think about that. The only thing she was feeling was well...hurt. That was the only emotion she could feel at the moment and it was too strong to feel anything else. So did she have feelings for Alex? Probably. But she just couldn't tell.

She leaned over to the end table and grabbed her phone off of it and just as she settled back against the headboard of the bed, the bathroom door opened and steam spilled out. She tried to distract herself by looking at her phone and not at him, but her eyes inevitably wandered to the door and she looked. She looked at him as he emerged from the steaming hot bathroom, hair still damp and towel wrapped around his waist.

Trying to keep it up, Alex adjusted the towel around his waist and aimlessly wandered into the room without even looking up. Figuring she was still asleep, he tiptoed over to the dresser that had been housing his clothes for the last three days and yanked it open. Once he got his pair of underwear out, he loosened his towel and dried himself off a little more before dropping it completely around his ankles. Jo felt her cheeks redden and pursed her lips together to hold back a laugh as she watched him climb into his boxers.

"...Nice ass," she giggled and eventually full-blown laughed whenever he whipped around and looked at her like a deer caught in headlights. She covered her mouth with her hands and laughed even harder at the way his cheeks were all red.

"Shut up," Alex mumbled and turned away, clearly embarrassed but desperately trying to play it off.

"I mean it!" Jo insisted. "It's nice! It's...it's cute. You have a cute butt."

"When'd you finally wake up?" he asked. He picked his towel up from off the floor and hung it over the bathroom door to dry. "You been out for hours and you finally decide to come alive when I get out of the shower?" He plopped down on the bed next to her and laid against the pillows as he looked at her. Out of nowhere, he placed his hand against her upper outer thigh and traced meaningless shapes with the tips of his fingers. "Get all your sleep out?"

Jo looked down at the way his fingers danced across her skin and found herself trying to crack a smile. Somewhere inside her body, she felt uncomfortable though. The way his fingers felt against her skin and the way they dragged across and sent chills up her spine… Something inside her made her want to push his hand away and tell him to get off. But the bigger piece of her liked it. The bigger piece of her allowed her lips to turn up into a smile and allowed her to appreciate his gentle touch.

"Not really. I could still stand to go back to sleep for a few hours," she shook her head and tied a long, thick strand of her hair back behind her ear. "...I'm hungry."

"Yeah?" Alex raised his eyebrows and finally took his hand away from her leg. It honestly wasn't until he took his hand away that he realized he was actually touching her. He didn't know why, but something always compelled him to touch her. It was like her skin was a magnet that he was drawn too. He always wanted to touch her. Even if it was just the simple act of her leg touching his or her arm touching his, he just had to touch her. "Would you rather have Chinese or pizza?"

Jo looked down at the spot on her leg that his fingers were once touching and sighed. She found that she actually missed his touch. "Which one's cheaper?"

"Don't worry about that. It really doesn't matter. Which one do you want more, though? I'm kinda feeling pizza." Alex sat up and picked up the remote to turn the TV on. "Pizza cool with you?" Jo nodded her head slowly and flopped back against the pillows. "Papa Johns, Dominos or Little Caesars?"

"Mmmm… Papa Johns."

"Alright, I'll order. You want breadsticks or something?" Jo shrugged the answer to his question. "Do you drink soda or would you rather me get like… A bottle of lemonade or something?"

"Soda's fine," she answered and watched intently as he dialed the number on his phone.

Clearly it wasn't the first time she'd seem him without a shirt, but it was the first time she'd seem him without a shirt this close and personal. She laid on his chest while he was shirtless, yes, and he was shirtless when they had sex on Friday too. But both times, she wasn't really looking. This time, she was. And well… She liked what she saw.

The muscles in his arms were chiseled and so bulky and prominent that they looked like he was flexing even when he wasn't. His back was muscular too and it made her wish to God that she had been underneath of him when they had sex because damn, it would've been nice to scratch. He had a little bit of hair in the middle of his chest, but not much. And she thought about it. For a split second, she thought about it and she thought that maybe she shouldn't. Maybe she should just keep her hands to herself. But then again… Maybe she shouldn't.

As he was rattling off their order into the phone, she leaned forward a little bit and rested her hand in the middle of his back. She slid it up to his shoulder blade, then back down to his waist. She curled her fingers under, allowed her nails to graze along his skin, flattened them back out and stroked. Alex didn't even budge as she rubbed his back. He just continued to spit out orders at the person on the other end of the phone and it seemed as if he hardly noticed.

"Uh-huh… Yeah. That's room 24 at The Comfort Inn. Yeah. Thank you, thank you." He hung his phone up and put it down on the bed in front of him. "They said 45 minutes."

"Mmmkay," Jo whispered and continued to stroke and caress his back. "How are you affording all of this? You told me once that you don't get paid much as a TA… How are you affording this hotel?"

"I just am," he shrugged. "I'm looking for an apartment though. I've been looking since Friday. There's one on um… 64th street that's about five-hundred a month, which isn't bad 'cause it's got everything included including cable. But it's not ready yet."

"Did you go look at it already?" Jo finally stopped stroking him and sat up straight. "Was it nice?"

"I didn't look inside it. But it's nice on the outside. It's right across from the Seven Eleven and it's on the second floor. I called the guy for it, he said he'll call me when it's ready to be looked at. I think that's where I'll be headed, though. Hotel's just temporary."

Jo sighed. "Looks like I'd better start making up with my roommate," she mumbled.

"Why you say that?" Alex turned toward her and faced her.

"Because," she looked away and down at the bed. "You're not gonna want me to be all in your apartment… Especially whenever you start dating…"

"You can crash with me for as long as you need to crash with me," Alex shrugged his shoulders and shook his head at the same time. "As long as I've got somewhere to stay Jo, you'll always have somewhere to stay. You don't have to rush to make up with your roommate."

"...I'll help you pay rent."

"Jo-"

"Don't tell me not to. I'm gonna help you pay the rent. You're letting me stay with you, the least I can do is help out. I don't… I don't make much at the Cafe during school months but I pick up a lot of overtime in the summer so if I'm still… Not saying that I will be, but if I'm still staying with you then, we can split it. Five-hundred divided by two is what? Two-fifty a piece? I can do that."

"Where do you go in the summer?" Alex asked, seemingly deflecting her original proposition. Jo raised an eyebrow. "In the summertime. When you're not in school. Where do you go? If you don't have an apartment of your own?" She remained silent and then shamefully looked down. "...You're kidding me. Are you frickin' kidding me? You literally LIVE in a car?!"

"It's been working for me! Ever since I was sixteen! Don't judge-"

"I'm not judging you, I just think you're stupid," Alex mumbled, shaking his head in disbelief. "So yeah, you'll be living with me in the summer too, unless you figure out another option. We can split the rent down the middle."

"Is your apartment a one-bedroom? The one you're looking at? Is it one bedroom?"

"Yeah."

"Well that's not gonna work," Jo muttered under her breath. "I'm gonna need my own room."

Alex's face fell. That wasn't even something he took into consideration. He pursed his lips together in thought and sighed before he shrugged, giving up.

"We're just gonna have to make it work. There's a living room. One of us can sleep in the living room."

Jo cracked a smile. "So… We're gonna be roomies?"

"Looks like," Alex mumbled. "...Ground rules. No taking longer than ten minutes in the shower. And clean your hair up outta the shower drain, I used to hate it when Luce didn't do that. Don't bitch at me if I leave the toilet seat up on accident, and I don't go to bed until midnight most times so yeah, just deal with that. Also, don't leave your tampons lying around. That's gross."

Jo wrinkled her nose and shook her head slowly in disapproval. "...That's disgusting, what was your girlfriend, some kind of animal?"

Alex chuckled, "Yeah, you're telling me."

"She's an animal if she left her...tampons lying around." The look on Jo's face was clearly disgust. "Don't worry about that. I won't do that… I don't even…. I don't even get my...yeah, so you don't have to worry."

"You don't get one?" Alex raised an eyebrow, suddenly interested.

"Yeah like once every three months, but that's it. My birth control is weird like that." She shrugged her shoulders and looked up at the ceiling. "So um… Thanks. I don't think I ever really said that, so thanks. For letting me crash here."

"Don't worry about it." Alex leaned back against the headboard and stared blankly at the TV screen.

So many things were running through his head. First and foremost, he was wondering about what happened. He still didn't know what happened with her roommate and the suspense was nearly killing him now. Secondly, his mind was still a bit caught up on the fact that she gets her monthly once every three months. How much of a godsend is that? Deep down, he knew that Jo wasn't interested. She made that so painfully obvious on more than one occasion but still… If she was interested, he could have sex with her practically nonstop because her monthly was almost not an issue. Thirdly, he was thinking about the fact that she clearly wasn't interested in him. She kept talking about splitting rent and sleeping in separate rooms… She really wasn't interested in at least trying things out? She was single, he was single. They had sex. He liked her… He thought she liked him… What was the hold up? Why was she so hesitant?

"So what happened? With you and your roommate, what happened?" he asked casually.

"What happened with you and Lucy?" Jo bucked.

"I already told you."

"Not the entire story."

Alex sighed hard and rolled his eyes up to the ceiling, concealing a profanity. Was this the only way she was gonna tell him? He told her already that he dumped Lucy because she cheated on him back. What else did she want? How long was she gonna play this game?

"I was gonna break up with her on Friday so I went out with my friend for some advice before I did it. I wasn't supposed to be home for a while and she thought I was gonna be gone longer but I wasn't. So I walked into the house and caught her in the bed with some guy. And now it's over."

"...And you're taking this surprisingly well," Jo observed. "You don't even seem mad."

"Because I'm not," Alex admitted with a light shrug. "I'm not mad. Why would I be? It just… Wasn't meant for us to be together."

"What makes you say that?" Jo asked, scooting a bit closer to him. She was suddenly interested. Before, asking him to explain about Lucy was just an easy scapegoat to take the heat off of her. But she found herself actually interested in what he had to say. She listened intently and rested her hand against his arm. "Why don't you think you guys were good for each other?"

"Because," Alex started. For some reason, it was easy. It wasn't like pulling teeth. Opening up to Jo was easy and he didn't know why. He couldn't even open up to Jackson this easily, and that was his best friend. "She… She always wanted a…ring, you know? She always wanted a ring. All her coworkers were getting married and having kids and stuff and she wanted the same. But I dunno, I wasn't really ready for all that."

"Why? You said yourself you'd been with her for a year and some change. Why weren't you ready? Was it all just a waste of time?"

"I dunno, I guess. It's not that I didn't want to, I just wasn't ready and I wanted to make sure I was ready before I made that jump. 'Cause that's a big deal, you know? You don't just get married on a whim. It has to be right… I learned that the hard way."

"What do you mean?"

"Izzie," he sighed and was silent for a few moments. "This girl I was with all throughout college. She went to Med school out in Washington and I was gonna follow her. So I… The day I was gonna ask her to marry me, she dumped me. So it's like… I dunno, I don't take that crap lightly. It's gotta be right."

"I agree," Jo draped her arm across his waist and rested her head against his chest. Again, somewhere in her mind told her that this was so very very wrong. But she couldn't help it. It felt right. "I think most people should think of marriage the way you do. It's a big deal, it's not something you can just throw away. I agree with you." Jo inhaled his freshly showered scent and closed her eyes. "...did you tell her? Before you broke up with her… Did you tell her?... About me?"

"No," Alex answered quickly. "That's not her business anymore. That's nobody's business except ours. That's between you and me and that's where it's gonna stay."

Jo tilted her head upward a little and looked at him. "You mean that?"

"Mhm," Alex nodded. "What me and you do is between us. Not us and a hundred other people. Who I'm screwing is my business and vise versa."

Jo softly grinned and gazed up at him with new eyes. She stared at his collarbone and felt the overwhelming urge to kiss it. She fought it, though. "...You know you can have sex with other girls. I won't… I won't be mad or sad or anything if you do. I won't care."

Alex looked down at her with confusion clear across his face. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you can have sex with other girls. It wouldn't make me mad if you did. You didn't have to… To break up with her because you had sex with me."

"You think that's what happened? You think me and Lucy broke up because I screwed you? ...Jo, you had nothing to do with that. She was the one that-"

"But you said that you were gonna break up with her anyway. It doesn't have to be because of me. You were gonna break up with her and-"

"Because it was the right thing to do," he said firmly. "I wasn't gonna stay with her when I just cheated. Look Jo… I don't care if we never have sex again. I don't care. I didn't break up with her because I wanted to keep having sex with you. I broke up with her because it was the right thing to do. I needed to get my head on straight and that had nothing to do with you."

"Well… Well I'm just saying. You don't have to worry about me getting mad at you for having sex with other girls. You can have sex with other girls."

"Why would I want to, though? Why would I need to? Why do I need other girls when you're right here?"

"...because we're not having sex again? You said… You said it was a one time thing. Just to get it out of our systems. It's out of our system, we can move past it and be friends."

"I wasn't aware that we agreed to never do it again," Alex mumbled, clearly disappointed.

"I just don't think we should. I think… I think we should stay friends. Because I really need a friend right now, Alex. Okay? I need a friend. Not somebody that's going to hump me and then roll over like I don't exist. I don't need that. I just really want you-"

"Why do you keep thinking that that's all I want from you?! Why do you keep making it seem like all I wanted was your ass and now that I've got it, I'm just gonna forget about you? Open your damn eyes. If I was gonna bang you and forget about you, you wouldn't be here right now. Stop saying that. You wanna be friends, fine. I like being your friend. But stop acting like I'm treating you like you're the hump and dump. You're not. I've had tons of those and you're not it. You're pissing me off with that now."

"I-I… Sorry." Jo sighed. "I just don't think we should have sex anymore. Not… Not right now, okay? Not right now. Not while my head's all messed up and I keep thinking something's gonna happen because the last thing I need is to have a-"

"Something like what's gonna happen? You keep thinking that something like what's gonna happen, Jo?" He asked and she shut up so quickly that he hardly had a moment to grasp what she fully said. "Something like what?" Jo was still silent. "...Same something that busted your lip? And gave you that bruise?" Still silent. "Something like what, Jo?"

"Nothing," she whispered.


	24. Bittersweet Symphony

**A/N: M ** rated language here.

* * *

 **Thursday, February 4, 2016**

 **11:31 a.m.**

 **iMessage**

 **Jo:** are you back at the room?

 **11:36 a.m.**

 **Alex:** No on campus y r u?

 **Jo:** no but i will be pretty soon & i don't have the key. where are you?

 **Alex:** My office

 **Jo:** how long are you going to be there?

 **Alex:** Like 30 min

 **Jo:** can i come down and get the key off you?

 **Alex:** Yea

 **Jo:** okay i'll be done in like ten minutes.

 **Jo:** *down

As soon as her thumb tapped the blue "send" button, Jo locked her phone and slipped it into the front pocket of her jeans so she could stand up. When she stood, she adjusted her baggy, oversized sweater, tucked her hair behind her ears and closed her notebook to pack up. To anyone that didn't know just how bad last week was for her, she looked perfectly normal. For the first time in a week, she cared enough to put on a pair of skinny jeans, cared enough to straighten her hair and cared enough to put a little bit of eye makeup on. Straightened, her hair fell a little past her breasts and boasted pretty nasty split ends but it was probably one of her most beautiful features. Though they were tight, her jeans were light and comfortable and allowed her to breathe through the rips on the kneecaps. She had even worn shoes different than her usual moccasins. She looked a whole lot better than she did last week and in a sense, she felt better too.

She looped her arms through her backpack straps and situated it on her back as she leaned down to pick up her plate, which was empty save for a small puddle of gravy leftover from her mashed potatoes, and her cup that was still filled with a few sips of fizzy Dr. Pepper. It felt good to get back to normal but even better to have somewhat of a routine.

Since Monday, she woke up in the hotel every morning and usually, Alex wasn't there. Between classes of his own and having to be on campus at certain times, he almost always left before she did and took the key with him since nine times out of ten, he'd be back before she was. So her routine was almost always the same. She'd wake up, get dressed, drive her car to campus, go to classes and, she'd sit in the library or a computer lab for a few hours while she waited for her next class to start. It was a simple routine but it worked fairly well and for Jo, stability wasn't something she was willing to wager. It wasn't something she was used to and while she had it, it felt good. She'd grown comfortable with the way things were working out lately and that alone was enough to make her feel better.

She sat in the back of Histology now, too. Instead of her usual front row seat, which she had unwillingly relinquished to Leah, she sat a few rows back and had to wear her glasses constantly to see the board. It was worth it though, because she hadn't come face to face with or spoken to Stephanie since the night her life went downhill. On Tuesday, she finally ventured back into her dorm. While she knew Stephanie would be away for a few hours at cheerleading practice, she went back into the dorm and collected the rest of her things into a plastic bag. And that was that. Because now, she had another option. She didn't have to live with Steph if she didn't want to anymore. She had another choice.

"Thank you," she said politely as she shoved her plate and silverware through the slots for the workers in the kitchen to wash them. Using her elbows, she pushed the double doors open and casually strolled down the hallway that'd lead her to the main entrance and exit of the cafeteria building.

She didn't want to jinx anything, but she thought for sure that things were starting to look up. She hardly ever thought about Stephanie, last Friday was nothing but a distant memory buried deep in the back of her mind, she and Alex had been growing closer and it really seemed like living in the hotel was going to be manageable. Things were undoubtedly looking up… She just didn't know how long it would last.

Of course though, there were some drawbacks. Not everything was fine and dandy. Occasionally, she found herself missing Stephanie. She would scroll through her Instagram feed or through her Twitter timeline and see something funny that she wanted to share with her best friend and it was rough when she had to remind herself that her best friend wasn't her best friend anymore.

Sometimes when she was trying to fall asleep at night, she thought about last Friday and the way she felt like nothing else was ever going to be right. For the most part, she didn't think about Mike but sometimes she caught herself remembering his smile and the way he laughed at her and called her a liar.

On the plus side though, she was beginning to really think of Alex as friend. Not that she hadn't already, but it was just becoming more and more solid these days. Because these days, he made her laugh when she didn't even feel like laughing, made her smile when all she wanted to do was cry and most of all, he listened. Granted, she still hadn't told him the whole story. He still didn't know why her lip was busted and why she had to move out of her dorm, but he listened whenever she vented to him about how she never believed that Stephanie wouldn't trust her. And for the first time in her entire twenty-one years of existing, she never once doubted that somebody cared. She knew he did. When he listened without talking and heard her without judging, she never had to doubt that he cared. She missed Stephanie as her best friend but… It felt like she was gaining another.

But most importantly, the bill for this week had gotten paid. Granted, Alex was the one who paid it but still, she felt like she was actually useful because her measly little $50 paycheck from last week's hours was used to fill up the mini fridge with food for the week. She was going to pick up more hours. In fact, she worked a shift tonight. But knowing that she was going to be able to help Alex out with living expenses made her feel that much more comfortable.

Things _were_ indeed looking up… But she just didn't want to jinx it. Because of course, every time something in her life seemed to go right…

A bunch of other things started to go wrong.

* * *

He pressed the tips of his fingers down to the buttons on his calculator, all the while tapping his foot along in rhythm to the music. Despite the multiple bright red correction marks all over the quiz in front of him, he tried his best to disregard the name on top. It wasn't her best. In fact, it was probably her worst. Five incorrect answers on the first page alone and four more on the back. Five times two was ten, plus another four times two which was eight. Eighteen points she had missed and dammit, he knew that she could do better. Personal problems were in the way, she wasn't focused and she damn sure wasn't concentrating. What student would? After moving out of a dorm and having a huge blow up with a roommate? Which student would have their head on straight? He knew she was capable of so much more.

But he had to be fair. He knew that. So for that reason, when he jotted the measly "62%" down at the top of the quiz, he tried so hard to disregard the name at the top of the paper. He graded it and, as professionally as he possibly could be, moved on to the next quiz.

Deep down, he knew that he would've felt terrible had he given her a grade she didn't deserve. Morally, he'd feel like shit. But still… It felt a little weird to give her a failing grade when he knew that in a few minutes, he'd be face to face with her on a personal level. And with that feeling, he was starting to understand why this was such an issue. Never before had he seen the problem. If he wanted to have sex with one of his students, what was the big deal? Why was that so against the rules? But alas, he got it now. He had to be able to treat her like a normal student and normal students wouldn't have him thinking twice about putting a failing grade on a quiz. _That_ was the big deal.

Just as he began to grade the now current paper in front of him, the sound of his door creaking open caused him to pause out of instinct. He didn't look up, though. He didn't have to. He knew she was coming and he expected it. And he knew it was her whenever the door closed and kicked up some air. He caught a whiff of her perfume when he inhaled and though it made him want to grin, he didn't.

"Hey," Jo breathed as she stood in front of his desk. She didn't plan on staying long so there was no use in sitting. "Gimme the key."

"Saying please wouldn't kill you," Alex mumbled as he put down his pen and leaned over to grab his black leather briefcase. "I get outta here at two, then I gotta run to my campus for a minute. Are you gonna be there when I get back?"

"Probably." Without even asking, Jo reached into the small box of donut holes from Dunkin' Donuts on his desk and plucked one out. "I work at five."

Alex rummaged through his briefcase in search of the key. "Five?"

"Mhm, from five to nine," she replied, her speech slightly mumbled from her full mouth.

"Alright so should I order enough food for you tonight or what? I was just gonna do pizza again but if you're gonna eat at work, I'll just make it some wings or something."

"I'll grab something to eat at work, don't worry."

Once he had the key in his possession, Alex sat upright and for the first time since she had been in his office, he finally looked at Jo. And...well… He was a little bit shocked. Her long, dark brunette hair was sleek and straight for once. Her tiny little long legs were stuffed into a dark pair of skinny jeans with rips at the knees and her feet were inside a pair of black floral printed Vans. And her shoulders were bare and exposed as the peach-colored sweater hung off of them. She looked different today. Same Jo, but… Different.

"You look like a girl," he muttered, holding out the key in the palm of his hands.

Jo wrinkled her eyebrows and tilted her head, slightly offended. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Alex paused, unsure how to answer. He didn't mean to offend her but he just had to comment. He took a few extra moments to admire her, though. And unlike any other woman he'd ever laid eyes on, he took time to admire the small details. Like the way her eyeliner was done in a completely neat line. And the way her bra strap overlapped the strap of the black tank top she wore underneath her sweater. He could've guessed that she cleaned up well. Jo was, indeed, a pretty girl. Everything about her was just gorgeous. But she never wore clothes like this. He could've guessed that she cleaned up well but...well, he never thought he'd actually see it. Because Jo's style was comfortable, not trendy.

"Nothing," he shook his head and handed her the key. "What made you fix your hair?"

Slipping the key into her back pocket with one hand, Jo ran her fingers through her hair with the other and stared at her many split ends. She shrugged her shoulders and rocked back and forth on her feet.

"I had a few extra minutes this morning so I just figured… You know, I might as well." She tucked her hair behind her ear and out of her way and looked down at his desk. "Are you grading those quizzes?"

"Yeah," he nodded and picked up his pen again, finally clear of Jo-related thoughts. "...You didn't do so hot."

"I figured," Jo mumbled with a shrug. "I didn't get to study for it so whatever. He drops the lowest quiz score at the end, right?"

"Yeah, I think that's what he said."

"What did I get?"

"Sixty-two."

"That bad?!" Jo gasped. "Oh wow… Yeah, I'm definitely gonna need him to drop that."

Alex hesitated for a moment. He knew somewhere within his conscience that he was going to regret saying this, but… He was gonna regret a lot of things by the time he died so what was another thing? Plus, the look on her face was just… She was disappointed in herself, he could tell. And he knew… He knew she could do better. If she just had a little time to study last weekend instead of getting sucked into the drama… She deserved a higher grade.

"I can always like…," he started, sifting through the papers to find Jo's quiz once again. "Give you credit for the ones you kind of just blundered on."

"No," Jo shook her head and answered without even giving it a second thought. "No. Don't you dare."

"Jo, it's not that big-"

"Don't you dare. No," she insisted, holding firm. "What I get is what I deserve and I'm not about to let you bump me up just because… No. Okay? Just no," she continued to shake her head. "Besides… you help me out enough by letting me stay with you. If you save my ass in school too, I'll never stop owing you. Give me time to pay my dues."

"So that's what it's about?" Alex chuckled. "You owing me?"

"A little bit," Jo admitted and finally took her backpack off her back. She hadn't planned on sitting very long but she hadn't really talked to him since last night before they fell asleep and she kind of missed him. So she sat down in the chair across from him anyway. "You said you're only gonna be down here for half an hour?" she swiftly changed the subject. "Doing what?"

"I finished the quizzes, I'm gonna update the gradebook then I gotta head to the auditorium." Alex arranged all the checked quizzes into a neat and orderly pile before turning toward his chair. "And I'm gonna run to the dollar store before I head back to the hotel. I ran out of razors. Do you need me to grab you anything?"

"No," Jo shook her head and sighed. She'd hoped to spend a little bit more time talking to him but he seemed busy so she figured she should get going. So even though she had just sat down, she re-gathered her backpack and stood back up. "I'm gonna head back now. I'll see you at the room later?"

"Yeah, see ya," Alex mumbled, clearly preoccupied with the computer screen. Jo shuffled over to the door and opened it up. "Dammit," Alex whispered to himself, which prompted her to turn around. "Not you, not you," he muttered.

"Then what is it?" she asked.

"Damn gradebook is malfunctioning. It always does that, it always tells me that I don't have a shockwave player for it but I don't need a damn shockwave. I think it's the shitty wifi on this damn campus."

"Your wifi wouldn't have anything to do with that. Is that a Mac?" Jo asked and he nodded. She took her hand away from the doorknob and walked over toward him. "Lemme see it. Steph's Mac used to do the same thing sometimes and you just have to…"

Now on the same side of the desk as him, she hovered over his back and squinted to make the picture on the laptop screen clearer. Alex scooted away from the laptop and let her have free reign over it. Jo clicked on something, then sighed in exasperation.

"You see? It keeps screwing up," Alex said.

"I know how to fix it, I just…" Absentmindedly, Jo dropped her backpack and innocuously sat down right on his lap. It was innocent and by it, she meant nothing. In all honesty, it felt natural. Like it was something she couldn't have necessarily done to anyone, but something she could've done to him in a heartbeat. "What's your ID?"

"I don't want to download a shockwave," he murmured.

"I'm not downloading anything, I just need it."

Alex sighed and leaned forward, despite her comfortable residence on his lap. He quickly typed in his ID but instead of leaning back, he stayed upright. His chest touched her back and his face was only a few inches away from the back of her head. He could smell her shampoo and her perfume and it was such a marvelous scent. He knew that it was an act of innocence. Her sitting on his lap was never intended to mean anything more than exactly what it was, but he couldn't help his thoughts and he couldn't help his feelings. She was the furthest thing from heavy. He could sit all day with her on his lap and he didn't even think his legs would go numb. And he could inhale her scent for hours on end until he felt dizzy or faint.

He knew he probably shouldn't...and he figured that if she didn't like it, she could always move his hands away… So he did it anyway. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her there, safely against his lap. He didn't want her to move and he wanted her to know that. Jo didn't even budge when he did. She didn't mind it. In fact, it kind of felt good. It felt good to know that she was some place he didn't want her to move from and even better to know that he ultimately didn't mind her being where she was. She didn't care. His arms could be around her waist all they wanted to be.

"What are you, some kind of computer nerd?" He joked and Jo smiled. With her permission to have his arms around her waist, Alex rested his hands flat against her hips and inhaled her scent again. "Seriously. You know how to fix everything."

"Not everything," Jo countered him with a giggle. In truth, his computer was fixed. All she had to do was enable the flashplayer on his desktop and the problem was fixed. She didn't want him to know that though, so she continued to scroll around and act busy. She wasn't quite ready to get up just yet.

Since she still seemed willing, Alex allowed his hands to drift on their own, down to the kneecap slits in Jo's jeans. His fingertips traced circles across her velvety, soft skin and Jo felt goosebumps rise up on her arms. Still under the impression that she was quite alright with what he was doing, his hands strayed even more and eventually, he found them following a pattern. He was caressing her. His hands started at her knees, worked their way up to her thighs, back to her knees, up to her thighs, and continued like that for several moments.

Jo pursed her lips together. She wasn't sure if she should do what she wanted to do next, but she figured she should take a chance. She wasn't sure if his mind was where hers was or not. Because for some reason, they could sleep in the same bed together and not feel the urge to do anything. For some reason, they could be around each other in pajamas and still, nothing. They could be showering in the next room and they didn't even think about each other naked. But she was on his lap and for some reason now, her mind was drifting to that? So, she wasn't sure. She wasn't sure if this was what he was thinking but… The only way to know for sure was to find out.

So she took her hand off the mousepad and placed it on his just as it was creeping back down to her kneecap. She didn't stop it, though. Instead, she kept it there and let it drape over his hand as she followed his movements. Her hand on top of his, both their hands slid back up to her thigh and when they got there, that's when she took control. She squeezed his hand slightly to let him know that she was the boss and when she had it under her spell, she moved it. Moved it towards the middle of her thigh. Towards the innermost section of it. And then, just like that, she took her hand off his.

He caught her drift almost immediately and when she took her hand away, he let his have a mind of its own. He cupped his hand around her warm, thick thigh and let his index finger just barely touch her middle. The jeans were a little too tight but still, he stroked his index finger back and forth across her and waited for a reaction that she would not give. She kept her composure even though he was touching her _there_.

So he reached around with his other hand and placed the thumbs and index fingers of both his hands on the button. And before he made a move, he waited there. Waited for her to stop him if she wanted him to stop. She didn't, so he pushed the button through the hole and felt the two strips of fabric fly apart. The zipper whirred when he pulled it down and the sound of it, for some reason, made him harden just a little.

When he touched the fabric of her underwear, he smirked to himself at how skimpy they were. Even after spending nearly a week in the same hotel room as her, he never quite knew what kind of underwear she wore. Finally, he could conclude that they were lace. She was more of a lace kind of girl. He glanced at the clock in the right hand corner of his computer and mumbled a curse word to himself. He only had ten minutes until he had to be upstairs.

So without any hesitation, he slid his hand down her underwear and let it sit there for a moment. Her legs were closed rather tightly and for that reason, he was unable to move any further. It took Jo all of three seconds to realize why he wasn't going any deeper, and when she did, her legs nearly flew apart. But she still kept her cool and managed to pretend as though nothing was going on. As far as she was concerned, she was still fixing his computer. But her thoughts and her innermost desires were racing and her body was bursting with anticipation and she had goosebumps and she couldn't wait for him to do what she knew he was going to do.

With the permission granted by her opening her legs, Alex moved his hand down a little further and brushed his middle finger around a little. On instinct, he stopped exactly where he knew he should and circled his finger in gently around it. Jo closed her eyes softly and in the soles of her shoes, her toes began to curl. She wanted to moan but somehow, she kept that to herself.

Though he'd gotten her pretty wet already by circling that spot, he still pulled his hand out of her pants and without even so much as a forethought, he slid his middle finger right into his mouth, then put it back. She was wet and well, he probably could've done without his extra lubrication, but still. His finger slid in pretty easily and when it did, Jo squirmed. He tightened his grip around her waist to hold her still and slowly began plunging his finger in and out.

God, he wanted more and so did she. He wanted to lock the door and turn out all the lights and put her on the floor. She wanted him to do the same. She wanted more than just the satisfaction of his finger digging deeper and deeper inside her body. She _needed_ more, even. She needed to feel more than just this. He wanted to fill her with more than just his hands. But they both had to settle. And deep in the back of his mind, Alex thought that maybe… Maybe this could manifest and happen in the bed once they got back to the hotel room.

Because his office wasn't ideal. It was at first, back when they had no other options but now, it could happen in a bed. In a bed where he could lie down on top of her and work all her folds the way he _knew_ how to. In a bed where she could be comfortable enough to scream whenever she wanted and lie her head down on a soft pillow. In a bed where her body would be covered and ultimately, cherished. He wanted to be dirty. God knows, he wanted to be dirty and terribly rough and show her exactly what kind of man he was in bed. But he also wanted her to be comfortable while he did it. Jo was… She was… _special_ , to say the least.

He glanced at the clock again. Seven minutes.

He buried his finger all the way inside of her and moved it back in forth in a vigorous, merciless "come here" motion and with that, Jo lost her composure. She gripped the side of his desk and thrust her head forward, her mouth hanging open. She wriggled her hips to get out of his grasp but of course, he wouldn't let her. He figured that… Well if they were going to do something down here, the least he could do was send her off with an orgasm. Because to him, that was the ultimate goal.

She gasped and inhaled sharply, reaching her own hand down and now directing her squeeze to his arm. She dug her nails deep into his flesh and tried moving again, but he held her to remain still. She left scratches on his arm, but he didn't care. All he cared about was making her feel good and when he felt her insides jump a degree in temperature and get so wet and runny that it dripped into the palm of his hand he smirked.

Jo breathed heavy, having finally mastered the art of not moaning too loud. She breathed hard and rolled her eyes up to the ceiling, un-squeezing his arm as she was recovering from her orgasm.

"I-I'll see you back at the… Room?" she sputtered, weakly standing up from his lap and facing him.

Still smirking, Alex politely zipped and buttoned her jeans back up and solely because she was standing in front of him, he planted a kiss on her sex through her blue jeans. Jo backed away slowly before he put her in the mood to do anything else. She was stumbling, still a bit weak from the pleasure, but she managed.

"You okay?" Alex asked, casually wiping his very-wet hand on the seat of his jeans when he stood.

"I'm great…," she sighed. "I'll um… See you later."

"See you."


	25. You Make Me Wanna

**A/N:** I know it's taking a while for this story to really pan out and we're 25 chapters in and I'm nowhere near being done (we're not even at the main point in the story yet) but bear with me. The chapters are short because I'm condensing things that I would usually put all in the same chapter and splitting them up into two just so I can have updates up. (For example, ideally this chapter should've been another part to chapter 24) but like I said, it's rough right now. On the bright side, I'm done with school on the 25th and by then, I'll have more time to write and devote to this story so the chapters will be lengthy and I'll be able to cram everything I want to get into a chapter into a chapter instead of splitting it for the sake of updating. So enjoy :) and happy Grey's day today!

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Her fingers trembled. Every time she tried to maneuver the button through the hole to unfasten her jeans, her fingers trembled and made it nearly impossible for her to do it. So she bawled her hands up into fists. She clenched them tight, in hopes of calming her nerves, and took a deep, steadying breath. A little calmer now, she managed to loop the button through the hole and quickly, she wriggled out of her jeans.

She wished she could just stop thinking about it. She wished she could unscrew the top of her head off, take out her brain, erase it clean of the memories that inhabited it, and put it back. That was what she wanted to do. Just long enough to do what she had to do, which was change out of her dressy clothes and into more comfortable ones until it was closer to the time for her to go to work. She needed to stop thinking about it. Because now, it was starting to hinder her.

Not that it wasn't a pleasant memory. It could've been a hell of a lot worse. It could've been worse than her thinking about the way his hands gripped and caressed her hips before they made their way inside her pants. It could've been worse than reruns of his one sole finger dipping in and out, swirling around, digging deeper until she reached that moment of pure ecstasy. It could've been worse than her wishing that they had taken it a step further. It could've been worse than all of that. But still… She wished she could just stop thinking about it.

Because every time that she did, she couldn't function. The thought would cross her mind and immediately, she'd pause whatever she was doing just to give that pleasant, pleasant thought all of her attention. And a smile would creep across her face. And she'd start to feel his presence inside her body. And she'd make an even bigger mess in her underwear than she'd already made.

Sighing and pushing the thought out of her head, she folded her jeans in half and draped them over the back of the chair in the corner of the room. Next, she pulled her sweater over her head and placed it on the chair right along with her jeans. It was just barely 12:00, so she figured she could lounge around for a bit before she had to go to work. She didn't know exactly when Alex would be back to the room but she figured she had time and not that she didn't enjoy having him in the room with her, she always relished having time in the room alone.

She pulled down her still-sticky underwear and fashioned them away in the hamper for their dirty clothes. Showering crossed her mind. When she first came in the room, she headed straight for the bathroom, in fact. But it seemed pretty pointless to shower now when she'd have to shower again when she got home from work later smelling like coffee grinds and fruit-filled pastries. So she decided against showering now. But she would, in fact, change her underwear. That was a given.

Stepping into the clean pair of underwear, she pulled them up on her waist and then finally, she plopped down on the bed. This was why she enjoyed being alone. Because when he wasn't in the room, she didn't have to worry about putting pajama pants or shorts on to cover herself and she didn't have to worry about whether or not she was showing too much cleavage. She was free to do what she wanted to do while she was alone. And that included stripping out of her fancy clothes and lounging around in nothing but a pair of underwear and an undershirt.

She picked up the remote, which was buried underneath the blankets of the unmade, messy bed and aimed it at the TV to turn it on. At first, she and Alex were both really good with making the bed. Whenever they rolled out of it in the morning, they'd fix the blankets on their respective sides and fluff up the pillows. They were also pretty good with cleaning up after themselves and keeping the room tidy. Clearly though, the two had been becoming more and more comfortable with each other because lately, the bed had been going unmade and though they weren't filthy slobs, it was usual to have clothes on the floor and empty soda cans on the nightstands.

If an outsider wandered into the room, it would immediately be clear who it was that lived in it. On Jo's "side", tons of books, notebooks and binders were piled on the floor right next to where she kept her backpack. To an outsider, it was clear that a college student lived here. And on Alex's side, one of his briefcases was lying open on the floor with papers spilling out, along with a few books from classes of his own. It was also clear that an older student lived here as well. They weren't terribly dirty but in truth, they could stand to be neater.

Jo flicked through the channels and swung her feet, which were kicked up and elevated behind her back, around. Though it had taken a while for her to truly come to terms with it within herself, she finally found herself comfortable with Alex. Lately, she didn't feel the need to shut the door when all she was doing was peeing, she didn't feel the need to constantly wear a bra even when she was sleeping, and she found herself eating her pizza without a fork. She was comfortable with him… Which honestly, was something she thought would take a little longer than a week.

And… Well… The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she was actually quite fond of him. Maybe it was the way his arms always somehow managed to end up around her waist during the course of the night. Or maybe it was the way he always had to touch her. Even if they were just lounging around and watching TV or eating dinner, some part of his body just had to touch a part of hers. Or maybe it was the way he thought she didn't notice how he would wait ten minutes after she fell asleep to turn out the light. And when he turned out the light, he never failed to roll over on his side of the bed without a swift kiss to her temple. He thought she didn't notice. He thought she was asleep when he did it. But she wasn't and each time he did it, the butterflies in her stomach multiplied.

She wanted to be his friend. More than anything, she wanted to stay up late just to talk to him, share secrets that only they knew about each other, laugh until they were blue in the face and have each other's backs no matter what. She was longing for that. She wanted that friendship back; the friendship that she lost with Stephanie. And Alex… He was douchy and sometimes he was just downright mean. But in all sincerity, he seemed like a prime candidate and she knew that they were capable of being best friends. It was all she really wanted.

But she wasn't stupid.

And she knew that this was more than just friendliness. Friends didn't cuddle each other in their sleep. Friends didn't kiss friends on the temple every night. Friends didn't let friends finger them out of nowhere. Friends didn't have casual sex. And friends sure as hell didn't feel the way she was feeling.

The crush was back; the same crush she'd been feeling towards the beginning of their friendship. The crush that made her stomach do backflips when she laid in bed at night thinking about him? The crush that made her fantasize almost every night about having him in bed? The crush that made her relent and go back to kiss him? The crush that ultimately guided her into having sex with him? That crush was back. And it was full-fledge now, openly manifesting itself into something bigger.

This wasn't friendly. Goddammit it, it wasn't friendly. And as much as she didn't want to… She thought that she might actually be starting to fall for him. Was it love? Of course not. She didn't love him like that. She loved him in a sense that she cared about him. She cared about him deeply. But love in a romantic way? Hell no. But she was falling… And she couldn't summon the strength to get up. She was falling for the way he'd blow air out of his nostrils before he laughed, or the way the corners of his eyes would crinkle whenever he smiled. She was falling for every single part of him and she didn't know how to put the brakes on.

About one thing, she was absolutely certain. She was not ready for a relationship. No matter how bad she wanted one, no matter how right it seemed, she knew she wasn't ready and that was the end of it. Things were looking up for her but still, she had issues. Deep-seeded issues and she knew that she wasn't ready to give her all to someone when she still had things of her own to deal with.

So how was she to put the brakes on it? How was she to stop herself from falling for Alex? She didn't know. She didn't even-

Just then, interrupting her thoughts, the sound of the door being pushed open caused her to jump and she sat upright with lightning quick speed. Alex shuffled through the door with his briefcase and a cup of iced coffee in his hand, kicking it closed behind him. Jo quickly pulled covers over her bottom half and tucked her hair behind her ears to look presentable.

"Hey I thought you… I thought you had to run to your campus," Jo stammered, glancing at the clock. "It's only 12:15, did Leeds let you off early?"

"Kind of," Alex mumbled and kicked off his shoes as he placed his briefcase in its usual resting place on the floor. "He was just giving a test so I didn't have to be there."

"And I thought you had to run to your campus?"

"I can do that tomorrow." He carried his coffee over to the bed and sat down. "You want this? It's that hazelnut crap. I don't like it."

"Yeah, just put it on the nightstand. I'll drink it." Jo cleared her throat. "So about um… About what happened back in your-"

"I've got something to ask you," he interrupted her and in a sense, he didn't mean it. He didn't mean to interrupt but if he didn't, he'd probably never get the balls to ask her. It was something he was thinking about from the moment she left his office earlier and it was part of the reason he'd asked Dr. Leeds to be excused early today and part of the reason he decided to postpone his campus errand until tomorrow. He ran over it a billion times in his head, too. A billion times on the drive back to the hotel and a billion more as he walked down the hall and to the room. If he didn't do it now, he'd never. "You wanna be my…. My… girlfriend, or whatever?"

Jo's eyebrows wrinkled and her face completely fell. She wasn't expecting that. She was expecting him to ask her if she liked what happened earlier and she was fully prepared to tell him exactly why she loved it. She wasn't expecting him to ask this. She didn't have an answer prepared for this. She stared at him while he was silent for a few more moments. His back was turned toward her as he was sitting on the edge of the bed and he was hunched over with his elbows resting on his knees. Her mouth opened but before she could have a chance to say anything, he spoke up again.

"I know it's kind of soon and stuff but I'm ready if you are and we can just make it official. I mean we kind of already are, so… Whatever."

"We...are?" Jo nearly whispered, her tone heightened with inquisition.

"I mean… Yeah, aren't we?" Alex turned. "We do the whole...touching each other while we sleep thing and the sex…"

"It was just sex," Jo quipped.

"Huh? You mean… You mean what happened like two minutes ago was just sex? That was just you sitting on my lap and letting me bury my knuckle? That was it to you?"

"I-I-mean… Yeah. Was it… Was it more for you?" she stammered. Alex turned away from her quickly and huffed, clenching his hands into fists. Jo noticed the way he was shaking and with that, she reached out and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Alex…"

"Don't," he shrugged her off. "Will you quit that?"

"Quit what?"

"That whole 'I don't want this' charade. I get it. You're a system kid just like me and I know what it does to you. It makes you squirrelly, makes you think I'm not… Not all in or whatever. But I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to."

Jo wrinkled her brows in confusion again and tilted her head to the side, watching him as he springed off the bed and walked around the room with a visibly irritated step. "What are you talking about?" she asked.

"You," he mumbled, pulling his shirt over his head. "I don't know what your problem is but you do that a lot and it's starting to get on my nerves. You take a step, think you made a mistake, try to push me away and take that step back. Stop doing that. It's annoying."

"I don't-"

"You do. You did it the first time we screwed each other and you're doing it now." He pulled a clean lounge t-shirt over his head and stood in front of her. "Stop trying to push me away and stop trying to make me think of you as some big mistake. Mistakes… Mistakes don't happen twice, alright? You're not a mistake."

"Alex, you're not hearing me though," Jo shook her head. "I'm not… I'm not ready to be in a relationship with you or with anyone for that matter. I'm just… I'm not ready."

"Then what the hell do you think you're already doing?" He put his hands on his hips. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Laying in my arms at night for the hell of it?"

"No, I-"

"Then what do you think you're doing?"

"I don't know, I just-"

"We're already in a relationship, Jo."

"No we're not! This is not a relationship, don't you dare tell me-"

"Fine," he shrugged and headed for the door. "Fine. This isn't a relationship. The rent's due tomorrow by noon. A hundred and seventy-eight bucks. Pay it if you want to live here."

"So you're kicking me out? Because I don't want to be with you, you're kicking me-"

"I'm not kicking you anywhere! I'm telling you that if this isn't a relationship to you then fine. Pay for your own food and you said that you'd pay the rent every other week. It's $178."

"You said it was 89."

"That was back when I wanted to give my girlfriend a break with the money."

"You know I can't pay that."

"Tough titty."

"Why are you being so mean?"

"Because you're sitting here telling me that I can touch you and kiss you and hold you and scree you but I'm not allowed to think that we're in a relationship?"

"I just… I have a LOT going on right now and I swear to god it's nothing personal against you, Alex," Jo softened up. "It's not personal. I just have too much crap going on in my life and I can't put you in the middle of my crap if I can't sort it out." Jo sighed. "You're my best friend, though… And I don't want that to change. I'm not… I'm not saying never. I'm just saying that right now… Right now, I need you as my friend more than my boyfriend and I just… I don't wanna put a label on it. Not yet."

"I like you," he shrugged his shoulders and sat back down on the bed after having calmed down quite a bit. "I like you, Jo… And I… Look, I wanna be your boyfriend. And if part of that includes being your best friend then I can get down with that. I just… I don't wanna do this sneaking thing. This thing where I don't know if it's okay to touch you and talk about it after. I wanna know what we are. What are we?"

"...You're my best friend," she whispered.

"Is that it?"

"I know it's not what you wanna hear right now but it's the only thing I can tell you for sure. I don't know what you are to me and what I am… I don't even know what I want right now. But I do know that you're my best friend. I just have… I have a lot of things in my head right now Alex and I… I need to sort myself out before I can put myself into a relationship with a label… Especially with my TA."

Alex sighed. He was clearly disappointed but he wasn't about to tell her that. "Well… You say I'm your best friend and alright, that's fair. I'll be that. But you've gotta start talking to me. Alright? That's the deal."

"Deal," Jo agreed.

"So what happened between you and your roommate?" he pressed.

She sucked her teeth, "Alex…"

"You said it was a deal."

"...Do you really wanna know?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"...Okay. It's a long story though, so… Just… Just listen," Jo took a deep breath and exhaled. "Before I start, I just want you to know that it's always okay for you to… To touch me. It's okay. If you want to touch me… Sexually or whatever, it's fine. You don't ever have to worry if that's okay. If it's not… I'll just… I'd let you know if it wasn't okay, okay?"

"Okay now spill."

"Okay," she took another deep breath. "It goes back to Halloween…"


	26. My Girl

**A/N:** I'm officially done with my first year of college! Yay! To celebrate the summer, I wrote a kick ass chapter! And there's more to come since I'm free! Yay! This chapter is written very differently but just pay attention and you'll be fine, I promise.

Also, STRONG **M** rated content here. Take this as a trigger warning, please.

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 _As her feet rested flat on the floor, she could feel the vibrations from the music radiating from the floor and ricocheting all throughout her kneecaps. The entire sensation made her want to do nothing but get up, let loose and dance. She wanted to stand up, yank her hair out of the ponytails she pinned it up in and shake her hips until the next song came on. She wasn't drunk enough for that, though. Maybe with a few more ounces of liquor in her system, she'd find the strength and nerve to forget about the fact that she had absolutely no rhythm and absolutely no clue how to dance. Maybe with a few more ounces in her system, she actually would get up and dance._

 _All throughout the rather small, cramped and musty fraternity building, music pumped through the walls and thundered through the floors. It was almost impossible to have an audible conversation with anyone around but there was the overall consensus of laughter everywhere and all around, the mood was light. The only lights on in the entire house were the two kitchen lights that hung above the sink and the bright green ones that illuminated from the lava lamp in the corner of the living room. Against the walls were male bodies being held there by female bodies bumping and grinding all over each other, suddenly fearless because their identities were protected. In a school as small as Princeton, everyone knew everyone. Half the people here would roam the same hallways on Monday and chat about how they saw each other at the party last Friday. But with masquerade masks and overdone makeup to match the theme of the Halloween party, everyone had a heightened sense of courage and an elevated level of bravery. It was suddenly easier for the girls to grind their backsides on the boys' groins and it was suddenly easier for the boys to press their lips to the girls' necks while they danced._

 _But on the couch next to a stack of pornographic magazines and empty red solo cups, she sat still like a wallflower hanging out towards the back, just watching and observing. Her leg bounced up and down in tune to the rap song playing on the speakers and, still feeling the slight buzz of two cups of jungle juice, her head bobbed along too. She wasn't dressed like the other girls around. The other girls around wore minimal clothing with their breasts and hips exposed, pairs of animal ears on top of their heads just to prove that they were indeed in costume. There were cats, mice, sexy nurses, seductive police officers and naughty maids all clumped together, all standing in the same house._

 _She wasn't dressed like them, though. She, was in fact, dressed like herself. A pair of low-rider, hip-hugging jeans covered her legs and like so many, her hips were out. A flannel button-up shirt was on her top half, tied at the bottom to expose her bare stomach but not too revealing with a bandeau to protect her chest. Stephanie had helped her tie her hair into two neat pigtails and for the first time in months, she wore her reading glasses. Her look was complete with a pair of bright red converse sneakers and she had accomplished the look of a nerd. She didn't go out and buy an elaborate, sexy bunny costume. She rummaged through her own closet and wore her own clothes and fittingly, she dressed as a nerd._

 _To anyone that didn't know any better, she couldn't look any more disinterested. Her legs were crossed and she was merely watching everyone around her dance and have a good time. She wasn't miserable though. In fact, she was having a good time. Swirling around the alcohol in her cup, she looked down inside it and sighed upon finding that it was almost completely empty. She tilted it up to her mouth and dusted the last sip off and when she put her cup down, her eyebrows raised at the fact that the space on the couch next to her was no longer empty._

 _From the corner of her eye, she looked at him and literally, she could feel her heart melting. God, he was beautiful. His jawline looked as if it was carved by the gods. It was perfectly squared away and just the right amount of soft and rigid. His lips, thin and perfectly pink. Then his eyes… Holy god, those eyes. They were so perfect, so pale, so ice-blue. He was the definition of perfect and if only she could-_

 _"What are you going as?" he asked her, interrupting her thoughts. His voice was loud and boisterous as to project over the loudness of the music and she thought she was going to burst. Was he talking to her? Dear god why couldn't she put more than two words together and form a cohesive sentence?_

 _"A-A-," she stammered first, then cleared her throat when she pulled herself together. She sat up straight and leaned towards him so he could hear her over the music as well. "I'm a geek."_

 _"You're unlike any other geek I've ever seen," he retorted and finally turned to face her. "Don't most geeks wear the schoolgirl skirt?"_

 _"I'm… Not your average geek," she flipped her hair over her shoulder and tucked her bangs behind her ear with a smile. "I like to go for the A plus."_

 _He raised his eyebrows at her clear flirtatious banter and smirked to himself. She was hot. And not just for someone dressed like a nerd, but for anyone. She had long, slim legs and flowy brunette hair. Her stomach was perfectly toned and flat, her boobs were decent and facially, she was gorgeous. She was exactly his type and she was flirting with him. He looked her up and down subtly, then licked his lips._

 _"You're certainly… Certainly not the average geek," he flirted back, scooting towards her on the couch. "I've never met a geek quite as pretty as you." With that, she felt her cheeks flush. Was he really calling her pretty? But he was the most popular, sought after guy on campus. He was literally everything. Perfect GPA, rich parents, full football scholarship, volunteers around the community out of the goodness of his heart...and he was talking to her? She knew she was drunk but she didn't think she was that buzzed. "Michael," he offered his hand to her at long last. "Michael McDonald."_

 _She stared at his hand for a moment before smiling wholeheartedly and taking it. "Jo Wilson," she introduced herself, gently shaking his hand._

 _"I know who you are," he replied and quickly noticed the discontent look written on her face. Clearly she didn't think that she was worthy of being noticed by him of all people, but admittedly, he had noticed her on more than one occasion. She was a pretty face… And he never forgot a pretty face. "I've seen you around campus. You hang out with that cheerleader bunch, don't you?"_

 _Jo's face lit up in delight and she nodded her head. He did! He really did know who she was! Man oh man. Mike McDonald knew who she was? How?! "Yeah," she continued to nod. "They're my friends. Well Stephanie, the co-captain? She's my roommate and-"_

 _"Why aren't you a cheerleader?" He asked._

 _"I'm the epitome of uncoordinated."_

 _"Funny though… I thought the cheerleaders were supposed to be pretty," he sighed and truly sold it to sound disappointed. Jo raised an eyebrow. "None of them are as pretty as you though," he winked._

 _For the second time, Jo's cheeks flushed and she found herself blushing. "Thank you," she murmured, effortlessly remaining humble. Did he really think she was pretty? She wasn't… Well she wasn't much of anything, really. She had boring brown hair, boring brown eyes, an average body and an average look to her. Usually, when anybody thought she was pretty, she just assumed they were only being polite. Never did she think they actually meant it and she certainly didn't foresee anyone saying it without being prompted to. Did he really think she was pretty? Really?_

 _"Can I get you a drink?" he offered. "What is it that's in your cup? The Jungle Juice? Or the Vodka Punch?"_

 _Jo's eyes immediately flickered down to the cup in her hand and she stared at it for a few moments, as if she had to look at it to know the name of whatever it was that was inside her cup. She eyed the pineapple chunk floating near the top of the red liquid in her cup and cleared her throat. With the clarity that came from clearing her throat, her mind cleared as well and she uncrossed her legs so she could sit upright._

 _"It's the um… The Jungle Juice, I think. The one that's in the purple container over there, whichever one," she shrugged her shoulders and held her cup over toward him. "Thank you."_

 _"Don't mention it," Mike shook his head and stood up from the couch. "I'll just grab you a completely new one."_

 _"Okay." Jo sat perfectly still at her spot on the couch and watched as he walked away and disappeared around the corner, into the kitchen. Wow… Mike McDonald was getting her a drink. He was in the kitchen right now at this very moment, putting alcohol into a cup to bring back to her. Wow._

 _With that, Jo sat up straight as a pin and smoothed her hair back. She quickly yanked her hair out of the two childish, messy pigtails and ran her fingers through it. She adjusted her shirt to show off more cleavage, pulled her pants up a little and sucked her stomach in to appear skinnier. She didn't know why, but all she wanted to do was impress him. In the back of her mind, she thought that maybe this was all just a big fluke. He wasn't really interested in her. He wasn't really serious when he said that she was pretty and he didn't really mean to get up and give her a drink. She was convinced it was all just a big misunderstood mess. There was no way that he-_

"So he went and got you a drink? Just like that?" Alex interrupted, mid sentence. Up until now, he was holding steady. He listened and held onto her every word and followed her story with ease. He needed clarity now, though. Because that just didn't make sense. He didn't know idea where she was going with this story. He had no preconceived notions and no general idea but from that… Well… He could take a guess. "No other explanation?"

Jo shifted her position on the bed but kept her head down in the same shameful manner. If Alex looked close enough, he'd probably be able to see the humiliation, gray and sluggish hanging on her shoulders and latched onto her like a leech. There was shame, humiliation, embarrassment and a slight trace of anger just worn all throughout her body and those such feelings were just so heavy that her only choice was to put her head down. She scratched her fingernails along the skin on her ankle and nonchalantly tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"Jo?" Alex nearly whispered her name. He was really coming to regret interrupting her story. Finally, he'd been lucky enough to get it out of her and he might've just messed everything up with one interruption. He sure hoped she wasn't done telling him the story. Gently, he placed his hand on her knee. "You okay?"

"I thought he was just being nice," she shrugged and mumbled. "I realize now how stupid that was… For me to let him get me a drink, I mean. But he was Mike… He was Mike McDonald, and I didn't think… You know, that wasn't exactly on my mind…"

"What happened next?" Alex asked and Jo sighed. "C'mon… There's gotta be more to it."

Jo sighed again and took a deep breath. "Well after he brought the drink back, he kind of just…"

 _Between his thumb and forefinger, Mike caught a strand of Jo's hair and tucked it behind her ear. Jo blushed and looked down when he did, but back up as soon as he opened his mouth to speak. "You know Jo… You're really pretty," he said._

 _"Thank you," she replied, her voice laced with a polite but slightly drunken tone. She tilted the cup that he had just given her up to her mouth and took a sip, turning her nose up as she swallowed. She figured they were getting to the bottom of the container now because this cup tasted a little bit different. She licked her lips and kindly offered the cup to him. "Want some?"_

 _Mike looked at the cup with skepticism at first before quickly shaking his head. "Nah, that's fine. I've had a couple cups of that stuff already. I'm already a little tipsy."_

 _Jo shrugged and took another sip, still turning her nose up when the liquor slithered down her throat. "Do you prefer this stuff or the pre-made?"_

 _"I can do either," Mike laughed and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm a fan of Mike's Hard Lemonade or those Apple Ale things. I like to keep it simple."_

 _"Simple but not gentle," Jo giggled. "I like that."_

 _"Yeah," Mike nodded and while Jo recovered from her slightly inebriated giggles, he scanned the dance floor and locked his eyes over on the stairwell. She just drank two giant gulps and he knew that if he wanted to go, he'd have to act quick. He figured he had about ten or fifteen minutes before she got a little too loopy to handle. "What do you say about getting outta here?"_

 _"And going where?" Jo asked. Truthfully, she was too intoxicated to really care but she wasn't fully gone. She still retained a little bit of her common sense and good judgment. Enough to ask him a question._

 _"Just up to my room. It's up those steps and to the right. First door on the left," he pointed at the staircase. "What do you say?"_

 _"You live here?"_

 _"Unfortunately." Sensing that she was about to decline, Mike rubbed his hands against his jeans and began to stand up. "It's getting a little loud and stuffy down here, so I'm just gonna-"_

 _"Yeah," Jo nodded and stood up too. She was quickly taken aback by the way her legs seemed to feel like gelatin, so she gripped the side of the sofa and steadied herself. Whoa, her head was spinning. "I'm gonna head… Head back to my dorm too…"_

 _"Wait, Jo!" He panicked and in his haste, he grabbed her arm. He wasn't expecting her to want to go back to her own dorm! Damn, damn, damn! This was not how this was supposed to go! This was a first! Okay, quick. Quick. He had to think quick on his feet. Every other girl agreed to go up to his room by now. None of them ever made it past the steps before the drugs kicked in and dammit, if he let her go and walk home, she'd probably pass out in the middle of the street somewhere. He couldn't let her leave. His ass was on the line if he let her leave. "I'm not-I'm not ready to be done talking to you. Why don't you just come up to my room so we can talk?"_

 _Her vision was hazy and she genuinely felt as if someone had taken her head off, spun it and put it back on her shoulders. Everything was spinning, she was dizzy and every sound she heard was amplified. How drunk was she? Not too drunk to where she couldn't nod her head. Because that's what she did. She nodded and agreed._

 _Breathing a sigh of relief, Mike slid his hand into hers and sweetly… Almost innocently… He lead her through the swarms and crowds of people and over to the steps. Walking ahead of her with her hand still in his, he took one step at a time and walked her up them and towards his room. He was grateful that the lights were off because if they were on… He was certain that she'd be able to see his satisfied grin. Another one off his list. Another girl he could check off. This was a game. And he was only just now getting very, very good at it. Now if he could only-_

"Don't look at me like that," Jo demanded, her tone suddenly taking Alex by surprise the way she spoke through clenched teeth. "I hate it when people look at me like that."

"Like what?" He asked, genuinely confused. "Look at you like what?"

"Like that. Like… Like you're about to watch a puppy get slaughtered. Don't look at me like that. I can't… I can't stand that."

"Can't stand what?

"Sympathy."

Taken aback once again, Alex closed his mouth and took a breather. Was he looking at her like that? Like a puppy about to get slaughtered? He didn't notice. But he did, however, have a pretty good idea where this was going. He couldn't say for sure, though. He couldn't give a definitive answer and a clear cut vision as to where it was going and though he had a very good guess, he couldn't let her stop now. He wanted to hear it. Wanted her to continue. Wanted to know just how this ended up connecting with the reason she was exactly where she was right now: Sitting on the bed in a hotel room they shared.

"Sorry," he mumbled though unsure exactly what it was that he was apologizing for. "Go on."

Jo rolled her eyes and played with a stray patch of hair that she missed when she shaved her legs yesterday. She sighed and decided again to continue. "His room was dark and he didn't turn on the light…"

 _"Mike," she breathed once his took his lips away from hers. Though they weren't pressed to her lips any longer, they quickly found themselves glued to her skin once again. He aggressively kissed and nibbled at her neck while his hands, fast and harsh, kneaded at her hips. Her hands were both behind her resting flat on the firm, twin-sized mattress and she was breathing heavy. "Mike…"_

 _"Hmm?" he grunted, smashing his lips against her lips again. With his hands planted on her hips, he pushed her backwards just to let her know that she wanted to lie down. It was time to go further. He didn't have time to babysit her and hold her hand. They'd been making out for nearly six minutes now and enough was most certainly enough. It was time for her pants to come off. He pulled away from her lips, breathing heavily and trying to catch his breath. Immediately, his head geared down and his hands flew to her waistline as he tried to unbutton her jeans._

 _"I really think I should go now."_

 _Though her mind was foggy and she was almost completely descended into delirium, Jo still managed to clasp her hands over her button and push him away. His room was dark and it smelled heavily of sweaty socks and cologne. His breath smelled like beer and chewing gum and his mouth was sloppy as it kissed all over her neck. Forcefully, he shoved her hands away and went back to trying to unbutton her pants._

 _"No stop," Jo pushed his hands away again. She didn't plan on having sex tonight. When she left her dorm this evening, it didn't even cross her mind. In fact, she even put off showering until she came back. She didn't shower, she hadn't shaved down there in a week and she simply wasn't in the mood for it. She didn't want to have sex. "I'm serious, I don't want to-"_

 _"Can't stop now," he mumbled, still breathing heavy. He slapped at Jo's hands the way a mother would slap her toddler's for touching the stove. "Don't worry 'bout it… I'll be easy."_

 _"I don't want to, okay?" Jo turned her head just as he was about to kiss her on the lips again and cringed at the way his lips glided across her ear. "Not… Not tonight, okay?" She clamped her hands over her button again. "Not tonight."_

 _"Shh, don't say that," he guided her head down to the pillow behind her and sick of the way she kept resisting him, he smuggled his way between her legs. All the other girls never put up this much of a fight. Sure they fought, but never this hard. Her body was tense and rigid underneath of his and by now, they were usually limp and loose from the drugs. "Just take it."_

 _"N-no," she stuffed her hands underneath his body and pushed up against his chest, wriggling her hips below him to get him off. Slowly, she was beginning to realize exactly what was about to happen. He wasn't going to stop. He wasn't going to get off. And she was going to have to take it. "Don't… Please don't. Get off?"_

 _"Hush," he whispered and skillfully placed one hand over her mouth while the other was too busy now undoing her button. Tears rolling thick and plentiful down her cheeks, Jo shook her head to free herself and when she was unsuccessful, she squealed. "Come on, it's not that bad. It's worse if you cry."_

 _"Get off of me!" Though her voice was muffled, Jo screamed anyway and she continued to fight. The bed squeaked and creaked heavily as she twisted and turned and maneuvered her body from side to side. "Get off!"_

 _"Calm down," he laughed in her ear and hungrily placed his lips back down on her neck. "You're too tense. If you loosen up, you might be able to enjoy it."_

 _"Please…" How did she end up here? She thought… She thought he was nice. She really thought he was nice and she thought that he thought that she was pretty but now he was big and he was mean and he wouldn't get off… Why wouldn't he get off? And why was she slowly feeling weaker? Losing her fight? Did he… Did he do something to her?_

 _Finally successful at having gotten her pants and underwear both off her body, Mike took a deep breath as a sense of accomplishment washed over him. Thank god the drugs kicked in. Thank god they kicked in and made her legs limp because fighting with her about it would've been a bitch and he probably would've never gotten her underwear off. He had to rip the damn button off the jeans but hey, that was a sacrifice he was willing to make._

 _Too weak and delirious and high to do anything but cry, Jo watched as he brought his hands up to his core and unzipped his own jeans. She couldn't see much but from what she could see, she could make out the silhouette of his erection sticking straight out. Her eyes traced his other hand. One held his erection steady while the other was brought up to his mouth and licked. Weakly, she tried to lift herself up but her entire body fell limp. What was wrong with her?_

 _Knowing all too well from previous encounters, Mike slathered his hand in saliva and used it to lubricate himself. She wasn't going to be wet. He knew that. Almost none of them were initially. Some of them were soaked by the time they warmed up to the idea but he learned his lesson back on his third endeavor. Back with Nicole Plushner, sophomore year. She was dry as a bone and he went in dry too and the friction made her bleed. Never again would he go in dry._

 _Now lathered up and slippery, Mike guided the head of his erection to her core and thus leaned forward, holding himself up over Jo's body in a push-up position. His first thrust in wasn't easy. It wasn't loving or caring or slow. No, it was hard and fast and he grunted when he dug deeper inside of her and Jo just looked up at the ceiling. She was so… Weak. Weak. Drained. Tired. Defenseless. She wanted to scream. But she had no energy to._

 _"S-Sso… Tight," Mike grunted in her ear and gritted his teeth. By far, she was the best. He wished she was a little wetter but on the whole, she was great. It had the perfect grip around his shaft and she was so, so sexy. Long, slender legs and flat stomach. Perky boobs… Damn she was perfect. He might actually have to put her on his "again" list. God, how much fun would she be riding him?_

 _"...Get off of me!" Jo expelled the last bit of her energy and put it towards pushing him again and screaming. "GET OFF! STOP IT! STOP IT!" She bawled her hands up into fists and pounded against his chest. Shame just washed over her body, though and covered her like a blanket, especially when his grunts became quicker and turned into a laugh when he got closer to reaching his climax._

 _She wanted to pass out. She wanted herself to pass out and disappear and free herself from this-_

"You can stop now," Alex clasped his hands over his ears. His blood was BOILING. It felt as if someone had turned up the thermostat in his body and set it to "cremate" because he was actually hot. Adrenaline coursed through his body and pumped in place of blood and rage… Rage was consuming him.

"I passed out, and I-" Jo continued with her story but not before Alex interrupted.

"I said you can stop," he grumbled.

"I don't even remember what happened after he came the first time but I-"

"I SAID STOP!" In a split second, he sprung up off the bed and stormed over to the window. He didn't know how to calm down. He didn't know how to calm down, how to deal with it, how to handle anything. He wanted to kill. That was what he wanted. He wanted to hop in the car and KILL. Rage was wreaking havoc throughout his body and it was bad enough to make him want death. DEATH. Jo was dead silent on the bed and Alex was clenching his fists together.

On the bed, Jo sat and watched as the rage made him shake. She watched his hands clench, unclench, clench again. His face was fiery red, his jaw hardened and his gaze sharp as he stared out the window. Internally? He was planning this out. How could he go back to campus undetected? He would wait outside of the gym. Princeton was a small campus and he knew of Mike McDonald. He knew who he was and what he looked like and if he had to, he'd hack into Dr. Leeds' files and pull up Mike's schedule just so he knew where he'd be at all times. He'd wait for him outside the gym though. That seemed to be the safest bet. There weren't any cameras at the gym. The university just hadn't gotten around to installing them just yet. So he'd wait outside the gym.

He'd rape him too. Not literally. Not that he would ever. But he was sure it would be easy to find something long and cylindrical to shove up his ass. Maybe a cucumber or a stick. Hell, he'd do a baseball bat if he had to. He'd hold him down and rape him too. Then tell him that he was too tense. And if he eased up, that he would like it. Then he'd put his hand over his mouth and hold him that way until he suffocated. He'd want her to suffer exactly the way he made her suffer.

Or, he could go the more traditional way and beat the shit out of him. He wouldn't need anything more than just his bare hands. At six foot and weighing 210 pounds, Alex had former wrestling experience and he could take him. Mike McDonald would be easy prey. But with bare hands… That seemed almost merciful. Bare hands was being too, too nice. He'd have to take a bat to him. He'd beat him to a fucking pulp. He swore on his mother's life, he'd beat him to a bloody fucking pulp.

"Alex?" Jo whispered his name and finally cut through the deafening silence. Though he heard her, Alex didn't budge. "...Alex, I'm sorry," she tried. "I'm sorry. I… I know I should've been smarter, but I really wasn't thinking that he would-"

"So that's what you're doing?!" He whipped around fast and the look on Jo's face was a look of pure terror when she saw how blotchy and red his face was and the way his veins popped out all over. "You're blaming yourself?!" Jo said nothing. "YOU'RE BLAMING YOURSELF?!"

"...Y-yes," Jo nodded, scared. "I-I do… I blame myself, I take full-"

"Well that's CRAP and you know it," he calmed, seeing how much he freaked her out by yelling. "You don't blame yourself. You don't get to be sorry. Hear me? You don't get to be sorry." Jo just nodded her head. Alex pinched the bridge of his nose and took a breath. "What's your… What's your roommate gotta do with all this?"

"...She's dating him," Jo answered smoothly, without going into as much detail as before. She was freaked out by angry Alex and she wasn't scared to admit that. "She didn't believe me when I said that he… That he…"

"Raped you," he finished for her. Jo just looked at him. She was usually pretty okay with saying the word but somehow in front of Alex, it seemed kind of wrong. "Go 'head Jo, say it. 'Cause there's no sugarcoating it. He raped you. He drugged you, then raped you until you passed out." She wrinkled her brows. "Why do you look so confused? That's what the hell happened, right? He told you you were pretty, he got in your head and it worked. He did it again."

"What makes you think…?"

"Oh come on," he sucked his teeth. "Open your eyes. You're not dumb. He knew to go after the one that wasn't dancing because nobody would notice she was gone. He knew better than to drink so he was 100% sober and he knew to wet it before he put it in because he knew you weren't gonna be. He's a serial at it."

Jo's face immediately fell. The thought made her nauseous. She never really thought of it that way. But he… He was so right. Everything Mike did that night… He was experienced. She was just another tally. She was a tick mark on his scoreboard. The way he knew not to take a sip of her drink, the way he so easily talked her into coming to his room, the way he came after her wasn't a mistake either. He went after her because no one would notice she was missing since she was just sitting there on the couch. And he did. He did spit on himself before penetrating her. And he had a condom ready to go. And he kept her hands down so she wouldn't scratch. And he knew exactly long it would be before he would be able to stop kissing and start undressing her. It all… It all made sense… And she wanted to throw up.

"Oh my god…," she whispered to herself. Stumbling and feeling almost as high as she did that night, Jo climbed off the bed and bumbled over toward the bathroom door, but she collapsed near the TV before she could make it.

"Jo?!" With quickness, Alex's anger dispersed and he rushed over to her. "Jo… Jo, you okay?" Jo nodded her head but stared blankly at the wall. "You sure?" Alex eased his arms underneath her body. "What's wrong? What's going on?"

"...It… It wasn't…," her eyes welled up with tears. "It wasn't my fault?"

"No," Alex shook his head and touched her cheek. "None of that…," he sighed hard. "I want you to listen to me. None of that was your fault. None of it. I don't ever… I don't ever wanna hear you say it again."

"But Steph…," Jo whispered. "She doesn't… She doesn't believe me and… And she's still… She's with him…"

"Shh," Alex put his finger to her lips and quieted her. "Don't you worry about that. You can't worry about that."

"But I…"

"It's okay," he grabbed her by her arms and pulled her closer to him. Jo collapsed against his chest and kept staring at the wall while Alex wrapped his arms around her body. He pressed his lips to the top of her head and held her close to his body. "...I'm gonna kill him…"

"Huh?"

"I'm gonna kill him."

* * *

The fan that hung from the ceiling spun around and around in a tight, continuous circle and almost drove him to insanity. In some instance, he could understand why things like mobiles twirling above their heads made babies tired. It was making him tired too and he was a grown man.

He really could stand to sleep. He could roll over on his side, close his eyes and go to bed for the night. But his mind was racing. Jo had told him a lot today and for one, he hadn't yet digested it. Someone took full advantage of her in the worst way. Someone held that beautiful girl down and did the worst humanly possible thing. And she genuinely was stuck believing that it was her fault.

He tried to take comfort in knowing that she was safe now. Right where she was in the very moment. Her head was clonked down lifelessly on his chest and both her arm and leg were draped across his body. His fingertips traced circles around her bare shoulders and though the fabric of her spaghetti-strapped tank top was itching him, he wouldn't dare move her. She worked today and when she came back to the room after work, she took a shower, ate a slice of the pizza he ordered and went straight to bed. Her hair was still damp from her shower and she smelled like soap and Alex wasn't even interested in letting her go. As far as he was concerned? Jo was his girl. Maybe not his girlfriend and maybe it wasn't official, but she was without a doubt, his girl.

And he couldn't believe that someone hurt his girl like that. The world really was cruel. Jo was sweet and she was gentle. She was the sweetest girl he'd ever met and she was so gentle that she had even gone so far as to catch the spider in the bathtub and let it outside this morning. She refused to kill it. Not to mention, she was beautiful. It was easy to see why Mike would have wanted her because she was genuinely that gorgeous without even trying. How could something like that happen to her? And how could he get away with it?

He couldn't let him get away with it. He couldn't let it go unpunished.

Carefully, he pulled the blankets back and with ease, he slid out of the bed. Jo stirred slightly but settled when he pressed his lips to her cheek. She was his girl.

And he wasn't gonna let his girl's rapist go unpunished.


	27. It's Tricky

**A/N:** Very slight **M** rated language. Very slight.

* * *

With vision blurred, doubled from being tired and cold, frozen fingers, Alex stuffed the room key into the slot and waited for the familiar beeping sound to signify that it was open. If there was anything in the world he wanted the most in that moment, it was to lie down and finally fall asleep. He hadn't realized how tired he was until he pulled into the parking space in the side lot of the hotel, locked his car for the night and went to get out. His eyes were droopy and his legs were loose and the only thing he needed, except for an ice cold beer, was the nice warm bed that awaited him in the room.

He figured that being tired was worth it, though. Jo was worth being exhausted for. So he rode around campus for an hour, trying to figure out where Mike might be. So once he resigned himself to the fact that he had no idea where he was, he parked outside the gym and decided to wait for him to go in or out. So he wasted three hours of his life seeking out this man tonight. It was for Jo. Because what happened to her was disgusting. And every time he reached down to put his car in drive and take off to go back to the room with her, his mind floated back to her. And how she sat at the edge of the bed and went into full detail about how he tricked her with a drink, held her down, brutally raped her until she lost consciousness, then… As if he hadn't taken enough from her, proceeded to call her a liar straight to her face. What he did to her was disgusting and he deserved to pay. So one hour turned to two and two hours turned to three and Alex just couldn't bring himself to leave right away.

He turned the knob of the door downward and pushed it open, all the while being careful to remain silent because he knew that she was still sleeping. As much as he already believed that she deserved a good night's sleep, he believed it even more now. After hearing her story. All he could think about was the day she showed up in his office and told him she didn't have a place to stay. She wore clothes that were two sizes too big for her and her eyes were low from exhaustion. And the slight split in her lip was the focal point on her face. That day, he could've guessed something bad happened to her. Just by the way she cried and poured her heart out to him at the drop of a hat, he could've guessed that something beyond a squabble with her roommate was the source. But he never, in a million years, thought that it was because her rapist, her predator, her attacker, her villain had screamed at her and called her a liar straight to her face. After hearing all of that and making all the pieces fit, he believed that Jo deserved a nice, restful slumber.

Behind him, he shut the door gently, careful not to make any noise. And he didn't. He was silent as a mouse when he closed the door behind himself and if she had been asleep, he wouldn't have woken her. But she wasn't sleeping. She was wide awake and when she heard the door shut, she sat up almost immediately and leaned over to turn on the light. She had spent the last forty-five minutes lying awake in bed, feeling the emptiness beside her and just wondering where he decided to go at one o'clock in the morning. Not that it was any of her business but she figured if he had sneaking out to do, he'd have done it when she was at work this afternoon and not while she was sleeping. Where was so important that he couldn't tell her?

When the lamp flickered on and brought life into the deadened hotel room, Alex stopped dead in his tracks and looked at her like he was a child and had just been caught doing something he knew he wasn't supposed to be doing. He stared at her, unable to find the words to speak and Jo stared back, eyes wide and hair loosely strewn all down her back.

"Where were you?" Jo spoke first and it wasn't until the words left her mouth and her throat started to close that she realized she really had been worried about him. "Where'd you go?"

"...Just took a drive, I couldn't sleep," Alex sighed and began kicking his shoes off. "I thought you were sleep."

"I was, but I…," Jo's voice trailed and she cleared her throat, feeling the tears stinging the corners of her eyes. "I woke up and you weren't here. Where'd you drive to?"

"Just around the block. Sorry, if I knew I was gonna wake you, I wouldn't have gone." He rolled his socks up into a neat little ball and placed them on the bedside table so that he could put them back on later when he had to get up for work. "We can go back to sleep."

"...Where'd you go, Alex?" she asked again and deep down… She couldn't explain the feeling, but deep down… She felt like he was hiding something from her. She just felt it. "Why are you dressed?"

Alex sighed again and resumed taking off the pair of jeans he slipped on before leaving. He folded them and draped them over the back of the chair so again, he could wear them to work later. He knew there was no sense in lying to Jo. He didn't know much about her, but one thing he knew was that she wasn't stupid and she was pretty good with reading people. There was just no sense in trying to lie to her. It was pointless. So he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it with his jeans, then proceeded to climb in the bed with her.

"I went back to campus for a little, alright? Now chill."

"To find Mike," Jo said lightly, nodding her head to herself. "Okay," she whispered and flopped down on her pillow.

Alex sucked his teeth. How was it that he knew she'd be upset with him for leaving out in the middle of the night to find him? He knew she'd be upset but he did it anyway. Because… Well… He couldn't help himself. The thought and knowledge that Mike was walking free after doing that to her just didn't… Set well with him. "What?" he mumbled to her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Jo mumbled back and rolled over onto her side, turning her back towards him.

"Jo, what's wrong?"

"I told you that in confidence. I told you about that because I thought I could trust you. It's a secret. It's… It's what friends tell each other. It's not something I want you running around repeating and acting on. I'm FINE and I wish you would stop acting like I'm some broken, pathetic, bruised, beaten-down puppy that needs you to nurture and coddle me. I don't need that, okay? I don't need that. What I do need is for you to shut your damn mouth about it. I told you what I told you about me because you're someone I can trust and you're my best friend right now and for you to-"

"So what? You want me to just sit here and let it go? You want me to just sit here and listen to you tell me what he did to you and not get angry about it because-"

"Yes! Yes! That's exactly what I want you to do! I want you to sit down, shut up and LISTEN to me because what I DON'T need is for you to coddle me but what I do need is for someone to LISTEN. Just once! Just once, I want someone to shut their mouth and hear me when I talk! I don't want you to get up and-"

"Well I'm sorry for caring about you," Alex mumbled under his breath and turned off the lamp so that it was dark in the room again. "I'm sorry for caring and I'm sorry for not just sitting here and listening. Can we go to bed now?"

Jo shifted her jaw and bit her bottom lip to deal with the anger that was swirling inside. She turned on her side again and stared at the window, still seething but willing to try falling asleep again. If today wasn't her early day, she'd demand that he stay up and argue with her some more. But she had to be up at eight to make it to her nine o'clock class and for that reason, she couldn't stay awake any longer. But damn, was he going to hear about it in the morning because how dare he dismiss her like that.

"...So what were you gonna do?" she spat, still fuming too bad to just stay quiet. "What did you do, just circle around to see if you could find him? What was your bright idea?"

"Can we just go to damn bed? Jesus Christ."

"No. You had to have had a plan, right? You wouldn't just get up in the middle of the night and drive to campus with no plan. What were you gonna do? Sit outside his dorm and wait for him to come out so you could casually ask him to apologize for having sex with me?"

"Give it a rest, Jo."

"What were you gonna do, Alex? Because if you think for one second he'd ever admit-"

Alex bawled his hands up into fists and whipped around fast to face her, even though he couldn't see her through the pitch blackness. "I don't know!" he snapped. "I don't know what I'd have done if I got to him tonight. Talked to him, punched him out, choked him, hell, I might've even killed him. But that's beside the point. Just let it go because I'm tired of hearing about it for one damn night."

Completely silent, Jo just stared at what she could make of his silhouette through the darkness. She couldn't see much, but it was enough. She could see the outline of his fluffy brown hair, the curvature of his bare-skinned muscles and the way his chest pulsated up and down in rhythm with his breathing. Deep down, she just didn't know what to say. She didn't have the words. She wanted to say a lot of things. She wanted to ask a lot of questions. Mostly about the things that he just said. Would he really have done that? All for her? Would he really have waited for Mike? Just to… Confront him? She tucked her hair behind her ear and took a breath before opening her mouth up to finally ask him the question she so desperately wanted an answer to.

"...You would've… Beaten him up?" she whispered and garnered nothing but a loud, exaggerated tooth-suck from him. Alex buried his face deeper into his pillow and groaned. "Because he had sex with me? You would've beaten him up?"

Alex sighed hard and lifted his head up. "Yeah, alright?" he finally admitted. "If I came across him tonight, I probably would've killed him. Now can we go to bed?"

"But why? You would've done that, why? For… For me? You would've done that for me?"

Alex mumbled an unheard profanity under his breath and turned around onto his back. He stared up at the pitch black ceiling and clenched his jaw.

"...I can't just let that go. I can't. You told me what he did to you and I can't just let it go. It doesn't need to be sugar coated or talked around. He deserves to be punished and if you won't… If you won't, I will. Look, I know you don't want me to… But I do. And I can't help it. I care about you."

Jo was silent again, letting the words really sink in. In all her twenty one years of being alive, she could never recall someone ever saying those words to her. She didn't know exactly how many foster homes she'd been in; she'd lost count after fourteen. But never once in any of them had someone told her that they actually gave a damn about what happened to her. Nobody ever said those words to her. She could never recall someone actually meaning them, either. But the way Alex said them… The way they just so fluently rolled off his tongue and the way his voice was deep and serious when he said it…. Well, for the first time, she didn't have to question it. She already knew. He meant it. He meant every word he said. And knowing that made her feel… Alive. Like every nerve in her body was set on fire and brought to life.

"...I care about you too, you know," she whispered to him. "I just don't know how… I mean, I…"

"You're a system kid," Alex mumbled. "It's how we all are. Most of us, anyway. You're just… Scared or something."

"I'm not scared."

"You are. That's why you don't wanna be with me. That's why you told me no when I asked. Because you think I'm not gonna be there or something. You think… You think that if we put a label on this or something like that, it's gonna go away. 'Cause you're not used to things staying. You're used to things being taken away. So you don't want to let yourself have a good thing. You're too scared. Am I close?"

"You've just got me all figured out, don't you? You could write an essay for Psychology Today psychoanalyzing the innermost workings of Josephine Alice Wilson's brain, now can't you? You have me all figured out. You read me just like a book," Jo replied, bitterness laced in her tone.

"Jo, I'm not-"

"So tell me Alex," she started. "Tell me. What am I thinking right now?" she challenged and he fell completely silent. "Exactly. Maybe you're right. Maybe…. Maybe I am used to everything changing and going to crap around me, yes. But you're not about to tell me that I'm just… Running. Because that's not what I'm doing. And if you want to go head to head, mano y mano, let's start with you too. You think too quickly. You make rash decisions that probably always end up biting you in the ass later and you always end up screwing yourself out of something good. You don't think anything through because if you did, you and I would've never had sex in the first place, for one and for two, you definitely wouldn't have invited me to stay in your hotel room. And if you did think anything through as I suspect you don't, you'd know why I can't be your girlfriend when you're my TEACHER for crying out loud. What do you, think once I say yes to being your girlfriend I'm magically not your student anymore? It's FORBIDDEN. You and I are both ass-out of luck if anyone ever finds out about this. And now… You're being 100% silent because you know I'm right."

Alex snickered, sarcasm pumping through his body like the blood flowing through his veins. "What book did you get that from? Beautiful monologue."

"Let's just say I've had twenty-one years' worth of experience dealing with you," Jo rolled her eyes at him even though he couldn't see. "You and me aren't as different as you think."

"Fair enough," he sighed. "But stop pushing me away. You're pushing and pushing and pushing and… Look, you're right. I screw up a lot of crap for myself. But you're trying to make me screw this up and I really don't want to. Stop pushing. Let me care about you."

Through the darkness, Jo just nodded her head. It was dead silent for a few moments, the only noise between them was the sound of their breathing. Internally, Jo's mind was reeling. He cared about her. He cared about her, he was just like she was and if he really was the exact same person, he undoubtedly felt the same right now. He undoubtedly felt the overwhelming urge to just… Kiss him. Her feelings were so, so messy. She knew it was wrong. Kissing him right now would be a thousand different flavors of wrong. Kissing him would insinuate that she, indeed wanted a relationship with him. Kissing him sealed everything. But she couldn't resist him. She couldn't help herself.

She flopped back down on her pillow and sighed. He cared about her. He got up in the middle of the night and was willing to go actually kill Mike because of what he did to her. And he was so, so sweet. He was her best friend, too. She could tell him anything. She laughed with him, cried with him, joked around with him. He was totally and completely and eternally her best friend.

Carefully, Alex rolled over and shifted his weight so that he was facing Jo. He didn't know if she felt the same way and by the silence and tension in the air, it was hard for him to tell. But he was willing to take a chance. It was honestly the first time in a long time that he could recall ever caring about a woman as much as he cared about her. He didn't even care about Lucy as much. With Jo, it was all so different. The overwhelming urge to protect her was always lying dormant and every little thing she did was pure mystical in his eyes. She was beautiful and sensitive, strong but delicate, independent but still needing someone to be there for her. She was everything he'd ever wanted… And then some.

Silently, he leaned down and placed his hand against her cheek. Reciprocating his actions, Jo leaned up off her pillow and tilted her head opposite the side he was tilting his. And when their lips touched, she felt like she was ready to burst into a thousand tears. Because in his tender sweet kiss, she knew that it was something real. She felt something more than just his lips. She felt a connection. Something about their lips together connected their bodies as one and for the first time in her life, she knew that this was what a kiss was supposed to feel like. She parted her lips and allowed his tongue entrance, deepening the kiss and prodded his tongue with hers.

On her hips, Alex rested his hands. He didn't want to violate her. He wanted everything to be just perfect because she deserved that much. He gently guided her head back to the pillow and kissed her sweetly, exploring her mouth with his tongue with the utmost care. He wasn't certain of a lot of things but one thing he was certain of was that nobody had ever made love to her body the way she deserved. He knew that nobody ever kissed her with care. He knew that nobody ever took the time to appreciate her naked, to look and really admire how beautiful she was, to really show her that sex doesn't have to be rough. He was willing to bet that nobody ever made love to her. And if she'd let him…. He'd be the first.

Jo breathed heavily when he pulled away and looked into his eyes because despite the darkness, she could see into them. And with one subtle look, she gave him full permission by leaning up. With her permission, Alex lifted her t-shirt over her head and tossed it to the floor. He cupped his hands over her breasts and planted another gentle, chaste kiss on her neck.

Jo closed her eyes and tilted her head back.


End file.
